It's Me, Kevin

Today’s just fine—feeling good, feeling better. The last few days have been a mess. I have been having lots of anxiety attacks lately that are starting to be bothersome. I am fine; I am okay, but there’s just a part of me that is making me anxious, mostly about work. I am too anxious because I feel like if I don’t do well at what I do, I’ll lose my job. If I lose my job, then I’ll lose income. If I lose my income, then I’ll lose everything we have right now, and we'll get back to square one. I know that I should just trust the process, but the anxiety just keeps on kicking in, and there are times I no longer know how to stop it; it just keeps on bothering me.

There was a time in my life when I literally couldn’t control my anxiety to the point that I just wanted to end everything because it was just too much for me to handle. I don’t think I’ll experience that again because I now have my wife with me and am surrounded by good friends. Friends that I thought I didn’t have before, but when I left my family, that’s when I realized that I have friends. They have helped me a lot and have been there for me when I needed someone the most. I once thought my life revolved around my family, but now that I’ve come out of my box, I realize there are lots of people who care for me; I just refused to look at that side of the picture because I was too busy looking at another.

So recently, my wife urged me to schedule a psychological consultation because of my attacks lately. I’m quite anxious about it because I don’t know what to say or how to start. I have lots of mental issues going on right now, so I’m just lost, but that’s the main point of having a consultation, right? The psychologist would for sure guide me and lead me to the things I needed to talk about. So yeah, I’ll just let it happen when it happens.

Life lately has been so good to me. There are a lot of opportunities, good clients, and good pay, and I’m at least now capable of buying the things that I like. I recently purchased an iPad, an AirPod, accessories for my gadgets, and many more. These are the things that I haven’t been able to do before because I was too focused on providing for my family. And I was somehow told that before I buy something for myself, I must first consider my family. Before I have fun doing something, I must first think of my family. I was happy being like that, and I was, but it was just too much to the point that I lost myself. So right now, I’m just enjoying what I have because I know my wife and I worked for it and that we deserve it.

I was also able to get some advice from my wife and Tin, who both told me to just lessen my expectations and be thankful for the things that I have. I don’t want to go into details, but it’s something about work. It’s a good learning opportunity for me, too, because this experience taught me that there are battles worth fighting for and there are those that are not. We don’t have to be aggressive all the time; we have to choose our battles. I’m that kind of person who is always defensive, "game face on", and always ready to fight back, but now I’ve learned to always choose my peace. I’ve learned how to weigh the risks versus the benefits. So I hope this helps me improve my overall mental well-being.

I once dreamed of having a fairytale-like love story. The one I read in children’s books. The one analogous to the stories of Snow White and Prince Florian, Cinderella and Prince Charming, Belle and the Beast, Aladdin and Princess Jasmine. I wanted to become a knight in shining armor, a strong prince that could rule and protect the entire kingdom, someone who could traverse the whole universe just to find his princess. I wanted to be more than just a prince in a nice, expensive suit with a silver sword and golden shield, because I also wanted to own a castle for my princess to live in; I wanted to have a magic wand so that I could always make her wishes come true; I wanted to have a magic carpet so we could travel the world together. I wanted to own a magic lamp so I could use my three wishes in my princess’ favors. I wanted the best for her and I wanted to be the perfect man for her.

I once dreamed of having a 50 First Dates-like love story. I wanted to become the world’s most promising leading man with my leading lady by my side. I wanted to have the best scripts in the world that contain all the sweetest and cheesiest lines; words that could melt any woman's heart; rhymes that could captivate any woman’s attention and could also make her legs faint. I wanted to be as charismatic as Tom Cruise; as humorous as Adam Sandler; as handsome as Brad Pitt; and as awesome as Leonardo DiCaprio. I wanted to be like Jack, willing to sacrifice my life just for my Rose. I wanted to be like Noah, willing to wait for the love to grow back. I wanted to be anyone I can be just to make sure that my story has its happy ending.

I once thought that falling in love is as easy as playing a deck of cards. You just shuffle them, pick one, and see if you’ve drawn an A of heart. If not, then you just draw another card until luck plays along with you. I thought love is all about romance, sweet messages, kisses, hugs, promises, and lots of falling hearts. I thought love is that easy. I thought love always find its way for its own happy ending. I thought all it takes to be in love is to just dream. I thought it’s all about fancy dinners, expensive gifts, dancing under the moonlight. I was right until I experienced it.

