A Guide to Life

Well, readers. I’ve returned just in time for the new year with a review. Nothing sparks the creative juices like watching a film that both confused and entertained in equal measure. 

So Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Let’s talk about that. I had recently seen the second Jumanji film and was still in the frame of mind to handle yet another action/adventure instalment. It’s how I ended up back at the cinema and where the one millioneth Star Wars film comes in. 

As you’ve probably already guessed, i’m not a huge Star Wars nerd but i’m happy to watch another film in the series so without further ado, let’s get into it:

The Beginning

I won’t lie. It was a SLOW start in terms of reacquainting myself with the characters. There was a lot of deliberate exposition and it took a good 20 minutes for us to get things moving. I was so bored. Come on, Director/Scriptwriter(s), we know these people, they were in the last film doing similar resistance shit. I’m not that stupid. 

All the action

I think I know where all the budget went for this film: special effects. So many explosions, so much lightning, all that fire; it's a fanfare of lights and noise that would exacerbate anyone’s epilepsy. 

Also, whoever choreographed the fighting and lightsabre scenes did a top notch job. 

The uncertainty 

Like any film fan, i appreciate surprises. However, it was about 45 minutes in when i realised that i had no idea where the story was going. Rey and the gang needed to retrieve some mysterious puzzle/map thing from a desert. Then it turns out that they’re meant to be elsewhere; somehow Kylo Ren is communicating with Ren telepathically, he’s got problems, she’s got problems, she needs to go and do a thing on some hard-to-find planet alone and i… just… don’t know how we got to the end. How did it happen? Do you know, reader? Please, if you do, fill me in.

How the majority of the bad guys were English 

LOVE. IT. Nothing pleases me more than the Americans equating my accent with one of pure evil. Any actor who could speak in a voice that sounded like it had been cut with glass was hired for the Dark Side. 

The similarities between the actors

For my boyfriend anyway. He thought Richard E Grant was Christopher Walken. The latter isn’t even IN this film. I still can’t stop laughing about that. 

I mean:

They look nothing alike!

So not so much a criticism as an amusing sidebar. 

The unresolved questions

So, while most of the script seemed to fit together ok. I would have liked it more if Finn shared with us what he wanted to tell Rey because WE NEVER FOUND OUT. 

‘What did you want to tell her?’

‘Are we still on that’ replied Finn.

‘YES, WE ARE’ scream the audience in unison. Why bring it up if you aren’t going to share with the group? 

The final kiss scene was also weird. Was it obvious to everyone else that Rey and Ben/Kylo Ren liked each other? Did i miss that? I got more of a sibling/brotherly/sisterly vibe. Again, help me out. 

Clearly no-one on the Star Destroyer had ever been on holiday

Let’s unpick the wooden necklace scene shall we. Have you ever been on vacation to Greece, Spain or elsewhere on the continent? If so, you will know that wooden trinkets are commonplace. It seemed like such a stretch that Kylo Ren could work out where Rey was because of a necklace. However, this was resolved when the First Order generals revealed that they had a ‘wood expert’ on board their ship. Good use of resources everyone. Fantastic. 

A real twist would have been if a bunch of storm troopers showed up in Malaga, guns in hand to take down hoards of overly-bronzed tourists. 

Emperor Palpatine 

The bad man from the first set of films is back. You remember him, he kind-of mentored Darth Vader. Anyway, he’s returned and his reasons for being in this film are ludicrous. He has a load of cables plugged into him (again, no idea why) and he seems pretty frail. 

While Emperor Palpatine is mansplaining the plot to Rey, i wanted to yell ‘bitch, just unplug him’. But no, we had to hear why he’s still hanging around. 

In conclusion, i actually enjoyed this film. I know! You’d think after all of the above commentary that i’d hate it but I don't. Why? Because i’m just a fickle cinema-goer who takes an action film at face value. It kept me entertained, there was some comedy, I appreciated the diversity and am thoroughly thankful that this is the last we see of the resistance. For now.

This week the Fab 5 return and I, for one, am relieved.

It’s a tough world out there, people. Every time I go online or slyly read a newspaper over a fellow commuter’s shoulder, there seems to be nothing but bad news. In this day and age, it’s hard to maintain a sense of positivity with the onslaught of negative stuff happening in the world.

As a way to numb the horrors of life I, like many, turn to Netflix. It’s a real relief to relax, glass of wine in hand and watch TV when I’m feeling particularly cynical. And, in my humble opinion, there is nothing more soothing than the balm that is Queer Eye.

