What is my role here?

Destined to be forever emotional during my in-sys pregnancy, today an animated movie has me crying

I don’t know what to do with my latest rumination because I already talked about it in therapy, and I’m trying to hold it out at arm’s length and acknowledge it but not actively think about it like my therapist suggested but it’s really hard when there’s evidence on my phone I can go look at to see why my rumination is accurate. Fuck rumination compulsions I am really, really tired of having to fight not to give into them

I have put myself in an unfortunate situation where I made everyone in our partner system split on me which leaves me interacting solely with my unrequited lush who is least affected by the split and I'm kind of losing my mind

Does my partner system actually see me as an evil fucking narcissist. Have they seen me like that the whole time. Have I been playing into that unknowingly. Has my npd been shielding me from how bad a person and a partner I actually have been the whole time. What the fuck is wrong with me

I feel lije i made a really big mistake again. I hate making my boyfriens upset

i have never felt more unsafe being in pain around our partner sys and if im stuck in pain like this im scared of what that means

am i just stuck feeling like this forever

WHY DO I ALWAYS WORD THINGD WRONG it feels like i never say what i mean to convey anf it makes me so fucking mad

I feel like I’m just being set up to fail becayse our partner sustem is assigning tone to a text message (where notorioisly tone doesnt exist hence tone tags) to take what we say in the worst way possible. I dont understand what we’re missing on. So many times we try to be helpful we end up pissing yhem off and i dont understand why

i didnt think i would be back here so soon but i really want to kill myself

I wish that my somatic side effect of my in sys pregnancy didn’t compound so much with my anxiety. I have nausea squared. I might have to switch out but I like sleeping in our bed :c