hey ! apologies if this makes no sense. so you said shane reconfigures how ilya sees his own bad qualities -> ‘What if my badness was Good. What if my meanness was Kind . What if theparts of me im the most afraid of Someone Else can see as selfless love. What if someone could see all of me and still think im Worth It’. 😮💨
i would love to know what you think that process of realisation? when did he get a sense of ‘wow I can be my most authentic self and it brings me closer to you’? surely it wasn’t immediate. you mentioned 2014 Vegas which is interesting, because sometimes I think Ilya’s remove there was his way of pulling back, even from their connection in the bathroom (which was very D/S but warmer than the penthouse)….. pretending to himself that none of this matters and he doesn’t really care if Shane follows his orders! I’m not married to this interpretation but I can imagine him as terrified by how amazing it feels to have somebody genuinely enjoy all the things he does, accept and crave all of him - that he’s afraid of having something to lose and being weak enough to have emotional needs which he fulfils by domming. that terror inspired by how quickly Shane figuratively knelt for him in the bathroom, which kind of shattered Ilya’s post-Sochi facade of ‘I can go without this’. And then in this reading, I guess at some point during the ep.4 montage, he makes psychological progress because he feels more secure and able to admit the depth of his connection with Shane?? I find this a little dissatisfying because that happens offscreen before tunameltdown.
Tldr; you are such an excellent ilya-terpeter, especially in regards to domminess and sadism, so I wanted to know where your reading would disagree re: when Ilya started craving the release of domming Shane and whether he ever denied this to himself!!
((also just making it clear I don’t see any dom guilt in Ilya, moreso anxiety at having Pleasure in his life due to trauma))
i love this ask soooo much what good ilyanalysis ur giving me so much to work with thank youuu. I feel like ilyas relationship with control + intimacy is so confusing for even himself and he has such a push-pull relationship with letting himself be seen that his decisions around it are like . Weird . <- central to my ilya interpretation he is nuzzling + biting + running + nuzzling and all of those reactions to intimacy feel Instinctual to him . ib
ilya sees his feelings as either In his control or Out of his control. Anger (+violence) within his control, desire within his control, intimacy within his control etc are all permissible and anger/desire/intimacy out of his control all terrify him. When Ilya is mean, violent, when he is reckless with his safety those are all expressions of his autonomy as long as they are within his control. As soon as they arent, like with him punching Alexei or desiring shane when he's with rose, they are reminiscent of his stifled autonomy under his father (and his father representing russiaaaaaa Somewhat), his emotions + responses chained to someone else in a way that leaves him feeling far more vulnerable than the emotional intimacy he struggles w allowing himself imo . His fear is admitting he Needs anyone.
I saw a post once about how ilya views himself as half his mother and half his father, and idk if this was the exact take away but to me its like resenting the soft part of himself but also viewing it as Essential to Protect . and seeing his anger (+ in my view any lack of restraint + control over it) as inherently destructive . and having seen clearly what happens when you subject someone to the Poison Inside You.
Last building block before i get into the ask #pondering myself into stagnation But ilya has an idea that intimacy during sex is something that doesnt count and intimacy outside of sex is guarded heavily + pretty much not allowed (except his bff . Like how cute is that he has his best frienddddd i will love u forever svetlana . and the way she establishes that ilya Does have a desire for domestic intimacy expressed platonically .. and even within his abusive family dynamic Omg heated rivalry i will love u forever. Ilya and his caretaker nature + the one person who sees everything he does as care) But this misconception around sexual vs non sexual is broken down over the course of the show . Their sexual communication cannot be extracted from their nonsexual. Their intimacy has been growing because theyve been learning each other sexually while ilyas trying to uselessly hold back on other forms of intimacy for the sake of self preservation- but it has All been intimate. Ilya learning shane inside and out- shane letting ilya see, trusting ilya with every part he doesn't let anyone look at.... Its sacred to both of them.... Its intimate of course it is.
Ok so vegas 2014 i agree ilya is trying to pull back emotionally as a continuation ofthe 6 months of ghosting shane like . "idgaf i dont even care i dont even need that feeling again".... but what he considers not Too intimate + how he responds when pushed around by his desire and how he reacts to having hurt shane + shane coming back for more makes it all sooo muddy and CONFUSING like i think the biggest thing ur supposed to take away was ilya was sending crazy mixed signals like... Be Mine . Go Away . Do what I say . Look at me . Need me . Hate me . Beg me. Pull away. Come back. Let me under your skin . and shane dutifully taking and obeying + enjoying + finding relief in every single one . and thinking of this treatment as Intimacy between himself and ilya
Like this is right after ilya forces shane to embarrass himself + then denies him further. The denial, to both of them, is a promise of more between them. It is a special torture ilya is giving to shane. Even though ilya was trying to be aloof in this scene That is not what happens emotionally between them. He is not being cruel in shane's eyes. his cruelty is a type of care... hes bringing shane relief . calming him down. Ilya is calmer afterwards toooooooooo.........
Shane's I need.. in the penthouse Being an admission. What Ilya has been avoiding all night (his own Need for their dynamic. The fact that through all of this hes been finally satiating his Need. That Ilya's chained to his desire for the control shane needs from him and has no Real control Over their situation- the control he has will always be Intimate and Vulnerable)
Ilya asking shane to tell him what he needs -> his resolve is breaking. Just like earlier in the bathroom ilya goes I want you to suck my dick and as soon as he gets what he was after (shanes upset) he gets to go in and Feed on the Relief he can bring shane with his hands and mouth. Hes greedily, indulgently breaking from his will + resolve by inflicting pain and soothing it. That lack of ability to control himself scares him. I think that is a lot of what is implied by the empty look ilya has after shane leaves.
He asks shane What do You Need after a whole night (and 6 months before that) of denying shane, treating him coldly and harshly, embarrassing him and making shane repeatedly embarrass himself, hes giving shane no reason to trust that in ilyas hands he would receive Anything Good. Shown shane that he Cant be trusted for Good feelings. Gives shane an opportunity to finally get what he wants . and shane still says I need You (just you. I dont want anything else but this. Whatever you want to give me I will always take it). Like that line is one of the most significant in the show to me!!!!!!!!!!! He has complete trust in ilyas decisions for him complete trust that ilya's control + cruelty + anger isnt a poison... Ilya doesnt even try to hold back anymore Lets himself have his way with shane and feels disgusted by his own lack of control + exerts it over shane afterwards by denying them both the relief of soothing the ache. but i think being confronted with that idea that there Is nothing he can do to scare shane off is a kind of security in his control that Makes the montage such a happy period for them. I think that was the moment that made Ilya realize his connection with shane was secure :)))))) thank u for this sm omgggggggg so fun
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