If you’re looking for a show that proves there are nice, good people out there who restore your faith in humanity then, friends, Queer Eye is the show for you.

It truly is a testament to the greatness of this series that you begin by watching 1 episode and then, before you know it, its 1am and you’re 2 series deep, lamenting with Tan over the state of some dude’s taste in loungewear.

If I’m honest, I was late to the game with Queer Eye. I didn’t understand the cult viewership. Why it’s important. The culture. The need for 5 wonderful people to show the world that everyone is worthy of help, love and appreciation. In essence, what the FUSS was all about. Having heard good things, I gave QE a shot and was an immediate convert. That’s right, I’m hear for the fab 5 and their wisdom.  

So here’s my guide as to why you should give Queer Eye a try:

The expertise

This is not amateur hour. Viewers are about to witness MAGIC HAPPEN. Prepare to watch in awe as Karamo, Tan, Antoni, Jonathan and Bobby transform lives and lift up those who cannot lift up themselves

  Karamo’s unshakable optimism

He’s been there, he’s done that and I’m pretty sure he may have seen it all. Karamo has this incredible ability to get through to the toughest and most fearful of individuals. When the phrase “let’s unpack that” is spoken, a meltdown/breakthrough is in the works. There may be tears, there may be anger but you will SEE RESULTS and Karamo will not stand for anything less.

Emotionally and mentally unload with the Sensei master himself.

Antoni’s uncontrollable need to sniff whatever ungodly food stuffs that are found in the fridge.

Never have I seen a man so intent on punishing himself with dubious contents he finds in the dark cavern of the fridge freezer. Antoni is a beautiful man but I worry that he may be a food sadist. Why must he do this to himself? To us? He sees something potentially revolting and compulsively tears off the lid to investigate further.

He inhales. We recoil. It’s entrancing. Also, his knowledge of avocados (as well as other foods) and how to prepare them is astonishing.

Bobby’s design skills

I’m forever wondering how long it takes for Bobby to renovate a space. He must be some sort of DIY God. How else can it be explained? I don’t think there’s been a single room he’s remodelled where I haven’t been impressed. Can you imagine it? To be born with that much taste.

A visionary!

  Jonathan’s confidence

If Jonathan hasn’t run his hands through a person’s beard/hair and claimed how obsessed with them he is, is it even a legit episode? There are too many wonderful things to list about Jonathan’s personality but I will say that he’s opened my eyes to the wonders of home-made facemasks, hair remedies and just general self-care tips.

Tan’s innovative approach to style

I struggle to think of many men who would boldly wear short sleeved patterned shirts cut down to the midriff but Tan is one of those men who is LIVING FASHION. It would be remiss of me to not acknowledge that the French tuck is a revolution gripping us all and if you disagree, you’re in denial.

Also props to Tan for rummaging through some poor soul’s closet only to find something both soiled AND hideous.

Bruley

Series one and two taught viewers many things but it wasn’t until series 3 that further treats were in store. I’m all for a French bulldog mascot called Bruley scuffling around the loft and begging for leftovers. He also just happens to have his own Instagram account and yes, I follow him.

  The queerness

I’m sorry but if you’re not on board with this magnificent queer train then you can skip on out of here! The fab 5 are doing their utmost to represent the community in the best possible way.

The post-event judgement

Once the make-over is complete, the object of the Fab 5’s work must overcome one last challenge: the significant event! Will they take Tan’s advice and wear the perfect outfit? Will the meal prep go to shit and make Antoni leap from the couch in despair? Will said person even BOTHER USING PRODUCT IN HIS/HER HAIR?

So many questions.

The feel-good factor

I find myself inadvertently squealing whenever I watch a person ‘transform’ into their best selves and let me assure you, I’m no natural squealer. This is feel-good TV at its finest and when you’ve got a show that actively promotes kindness, tolerance and acceptance then that’s the kind of series you want to keep watching.

Here to help you.

Lately, I’ve been getting back into mindful meditation. If you’re wondering what this is, it’s the practice of self-awareness. I do my best to listen to a guided meditation for 10 minutes each day and note any negative thoughts that float into my brain with compassion and a certain level of detachment. 

Now, I’ve experimented with different types of meditation over the years and I’ve found that the more often I meditate, the happier and calmer I am. It can be hard to maintain focus and to allocate time to do this but it’s definitely worthwhile in the long run.

With this is mind, I was talking to a friend of mine who asked if I had heard of the 10 most unhelpful thinking styles. Since I like to give myself even more anxiety, I decided to look them up and wow. It is quite the list.

