Homo Sapiens, Nerd Edition

All my haters become lactaters when they suckle at the teat of success

All my haters become fellators when presented with the cock of victory

All my followers become judgemental when confronting my posts of internet

i wish people in fandom spaces wouldn't couch the (alleged) crimes of creators in such vague terms. "Gaiman is controversial right now" NO, Gaiman has been accused of rape by several women. "DC probably won't reprint a lot of 90s green lantern because Gerard Jones is problematic." NO, Gerard Jones was convicted of possession of child pornography. "controversial" and "problematic" do not accurately convey what is going on remotely and if anything play down what these people have done.

no amount of butter or salt removes the nutrients from vegetables

i see a curved penis and i want to fix that shit. it's not that it's gross i just bet an hour in a bench vice would make that shit shoot straight. i wanna comically spin the handle and wrench it tight with the skill of a shop teacher that's been doing this for years. safety goggles on. heavy duty gloves. op! be careful of the clenching back there. that's how Ms. Paradise lost a pinky in college.

girl why is your pussy trying to take me on the road less traveled. fucking that thing i hear google maps say "exit left." trying to hit your spot but your pussy said that's not part of the guided tour. your shit is so twisted the people's joker took it to her doctor saying "like this please." I KNOW she WILL be comin around the mountain when she comes! i always wanted a girl who turned heads, but this is ridiculous!!!

"cats are incapable of love" cats understand affectionate bothering, something it takes years-long relationships to develop between humans

A cat is a machine that turns proteins into violence.

OH MY GOD MY CATS HAVE FANART

All y'all better be reblogging this

PERIOD. I WON’T TOLERATE BIGOTS 🖕🏻

blunder of the century: Farage plays Ephemerate into non-targeted removal

I feel like it hardly matters anymore, but Flock isn't the only unsecured intrusive data selling crime inventing AI hallucinating automated license plate reading mass surveillance camera operators. Axon and Motorola and Amazon and ALPR and CCTV and security cameras should be equally rejected. All surveillance must go.

There is no such thing as benign surveillance.

You are never monitored for your safety.

crazy how quickly dust accumulates. i should be allowed to put my trinkets on a shelf and not touch them and they remain in perfect condition forever. dont even get me STARTED on the inside of a computer. why do i have to brush your teeth. youre technology.

oh my goodness, one of dian fossey’s first close up observations with gorillas happened when she was trying to climb a tree to see them better, but so badly that by the time she’d gotten up the entire group had come out of hiding to look at her: “Nearly all members of the group had totally exposed themselves, forgetting about hiding coyly behind foliage screens because it was obvious to them that the observer had been distracted by tree-climbing problems, an activity they could understand.”

hello, fellow apes

[Image transcript: porch. The group had been day-nesting and sunbathing when I contacted them, but upon my approach they nervously retreated to obscure themselves behind thick foliage. Frustrated but determined to see them better, I decided to climb a tree, not one of my better talents. The tree was particularly slithery and, try as I might, no amount of puffing, pulling, gripping, or clawing succeeded in getting me more than a few feet aboveground. Disgustedly, I was about to give up when Sanwekwe came to my aid by giving one mighty boost to my protruding rump; tears were running from his eyes as he was convulsed in silent laughter. I felt as inept as a baby taking its first step. Finally able to grab on to a conveniently placed branch, I hauled myself up into a respectful semislouch position in the tree about twenty feet from the ground. By this time I naturally assumed that the combined noises of panting, cursing, and branch-breaking made during the initial climbing attempts must have frightened the group on to the next mountain. I was amazed to look around and find that the entire group had returned and were sitting like front row spectators at a sideshow. All that was needed to make the image complete were a few gorilla-sized bags of popcorn and some cotton candy! This was the first live audience I had ever had in my life and certainly the least expected.]

imagine some freakish not-a-human alien THING has shown up out of nowhere and is trying to get into your office building to study you. but it has no idea how to get past a revolving door. it tries for three hours. by the time it finally understands the concept of a revolving door and squeeze into the building everyone in the office is crowded into the lobby to watch and call helpful suggestions. it’s conclusively determined that the alien is definitely not a threat, except maybe to itself.