DISTORTION 101

I’ve always had unrealistic and huge ambitions, and I’m proud to say that I have accomplished many of my goals. Not always the way or to the extent that I wanted to, but I can’t complain. I fucking did it. Sometimes I can't really point my finger on how I did it or how I overcame my fears while doing it. Maybe it was just knowing I could do it, or being in denial about why I couldn’t. Either way, something has always kept me going and pushing and fighting. It’s in my blood and soul and existence, but I do wish at times I could live on a farm with cows and tomatoes and be just fine with it.

Why do I always have to have the most complicated ideas? Why do I always have to go after something impossible? Why can’t I just live and dream in a world with no worries, no stress, and no deadlines? A world where I’m not constantly chasing something. A world outside of the rat race. A world without fear of failure or disappointment. I’m sure you feel the same sometimes.

But hey, let’s talk about fear. Fear is a strong emotion. Fear is strong and powerful, and most of the time it overcomes any other emotions we have. Fear can paralyze you, shut you off, and prevent you from living your dreams.

I get many emails asking if I have experienced fear before a photoshoot. It’s one of the most common questions I get, and though this question comes in many shapes and forms, the bottom line is always the same: How do you deal with fear?

The answer is to that is yes, or more like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? I have countless fears all the time, of many kinds! I have a glorious range of fears before a photoshoot. Always have and probably always will. No matter how many shoots I have done, the fear is always there. Yes, it has gotten better over the years. I no longer wanna kill myself or vomit the night before (and right before and during) the shoot. But I will certainly always have fear to some extent. Sometimes I feel more uncomfortable and scared, and sometimes less, but it’s rare that I don’t feel any kind of fear or doubt.

And I have to say that in a weird way, I’m thankful for these fears, because I believe they mean that I care dearly about what I do. When you don’t care about something, you don’t get nervous, you don’t really sweat it. Fear makes me not take things for granted. Fear keeps me intact. Fear ensures that I’m where I should be.  

So how do I deal with it? Here are few things I do to handle fear better. And I’m talking mostly photography here as that is my personal experience, but I do think most of these ideas would apply to fear in general. Take a deep breath and here we go:

Acknowledge fear as a natural thing. It is okay to be afraid and nervous. Seriously, IT IS.

Most the time, I feel we are afraid of fear itself. Fear is something we can’t really control, and it makes us doubt ourselves. And we don’t like doubting ourselves. I believe that we like to be best at what we do and the thought of not being the best makes us nervous. For example, in documentary photography, there are lots of things that can happen unexpectedly. Or perhaps it’s the unpredictable lights on stage at a live show, or our subject being nervous or uncomfortable during a portrait shoot. There are  so many things that can make us doubt our skills and ourselves. But feeling nervous is OKAY. When I get nervous, I don’t even try to fight it anymore. I accept it. I just let it be. I don’t try to push thoughts aside or make them go away. I sit with my fear.

I do, however, try not to show it, as I don’t want my subjects to smell my fear and feel even more uncomfortable. But I don’t try to fight it too much. It’s not gonna help. Fear always wins. And you know the old saying: if you can't beat it, join it. That’s why fear is now my best friend.

Talk about it

After you’ve acknowledged your fear and decide to coexist with it, TALK ABOUT IT. Talk to those you trust and feel you can open up to. It could be your partner, your mother, your close friends, the deli guy, or your cat. Spit it out now. Tell them about your next assignment, the journey you’re about to have, why and what you’re afraid of. Speaking things out loud can really help you out! When it's all in your head it can sometimes seem bigger or worse than it is.

Also, these people (it won’t work if you’re talking to your pet) might have great advice for you or remind you that you’re pretty terrific. Sometimes it's nice to hear that about yourself from someone who knows you well. Don’t be afraid to admit your fears. We all have them! Even the deli guy. Seriously!

Knowing what you’re doing can really help (but don’t overthink it)

I don’t like preparing for a shoot too much as I love the spontaneity and getting inspired in the moment, but I do think that some preparation is helpful. Even at a live show, I usually don’t like to know too much of what's gonna happen on stage as I love the surprise element of it all. I think that overpreparing can kill the natural creativity that I love so much. With that said, when it’s a big show or production, I do look at videos or ask friends who have photographed or seen the show for tips. Those tips will be stuff like, how high was the stage, how were the lights, is there a lot of movement on stage? It’s more like guiding points than actual planning. That way I can get the feel of it, know what to expect, and be more at ease without it being totally predictable. While it gives me a sense of comfort to know what I’m in for, I still leave plenty of room for surprise.

So yeah, knowing the sound or music of the musician you're about to shoot or how they look, knowing the style of show, or style of clothing, can really help sometimes, but I would not recommend getting too concerned. Leave some room for fun and excitement. It’s a really important part of photography, and part of life in general I  believe.

