Thoughts On A Beach

Ya’ll...

It’s not attractive, it’s not the perceived humility you think it is, it’s not effective, it’s not helpful, it’s not making anyone feel any better.  But it is making you look small, like a pushover, meek, co-dependent, unconfident.  None of those things are particularly attractive in a partner, employee, friend, or family member.  So if that’s you, work on it.  

I found an excellent article on this website: livewellwithsharonmartin.com

Whether you do it as a bad habit, to people please, from low self esteem, because you’re a perfectionist, you feel uncomfortable sitting with feelings, or you feel responsible for other people’s actions, it’s not a good trait to have. It’s also typically accompanied by codependency, low self-esteem, fear of conflict, poor boundaries, sometimes enmeshment. 

What I didn’t expect was a man who was intimidated by athletic success.  He could be better intellectually and in some sports... but he couldn’t accept that I was good at mine.  Better than him. He couldn't accept that without being emasculated.  He was good at so many things, athletic, great at many sports, but in mine, I was faster than him.  Out of thousands of sports, I was better at 2.  And he couldn’t just let me have that and support me and my excitement for it.

Men don’t close doors, so you have to do it for them.  When they say:

“I’m not saying I never want this, I just am not ready”

“I don’t think we should do this right now”

“Don’t lose my number”

“Let’s keep in touch”

I’ve heard it all.  It all means the same thing: I don’t want what you want, and I don't want you right now, but in case I don’t find anyone better, I’m going to keep you in my back pocket. 

To that I say a very hearty and firm NO THANKS.

Mind you, the response to every one of these is: I wish you the very best.

What I leave unsaid is “please lose my number and never contact me again”

You leave me once, shame on you.  You leave me twice?  Not going to happen because I won’t give you the chance. 

Men make themselves ready for the right person, so if they are not ready, you are NOT IT.

As ready as I am for the lessons to be over, it appears that they aren’t just quite yet (I refer to previous relationships as ‘lessons’).  Vulnerability is one of the recent ones:

Something to watch for in a new romantic interest is whether actions follow words.  Does a person do what they say they’re going to do.  This is an essential element of life and relationships in general.

What I didn’t realize is that it not only applies to “I’m going to buy a house this year” and “I’m going to take you out to dinner when you return from your travels” and “We’ll make the best of it, I’ll take you to a park and we can have coffee there.” It also applies to the way people feel.  They can say “I trust you” and “I like you” and “You’re my best friend” and “I can feel vulnerable around you,” but do they show that?  Do they truly show you that they feel those things?

How does one show how they feel?  Lets start with “I trust you.”  That’s both in a loyalty sense AND the ability to trust you with their insecurities.  Do they share tough days, tough emotions, their hopes and fears?  If they don’t, they don’t actually trust you.  Vulnerability is very similar.  How does a person act on that?  By sharing the hard things and showing you that they are comfortable doing so.  By opening up when they usually protect themselves.  By being candidly honest about how things you do make them feel, good or bad, and right away, not 3 weeks later.

“You're ready when you can love like you’ve never been hurt”

- Tony Gaskins

In with that, is unconsciously not comparing your present with your past, current relationships with previous... and you don’t even have to think about it.  You just realize that you don’t do that anymore.

I wanted to put this down in writing so I can remember it.

I’ve dealt with what I perceive to be certain characteristics of narcissism recently, and the more I learn, the more things seem to come together. 

It is really unsettling when you are in a less-than-ideal situation, and you let someone know... hey, this is stressful.  They give no response, and when you bring up that situation later, they just gush about how much they did to help you, versus giving any credence or thought to the stress you were experiencing.

Or when you have a genuine concern for your safety.  You’re in a dangerous place.  You share your fear and the other person just talks about how they’re going to avoid your area because they are just so worried about their own safety.  They don’t even live there.  They live hours away.  And they give no acknowledgement to your fear, your isolation [curfew], or any of your mental/emotional fallout of being in that situation. They don’t ask if you’re okay, or if you’ll be okay.  They just focus on how they wouldn’t feel safe being there.

