meh?

With each day that passes

When I miss you

I picture myself sleeping beside you

Snuggling near your shoulder

Because you are too tall.

My imagination is a good companion

Except,

I can't remember your scent

You and i are hard

And relationships have never been hard for me

And i have desired them less for being so.

Now when I lay here,

I anticipate the end with every argument that we have

My insecurities bubbling under the surface;

I, however, hold onto you and for some absurd reason you to me.

You sound frustrated and tired

Everytime I fail to express why i feel the way i feel

And i lay here counselling myself

Because that's what I have always done.

I mostly try and underplay the way i feel for you

Also, god! i wish i could somehow siphon,

A part of these feelings out

But they simmer away

A cauldron full of unease.

I cannot seem to trust

That u like me enough

To put up with all this crazy.

I need to be told evryday

That i am desired

to compensate

For my lack of self love.

Bt i tell you how i feel

Because that's what lovers do

And you my man

Let down my expectations

when u just simply acknowledge what i said.

I break a little and wait to not feel so much

But it never happens

And some part of me understands and some part of me doesnt

But despite

I repeat the cycle

Of counsel and of repair

Cause comfort is anywhere

I think I know what i like about you..

I like being with you.. I like the way you put your arm around me, i like the way you kiss me, I like the way you push my hair behind when you do, I like when you pull me close and even more when I'm sad and u put my head in that space between your neck and shoulder, I like when u scold when I dont think straight, I like those rare moments when I beat you and drive in but still miss the shot; i like your goofy socks, and i like the vampire tooth that creeps in when you smile a sachi wali smile and not the smirk that usually graces your face; i like how your thoughts are clear, how your opinions are clear but also how you still can't decide what u want at the food court it's a glimpse of how maybe you are just like the rest of us. I like daydreaming about making out with u and how thst makes my tummy tingle, and i like sipping on your coffee even tho i dont enjoy the taste thst much, i also like when u talk about fancy things its entertaining, it's soemthing i have done but never with the clarity u do, strangely that one of the things I like too; i like when I do things for u while u sit beside me even tho the same thing makes me furious when I do the work and u seem to chill, it is unfair how chill you are but its one of your best qualities and i guess it has not always been so easy to be this chill and i admire u more.

"you look healthy, you put on a bit of weight"

I thought when you loved someone it would feel effortless, but from what I have felt of love the effortless doesn't feel like love and the love doesn't feel effortless. I mean you have this guy who seems perfect but your skin doesn't crave him, when you are away your touch doesn't miss him; but this guy is familiar, he is comfortable, you can talk to him about anything and evrything and it would feel alright. This guy though is not the one you want, you want the other one. The other guy is uncomfortable, and tests all your insecurities, he makes you feel like a mess, and you cannot tell him how you feel because you are afraid thst the intensity of your thoughts for him and about him would scare him away. He doesn't know the dark thoughts in your brain, about the voices that whisper thst he isn't the one; but when he touches you it feels so right, when he holds your face to wipe away the tears you feel so secure, and when he kisses you, your inhibitions for a while go quite. You insecurities stop you from telling him how you feel and you are unsure if this would last, but you still sniff his pillow like a person on coke, and your heart still hopes it's his text when your phone tings. It feels so much like love but when your brain tries to comprehend it, it never sounds like love.