Pamper yourself with kindness

I’m not the most relaxed person in the world. I would even call myself an extremely hyper person. I can drive myself insane with my thoughts alone. This is why the night before an important shoot, I like to be extra generous and kind to myself. Sometimes I’ll do some online shopping (that might not be the cheapest way to relax), and buy myself a little present just to say “you’re the best and you deserve it.” I’m not saying go buy yourself a Prada bag everytime you feel fear or have doubts, but it's more like acknowledging your hard work. Pamper yourself! You deserve it. It can be a massage, an exercise class, bubble bath, a nice date—anything that will make you feel more relaxed and rewarded.

It’s not about money, it's about valuing who you are. Look at things you've done that you’re proud of. Previous work you’ve done that you’re happy with, go over your photography archives. Be kind to yourself. Kindness can really help your confidence and dealing with your doubts. The more confident you are,the less your fear will be present in those stressful moments. With that said, don’t go to the other extreme and let your ego take over. Stay humble. Valuing yourself doesn't mean being an asshole. It’s all about balance in life, but that’s a different and possibly a whole new blog post...

Don’t be afraid to experiment and take chances

Yes, it’s important to try and be the best at what we do. But in order to become good, we need to experiment and practice as much as we can. Many times people quit something because they don’t feel like they are any good, or don’t have the patience to become good. Becoming good takes time and I can't state it enough. Even to those lucky ones who are naturally talented, being really good at something takes experience. There is nothing you can do to expedite that.

Be hungry for knowledge, be patient, ask for help, listen to those who offer their help. Thinking you know it all and having an attitude will not get you far. Trust me on this. There is always room to learn more. So experiment! Nobody ever became successful by being safe, and no good story ever started with a salad. Take a chance on yourself. Failing is a part of getting good. Don’t be afraid to fail. And when you do, learn from it. Get back up on your feet and use the what you’ve learned in your next experience. Who knows, it might make a good story you’ll be able to tell for years to come.

Trust yourself

Knowing your shit can be very helpful, but trusting yourself is probably the most important thing of all. Don’t give up. Even on the darkest of darkest days. Giving up is not an option, it’s just the easy way out.  

I was lucky enough to have supportive parents who helped me get back up whenever I failed and inspired me to never give up. I know that's not the case for everyone, but keep on trying even if things didn't work this time around. Next time, or the time after that, or the time after that, they will. Don’t let it bring you down or feel like you’re good enough right now—you can become great at whatever you set your mind to. I truly believe that. It might take time and practice, but you will become good at it. Even in times of self-doubt, trust yourself. Trust yourself; you can do it! There is no reason why you can’t, always think of the fact it could have been worse and give yourself kudos for even trying. I would rather fail a million times than not to try at all. Yes, it's not a great a feeling to be disappointed, but so fucking what??? I’m not the first to say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You’re still alive? Great! That alone is a reason to celebrate!

Clear your head, organize your life

I’m not the most organized person, but I find that organizing my life and environment makes me feel better and stress less. It might sound like this is something unrelated to fear, but trust me my friends: cluttered head,cluttered life. Having your head and life organized can eliminate fear or at least make it more bearable. I believe that when we are more together, we feel more in control and experience less paranoia. There’s also something really comforting about organizing things and knowing where you’re going with your life and goals. So organize your closets, write down your goals, come up with plans and ideas, make mood boards. You don’t have to have your whole life planned, but ask yourself what it is you want to do, where do you want to be? Knowing what you want can really help you get it, and making a basic plan can help even more.

I also find that loving your personal space is really important. Whether you have a small room or a huge house, feeling organized and happy in your personal territory can do wonders. Redecorating your space can also help with self-motivation in other areas.  

Girl you gotta have fun no matter what you do (guys too, I just love this song)   

To me, there is no point of doing anything unless you can enjoy it along the way, or at least be rewarded for it at the end of the journey. I’m not saying life is all rainbows and unicorns, but in general, let's keep it positive, shall we? A good attitude and good karma can really upgrade your game. No one likes a Debbie Downer. People like being around good energy and other people that motivate them. “ I get so inspired and revived by your whiny complaints,” said no one EVER. Surround yourself with positive people who can lift you up instead of bringing you down. In times of doubt, the last thing you need is someone to bring you even lower or add more stress and insecurity. It took me a long time to realize that being loyal to people who were not supportive or who didn’t treat me well have done the most damage to my life. We all have bad days, but let’s avoid those who have a bad day, every day.

Never forget why you do what you do, or started doing what you do in the first place. That passion, that love, that fire. Keep it going.

My journey has been exhausting and frustrating times but I never forgot to pause for a minute, take it all in, and enjoy myself and my progress. If you’re not enjoying it, maybe it's time to stop and ask yourself, am I in the right place? Am I doing the right things to achieve my goals? Are my earlier dreams the same dreams and desires I have now? Just like being in a bad relationship, too used to it or too afraid to leave, getting stuck in your path or career can be similar. Life is too short to spend it on things that cause us more agony than anything else.