So for this week’s AGTL, I’ve decided to go through each unhelpful thinking style and give advice on ways to subvert these thoughts and focus on the positive.

Let’s begin:

1.       All or Nothing Thinking

Your reasoning is clear cut and everything is either black or white. There is no grey and there’s no alternative solution. All or nothing thinking is scary because it leads you to believe that you have limited options. The truth is you don’t have to make a decision at all. Like my dad says “when in doubt, do nothing”, which is good advice unless you’re a fireman or heart surgeon.

  2.       Should do/Must do Thinking

I am super guilty with this type of thought process. I should probably clean my house but must I do it? Right this second? No. Because a) I’m at work and b) I’m going for burgers later. I don’t have to do shit and it’s important to occasionally remind your brain of this fact. Technically, you don’t have to do anything (unless its life threatening – we want to keep you alive). 

3.       Personalization 

Blaming yourself for something that wasn’t your fault or blaming someone else entirely for something that was your fault is toxic thinking. It’s important to know when you’ve made a mistake and be accountable, but don’t get into the shame-spiral of ‘this is all my fault or all his/her fault’. Look at how things can improve and understand that what’s done is done. Move on and focus on the positive, which is important because you should never…

  4.       Disqualify the Positive

Never discount the good stuff that’s happened or what you’ve achieved for x reason. Remember to remain on your own team. Team You. It’s important to take stock and look at what you’ve achieved in a day. It could be that you bashed out that work report by the deadline or you remembered to take out the recycling. Achievement doesn’t have to be a big song-and-dance to matter.

  5.       Catastrophizing & Minimization

Oh, how I love to pontificate on what could go wrong in my life! The trials and tribulations. The highs and lows. So many the possibilities! There are lots of ways to elevate anxieties to an astronomical level but here’s the thing: stop it. Just stop magnifying potential problems and worries. The opposite can be said about a serious issue: don’t minimalize or ignore it.

6.       Mental Filter

This practice involves only paying attention to specific ‘facts’ or ‘evidence’ that you equate with success or failure. This thinking does not take into account your success but only accounts for your supposed ‘failures’, thus lowering your self esteem.

As the great Karamo Brown says “failure isn’t the opposite of success, its part of it”.

7.       Jumping to Conclusions

Again, I do enjoy uncertainty but even more so when something hits me out of the blue and I sit there wondering (in thinking style 5 – as discussed) what terrible fate is to befall me. What’s the meeting with my boss really about? Why have we cancelled yet another evening out, dear friend? Is my bus late because of traffic or is there something more sinister at play? It’s ridiculous to read and even more so to think so whenever you start to jump to conclusions remember to take a deep breath and go to your happy place.

  8.       Overgeneralizing

Drawing broad conclusions to one specific event and believing it applies to everything is unhealthy. This is one time, one person, one scenario yada yada yada… When we overgeneralize, it takes away the spontaneity of life and you become that dull person that bases all events on a pattern instead of the random bursts of life that they are.

9.       Emotional Reasoning

Do. Not. Believe. That. You. Are. Your. Thoughts.

I can’t stress this enough. You are not your thoughts. For example, if I’m embarrassed, I therefore must come across as an idiot. Not true and this is where I find mindfulness and meditation extremely helpful. If you have a negative thought enter your head, note it mentally as ‘ah, a negative thought’ and dissociate yourself from the feeling. Do not give into the idea that your emotions are fact.

 10.       Labeling

When you proclaim the phrase ‘I’m stupid’, other people will believe it because you believe it. The term ‘fake it til you make it’ is the mindset to have when you get into the habit of labelling yourself and/or other people. If you find yourself labelling, take a step back and evaluate why you are being judgmental. Does it come from a place of insecurity or are you nervous because you are unfamiliar with a person/activity/feeling. There’s nothing wrong with saying ‘there’s a cat’ or ‘that’s a type of pizza topping’ because those comments are relatively factual. Don’t fall into the trap of applying that thinking to all other aspects of your life.

Hello again everyone. Good news! Did you look outside? Did you see the weather? Can you believe we can finally stop wearing 10 layers of clothes when getting dressed for work? Me neither. Summer in Vancouver is better than a winter in Vancouver. Why? Well, other than everyone being slightly more pleasant to each other, activity-wise this is when the city truly comes alive: art festivals, street parties, endless days on the beach or taking a long hike. It’s all good. However, I do have favourites and it would be a negligent of me not to share these said favourites with you.