Isn't it funny how things in life eventually come full circle.

A person who is very upset when their complacency in a relationship is called out by their S.O... then say that a muscular lifter they dated was 'too big' to be a fast runner.  That same person ends up with a very positive, kind, S.O., who won't challenge them, or call them out.  Someone who isn't at the same fitness level, so they know if they don't stay motivated, it's ok to let themselves go.  That S.O. will still be there, accepting less than the person they initially thought they had, because they truly have a good heart, but not the fire of accountability. 

This is dripping with hypocrisy.  A 'better than thou' attitude, while they actually have nothing to offer.  Pride is a dangerous line to cross, and those that won't humble themselves are going to have a fun trip down, because that's the only direction pride takes you.

Prideful people don't seek out motivators, or someone that might, in any way, outshine them, or draw more attention.  These egotistical people have to have all the attention, and all the glory possible in any given situation.  Naturally, they will chose a partner who won't push them, who they think may be physically 'beneath' them, but a person that will give them every second of attention and drown them in compliments.  They need their egos boosted.  Often.

They say 'nice guys finish last' like being a nice guy is a bad thing.  Truth is, healthy, happy women will be attracted to the nice guys, assuming they have other affable and compatible traits.

 The unfortunate truth: nice guys are not always nice. guys.  Sure the majority of the time they are kind, giving, and respectful.  But even nice guys have demons, even nice guys can say or do something so toxic, you don't know if it's forgivable.  Once you've been around them for long enough, these things surface, and you get to see the 'nice guy's' qualities that no one else sees. 

 So really, 'nice guys' don't finish last.  Any guy can finish last.  The players just show their cards right away, but how much different are these people, really?  Can a guy really call himself a 'nice guy'?  Maybe they should leave that judgment to the one who knows them best.  Let them decide.

Wait for the one who takes the pain out of your smile.

Wait for the one that lights up your face with pure, innocent bliss.

Wait for the one that makes you cry happy tears.

Wait for the one that can read you without hearing a single word. 

Wait for the one that knows something is wrong, yet you've said nothing.

Wait for the one who takes a breather from an argument, to come back, apologize, and express his/her love.

Wait for the one you can easily plan a future with.

Wait for the one that will do anything with you, and try anything with you.

Wait for the one that respects you.

Wait for the one who looks up to you.

Wait for the one who motivates you.

Wait for the one who you happy doing nothing with.

Wait for the one you will miss deeply when you're apart.

Wait for the one that takes nothing from you and your life, only adds to it in positive ways.

Wait for the one who will always try to understand.

I left.  I walked away from something so toxic, it could have ruined me.  But not anymore.  Never again.

I will never have the screaming, useless, immature blowout fights and arguments. 

I will never have my arm violently thrown away when I try to clean him up when he’s wasted. 

I will never have to be called a B**** or a C*** ever again. 

I won’t be told “we’re done” every time he feels uncomfortable. 

I won’t have to deal with him drunk and angry because I won’t get physical in his aunt’s bathroom, followed by “then don’t touch me.”

I won't be made to cry at weddings. 

I won't have him drunkenly grope me in public.

I won't have him biting my face so hard my jaw hurts the next day because “I meant to kiss you.”

I won’t have to defend my desire to buy colored pants. 

I won't get dumped after not texting for 2 or 3 hours.

I won’t have to defend my right to spend my own money on clothes or shoes.

I don’t have to try to be friends with awful, mean girls that don’t like me. 

I don’t have someone driving by my place, then accusing me of being ‘out’ when my lights are on and my car is there.

I don't have someone insisting I make my cat meow to prove I’m home.

But...

I can wear heels, any heels, any height, without being criticized. 

I can wear cute and classily revealing clothes without the fear of being dumped. 

I can have friends.  

I can go out.    

I can chase my goals.