Trying My Best

shane: squeeze me

ilya: what

shane: just. squeeze me. really tight.

ilya: *squeezes*

shane: tighter than that, come on

ilya: *squeezing a little harder* better?

shane: no. like. seriously, use all your strength.

ilya: i could hurt you, no?

shane: you won't, i promise. please just. tighter.

ilya: *squeezes shane as tight as he possibly can, grimacing a bit as he does it*

It has been literal years but every time I see Martin’s tweets posted somewhere and his word is shared as truth while her post is not shared it sort of reiterates the fact that we trust men to speak about feminism more than we believe women who experience it. 

Adding screenshots of her post. His whole post is there without needing a link. Hers should be, too.

I think people also often forget that power dynamics don't always fully favor the customer, and sometimes power dynamics can be tilted in the favor of the customer service worker and subsequently abused. Able bodied customer service workers can be, and often are, ableist to disabled customers. White customer service workers can be, and often are, racist towards customers of color. Customer service workers who are men can be, and often are, sexist towards customers who are women. Customer service workers who are non-immigrants can be, and often are, xenophobic towards immigrant customers. Shall I go on? That's obviously not an exhaustive list and I could very well go on.

When I worked retail I had a co-worker scream at a little old lady and kick her out of the store because she spoke to him in a language he didn't speak. I saw her face as she was leaving and she looked so shaken up like she was about to cry. I've overheard so many of my co-workers calling customers racial slurs behind their back. Once again, I could go on, but I feel like my addition here is already getting long enough.

Many, many people celebrated Pulse. We were told we deserved it. That it was God’s punishment for our sin of loving the same sex. We are sent messages like these I received in 2018:

We in the community often call the victim count 49+ to include the survivors who couldn’t live with the pain.

The event was never officially declared a hate crime or targeted homophobic attack and is rarely listed as one in databases.

At our vigils for those slaughtered, Extremist Christian groups showed up to protest, holding signs like this:

ID: Me kissing a woman I was casually seeing in front of an angry looking man with a “Sodomy is Sin” sign.

Please understand how much more than just a mass shooting this was. We are still to this day harassed and told we deserved it by some.

“Unfinished Painting” — Keith Haring

This painting was left intentionally incomplete. Haring began it when he was dying due to complications from AIDS, and knew he didn’t have much time left. The piece represents the incomplete lives of him and many others, lost to AIDS during the crisis.

“AIDS Memorial Quilt” — Multiple

This quilt is over 50 tons heavy, and one of, if not the, largest pieces of community folk art. Many people who died of AIDS did not receive funerals, due to social stigma and many funeral homes refusing to handle the deceased’s remains, so this was one of the only ways their lives could be celebrated. Each panel was created in recognition of someone who died due to AIDS, typically by that person’s loved ones.

“Untitled” (Portrait of Ross in L.A.) — Felix Gonzalez-Torres

This pile of candy weighs the same amount as Gonzalez-Torres’ partner, Ross Laycock, did. Ross Laycock had died due to AIDS-related complications earlier that same year. Visitors who see this piece are encouraged to take some of the candy. As they do so, the pile of candy weighs less and less, like how AIDS had deteriorated the body of Ross Laycock.

The SF Gay Men's Chorus

This photo was taken in 1993. The men in white are the surviving original members. Every man in black is standing in for an original member who lost their lives to AIDS.

“Electric Fan (Feel it Motherfuckers); Only Unclaimed Item from the Stephen Earabino Estate, 1997” — John Boskovich

After the death of his lover, Stephen Earabino, from AIDS, Boskovich discovered that his family had completely cleared his room, including Boskovich’s own possessions, save for this fan. An entire person, existence and relationship had been erased, just like so many lives during the AIDS crisis. Boskovich encased the fan in Plexiglass, but added cutouts so that its air may be felt by the viewer, almost like an exhalation. In a sense, restoring Earabino’s breath.

“Blue” — Derek Jarman

This was Jarman’s final feature film, released four months before his death from AIDS-related complications. These complications had left him visually impaired, able to only see in shades of blue. This film consists of a single shot of a saturated blue color, as the soundtrack to the film described Jarman’s life through narration, intercut with the adventures of Blue, a humanization of the color blue. The film's final moments consist of a set of repeated names: “John. Daniel. Howard. Graham. Terry. Paul". These are the names of former lovers and friends of Jarman who had died due to AIDS.

“Untitled” (Perfect Lovers) — Felix Gonzalez-Torres

Created by the same man who created the previous untitled piece, this piece was also inspired by his lover’s deterioration and death due to AIDS. This piece consists of two perfectly alike clocks. Over the course of time, one of the clocks will fall out of sync with the other.

In a letter written to his lover about the piece, before his lover’s passing, Gonzalez-Tourres wrote, “Don't be afraid of the clocks, they are our time, the time has been so generous to us. We imprinted time with the sweet taste of victory. We conquered fate by meeting at a certain time in a certain space. We are a product of the time, therefore we give back credit were it is due: time. We are synchronized, now forever. I love you.”

"Dear God" - Derek Jarman. Mixed media, (1987)

Untitled (Sometimes I Come to Hate People) - David Wojnarowicz (1992)

The last work of art created by East Village multimedia artist and activist David Wojnarowicz. Originally intended to be part of a series of 3, Wojnarowicz became too sick to finish the 3rd work in the series. Featuring red text sourced from his diary superimposed on a black and white photograph of wounded, bandaged hands, Wojnarowicz confronts his deterioration and impending death due to AIDS. He died on July 22, 1992 at the age of 37; the public demonstration held in the wake of his death would be one of the first political funerals of the AIDS crisis. In 1996, his ashes were scattered on the White House lawn.

Ownership meant a physical copy. Now you own nothing and can't find what you want across multiple streaming platforms.