Here’s my go-to list of things-to-do when you visit: 

Bike ride around Stanley Park

Is there anything more civilised that a leisurely cycle around one of Vancouver’s best loved parks, I ask you? I tend to rent from Bikes and Blades on Denman then head out early as it’s a popular activity in the summer. Try to avoid holiday weekends as it gets insanely busy.

If it rains, head over to the Aquarium or/and the Vancouver Art Gallery

Here’s the thing: its Vancouver so it will rain at least once in June so for those odd days of grim weather, either head over to the Aquarium in Stanley Park or to the Vancouver Art Gallery at Robson Square.

Buy a ticket to a Bard on the Beach production

Ah, yes. The illustrious Shakespeare gets a makeover with innovative adaptations by the Bard on the Beach crew. It’s a full scale, yearly festival hosted in marquees around the corner from Kit’s beach. Prepare yourself for a wild west themed ‘As You Like It’ and an Indian-take on ‘All’s Well That Ends Well’ for 2019.

  Canada Day Fireworks

*disclaimer: Leonardo DiCaprio will not attend*

Brace yourself for fireworks because on Canada Day (July 1st), you have the viewing pleasure of a fully fledged, professional display down by Canada Place (near Coal Harbour). You don’t have to travel to this free event though, a nearby hill with a good clear view across the city will guarantee you a good view.

Celebration of Light Festival/Competition

Look, if you miss the Canada Day fireworks there’s always the Celebration of Lights festival. Basically, Honda (yes the car manufacturer) put on a competition between three countries (this year it’s Croatia, India and Canada) and has a different display from each country over three evenings. You could pay for priority seats or you could slum it like the rest of us at English Bay beach, where there’s still a good view.

  Make a trip to Granville Island

Artisan crafts, a brewery, independent theatre, some grassy areas to sit and eat an icecream and a pretty seawall walk that leads you back East are just several of the reasons to visit Granville Island.

The Car-Free Days on Commercial Drive, Main Street and Greek Day

Imagine 30-odd blocks devoted to entertainment, food and small market stalls but instead of fighting across the street and avoiding traffic, its...well... car-free as the name suggests. The City closes off these streets so that we can have one glorious day of scary-free driving and parking.

  Visit the many, many festivals such as the Powell Street Festival, Jazz Festival, Dragon Boat Festival etc.

You get the idea. There’s stuff to do here. I particularly like the Powell Street Festival as its focuses on Japanese culture. The community take over Oppenheimer Park with fun activities, performances, displays and, of course, really good BBQ’d teriyaki salmon.

Brunch. It. Up.

It would be remiss of me not to include one of the best things about Vancouver: brunch. It’s not the full scale religion that you’d find in Toronto, but its still pretty good. There’s the die-hard brunch spots like Jam and Medina, hipster café galore Slickity Jim’s Chat & Chew or the traditional diners of Yore such as Fable and Lucy’s Eastside Diner.  

  Finally, go for a walk up (yes its uphill, people)  to Queen Elizabeth Park

My favourite place in the city is, without doubt, Queen Elizabeth Park. It’s the highest peak (I think, don’t quote me) and you truly get spectacular views from all angles on a clear day. Bloedel Conservatory is also located at the top so if you enjoy exotic birds circling your head as you photograph fancy plants, then this is the place for you.

So those are my top suggestions for this Summer. I’m sure there are more I’ve missed but these are my highlight. Enjoy!

Arguably, a puritan lifestyle. 

Just over a month ago, I decided to challenge myself by ridding my phone of all social media apps and logging off from everything for 30 days. My reasons for this were 3-fold: 1) I needed to address my every-increasing scrolling on Instagram (how many makeup tutorials does one need to view per day?), 2) I had to stop picking up my phone every time it buzzed and 3) I wanted to become less reliant on engaging with anyone and everything 24/7.

So the 30 days are up and i’ve experienced a wild mixture of emotions but overall I feel that this experiment was well-worth it. Why? Well, let me tell you.

I slept marginally better

I was shocked at how tired I was once I stopped staring at a small screen repeatedly throughout the day. I also found that it was easier to drift off and enjoy uninterrupted sleep for 8 hours straight. However, I also had the most insane dreams. The kind of mad shit only your subconscious could come up with in the wee hours of the morning.

Life appeared simpler

It was a pure time. A time without influencers, ads, constant stimulation and angry updates about the state of the world. Without social media, I relied only on independent news sources and the occasional podcast.I had no idea what was going on outside my sphere and it was super.Thus proving that ignorance really is bliss.