Not giving up on your dreams doesn't mean you can’t change directions or decide that maybe this is simply not for you. While I don't suggest you take the easy way out and give up, I also recommend to make sure you’re still fighting for something you love, or something you want to be a part of. Things change, you change, the world changes all the time.

I must say that I have enjoyed every moment of my career journey, and I’m still not even halfway to where I want to be. I can’t control everything, but I strive to be the best at what I do and I work very hard to accomplish my dreams. And I never forget to enjoy the journey. It can be hard at times and I just wanna hide under a rock or not get out of bed in the morning, but those moments of pride, being published, getting people inspired, meeting new friends along the way—those things make it worth it all. Don’t forget to have fun on your journey! Kick out that fear by showing it you’re not afraid of it!

Just fucking do it!!!

You all know my that’s my main motto.  

Fear is not going away. Fear will always be there and fear means you care, so instead of trying to beat it or hide from it, have it join your party! Make fear your best friend. Take it in, take it out, make it your journey buddy. Don’t let fear control you;learn how to work with your fear.

In loving memory of Mikio Fujioka

It’s a fact that life expectancy keeps going up with every century, yet I feel like all I hear about lately is death.

Is it the numerous deaths of famous people in recent years, or the fact that social media makes death and its exposure more relevant or visible to us? I’m not sure exactly what it is, but there is not one day I don’t wake up to a post about someone who died.

Death is a scary thing, at least for me it is. I don’t get people who claim they’re not afraid of it. I don’t know if I believe them or if I’m totally jealous of them. No matter what, death is not something that is easy to talk about.

There is a huge taboo around the topic of death in conversation. I always feel that if I talk too much about death, I will die young, but it's mostly the unknown about death that makes it so unpleasant. We never know what’s gonna happen, or who’s gonna go next, and nobody really knows what happens after we die.  

Why are some taken at an early age? Why do some get to live longer? Who decides when it's time for you to go? Is there anything you can do to prevent (or rush) your due date?

We all think about these things.

As a teenager, I was obsessed with death. Death constantly occupied my mind as it seemed to always be around me. I have experienced a lot of death in my life, starting at a very young age. Some people I knew killed themselves, some died in weird accidents, some died from drugs, and one good friend died right in front of me in a tragic accident. Death was always there. Hard, surprising, scary, and misunderstood.   

I never got people who chose to kill themselves, I was even upset with them sometimes. They say that people who choose to kill themselves are people who feel pain they cannot tolerate anymore. The more I grew up, the more forgiving I became to those people who chose that path. The honest truth is that we can never know what goes on in someone’s head. We don’t really know what someone else feels. It took me a long time to figure out that just because I’m strong doesn't mean others are too. Just because I can tolerate a lot of pain doesn’t mean that others can. We all have different inner lives, and all I can do is to somehow try to offer support, inspiration, and strength to others by spreading this toughness I have, or offer other ways to deal with worries, pain, and insecurities. That's why I decided to be more public, which is something that doesn't come naturally to me. I’m hoping that by putting my work and words and positivity out there, it might help someone out there to be more optimistic and strong as well.

Look, death is a part of life. And death makes me appreciate life even more. Death reminds me that life is short, even when you get to live a long life. I know there are all kinds of problems in the world, and we don’t all share the same ones. Some have more financial problems than others, some have health issues, some have lots of unfortunate things happening in their lives they have no control over. Everybody has difficulties and problems, but I’m trying offer some relief or some positivity to hang on to in times of need. Positivity can get us through a lot of things. Hey, we are still here, so why not make the best of it?

If you have lost someone you love, try to remember the good times. The goodness and happiness they brought into your life. Memories are something no one can take away from you. I still write letters to people I’ve lost. I like to keep those I love a part of my life, even if they are no longer physically with me.

I sometimes talk to people I’ve lost. They don’t always answer, but sometimes in a weird way I can hear their advice or words of comfort. It helps me through my hard times, or when I miss them most. I try not to ask why, but it helps to remember why I loved them (and still do). Love is stronger than death.

I also find great comfort in music and listening to music I love. God (and most my friends and family) knows that if it wasn't for John, Paul, Ringo and George, I probably wouldn’t even be here today. I’m grateful for the musicians who lived and died and left so much for us to appreciate, and for those who are still here to produce notes of joy for us to hear in times of need. Good times, sad times, and times we need a reason (or a million reasons) to be more hopeful. Music is everlasting.

Music and love is what brings us together. Music and love helps us feel more together when we feel alone.  

We lost many great and important musicians in 2017. Chuck Berry, Fats Domino, Chester Bennington, J. Geils, Chris Cornell, Gregg Allman, Malcolm Young, Tom Petty, and my dear friend and colleague, Mikio Fujioka, to name a few.

To them I say thanks for bringing your music into our lives, and for giving us that feeling of togetherness and hope. For guiding us through tough times with your songs. This world would not be the same without you.