I discovered that love always involves pain. I’ve learned that it’s not possible to fall in love without giving in to the pain. I wonder why the fairytales and romance movies never talked about this, or I guess they did, but the pain could be so painful that no words or scenes in a movie could exactly describe how painful it is. It never occurred to us because we were blinded by the idea that love is an ecstasy, an extreme state of happiness where no darkness could ever enter. But it was all wrong. If you’re ready to fall in love, then you should also be ready with the pain.

And so I fell. And I failed. I failed a lot of times. I’ve experienced a tremendous amount of pain till I can’t feel anything anymore. It made me numb. I gave up on the idea of fairytale-like love story. I gave up on the idea of being a leading man. I gave up on all my fantasies about love because I was wrong. It is not easy and it will never be easy. I am so afraid to get hurt, and I guess no one would ever be too ready to get hurt. I wish love is as easy as drawing cards, but it isn’t. Everytime you draw a card, it will give you lots of pain, regrets, miseries, darkness, loneliness, questions, etc.

It isn’t easy, but it’s always worth a leap. All my fears went to nothingness when I met her. She made me believe in love again. But this time, it’s different. I’ve learned that love will never be easy. Love can be as magical as Tangled, but it can also be as tragic as the Titanic. I’ve learned how to be matured. I’ve learned that love always comes with pain, but it’s okay, there’s no need to be afraid because it’s better to suffer from the fall than to suffer from not falling at all. She gave me hope. She made me feel like I have a magic carpet, and she took me to different places I’ve never been.

It turns out that she’s my genie! She fulfilled 3 of my wishes - to love, be loved, and be in love. I don’t need any magic wand because being with her is just enough to make every moment magical. She made me feel that I don’t need to become a prince because we’re King and Queen in our own kingdom. She helped me create a world where only the two of us exist. In our world, I am the King and she is my Queen. Our kingdom has no ruler other than God. Our kingdom is governed by the rules of God and we always abide by the rules of love. Our kingdom doesn’t have all the riches in the world, but we have us.

I don’t need to have huge muscles. I don’t need to have a red carpet-worthy tuxedo. With her, I don’t need to be anyone else, I just need to be myself. She never fails to make me feel that I am the most handsome man in the universe. Being with her, I feel that I can be as strong as Superman, as godly as Thor, and as intelligent as Batman. I may not have a sword and shield, but I can protect her, and I will protect her - at all cost. With her, I am just me. With her, I don’t need to dream of being in a movie scene where love only exists in front of the camera lens. With her, love continues to circulate even after the curtains close. With her, there’s no ending. With her, every ending is a beginning.

I’ve learned that all it takes to overcome all the obstacles and challenges of love is being with the right person. Someday, someone will come into your life to answer all your Whys. Someday, someone will make you realize why you have to get hurt a lot of times. Someday, someone will wipe away all the tears you shed. Someday, someone will ease all your sadness. Someday, someone will fill in all the emptiness in your heart, and they will replenish it with so much more. Just do not give up and continue working on yourself because for sure, someone will walk into your life to turn your life around. Just when you thought your hourglass is almost over, someone will turn it for you.

I am forever grateful to her for coming into my life just as exactly as when I needed her to come. I am forever grateful to God for finally giving her to me. I am thankful that I was able to go through the journey of finding her. I’m finally home. I’ve finally found the missing piece of my heart. The journey wasn’t easy, but it was worthwhile. I don’t need to become a prince to marry a princess because God has given me so much more… He has given me an angel, and we will explore the world together.

Maraming taong broken ang naghahanap ng repair. Akala nila sayo mekaniko na aayos sa wasak nilang buhay at puso. Ikaw naman 'tong si tanga na nagpapaka-superhero na willing sumalo sa mga pait ng buhay niya sa pag-aakalang pag nabuo mo sya, mapapasayo siya. Akala mo ikaw yung kakulangan sa buhay niya at naniniwala ka na baka ikaw na nga yung sagot sa mga panalangin niya. Sinabi na rin ba niya sa'yo na naghahanap siya ng taong pang-habangbubay tapos kinilig ka kasi akala mo ikaw yung pinaparinggan niya? Sinabi rin ba niya na balangaraw ay makikilala rin niya yung taong para talaga sa kanya tapos akala mo ikaw na yung taong 'yun? Nagawa mo na rin bang magdasal kay Bathala na sana siya na nga? At umabot ka na rin ba sa puntong nagpasalamat ka kasi sa wakas binigay na niya ang sagot sa iyong mga panalangin?

