Little Life

3 of my 4

homeschooling made easy- free 

My sweet baby! Born 11/27/14

I sit here rocking a tiny baby and listening to the clock tick away I wonder what you would think of me. Would I get your approval in my choices? Would you be proud of me? I remember taking my first born to your grave and introducing you two. Even though, I know I must have looked like a loon. The day I got the news my baby had died in utero I wanted your shoulder to cry on. The day my 2nd was born I wish you were still here, a phone call away. When my 3rd was born I realized that you were gone and no matter how much I want you will never be here with me again. It still haunts me that I didn't get up and give you a hug that fateful Sunday. That I didn't take time to study your laugh longer or your face. The birth of my 4th, I didn't even think of you. It pains me to admit it, but you were the furthest thing from my mind. Its been 15 years going on 16 now since you left. I can't remember what you looked like, the sound of your voice, or anything else that matters. I feel horrible about it all, how can your memory live on if I've already forgotten so much about you.

Miffed really doesn't cover what I'm feeling right now. Turns out, that the 'branch' of my doctor's office didn't actually draw LFTs or Bile Salt Acids last week as I previously thought. Blood was drawn but its is because my platelets are slightly low. Not dangerously low, 93k is the # I was given..... So I've been telling them ALL about the itch and they kept saying the test came back normal, yea 3 weeks a fucking go. So, I had a re-draw done today and was told it will take 5 business days to get it back. In the mean time I will sit here and continue to dig at my arms, hands, feet, legs, and back until they bleed.....Continue on with the oatmeal baths, benedryl and calamine lotion all of which don't do a damn thing because it feels like I've got shit underneath my skin. It burns like when you have a sunburn but feels irritated like when you have tiny hair clippings in all of your clothing. I'm annoyed, feeling like crap with no sleep and no end in sight of this itch.  No I don't want it to be ICP but I would like them to be able to tell me why the hell I feel like this. Had the 'urgent' growth scan they kept on and on about for the past two weeks, everything looks good. AFI looks great, baby looks great currently weighing in 'according to the ultrasound' at 7 lbs. Head down but not engaged in the birth canal so no, she's not coming any time soon. However I'm expected to drive two times a week - 2 hours round trip- to these appointments at the main office. I can't do that. Its not possible, my car won't live that long driving like that.  So now I'm supposed to have 2 NSTs per week, 1 BPP, and blood drawn weekly to monitor the 'low platelet' situation. Which I personally don't believe to be that urgent a situation at 93k, they haven't changed since I was tested for GESTATIONAL DIABETES AT 28 weeks. My Blood pressure looks amazing, the most its ever been elevated is 139/86......and it came down after I calmed down and hasn't gone back up since. Urine is normal, everything is normal except this damn itch.

I spoke too soon about cholestasis. I am itching so damn bad right now. I want this kid out and my tubes welded shut! My hands and feet are on fire, they itch. My arms, legs and back feel like I've got hair clippings and insulation in my clothes. I'm slathering lotion on my skin and sitting in front of a fan. I'm nauseated and my urine looks like tea regardless of me drinking 4 bottles of water so far. I'm so annoyed because I can't even sleep. Its driving me to tears. Its something that you can't even put into words.

When this pregnancy started I was 100% certain, and up until the 29 week mark I was still certain that I was having a tubal done.  The doctor's office I am seeing doesn't do standard tubals; instead they do 'non-invasive' essure procedure. In essence they put something foreign into your tubes to make tissue grow around it. Only problem is, the procedure is really uncomfortable, usually they don't get both tubes done at once and they can come out. Not only that they can migrate and perforate your other organs.....IE intestines......bladder..... So reading that has scared me silly. BCPs don't work for me, I have conceived 2 times on the pill. So I looked into the IUD; it can do the same thing as far as migrating and perforating your organs. Perhaps the FAM method would be best to use? We successfully used withdrawal for several years, so we may use that in combination with FAM. (fertility awareness method)  Anyway I kept telling myself if I developed Gestational Diabetes, or cholestasis I would push for a standard tubal because those are some serious illnesses associated with pregnancy and pose risks to the baby. Well, lo and behold......I haven't developed EITHER! I've only gained about 16 lbs this pregnancy. I'm not even dilated in the least bit. Its like everything is trying to make my decision so difficult. Financially, its the most reasonable decision to push for permanent birth control..... I'm now saying that if I have a difficult/complicated/painful delivery I will push for a tubal......if that doesn't happen I give....

The horrible muscle cramps have started. My calves are actually sore from them cramping up.

Cursed. My hands and feet are burning and itching....its slowly intensifying......Going for blood labs tomorrow to check for Re-occurring Cholestasis.....I was so hoping that I would be that small margin that it doesn't reoccur in. I had it checked earlier on but they weren't elevated enough to cause concern. The past week or so I've been having episodes that I've tried to ignore until today. My hands & Feet (palms & soles) feel like they are burning like from a sunburn. And they are so itchy....I actually sat and 'scratched' my feet on the rough concrete in our drive way today.  I'm hoping its not Cholestasis, but I have the feeling its is

Just wonderful. Just one more thing to add to the list of annoyances of living where I live.

I feel like everyone is sitting back and waiting for me to fail.

Baby will weigh around 6 lb 2 oz.