Ollie

Maybe you know this feeling that, despite life going well, you still can't be happy?

That doesn't mean you're ungrateful, but you also don't have to pretend you're happy just for having or acomplishing things. It's okay to not be happy with your life.

Four years ago, I had everything. I was happy, my family was compleate at that stage, I had a loving boyfriend, I was good looking, I got accepted into Law university, I had a job where, despite working really hard at, it was fun because of my coworkers, I was having my secret passion for writing that I loved deeply, and my own community of wonderful people supporting my work. Life was at its peak. I had all the things that sounded like bragging. All that things that could make someone happy.

And I really was, in the most honest and real way, happy.

Then only a year later, my life collapsed.

My boyfriend broke up with me just because he wasn't ready for commitment. Two months later my mom got diagnozed with cancer and underwent surgery and treatments. A month later? Grandma was diagnozed with cancer too, she needed surgery as quickly as possible. We have lost her in 2 weeks after the surgery. Thieves broke into our house. I have fallen down the stairs and broke my ankle and had struggled with pain for a really long time. But what hurt really hard was losing my passion for writing. My grandma was my inspiration. She had been the woman who had taught me to love stories and how to woven them into words ever since I was only a toddler, and I felt like I failed her for losing that spark. I tried to keep writing a short while after her passing, more like forcing myself to do so, but nothing came. It also made me fail all the kind people out there who enjoied my work, and I regret that. I regret hurting those people feelings with my incapacity of writing again. Depression and grief got the best of me and turned everything I was into scattered ash. Pieces that I've yet have to reclaim and put together.

Two years it took me to start feeling anything else than an empty void filled with numbness inside me, if that makes sense. That and an all consuming anger. I was angry at myself, at the world, at life. At everything and anything at the same time.

Now my life sounds like it started getting better again.

It started sounding like I brag when I'm actually not.

I have a well paid job, my mom's cancer hadn't returned, my leg mostly recovered, I am now studying for a Master's Degree in Law, I opened myself up for relationships, I became a godmother, and I even started to try writing again. I built a whole world in hopes I'll one day write my own book that the world will love.

It had sat untouched on my dask for almost half a year now, and knowing me, it will remain like so.

A small part of me will always ache for that childhood dream of an innocent little girl to become an actress, to become an artist. Things all children dream of. Happiness, success, fame, their own family.

All I have managed so far? To be a dissapointment for myself in the first place, then for the rest of the world.

So just because your life seems like it's settling down, that everything is well, and yet you can't feel happy about it? Don't worry. You're not alone.

Don't get me wrong! I am grateful!

Grateful for my family, my job, my studies. Things that others would call acomplishments you got to be proud of.

I am not proud though.

And happiness is a far away utopia for me right now.

So don't feel guilty for not feeling happy despite having certain things.

Being grateful doesn't have to equal with being happy or content.

Overachievement is mostly stress, and less happiness.

I like to think there are so many people out there who feel just like me every day. People who pretend to be happy just to get through the day, yet on the inside they're dying a little bit more with each day they can't find their place into the world and feel like failures. People who get out of the bed in the morning just because they have to keep the appearances up.

We're not a failure, yet self-blaming doesn't let us see past that. To see past the mistakes. To see past the things we see as bad.

And I'm sorry if this is too long or if it sounds either like bragging or complaining online.

It's not.

But if at least one person, somewhere out there into this vast world felt a little less alone in their struggles after reading this, then I don't care about the rest. I'm used to the bad things and harsh words anyways.

If sharing helps, then I'm always here to listen.

Forever yours,

The woman's breath caught, and she said, "Yeah, I'm fine," in the least fine voice I have ever heard.

So I walked away. Made it all the way to the sinks. Washed my hands. And turned around and went back because nope, not fine, not okay.

"Look, I don't want to be a dick, and you don't have to tell me what's going on, but is there anything that would help? I've got water, ibuprofen, and safety pins, and I could find other stuff."

"No, no, it's fine. I have those too."

"...okay."