Makikilala mo sya ng wasak. Bubuoin mo sya. Sarap na sarap ka sa pakiramdam na napapsaya mo siya. Basta ngumiti lang sya, naka-ngiti na rin ang puso mo. Tutulungan mong gumaling yung mga sugat niya. Papayuhan mo siya ng kung ano-ano. Sobrang lugmok ng tiwala niya sa sarili pero iaangat mo 'to. Papasiyahin mo sya araw-araw at sasamahan mo siyang intaying bumalik ang tiwala niya sa sarili niya, sa mundo, at sa mga taong ginagalawan niya.

Tuturuan mo siyang mangarap, lumipad, at sumugal. Hahawakan mo ang mga kamay niya habang namamasyal sa mga alapaap. Yayakap siya sayo ng mahigpit at mangangako ka na simula sa araw na 'yun, di na siya mag-iisa. Pero naaalala mo ba kung nangako rin siya sa'yo?

Tuturuan mo sya kung pano humanap ng lakas para bumangon. Uunahin mo siya sa kahit saang aspeto ng buhay mo. Bago ikaw, siya muna. Ipaparamdam mo sa kanya na sa kanya lang umiikot ang mundo mo para hindi siya malungkot at hindi niya maisip na mag-isa siya. Uubusin mo ang sarili mo para ibigay sa kanya. Pareho niyong bubuoin yung sarili niya gamit yung mga pinilas mong parte mula sa sarili mo. Naisip mo ba nung mga panahong yun na magtira para sa'yo? Siyempre hindi kasi sabi niya pag okay na siya, ibabalik niya yung mga pirasong nawala at sabay niyong papalaguin ang isa't isa.

Ipaparamdam mo sa kanya na lagi kang andyan at tuturuan mo siyang kailanganin ka pero hindi mo napapansin na mas kinakailangan mo siya kesa sa kailangan ka niya. Masaya ka kasi masaya siya pero masaya ka nga ba talaga? Pero syempre hindi mo naisip na sagutin ang mga tanong na 'yan kasi naniniwala ka na papasayahin ka rin niya gaya ng pagpapasaya mo sa kanya.

Maiisip mo at magtataka ka kung bakit laging siya at kahit kailan ay hindi naging ikaw. Maiisip mo na bakit kahit kailan ay hindi naging tungkol sa'yo. Magtataka kung bakit kahit kailan ay hindi naging tungkol sa inyo. Puro sa kanya, walang sa'yo, walang inyo...siguro kasi wala namang kayo?

Kahit sabihin mong hindi ka humihingi ng kapalit, alam mo sa sarili mo na kailangan mo ng sukli. Para sa isang taong tulad mo na handang magbigay ng buo kahit di ka sigurado kung may pamalit, alam mo sa sarili mo na nag-iintay ka ng sukli. Na okay lang kahit barya basta may bumalik. Iniisip mo na may babalik pero bakit hanggang ngayon ika'y simot parin? Barya lang daw sa umaga pero halos matutulog na ang buwan, wala paring sukling bumabalik.

Bago ka matulog, aalalahanin mo yung mga ganda ng kanyang ngiti at ang mapangusap niyang mga mata na 'di mawala ang iyong titig. Maiisip mo na konting tiis pa, konting tiwala lang, ikaw naman at hindi puro siya. Hanggang sa isang araw, magtataka ka na lang kung bakit. Bakit okay na siya? Bakit kaya na niya nang wala ka? Bakit siya okay na pero ikaw parang hindi na? Bakit kaya na niya na wala ka pero ikaw hindi?

Magtataka ka na lang kung anong nangyari. Kukwestyonin mo ang mga akala mo na sa'yo lang umiikot ang mundo niya kasi ngayon ibang mundo ang pinili niyang maging parte ng bawat pag-ikot niya. Iisipin mo na akala ko ba hindi niya ko iiwang mag-isa pero maiisip mo rin na wala nga pala siyang sinabing di ka niya iiwan. Magtataka ka kasi akala mo masaya talaga siya pero bakit iba na ang nagpapasaya sa kanya?

