#overapologizing

spamtenna haters,

This one has a pet peeve with the phrase one will hear a hundred times a day in transfem circles: “Sorry!” That phrase comes up every time a traumatized transfem comrade of its does anything from cheering too loudly to the mere crime of existing. The phrase “Sorry!” has been ingrained to us since childhood; from traumatizing parents angry their child couldn’t do something they weren’t taught to do, to schoolteachers angry you got an arithmetic problem wrong, to authority figures appalled that a child would step on a blade of grass. “Sorry!” crops up every single day from there on, the symptom of a traumatized soul convinced it will never be good enough. And, more than anything, “Sorry!” eats at our minds, trapping us in a spiral where we self-reinforce the traumas that lead us to that accursed word in the first place.

“Sorry!” did not bring itself into transfem circles overnight. We were raised in a punitive world where symbolic punishment was more important than teaching a kid what they did wrong and how to grow up from it. Authority figures would put us in time-out, detention, or juvenile detention. They were more concerned about keeping authority and order, than helping us grow and learn. We were told to apologize, to say “Sorry!”, often without knowing why what we did was incorrect. It was simply ingrained in us to apologize and keep our heads low.

Of course, being raised in a culture of punishment as “justice”, the word “Sorry!” never left our heads. Did we forget to let our partner know something? “Sorry!” Did we talk in just a bit too high of a voice? “Sorry!” Did we merely exist in the same room as somebody, and talk about our problems instead of theirs, as if we were equals? “Sorry!” That word keeps us lesser – that phrases does the work of a hundred fascists, making us hide from existing; hide from being ourselves; hide from acknowledging that we are equals in this world! “Sorry!” That damnable phrase is a cop, and it lives rent-free in so many of our heads!

What is “Sorry!” going to keep doing to us? Naturally, given it came from the traumas of authority and punishment, it tries to “keep us in line”! Surely, if we keep apologizing, we won’t be hurt and abandoned! But that is a lie. “Sorry!” tells us lies and amplifies our traumas to such a horrid extent. The more we apologize – the more we say “Sorry!” – the further our psychology goes into beating itself up, minimizing itself, denying its existence in some futile act of self-preservation. That is the curse of “Sorry!” The more you use it, the more you further justify its use, imagining everything you do as a sleight against somebody who didn’t even say anything.

So, how do we change this? How do we rid ourselves of “Sorry!”? It is hard, but we must stop giving that phrase room in our vocabulary! We don’t want punitive justice! We want to grow and change for the better as individuals! We acknowledge to ourselves how beautiful and equal we are, and don’t let the fascists live in our head by keeping us down low with “Sorry!” Stop apologizing for every small, imagined infraction. You don’t have to preemptively apologize if nobody said what you did was a problem.

If you have someone in your life that is an anxious apologizer, instead of saying "stop saying sorry so much!" try "you have nothing to apologize for".

It provides comfort instead of commanding.

Ya’ll...

It’s not attractive, it’s not the perceived humility you think it is, it’s not effective, it’s not helpful, it’s not making anyone feel any better.  But it is making you look small, like a pushover, meek, co-dependent, unconfident.  None of those things are particularly attractive in a partner, employee, friend, or family member.  So if that’s you, work on it.  

I found an excellent article on this website: livewellwithsharonmartin.com

Whether you do it as a bad habit, to people please, from low self esteem, because you’re a perfectionist, you feel uncomfortable sitting with feelings, or you feel responsible for other people’s actions, it’s not a good trait to have. It’s also typically accompanied by codependency, low self-esteem, fear of conflict, poor boundaries, sometimes enmeshment. 

I admit, I was an annoying and persistent child in 3rd grade, but I'd also just moved schools and was probably just realizing that I hated "girly" stuff and I was 1/2 pretending to like it for the 4 people that were my friends and only 2 of them also transferred and only 1 of them was in my class, so of course I was trying to make friends. Cue this person, who I will refer to as "E". I tried to make friends with her, and it somewhat worked. She didn't like me much, but she didn't say anything, and it never occurred to me that she found me annoying. I was like 8 I didn't even know people actually hated each other. So I talked to E occasionally in 3rd grade, she was closer to another friend I had made, so it was more of that. Sometimes she seemed more annoyed with me than others, but I didn't realize she was annoyed at me, I just assumed it was somethimg I said.

By fourth grade, it was pretty much the same, I realized she was annoyed a little more, but she never actually said anything about it, she just seemed annoyed. I just kept thinking I said the wrong things around her.

In fifth grade, we got along better. I really wanted to impress E, and I wanted her to like me, because when E was in a good mood it was great, but if I said the wrong thing a second too early, she would be angry. It was like walking on eggshells, but everyone else seemed fine, so I still though my I just didn't fully understand her. I apologized more, whenever E got annoyed at me.

In 6th grade, I finally realized by the end of the year, that it was just me E didn't like for no reason. She got annoyed at everything I said, and talked about it to our other friends. It started to sink in when I overheard her say "She apologizes too much". I only overapologize because I always seem to say the wrong thing. And I only ever seem to say the wrong thing around E. It wasn't that my jokes never fell flat, or that I didn't make annoying comments around other people occasionally, but they never seemed to mind that much, but with E I couldn't talk to her for the rest of the day, at least, because me talking puts her in a bad mood.

Eventually I was at another friend's house, and we wound up talking about how it was the same experience, and we agreed the "friendship" with E was doing more harm than good, and that there was no way she would actually like us, there was no way we would suddenly not be walking on the eggshells around her.

A few weeks later I was talking to a different friend about how we decided that, just to make sure she knew, and to see if it was the eggshell feeling with her.

"E's sensitive"

"She said she didn't like you much"

Okay, yeah. She was sensitive. And looking back on it, she didn't like me. But did she ever say anything? If she never laughed at my jokes, didn't invite me to birthday parties, and didn't get really exited when I gave her drawings, and didn't sit next to me on the bus on an overnight fieldtrip and we never have a ton of inside jokes, I'd almost say I should've realized sooner.

If she was only tolerating me, then none of that would've happened.

It hurt having another friend have to tell it to me to my face, like it had always been obvious, instead of her. E never said anything. She had never excluded me, like she had other people. Sometimes I said the wrong thing every other day, and she'd act like she hated me, but sometimes she was fun. Sometimes she liked me. Sometimes I'd feel like a friend. I'd still apologize at least three times if I'd said the wrong thing, but that was normal.

Awkward over-apology. Redo of a cartoon from 2016. 

Do this, if you’re stuck in the habit of saying “sorry” for everything.

1️⃣When you feel the urge to say sorry, pause and ask yourself, “Am I apologizing for something I’ve actually done wrong?” 2️⃣Replace sorry with gratitude. Instead of “Sorry for being late,” try “Thank you for waiting.” Gratitude shifts the focus from guilt to appreciation. 3️⃣Reframe your requests. Replace “Sorry to bother you” with “Do you have a moment?” It’s polite without putting yourself down. 4️⃣Start small by saying what you need without apologizing. For example, “I need a moment to gather my thoughts,” instead of “Sorry, I need a moment.” 5️⃣Write down situations where you almost said sorry and what you said instead. Celebrate your efforts to unlearn this habit.

Remember, you don’t need to apologize for existing. You are as deserving of space, respect, and time as anyone else. Start owning your space today! 💪