I listened to A LOT podcasts

While my iPhone recorded that my social media usage was at rock bottom, my entertainment app usage skyrocketed. I was spending easily 4 hours per week listening to podcasts. Is this bad? Not sure. Did I decide to take a step back and try and control this element of my life? Yes. No podcasts after 9pm for me.

It was easier to maintain focus and increase my productivity

Initially, I was quite frustrated that I wasn’t distracted at work and aimlessly scrolling through photo after photo of cats and food. And yet by planning my day and allocating time to do creative tasks like writing, I felt that I had extra time to do things that I enjoyed. I spent hours practicing my flute, baking, yoga and reading. All far more fun than staring into a brightly lit screen.

I was less angry with things outside my control

Oh my god, there are idiots everywhere but there seems to be an incredible amount on the internet. I can’t control them all so I do the healthy thing by blocking them out. Being social media-free for a month meant glorious mental freedom without the burden of hearing Sandra in Scunthorpe’s views on Brexit. It felt like I’d won the mind lottery.

Calm

It wasn’t as if i was namaste’ing it up at every opportunity but I liked the fact that I wasn’t as bothered about the little things. Tuning out political outrage, scandals and the like was actually quite a relief. I felt calm getting on transit in the morning and letting my Spotify playlist accompany my walk into work. Delightful.

I (worryingly) forgot about my friends back home

Turns out, I need to up my game when it comes to remembering things like birthdays, engagements and other notable events because my reminders are all via social media! Clearly, It’s time to reinvest in a calendar.

Did I really need social media?

I genuinely asked myself if it was time to pull the plug on Facebook. There seems to be no interesting content, I communicate with the majority of my friends via Messenger/WhatsApp and I’m incredibly suspicious about what Mark Zuckerberg does with my information. In fact, when I logged back on I felt a strange sense of apathy towards the whole platform. Maybe it’s time I left. We’re no good for each other and I’m so very tired of all the ads in my feed. On the other hand, Tumblr and Instagram are vastly entertaining at times which led me to a new quandary...

How to monitor my future usage

I can confidently confirm that it's over between me and Twitter. I find their lack of accountability regarding harassed users distasteful and irresponsible plus, it seems to be perpetually populated with angry people and trolls. I tire of Twitter and it’s noise so I deleted my account.

As for Tumblr and Instagram, I’ve decided to log in once a week and browse at leisure. However, the rest of the week will be a social media free space (unless its work-related business or an emergency) and all notifications will be on silent.

It’s all about the buns, hun.

It will come as no surprise to readers to learn that I am, unsurprisingly, addicted to food. I don’t just eat to live, i live to eat. It’s a glorious way to exist and as part of my digital minimalism month, i’ve managed to get back into the kitchen and make some of my favourite recipes.

I started baking back when i was 13. The first thing i ever made was a classic Victoria sponge in a home economics class. I was impressed with how well it turned out and my enjoyment of cooking was sealed as I spent years making the recipe over and over. Since then, I've branched out to include a wide repertoire of pies, tarts and cookies in my baking arsenal.

So today I’ve decided to share some of my favourite recipes, which are also relatively easy. Read on because, quite frankly, there is always time for cake.

Victoria sponge

The beginners bake, if you will. Light, simple and straightforward to make, this sponge is a great start into the world of baking. You literally have 4 ingredients, 4 identical measures and no hard techniques to conquer. You just bung this badboy into the oven until slightly bouncy to the touch and bam, it’s cooling time. All that’s left to do to assemble is apply a hefty slathering of jam and cream/buttercream (your choice) and serve. A taste sensation.  

Favourite recipe: https://www.bbc.com/food/recipes/mary_berrys_perfect_34317

Banoffee pie

If you live in North America, chances are you’ve never heard of this recipe. It’s so decadent and delicious that many British people originally thought that this pie was conceived in America. Not so. It was created by Nigel Mackenzie and Ian Dowding who owned The Hungry Monk restaurant in Sussex, England. The original version incorporated coffee into the cream, however I tend to like my pie with more toffee filling than i can handle. Ridiculously simple and unbelievably tasty, the combination of a crushed digestive base (that’s graham cracker crust to US/CA readers), toffee (or dulce de leche), bananas and whipped cream with chocolate shavings is heaven on earth.  

Favourite recipe: https://www.carnation.co.uk/Recipes/8/Classic-Banoffee-Pie-Recipe

Shortbread

Scotland is notable for many things but by far the easiest and tastiest of recipes is their simple shortbread. It amazes me how easy it is to make this biscuit. There are only 3 ingredients! Maybe 4 if you want to include a pinch of salt. Once you learn how to make shortbread at home, the shop bought stuff will not compare.