Dear friends, family, loved ones, and anyone reading this: Listen to a lot of music, love the ones you’re with, don’t give up on love, and don’t give up on yourselves.

Have a great 2018, everybody!  

XXX

Love, love, love

Love, love, love

Me and my friend were walking

In the cold light of morning

Tears may blind the eyes, but the soul is not deceived

In this world even winter ain't what it seems

Here come the blue skies, here come the springtime

When the rivers run high and the tears run dry

When everything that dies shall rise

Love, love, love is stronger than death

Love, love, love is stronger than death

In our lives we hunger for those we cannot touch

All the thoughts unuttered and all the feelings unexpressed

Play upon our hearts like the mist upon our breath

But awoke by grief, our spirits speak

How could you believe that the life within the seed

That grew arms that reached, and a heart that beat

And lips that smiled, and eyes that cried could ever die?

Here come the blue skies, here come the springtime

When the rivers run high and the tears run dry

When everything that dies shall rise

Love, love, love is stronger than death

Love, love, love is stronger than death

Love, love, love is stronger than death

Love, love, love is stronger than death

Shall rise

Shall rise

Shall rise

I was a horrible student my entire youth and teen years. I refused to sit in a classroom or even attend class most of the time. I was rude to my teachers, restless in class, and I just didn't want to be there. By the time I was twelve, I got kicked out of my first school (for bad behavior—what else?). By fifteen, I was kicked out of the second.

It wasn't that I didn't want to learn; quite the opposite, I was a very curious kid. But I couldn't deal with the dictatorial system by which the school operated. Though I do understand why the world and especially kids need discipline, for me, it was just too much to take. All I wanted to do was go home, listen to music, and escape into the world inside my head. Or hang out with my friends. I didn’t want to be forced to do what I didn't want to do, or to be told what I needed, or how I should think, and I definitely did not want be graded for being smart or stupid.

School was a joke to me; I didn’t want anything to do with it. Many times I begged my parents to let me drop out of school, but my dad said, Dana, we don't ask you for much, we let you be who you are and most of the time we let you do what you want, but please, for mom and I, just finish school.

As a kid I don't remember ever complaining to my parents about being bored. There was a full, rich world that existed in my head, and I was often confused of what was fantasy and what was reality. In my early youth, I used to tell the kids in my class stories about stuff that never really happened. The stuff in my head maybe didn't happen, but I believed it did. I really wanted those wonderful stories to be true. Kids in class just thought I was a liar. I wasn't a liar, I just preferred to live in a better place where no one could hurt me, a world where I could fly instead of walk, a world where Barbie dolls were real humans and became your best friend. A world where the music was free (yes, that sort of turned true with the birth of broadband and Spotify). A world where I didn't have to sit in a classroom with thirty other kids who smelled bad or made annoying noises. A world where I wasn't being forced to listen to hours and hours of boring lectures.

I was very against the educational system, to say the least. The fact that I had to listen to one person, whether I agreed with them or not, and do what they told me, just didn't sit well with me.

As a consequence, I failed most classes except the creative ones (shocker). I was miserably sent home time after time, or had to deal with the principal calling my parents saying that if I didn’t change my attitude, I would no longer be permitted to come back to school. Which was exactly what I wanted (my parents however, not so much...). Failure is what I succeeded at when it came to school.

After being professionally diagnosed with severe ADD (they finally found a medical name for being a punk), I was sent to a special school. A school with other kids like me. Kids who wanted to listen to music and make things and explore the world on their own, in their own way.

My parents were always good to me—they just got me. I have always felt like they’re proud that I was different. They saw a little bit of them in me. They gave me freedom, they let me dye my hair crazy colors and wear red fluffy coats (even my fashion sense was a head of its time). They let me go to music clubs and listen to my favorite bands and travel to music festivals even though they knew the kids there were much older than me. They trusted me, and let me fail. I believe that's a huge reason why I trust myself so much to this very day. Even if I'm not confident about my path, I keep going, knowing that everything will be okay. I will make it okay.

As I grew up, I learned how to separate my dream world from the real world. But I never stopped escaping to that world inside my head. I realized that people could not go in there and see what I see, even if I tried to explain it to them. Eventually, I learned how to bring that world from inside my head to the outside world and share it with whomever wanted to listen. Whether it was through my photography, my writing, or starting my own clothing line, I realized that the options are endless.

I don't always share my inner world with others. Sometimes I go there by myself, through music, films, crafting, editing photos in my studio for hours and hours, or designing clothes. But I do spend a great deal of my head time learning new things.

It turns out the kid who never liked to study is now wanting to learn new things all the time. I take classes, watch hours and hours of tutorials on pretty much everything, and read books. I do it at my own pace, with no one telling me what or how to learn, or yelling at me that I’m a failure. And I couldn’t be more grateful. l realize I am very lucky to live in an era where information is available so easily and mostly for free.

