One of the millions of Emilys

THIS ONE

i can see it

That guy learned what skipping is this year and now he’s playing the piano the worst I’ve ever seen but the best he’s ever done! AREN’T YOU CAPTIVATED BY THEIR ABILITY TO DO A LITTLE BIT WHEN PREVIOUSLY THEY COULD DO NOTHING? Be filled with wonder and joy!

PEER REVIEWED

*insert piping plover emojis here*

And by the time he finally gets back it's almost 3 am and the bar is about to close while she's sitting there stone cold sober, surrounded by 5 drunk guys unsuccessfully trying to convince her to give up on waiting for him and go home with one of them instead. And the guy shows up to proceed to beat the shit out of them before explaining himself to her like hey sorry bullshit kept happening, my phone fell into a storm drain and my wallet got stolen when I was trying to find someone who'd borrow me a phone so I could call and

That buys her another hour or so and then, finally, her boyfriend makes it back. He looks like shit, hair down and just a mess, he's wearing an entirely different jacket that he got from an alley, and barely recognizable—especially to 5 guys who've been drunk for hours now. He lurks for a minute, finds out what's going on, and proceeds to pull off the trick shot first try. Throws the jacket off, fixes his hair with a hair tie his girlfriend lends him, finally looks like himself again, and THEN beats the shit out of them with the pool cue.

dude they cannot fucking read this isnt going to do anything

(especially bc u like men)

the villain’s origin story is that he can’t eat apples anymore. every fight scene plays like a slapstick comedy. two key combat sequences end with our sexy leading men getting boinked on the head. the climax is initiated by one ship firing forks at another ship. everyone is unreasonably hot. plot armor made only of the word “parlay”. the Redcoats are more useless than you could possibly imagine. Elizabeth almost drowns, gets held hostage, and then her entire village is destroyed but the worst part of her day is that a man proposed to her. a crew of skeleton pirates do drag to trojan horse their way into the final battle. truly insane stuff can't wait for more.

chewy dot com wants you to know that they are proud purveyors of fine Dog Exorcism Potions, btw

LOBOTOMIZE YOUR MACHINES