Recommended recipe: https://www.bbc.com/food/recipes/shortbread_1290

Devil’s Food Cake

The lord giveth and the lord taketh away with this beast of a bake. It is, without doubt, my absolute go-to chocolate cake but such amazingness comes at a price. It is a slightly trickier recipe to master but perfectly doable if you’re looking to make an impressive and decadent chocolate cake. It is certainly not for people who have diabetes or a heart murmur. It’s all chocolate, all butter and all delicious.

Recommended recipe: https://www.nigella.com/recipes/devil-s-food-cake

Coffee & Walnut Cake

Few things are as satisfying as a good slice of coffee & walnut. The trick is getting a good, strong coffee icing and chopping the walnuts into the batter. However, i’ve tasted fantastic coffee cake with no walnuts in the cake. So it's up to you how you like your nuts.

Recommended recipe: https://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/uncategorised-recipes/the-best-coffee-walnut-cake/

Pavlova

It may have been created in Australia or it could have been created in New Zealand. The debate rages on. To be honest, I don’t know who came up with it and frankly, i don’t care because pavlova is one of the best desserts out there. A pudding of which both Aussies and Kiwis can be proud. Although, the idea of making homemade meringue can be intimidating to some: it’s not. The key thing is to ensure that no yolk gets into the whites when you separate the eggs. If this happens, start again because your meringue will not rise! In terms of topping your pavlova, i like to pile on the whipped cream with berries and passion fruit.

Recommended recipe: https://www.womensweeklyfood.com.au/recipes/pavlova-6932

Chocolate chip cookies

America has given us many things. Some good and some not-so-good. However, we cannot continue with this post without thanking them for the invention of the chocolate chip cookie. Crispy, chewy, gooey and chocolately. It is truly a titan of the kitchen if a baker can make the perfect batch.

Recommended recipe: https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/25037/best-big-fat-chewy-chocolate-chip-cookie/?clickId=right%20rail1&internalSource=rr_feed_recipe_sb&referringId=10813%20referringContentType%3Drecipe

Guinness cake

Never, in all my life, would I have thought to put beer in a chocolate cake but then i do not have the stoner mentality of Nigella Lawson. This cake is like a tangy gingerbread without the spice and, if topped with a soft and fluffy cream cheese frosting, it even looks like a pint of Guinness. Definitely one for the adults and a great pudding for St. Paddy’s day.

Recommended recipe: https://www.nigella.com/recipes/chocolate-guinness-cake

Savoury mini muffins

All of the suggested recipes up to this point have been pretty sweet so let’s get into the savoury. Technically, a muffin is (more often than not) a sugary affair but these little gems by Delia Smith are a favourite mid-morning snack. I find they taste best when warm so feel free to reheat before you dig in.

Recommended recipe: https://www.deliaonline.com/recipes/type-of-dish/picnic-recipes/savoury-mini-muffins-with-two-flavourings

Cheese scones

As much as i enjoy a sweet scone, sometimes i want a savoury alternative. By all means, use your favourite cheese but i like a good sharp cheddar when i’m kneading this dough. You could pair the finished product with relish but they taste pretty good on their own.

Recommended recipe: https://thejessicajournal.weebly.com/bake/mary-berrys-cheesey-cheese-scones

If you’re reading this article then you should be aware that it was scheduled to be posted a few weeks back, mainly because I’m currently on a digital cleanse.

With this social media-free sojourn, I’ve managed to get through quite a few new and recently released books this past month. It’s relief to focus on reading books instead of scrolling through feeds and so, I’m excited to share some of the most enjoyable novels I had the pleasure of reading this month!

So without further ado, here are my top picks:

Tangerine by Christine Mangan

A debut novel set in the 1950s featuring the friendship between two women and the sinister past that binds them. Think Patricia Highsmith’s Talented Mr Ripley as a female character. I shamelessly purchased this book because I loved the cover. The story is beautifully written and is an atmospheric snapshot of Tangier in the early fifties.

The Lost Man by Jane Harper

I loved The Dry and this newest offering by Jane Harper is also set, unsurprisingly, in the arid outback of Australia. The tale focuses on the strange death of a man in the desert who is discovered by his two surviving brothers. An engaging and bittersweet backstory unfolds leading the main character to ask if his brother’s death really was suicide.

