oh no i'm toast

"and your mother?"

"dead."

It's the way he ends up dropping down, clutching Ilya's legs, face at crotch level. And I mean, there's an insensitive joke to be made about that being his comfort position.

But, also, that IS kind of his comfort position.

Because, the same way that sex is the primary way that Ilya (especially early on) is able to show his true feelings, the same is true for Shane too.

Shane is always controlled. He's always contained. He's always in a role. He's the Hockey Player. He's the Brand. He's the Role Model. He's the Boyfriend of the Movie Star.

It's not that he doesn't get emotional, but when he does, it's so quiet. His eyes fill with tears that never fall. His mouth quivers, but never makes a sound. He stands, staring a text that he never sends. He watches Ilya win the cup, surrounded by a team that has no idea that he's doing anything at all.

Even with his family, where we do see/hear a more obvious response: his voice shaking with Yuna. Dropping his head to the table, as he "freaks out". It's still a very small reaction. He's trained himself to be small.

It's only with Ilya and only during sex that he really is free to just feel and react and let things go.

So what I'm saying is there's no "kind of" about it. You are correct. This is canonically his self-soothing position because of an established onscreen pattern of behavior.

This is just the first time he doesn't immediately hide it.

This to me does not yell man with a plan. This to me says man who is so desperate to love and be loved that he is digging his nails into the only thing he wants and clinging to it. Desperate enough that he'll stay up until four in the morning with his heart rabbiting in his chest and his mind spinning faster than the earth itself trying to come up with something, ANYTHING that lets him. Fucking. Keep. This.

But on a normal day? He thrives on routine SPECIFICALLY so that he does not have to plan shit. Mr. I Hired A Stylist pays people and his MAMA to do that for him. For the things that don't involve hockey or his brand deals, Mr. A Designer Bought These Pillows just trundles along behind his husband and goes where he's told no questions asked. He fucking LOVES to wake up in the morning and have every aspect of his day prepared for him. He loves to wake up and scroll his color-coded calendar and know exactly what's on the docket. He's got a routine that he does not deviate from if he can POSSIBLY help it and it looks a little something like:

wake up when the alarm goes off.

SOMETIMES: Sex with Ilya. Whatever Ilya decides.

If sex with Ilya: Shower (Unless the sex with Ilya was in the shower)

Smoothie

go on run when the alarm goes off.

Come home and drink exactly the amount of water in the bottle he prefilled before his jog

Do yoga until the alarm goes off

Shower

Meal prepped breakfast

Game Tape OR admin OR workout OR whatever Yuna's put on the schedule until the alarm goes off.

SOMETIMES: Sex with Ilya. Whatever Ilya decides.

Shower, if needed.

Meal prepped lunch

Pre-game nap

[INSERT HOCKEY HERE.]

Come home.

PROBABLY: Sex with Ilya. Whatever Ilya decides.

Eat meal prepped dinner.

Wind-down time until the alarm goes off.

SOMETIMES: Sex with Ilya. Whatever Ilya decides.

Bed

Heated Rivalry — 1x04 ⤷ TUNA MELTDOWN

(sources below)

at the bar where shane meets rose, and he tries to order a ginger ale, and the bartender is surprised

not even judgmental! just surprised. he even says they do have it, and i think goes to grab some for shane.

but his little moment of surprise makes shane remember that you're not supposed to order ginger ale at a bar, that that's weird, and he doesn't really understand why that is

he knows that being weird is not allowed, though. so he asks for a beer, whatever beer, because he knows that's the normalest thing he could possibly do, that's what Men Like To Drink.

it's just such a small detail. and we see it happen more than once to shane. it happens also with the waiter at the restaurant when he's having lunch with his parents who's visibly surprised and a little snobby when he asks for a ginger ale and offers sparkling water instead. and again shane just says it's fine.