People always ask me which photography school I went to. Well, I didn't go to photography school. When I realized that's what my passion was, I grabbed the camera I had (not a very good one), and just started taking photos. Though I came from a film background, photography was a whole new fascinating and complicated world I knew nothing about. It wasn't easy for me. I wanted to be great at it right away. But time has taught me that the cliché “easy come, easy go” is relevant to most things in our lives. I was hungry to learn about photography, and I gave it my all. And when I say my all, I mean MY ALL.

For nine years, music photography was my entire world. No matter how sick I felt, or how unmotivated I was, I shot 4-6 shows a week. Sometimes more, sometimes two shows a night. I shot 10-15 festivals a year, I traveled and toured and didn't stop for anything or anyone. Music photography was my heart and soul, and I learned in nine years what I wasn’t able to in thirty. I met some incredible people along the way, and I created an archive of photos that I couldn’t be more proud of. I had bad days and good days, energetic days and nights of no sleep. I worked hard, yet still got turned down by lots of people.

Getting turned down or not feeling successful or loved is never a good feeling, but I always think to myself what would've happened if I didn't keep on going. If I didn't trust myself, face my failures, and just keep my engine running over the tough roads. Where would I be now If I didn't keep on taking blank shots on my camera over and over and OVER again until I finally learned to get it right. There were many sleepless, panic-filled nights before shooting bands I really loved when I still wasn’t sure what I was doing. I just kept pushing through all the doubt with more and more hard work.

With practice, motivation, and patience, and yes, failure, I can now say with a big smile that the camera is my bitch. I know how to work it and get exactly what I want from it. Now that I can work the damn thing, I can let my inner creativity really shine and come out. I can explore and create new things without worry. I can try out new photography tricks, and I try new things a lot. Even with a limited amount of space and time, I now just really enjoy being a photographer. I have the confidence that comes with time and practice.

I never was taught how to edit photos; I taught myself. Slowly I learned Photoshop, then Lightroom. I trusted myself along the way as I developed my own look, feel, and style. A style I knew was mine. I don't believe in photography editing plug-ins. If I see another photographer using the “retro haze” pre-made plug-in, or a photographer overusing that celerity button without caring that it makes 20 year-olds look like they're 80, I will scream. Photography editing software plug-ins are meant for novice or hobby photographers. Professional photographers using plug-ins are being lazy—period. Plug-ins are for people who don't trust their own skills and don't believe they can be true artists. Just as a photographer would never let someone else take a photo for them, why would they let someone else edit their photos?? Taking photos is only 50 percent of being a photographer. Editing and styling is probably the bulk of the work for most photographers.

I guess what I’m saying is that I feel like some people are afraid of being who they are. Being afraid of failure is one thing, but if it wasn't for our failures, how would we become who we are?

Failure should push one to work harder. And I believe in hard work more than I believe in most things in this world. Working hard comes naturally to me, but it’s also my motto and my true way of life. Learning, getting better, being truly proud of yourself without having to rely on someone else's opinion can absolutely protect you against failure. When I feel like I failed at something, I get sad and hard on myself and take a moment to process that feeling, but then I jump right back in and move on to the next adventure….taking what I've learned from my mistakes with me along for the ride.

I always try to be honest about my failures and mistakes. Lying to myself about it is useless. I know deep inside when I did good or not. I strive to learn, I strive to get better. I strive to never give up on myself.

We can be great at whatever we put our minds to. I truly believe that. If we stop caring so much about what other people tell us to do, or how we should be, greatness can happen. If we stay focused on things we love and stop wasting time on things we hate, that’s our chance at greatness. And if we don't reach that highest peak, it doesn't mean that we failed. It just means that maybe it’s time to take a different path or a different turn.

I think that we don't always need to find the way. We sometimes need to let the way find us.

All we’ve got to do is let go, look, and listen.

So after running around for nine years giving photography everything I had, I have now decided to shift my energy to making things I love. I'm not saying I'm totally quitting, as I'm not a quitter. I also don't believe in making dramatic statements of finality. After all, music photography is and always will be my biggest passion other than music itself. But it's time for me to slow down, and and I've been shifting my focus to other things that make me happy.

I decided to open my own business, creating my own brand. It's called Distortion Unplugged, and it’s a tribute to things I love. It's inspired by music, photography, song lyrics, written words, quotes, visuals, and even films.

I'm truly in love with every single piece that I make. I’m proud of it and proud of myself. I'm proud that I never shut down the ideas and passions I had always welcomed, in spite of mistakes along the way. I never stopped encouraging myself to keep going, even in the hardest times where I felt I failed or felt unattractive or unsuccessful. I'm proud that I made myself be honest about how I felt and said what I wanted to say even when it wasn't always right. Even when no one was listening. Even if I wasn't good enough (yet) at what I was doing.