The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters

With a narrative style bordering on a homage to Shirley Jackson, The Little Stranger, is set just after the war in the English countryside. The local GP, Dr Faraday, travels to Hundreds Hall which is home to the Ayres family, only to discover (and doubt) that there are unexplained activities going on in the manor. This is a slow burn and the narrative tends to meander but readers will appreciate the creep factor.

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

Admittedly, this book came out a few years ago but it’s aged well. The story is set in modern day Glasgow and deals with themes of isolation and loneliness. The protagonist, Eleanor Oliphant, is a quirky and intelligent character whose amusing narrative and blunt opinions of the world, and those around her, really drive the story. An uplifting and emotional tale that deserves a read.  

Dreadful Company by Vivian Shaw

This is the second installment in a series that follows the trials and tribulations of Dr Greta Helsing: a doctor to the undead. Again, the narrative style is not for everyone but I liked the idea of having a doctor go to a medical conference where the focus is on zombie reconstructive surgery. It’s a bit cheesy in places but for those of you after a light read, you can’t go wrong with Dreadful Company.

Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Start-Up by John Carreyrou

Sometimes only non-fiction will do and this tell-all by John Carreyrou is one of the best pieces of investigative journalism I’ve read in a while. The book details the rise and fall of Theranos, a former multi-billion dollar start-up lead by Elizabeth Holmes who led investors down a road of promises and lies. A true crime thriller that will stay with you long after you finish reading.

 Obstruction of Justice: The Search for Truth on Canada’s Highway of Tears by Ray Michalko

Continuing with the true crime theme: all my murderinos will know about these infamous Canadian cases. It details the ongoing investigation surrounding the disappearances and murders of (predominantly) indigenous women on the Highway of Tears in British Columbia. The narrative is by ex-RCMP officer/now private-eye Ray Michalko who explains the cases, his findings and his relentless search into each woman’s killer(s). An excellent piece of non-fiction and a genuinely important read.

Lethal White: Cormoran Strike Book 4 by Robert Galbraith (AKA J.K. Rowling)

I’ve been on a journey with the Cormoran Strike series. I’ve been totally in awe of the way Galbraith (aka Rowling) weaves a diverse and addictive plot. The only downside is that the killer (to me, anyway) seemed obvious. There’s also all the drama between Robin and her nitwit husband that you have to endure in-between all the action. I still really enjoyed this book and I’m excited to see where the author takes these characters.

 The Mortal World by Genevieve Cogman

God, I love this series. I’ll read almost anything these days but I’m surprisingly picky when it comes to fantasy. I recommend reading the first four books but The Mortal World can be read on its own if you don’t care too much about backstory. In a nutshell, Irene Winters and her associates travel to an alternate 1890’s Paris for peace talks between two warring factions. Hilarity and mayhem ensues and it’s up to Irene and her dream team to save the day.

As we all know; a few weeks back, the Western world was set ablaze by the shocking news that rich people had paid big money to ‘convince’ certain universities to accept their children into college.

There was fraud, mystery, intrigue, disbelief and, of course, Felicity Hoffman. The accused parents were forced to bask in the unrelenting shame that their children are SO STUPID that they have to pay to get them accepted to places like USC and Yale. Donations, charitable gifts, some 30 year old dude taking entrance exams FOR FUN. It’s all very dirty and satisfying so naturally, my colleagues and I, have followed the scandalous proceedings since the news broke.

I mean, who pretends their kids are superstar rowers when they don’t know what an oar is?

Now, while I appreciate how much wealthy people value a good education, it doesn’t mean that they get to commit fraud. Surely, if you have teenagers who aren’t up to the standard required for the entrance exams then perhaps the college in question isn’t for them? Or maybe let them make their own decisions. If they’re enjoying an influencer lifestyle, backpacking through the Sahara on your money or getting stoned on a beach somewhere then leave them to it.

But like many people, I have some big questions and totally irrelevant thoughts about all of this thievery. Predominantly:

How long has this been going on for?

Probably forever but if we’re being realistic: several years. Who knows what the charges will be and all the work that has been carried out to bring down the individuals working the system.

Are we really that surprised?

Let’s be real here. The majority of the accused come from white, privileged, wealthy and connected families who genuinely thought that they could get away with bribery. The admissions system seems to be broken if its operating a dual acceptance policy with one tier based solely on academic merit but the other on “charitable contributions”. 

 Relief that the Kardashians aren’t involved

Kudos to Kris Jenner for recognising that the majority of her kids (not Kourtney) are not up for the toil of university. That family has had quite a year considering it’s only March.

True and Stormi don’t need any more grief.