I made it to the sinks again. She went back to sobbing like her heart was being torn out one strand of muscle at a time.

An older woman sidled up to me. "Did she tell you anything?"

"Nope. I offered her water and ibuprofen, too."

"Oh! I've got snacks. Maybe that'll help."

"Worth a shot. Oh, hey, I think I have some of my business cards for my Etsy shop in here—I could write my number on one if she needs help later."

"I've got a pen!"

We hurried back to the stall, offered the snacks, and were rebuffed. Finally we slid the card and the pen under the stall door, explained that we were both mom friends/teachers/etc. and trying to help-not-creep, and reluctantly fucked off. I personally felt like shit about it, but I had places to be and I felt like I was close to overstepping the crying woman's boundaries if I hadn't already done so. And if I'd made her feel unsafe, well, she could toss the card.

The following morning, I got a text from an unknown number.

She identified herself as "Rose from the bathroom" and explained that she'd had a hell of a day, with multiple people being cruel to her, seemingly for no good reason. She'd hit her breaking point and fled to the bathroom to cry it out ... at which point two strangers had rocked up, checked on her multiple times, and generally done the dance of most social mammals when a member of their group is in unexplained distress. The two of us had, more or less accidentally, restored her faith in humanity by being worried apes at her. 18 hours later, she was having a much better time, and a lot of it was due to the two of us shoving things under her door.

Anyway, turns out we live about 20 minutes apart, and we're going to meet up for tea after we've recovered from con exhaustion.

So if you ever feel like humans in general and/or fandom humans in particular are irredeemable shits, remember that sometimes the same species who'll ruin your con day will try to slide trail mix and ibuprofen under your stall door in case it helps.

I still don't know what Rose looks like, btw (although apparently she knows what I look like—I mentioned I was in cosplay and she said she'd seen me around). I don't know whether she's cis or trans. So next time you hear someone bitching about trans women in the ladies', feel free to tell them that it never once crossed anybody's mind to ask. If you're crying in the bathroom, you're my sister.

At some point I took out my phone, and at the time I was using face unlock. This prompted him to tell me all the ways this technology doesn't work on him. How his phone selfie camera doesn't focus right because it's not detecting a face. How he had to update his ID the old fashioned way, because the website kept rejecting his photos. And how it was becoming more and more common, and how it was making his life way harder.

Have you ever had a knot or tangle in a metal chain? Especially the very fine ones, it can be impossible to work them out with your fingers.

My friends, all you need is a thumbtack. In a pinch, a toothpick, needle, or any fine thin stick will do. I have never been defeated by a knot with a thumbtack in hand.

You stick the pointy end into the trickiest part of the knot and slowly just work it in. The knot loosens around it, and I’ve used this metaphor for acupuncture too because it’s the same principle to me.

I used the back of a pin : D this had been tangled for two full years, I'm so happy I got it back :, )

A young woman is imprisoned in a castle by a monstrously formed prince. The servants of the castle hope for them to fall in love, and when the spell is broken they assume their prayers have been answered. They are all surprised, but nonetheless pleased, when it is revealed to them that the young woman and prince are the truest of friends, and nothing more.

They say the kingdom is ruled by an evil queen, a woman who is incapable of loving. She is unmarried, she has no consorts, and she wishes for no partner. She is the wretched queen, the heartless queen. She must hate her daughter, for her daughter is beautiful, and women are incapable of liking another woman who’s prettier than themselves. It must be for this reason that the princess was sent away, not for how she was attacked by a man in the woods. They say the kingdom is ruled by an evil queen because she cannot love. The queen loves her daughter, and that is enough for them both.

There lives a prince who is forced to choose a bride at the ball. He meets many beautiful women, but find none which he loves. He spies one in a gorgeous gown and wonder in her eyes, and he dances with her all night long. The kingdom is sure he has found his bride. When the clock strikes midnight he tells her how he will never love a woman, or a man, in the way he is expected to. The beautiful woman smiles and tells him she expects nothing from him. The next morning the prince and the beautiful woman are missing, having run off together to see the world. They leave their shoes behind in their haste.