Madadagdagan nanaman ang sandamakmak na mga bakit na uukit sa puso mong kahit anong gawing sungkit ay hindi masungkit ang mga sagot sa mga bakit. Matatanong mo ang sarili mo kung bakit ka niya biglang iniwan? Kung bakit hindi ka niya inabutan ng sukli? Bakit walang bumalik? Bakit noong buo na siya, hinayaan ka na lang niyang wasak? Bakit ang daya?

Umasa ka na iaalay niya ng buong buo yung puso niyang ikaw mismo ang bumuo pero pagmulat mo sa iba na pala sya nakadapo. Magtataka ka kung anong nangyari at saan ka nagkamali. Nakakapit ka sa pag-asang hindi niya kakayanin ng wala ka kasi mahina siya pero tinulungan mo siyang maging sobrang lakas hanggang sa hindi ka na niya kailangan pa. Tinuruan mo siyang maging depende sa'yo pero hindi mo namamalayan na 'yung sarili mo ang tinuruan mong dumepende sa kanya. Tinuruan mo siyang maging malakas at tumayo mag-isa pero ikaw ang iniwang mag-isa, mahina, at ni hindi makatayo ng maayos. Tinulungan mo siyang maging buo pero sino ang bubuo sa'yo?

Binuo mo siya para mapunta sa iba. Tinuruan mo siyang magmahal muli para matutunan niyang magmahal ng iba. Tinulungan mo siyang lumaya para lang mapadpad sa pugad ng iba. Masakit kasi yung taong hinahanda mong mahalin ka, naghahanda palang magmahal ng iba. 'Yung taong akala mong bubuo sa'yo, ibang mundo ang binuo. Binigay mo ang mga piraso ng sarili mo hanggang wala ng natira sa'yo at matatanong mo ang hangin kung bakit andoon ka noong kailangan ka niya pero ngayon bakit siya ang wala?

Hindi porket ikaw ang bumuo, mapapa-sa'yo.

Hindi lahat ng sa'yo, mananatiling sa'yo.

Hindi porket ikaw ang umayos, sa'yo na.

Bakit kahit magbigay ka, hindi ka nabibigyan pabalik? Bakit kahit magmahal ka, hindi ka minamahal pabalik? Bakit lagi nalang ikaw ang kailangang magbigay? Bakit ikaw ang kailangang umayos ng mga bagay na sira? Bakit ikaw ang nasira? Bakit nung bumitaw siya sa mga kadena ng pagdududa at pagkabigo, hindi kamay mo ang una niyang hinanap at hinawakan?

Pumikit at huminga ng malalim. Isipin na hindi trabaho ng mundo na ibalik lagi sa'yo ang lahat ng kaya mong ibigay sa kanya. Hindi mo maaaring pilitin ang mundo na mahalin ka kagaya ng pagmamahal mo sa kanya. Pero hindi ibig sabihin ay titigil ka nang magmahal. Maglabi ng para sa sarili para may pagkukuhanan ka ng lakas para bumangon at buoin muli ang sarili.

‪Tinapos nang hindi alam kung bakit. NakipagTAGU-TAGUAN sa sakit. Lumuha ang pusong MALAYA, ngunit hindi parin makawala sa mga bakit. Binitawan dahil tapos na at dahil ayaw na. Hindi malilimutan ang iyong ngiti nung ating HULING GABI. Tiniis ang bawat sakit, nagpasalamat sa bawat SAGLIT. Nagsimula sa pangako, nagwakas sa PAALAM, sa PATAWAD, PAALAM. Umayaw sa pag-ibig, wag nalang KUNDI RIN LANG IKAW. Mundo'y na-TORETE. Ilang beses tinanong kung ANONG NANGYARI SA ATING DALAWA. LANGIT AT LUPA ang pagitan at hindi na kita matanaw.

Nagtapos sa MALAYA, naiwang mag-isa, nakita ka sa TAGPUAN, at hindi na mag-iisa. IKAW ay andyan, AKO ay nandito. Haharapin ang mundo, IKAW AT AKO.

Pasok, Moira.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️