LDC SOUNDSYSTEM SHOT BY DANA DISTORTION FOR BROOKLYNVEGAN

It took me a long time to realize what my real problem was with LCD Soundsystem, but after many years of trying to photograph them and see them live, I finally did.

Yes, in 2011 LCD Soundsystem dramatically announced their break-up, to be followed by a goodbye show at Madison Square Garden. I stood in line at 5 a.m. in the freezing cold for hours just trying to get tickets to this goodbye show. Yes, I loved them that much. Yes, it was just the beginning of my music photography career and I couldn’t score free tickets for that show. Yes, I had never seen LCD Soundsystem before, and now, this would be my very last chance to do so.

Well......now we all know that wasn't really the case. But back then, at 5 a.m. dancing to someone’s boombox on a cold February morning blasting LCD Soundsystem just trying not to freeze to death, we didn't know that at all. Here's a video from that frigid morning if you don't believe me!

VIDEO SHOT FEBRUARY 11TH 201. MORE VIDEOS fROM THAT DAY HERE 

The love of music kept us going in the biting cold, waiting and waiting for our chance to buy a ticket. And that same love turned into incredible anger once I finally got to the front of the line, only to be shockingly cut off and told the show had sold out. Even after everyone in line had already been counted hours before and promised to get tickets. Did I mention how cold it was???

Most people buy their tickets online and wouldn't put themselves through something crazy like that to go see an artist they love. But my fellow superfans will sympathize, as they know how hurtful, disappointing, and even devastating it can be to be unable to get tickets to a show you really want to see.

I went home in tears. My body took some time to get back to a normal temperature, and of course, this was followed by a whole week when I was sick as a dog. I know it was my choice to do this, but allowing fans to stand out in the cold (without even scoring a ticket) is simply a cruel move I will never understand. Do bands try to test their fans? What is this about? Why are tickets to shows with high demand sold physically nowadays, when there is the internet? Especially on such a cold day, and it was a work day for many.

I don't know if I need to remind anyone what happened next, but that show I was so desperate to get into was now not only NOT LCD Soundsystem’s final show, it was merely one of a whole bunch of goodbye shows. Actually, a ridiculous number of goodbye shows. Calling them “goodbye shows” became really crass at some point. Seriously.

Those added “goodbye” shows might have been great news for most LCD Soundsystem fans, but for someone who stood on that cold line all morning and was not able to even get a ticket, it wasn’t even bittersweet news. It was simply bitter.

I did eventually get a ticket to one of those first “goodbye” shows on Ticketmaster, but ended up giving it to a friend. There was something in me that just couldn't go to that show. After all that, I just didn’t want to go. I felt betrayed. I felt like I was lied to. I felt like this whole “goodbye” thing was a joke, a scam, a calculated, wrong move toward us true fans. Maybe it wasn't thought out too much, maybe no one in the band’s world realized what had happened that morning. Either way, I wanted nothing to do with that LCD Soundsystem anymore.

And to make things even worse, not too long after, we all discovered I was right. After that dramatic multi-show break-up, a documentary film, and an almost comic explanation letter from James Murphy, less than four years later, LCD Soundsystem was back. And not only they were back, they were back big time. That show was certainly not the band's last, as LCD Soundsystem play at least a seven-show run every time they play nowadays, and let me tell you, they sure play often now.

I was seriously embittered about this whole charade for a long time. Every time the name of the band would come up I would start bashing them, saying I would never take photos or see them live ever again.

Well, I don't know what happened, but one day I realized I don't wanna punish LCD Soundsystem anymore. I also knew that I was really only punishing myself, as they don't know or care about my feelings. Yes, the music won. I let the music win.

My real problem with LCD Soundsystem that I finally realized is that I don't get James Murphy. I don't understand why he acts the way he does. Is he an asshole? Does he not care about his fans? Is he just a confused human being? Is he on heavy drugs?

So I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot over the past few months. Forgiveness and kindness are things I've been trying to work on for a big part of my life. It has become really important to me to try to not take things so personally. To not act from my ego, or to take something to heart that has absolutely nothing to do with me.

I have realized it's more important to be a good person to others—and mostly to myself—than to spend hours asking myself why was this done to me, why did this happen, what did I do to deserve this, why did this guy break my heart?

Yes, we all get hurt, and all the time. I don’t think anyone should act like a robot, or even worse, be in denial about one's true emotions. That can lead to even worse things! But I do truly believe we have the power to decide or control how we respond to the events that happen in our lives, or to which extent we react, and on how long we linger over the pain we feel.

If someone doesn’t want to be with me, I don't ask myself 'what is wrong with me?' I simply say, “It could be that I don't fire that man's guns, maybe there’s no chemistry, maybe he's not emotionally available, maybe he's still hung up on someone else, maybe I'm just not the right person or what he's looking for.” There could be a million reasons. But the bottom line is that if he doesn't want to be with me, there is nothing wrong with that. Someone else will. Sometimes we like someone more than they like us, and sometimes it’s the reverse.

