Please ignore this question if you wish, because it's very personal, but how did you find the confidence to transition? I would like to be a man, but I don't wish to be the kind of modern man I see all around me. I want to be an Edwardian dandy! But I am a curvy 5'5" woman. I don't even know how to stop thinking of myself as a woman, so how can I ask anyone else to?
Besides, I have no money, so T isn't really an option and I can't afford the clothes I would really like to wear. But ohhhhh how I would long to dress like you. The kind of man who looks English through and through, a slightly bumbling but deeply intelligent and kind-hearted man, quiet but passionate. I think of who I'd be as a man and I like that version of myself a lot.
I apologize if this is all too forward. I simply admire you greatly, and I wanted to reach out to you and see if you have any advice.
I found the confidence because I just sort of hit rock bottom and couldn't bear the thought of growing old as a woman. I wasn't actively suicidal, but I was so disconnected from participating in my own life, that I was just months away from being utterly destitute and homeless. So, despite being dead broke, I found a way to start HRT. There was no other option if I wanted a chance at survival.
Much of your confidence at first is, "fake it 'til you make it".
A lot will feel like a performance for a while. You will have old habits to change, even how you think of yourself: I have always had a strong male identity, but it took a while for me to use "man" as a term for myself; I always softened my identity with "dude" or "lil guy," stuff like that. You have to pull out the mental spray bottle and correct yourself when you're making pre-emptive compromises on your identity.
If you don't have the resources for anything yet, you can still explore your identity and give yourself permission to become the version of yourself you most like. Do this through role-play, writing stories and creating art, etc.
Cultivate gender envies who have physical traits like yours -- short men, curvy men, soft men.
Then, re-evaluate what changes you *do* have control over. A new haircut, perhaps. Ask your friends to use a new name or pronouns. Do a little thrifting for some new clothes, even if they're not exactly what you want. Consider what you can healthily change now about your body via exercise, posture, voice training, etc.
I did all these things -- remember, you're seeing me after 2 attempts at coming out (with a 13 year gap in between), and 16 years on HRT. Transition is a marathon, and a lot of those first steps are done internally. <3