everywhere shane goes, he gets these little signals that the things that he wants aren't allowed because they're not normal. and it's obvious that he doesn't understand why, which makes sense because there's no fucking logic to why it's okay to order a coke but not a ginger ale. but he's learned to deal with it by just accepting that he must have missed something, he must have done something wrong, and he should just ignore what he wants, maybe decide he doesn't want it at all, so that no one knows that he's breaking the rule of normal even though the rule of normal is arbitrary and stupid and often applies to things that matter as little as what kind of drink you want to order at a bar. even when the signal is just a little bit of surprise from some guy behind a bar. even when it's about a fucking ginger ale.

harris, stone cold sober: like it's not like i suddenly forget i have a heart condition. i know my body. i know what it can handle. and i know what i want.

shane, slightly tipsy: and you wanna get railed

harris: AND I WANNA GET RAILED IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK

shane: can i tell you something. you cannot tell anyone

harris: no promises

shane: eh fuck what does it matter anymore. remember that halloween party ilya threw when he wore that gladiator costume?

harris: yeah he looked so hot in that instagram picture

shane: i needed him so bad that i drove to ottawa that night even though i had a morning skate the next day

harris: holy shit. i get it. respect

shane: with a plug in

harris:

shane:

harris: so that's why ilya married you

This time I have some thoughts about this scene and what Shane specifically is thinking.

Starts out innocently enough. Ilya finds a nice segway to his question; do you like girls? (In his roundabout way since he couldn't ask a direct question to save his life) And you can literally see how tense Shane is immediately. Like as soon as Ilya says it. He does NOT want to be thinking about women. He JUST got dicked down for gods sake. He's already weirded out by how this day is going (they've never hung out before. Never just sat in the same room not doing something either hockey related or sexual). But now he also has to contend with the whole not-being-into-girls thing and his feelings around that AND his feelings about Ilya. So he shuts down.

AND THEN. Even worse! Ilya brings up a specific girl. Possibly his girl. He "likes her very much."

And everyone sees Shane's face as jealous here. And that isn't wrong. But I don't think it's all of it. He had finally kind of settled. Was starting to have a regular conversation, only to be YANKED back into reality. That this is strange and unusual for them. He is so out of his element.

And then MORE EVEN WORSE. Mystery girl Svetlana is interested in him! And Shane could not be less interested. He is NOT into this conversation. The jealousy of having to think about Ilya with someone else, the weirdness or the day, and now the ever-familiar pressure to be interested in girls when he just isn't . He doesn't look just upset. To me he looks tired. There is a lot going on for him in this moment.

Now Ilya, on the other hand, is pleased. His question hasn't been answered but he at least knows that Shane is not interested in Svetlana. And he enjoys riling him up, of course. Maybe he enjoys knowing Shane gets jealous about him if he really clocked that it was jealousy. Ilya's still fairly in the dark about Shane's feelings as well. And maybe it's a minor confirmation that Shane doesn't just fuck anyone who lets him. Less other people to worry about.

NOW THIS PART I'VE BEEN DYING TO TALK ABOUT. Look at how he doesn't look at Ilya when he asks this. I've seen people say how jealous he looks (not wrong) BUT I've never seen this particular take: He's asking if she's his girlfriend. The underlying issue here is NOT just "is there another person in your life you fuck like you fuck me?" (Because he can ignore the nameless hookups he only hears rumors about) But is she your GIRLFRIEND? ARE YOU CHEATING ON HER WITH ME? Shane does NOT want to be the side piece (he wants to be the main piece). Does not want to think about Ilya being serious with someone else. Does not want to be put in a position where someone could find out about them and possibly be vindictive with that information.

And Ilya says no.

—

Their first year into marriage, Ilya finally sees Shane drunk. The real kind of drunk, not the slightly tipsy off of a couple of light beers drunk. Instead, Shane has decided tonight it's finally time to let Ilya see him like this. Something about control, about image, about the curated Shane Hollander the world gets to see.

Raiders: 👀

Ilya: My Jane said she will send me glasses pic if we win tonight!

Raiders who have experienced this before: Fuck yeah brother 😫🙏

Ilya: So I am not loosing to New fucking Jersey and missing a picture of my pretty Jane in her glasses!

- Ok, yeah, I kinda see what you mean.

- Huh?

- The glasses. He does look good in them.