I also understand that not everyone has to like me. We live in an era where popularity seems to be the most important characteristic. Why are we on a constant chase to be loved and liked? Love is a basic need, but why do we ask for the love or approval of strangers or people we might not even know? Many people don't like me or don't understand me. Some will say I'm the nicest person and some will say I'm a bitch, but you know what? It really depends on which day you meet me. I allow myself to be myself. This will never change. I don't care how many people like me, I will still stand my ground and be true to who I am. I do my best not offend or hurt anyone, but you know what, I can’t always please everyone. The truth is I don't really want to. I'm happy to have great relationships in my life, and I’d rather focus on that.

People get hurt, it’s just a part of life. Learning to move forward is the key. I don't know about you, but I choose happiness. I would rather forgive and not be bitter or feel unhappy or like a victim.

I like to take control over my life. I get hurt, I feel sad, and then I move on. Maybe sometimes it's hard to forgive right away, but working towards that is always the ultimate goal.

So yeah James Murphy, I don't get you. I don't get why you do what you do and the way you choose to do it, but I also realized this is not for me to understand. I don't want what happened years ago—or even now—to affect my love for your music. I have decided to move on from the past and just enjoy your work.

I forgive you LCD Soundsystem. I forgive you James Murphy.

Maybe you’ll decide tomorrow to break up the band again. Shit happens. If you do, however, I won’t be standing out in the cold in line trying to get tickets to your farewell show (or shows). Maybe because I'm older now, maybe because the fire is no longer there, maybe because I can probably score free tickets. No matter what happens, I'm glad I finally got my closure and got to see your band LCD Soundsystem live for the very first time last night. This time around, I didn't even have to stand in line to get in.

Dear Roger Waters,

Let me begin by telling you how much I adore you. How much I love your music. How much your band Pink Floyd means to me.

I've been a fan of your music since I was born, and Pink Floyd is still one of my favorite bands of all time. I've been a misfit my whole life, and I’ve always felt that Pink Floyd made music for people like me: people who don't fit. Your music was my shelter, a way for me to escape and to know that it's okay to be different. You sounded real and raw and unlike any other band. Because you were so different, your music made me feel safe. I used to listen to ‘Animals’ every night; it was my secret ritual. I’d listen to it on repeat every night before I had to wake up and get on the bus that would take me to school. Bus #24. I took that bus every morning, and would pray that I’d make it to school. I prayed that the bus wouldn't explode and that I would live to return home and listen to ‘Animals’ one more time before going to sleep. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dana Distortion, and I'm a music photographer based in New York. I went to Philadelphia in 2012 to shoot your show, and it was one of the best nights of my life. I can't even start to explain what that night meant for me. Oh yeah, I was born and raised in Israel. You refuse to perform in Israel. You make a point of calling other musicians to ask them not to perform there, either. I love your music Roger, but you seem to hate my home. But Israel is a country that has been nothing but supportive of you and your music. Because of politics, you won’t perform for the thousands of people who find joy and comfort in your music. Fans that have been loyal to you and your music for decades. I just wanna tell you that every single person I knew growing up was a Pink Floyd fan. We used to find so much inspiration and relief in your music. Your music is what gave us hope, believing that maybe the next day would be better. But now you have lost many of these loyal fans due to your political views and harsh statements. How can you disappoint so many people who have no hand in the political situation they are forced to live under? How can you turn music—something that is meant to bring people together—into a crass political statement? Not only that, you’re also reminding these people of the horrible reality they have to wake up to every single day. One they didn’t choose. By choosing to use your music to play politics, you’re slapping your Israeli fans in the face. I'm not going to do what you're doing Roger. I'm not gonna let your political statement make me hate you. I love you, I love your music, I always will. I will not let your political views change how I feel about your music. I was overjoyed to be assigned to shoot your show in New York the other night. I relived those crystal days of my youth as your amazing songs washed over me. I shot photos of you with the freedom I have because I live in the USA. But I am still an Israeli inside, and so I had a sense of unease about seeing you. I walked past protesters outside your show who shared my uncomfortable feelings. And I felt sad for photographers in Israel won’t have the opportunity to shoot your shows. I wish you could make that separation between politics and music. I wish you could let your music bring everyone together without taking sides. I wish you better appreciated your Israeli fans that have loved you for years. I wish you would not exclude them for decisions they had no say in making. But I will ignore all this for the love of music. I will not let you make me hate you for hating my country. Us and them, and after all we’re only ordinary men. Peace, Dana Distortion

(Self Portrait 2010)

My ex-boyfriend was an insanely jealous guy. He used to get crazy mad every time I’d post a photo on social media, saying “This is too sexy, this will make guys think you’re available, why do you need to post photos of yourself?” 

Those who know me well know I’m not a person who seeks approval or who sits around counting how many likes my photos get. But in recent years, I kinda started appreciating the importance behind capturing our own images of ourselves. 

