Our holiday has come to an end. We have been home for a good 4 hours. We had a takeaway and it was so disappointing but we did watch Wonka & that was pretty good! There are so many things I want to write about since the last holiday post but alas, brain is as fried as my skin which did not stand a chance out there today.
I'm, in a way, happy to be home, but I didn't want to leave the coast. The caravan was cool but stressful to be in with a toddler and I forgot how hot they are in summer?? Sheesh. Idk though guys, I had a proper cry last night when leaving. We went for one last evening walk with the dog right up to the cliffs and the sunset was making everything look so ethereal. I was like "I don't want to say goodbye" but it wasn't the beach, or the sea, it was the feeling of being home, of feeling close to my Nana, and the pain of losing her and my safe place with her (which was only a 20 miles or so up the coastline from where we were staying). I really struggled to walk away. I was having a full on episode. A new wave of grief. I cried to Simon about how I can't say goodbye because you can't say goodbye to someone who's already gone, and goodness me, I felt my inner child screaming at the top of her lungs. It was... a really raw moment that I think has been trapped inside of me for a very long time.
When we checked out this morning, we headed an hour up the coast to Bridlington, and it was so sunny and warm. And for the most part we were having an excellent time but things went wrong so fast when I took the kids onto the beach singlehandedly. Preface; I told Bub we could only paddle in the sea and he had to stay close. But he ran off and wouldnt listen and then decided to latch onto a random kid and his mum who were in swimming gear and going deeper and deeper into the sea. Bub followed. Bare in mind, he was not at all dressed for aquatics. I was stressed as fuck! I had tried to tie my dress up and I had Cub with me so I couldn't run, and Bub would not come back he just kept going deeper and deeper out to sea and I was shouting at the top of my lungs but he was definitely pretending he couldn't hear me until eventually the mum clicked on that I was shouting him and urged him to go see what I wanted. By that point the sea was splashing against my knees and I had to pick Cub up so I was getting soaked. Cub wasn't happy, he wanted to run. And then Bub refused to come out of the sea kept telling me things were fine and I was like "you cant swim, you cant be going out that deep on your own, where I cant keep you safe" and he was just... he wouldnt move. It took forever to get him back up to the rock pools where we'd left our shoes and then he wouldn't go because he wanted to explore the rock pools. Meanwhile I am soaked and burning hot in the sun, Cub is soaked right up to his nappy (I'd picked him up before the sea could get that high but it must have travelled with all the splashing) and Simon was nowhere near us as he couldn't join us on the no-dog beach with Willow. I was so angry. I was gutted, actually. I'd really wanted me and the kids to have fun on the beach for an hour or so, but because Bub had decided to wade into the sea up until it reached his armpits, I had been so scared he would be overthrown by a wave, and Cub couldn't play or paddle or collect rocks and shells like he'd loved doing on Wednesday. It hurt me. It did. It took everything in me to stay calm but I know I was calm in the same way lava looks cold. I just was trying to regulate myself so I could parent properly. It took everything to not react like my parents. And I managed it, but for half of the journey home I was quiet and trying to stop myself from spiralling. But I did stop the spiral and I did refocus. I'm glad about that.