I’m not a huge fan of the selfie era we live in; I’m not gonna lie about that. Every day I see countless selfies on my Instagram feed. Some are cute, some are funny, some are charmless or pointless or repetitive or just a bunch of people making a duck face in front of a lens. But let's face it, we all enjoy posting a selfie once in a while (or every five minutes), and there’s not really much harm in that. 

Personally, I prefer the other side of the camera. But other than the enjoyment of going down memory lane and remembering yourself in different phases of life, images of ourselves are evidence that we exist (or once existed). It’s proof we were once alive and here on this planet. I barely have any photos of me as a baby or a child, and I truly wish I had more of them. So today, I know I will one day wanna look back and remember what I used to look and feel like.

(Self Portrait 2017)

This whole train of thought started for me in 2013 when I watched a remarkable film called Finding Vivian Maier. It’s a documentary about a guy who finds a bunch of secret self-portraits of a nanny named Vivian Maier (who was an incredible photographer, by the way). While employed as a nanny, she would secretly take portraits of herself, along with thousands of other incredible street photos. The filmmaker follows clues to find out more about Vivian Maier and discovers through the story of her photos that she was an incredible person—so much more than just a nanny—and a truly unique photographer. The self-portraits she took were so magical, so artistic, so mysterious, and I loved that. I was mesmerized by her, the back story, and the whole film. I loved that he discovered so much about her from her images. The photos of her short life told the story she was not here to tell.  

After watching that film, taking self images didn’t seem so narcissistic anymore. It suddenly became to me like a new truth, a new way to document life. I feel like perhaps self-portraits are a thing we all should do. Maybe we don’t have to post them on social media so excessively, but we should take them and have them once in a while as we grow old. To tell our own stories.  

I am 37 years old. Three years before I move to the next zip code, I realize how much I’ve changed the way I see myself, through my own eyes. So far, the thirties have been my favorite decade. I’m not a child anymore, I’m not a wild teenager, I’ve learned a thing or two, and I established a career doing what I love: taking photos. 

Most importantly, I’ve learned to get along with myself. Even though I might not live the life of a typical 37 year-old woman (or even a typical person), I feel more grounded than ever, and I think it’s important to capture all that somehow. 

We as people like to reminisce about the past. I don’t know about you, but I’m not looking forward to getting old, and I already consider myself way older than I’d like to be. I think about getting old a lot. I know it's a part of life, and that we must acknowledge it and enjoy getting older gracefully, but still. My younger self hated my physical appearance for many reasons. I hated my nose (damn, I still do). I hated being short (now I laugh about it and carry a step stool everywhere and also, as an adult I travel a lot and really appreciate the extra leg room on a plane). I hated my freckles (now I think they’re cute). I always felt a little chubby (now I do SoulCycle five times a week). So many countless things only teenagers and twenty-somethings dwell and care about! 

It took me many many years to like myself the way I am, or at least make changes to the stuff I could and accept the things I can’t. I’ve learned the meaning of having self-respect and confidence, feeling a sense of self-worth, and never expecting anyone else to fill any of the voids. I also learned that you can’t truly love someone or appreciate someone if you don’t like yourself.

I’ve also learned to push away those who don’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated, which wasn’t easy for me. In my perfect world in my head, whomever enters my life should never leave. I don’t expect anything I don’t give back, but I also don’t think it's right to seek who we are in the eyes of others. To me, taking photos of myself is accepting who I am and loving who I am and that's why I'm trying to take more of them as the years go by. 

( Self Portrait 2006)

Now as I look at these photos of myself from past years, it reminds me how much I’ve grown and learned and lived my life to the fullest. No regrets. Those self-portraits are little reminders of how life truly goes so fast and we gotta cherish every moment of it. Total cliché I know, but hey, clichés are often true. 

There are still many things I don’t like about myself, but I’m at peace with who I am. It’s important to step back for a second from all the madness and distraction in the world, and take one tiny moment and appreciate who we are. Who we once were, who we became. Do we like ourselves? Is there anything we could do better? Do we spend enough time doing what we love? Are we good partners to the ones we share our lives with? Are we good children to our parents? Are we good friends? Do we care enough about those around us? Do we treat ourselves the way we deserve? 

And so I just bought myself a new Mac. And I’m here in a London hotel, listening to The Clash, typing all this on this glamorous shiny new toy I’ve been waiting so long to get. And I’m absolutely enjoying every second of using this fabulous new machine! Mostly, because I know I deserve it. I did good this year, I worked hard. And when I know I did good, I like to go out and get a nice present from me to myself. And even though it's nice to be loved, I don’t need a thousand Instagram likes, nor do I need a guy to promise me a diamond ring. I need to know that I, myself, think I did good.

So stop for a minute and appreciate your life and your story. Take a deep breath, pat yourself on the shoulder, and hey, maybe take a little selfie while you’re at it . . .