Why are Americans obsessed with the notion of ‘Ivy League’

I don’t get it and I don’t understand it. It’s 2019 and to be frank, university is expensive enough without having to charge extra because the college is 100 years old and has some notable alumni. Ivy League isn’t everything kids. Go somewhere you’ll feel comfortable and happy.

Do we ban Desperate Housewives reruns now?

The later episodes were not so enthralling and I’m kind of tired seeing Felicity Hoffman’s face on newsstands everywhere I go. Nevertheless, do we ban the show? I mean, who really cares. The series ended ions ago.

 Should I start watching Full House/Fuller House?

All I know about Full House is that Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen co-starred in the show as children. I don’t really care about Lori Loughlin but I do care greatly about the artist and gentleman that is John Stamos. What about his career? If they stop producing Fuller House, when will he next make an appearance on my TV?!

A perverse interest in the FBI investigation

I think I’ve made my feelings surrounding true crime perfectly clear but in case you weren’t aware: This. Is. My. Jam. I just have so many questions for those agents! How did they work out who was involved? Did they go undercover? What evidence can we, the public, be treated to in the following months?

 How this impacts on other students/families?

I’m talking about applicants from all other walks of life. Students from low-income backgrounds with excellent credentials and references as well as applicants from underrepresented communities. It is truly unfair that prospective students have been cast aside to make way for Chad Average whose main accomplishments include sharting next to his celebrity parents at an awards show and belching in time to the latest Ariana Grande track.  

 The fallout

We’re not talking about a slap on the wrist here. Students of the accused are going to be removed from their chosen universities. Parents could be sent to prison. Everyone involved is going to have their names sullied because they exercised their privilege instead of doing the right thing and applying to the admissions process fairly.

Greetings readers! I hope you’ve had a good weekend enjoying the increasingly Spring-like weather and have begun the week with a healthy mindset.

I am going to confess a secret to you all. I monitor my own social media use. I have set time restrictions on my phone to not allow any activity between 10pm and 9am. It has been useful and a real help but sadly, as predicted, my time on my device has increased again. I don’t know how people feel about this but it bothers me and so, as the saying goes, drastic times call for drastic measures. I am undertaking a scary and non-invasive experiment…

I am going to try and live without social media for an ENTIRE month. That’s 30 days Facebook-free, no Instagram at all and going tee-total on Tumblr. 

Truth be told, I am tired of the constant buzz and stimulation 24/7. I want to relax and be surprised by the news. I no longer want to scroll aimlessly through Instagram or puzzle over status updates on Facebook. I want to become less cynical, more productive and get some real bizness done.

I’ve laid out my intentions to work colleagues and friends alike. All of whom seem pretty intrigued. Not about the experiment itself but whether I’ll stick to it. I’m sure there will be temptation, especially when I’m bored but I’m sure the payoff will be worth it. It’s this last sentence that really sticks out for me because historically, I’m not the type to complain about being bored. Not really. I always have something on the go. It’s only since I have my iPhone that I have become less patient and easily distracted.

I’ve had a lot of questions asked about my plan so here are my answers to the barrage of questions I’ve endured from all and sundry:

Why are you doing this to yourself?

I’m so tired of going on Facebook and getting nothing but ads in my feed. To be honest, the only thing I use is the Messenger service, which is an absolute godsend if WhatsApp is playing up.

Why 30 days?

I was recently advised to listen to Cal Newport (who was guest speaking on a podcast episode – sorry can’t remember which one!). He cut himself off from all apps for a month and is now reaping the benefits of a less-dependent digital lifestyle.

‘Sounds good’ I thought.

Plus I’d like to see how I’ll cope without such dependency.

How will you post updates to your blog if you’re off Tumblr!?

I have written articles for the next 2 week and will schedule them to post without having to interact with the app. I want to keep writing and uploading content but I do not want to engage with Tumblr every week during my digital cleanse (no offense, Tumblr).

 What will you do to ensure you don’t fall off the wagon?

I’ve got pretty good self-restraint but I don’t doubt that this will be tricky. I’m ready to test my resolve and be dragged back to a time (both kicking and screaming) where I didn’t have to deal with either. I will also remove all social media apps from my iPhone to resist temptation.

What will you miss about social media?

Make up tutorials and food photos from Instagram and creeping on my friends via Facebook. Although, arguably, I can contact anyone I know via email so it won’t be too much of a stretch.

What are you hoping to achieve from this ‘experiment’?

I hope to free up time in my day that is STOLEN from me by mindlessly scrolling. I also want to achieve a piece of mind that I can cope without social media and finally, I want to be present. I’ve had enough of sitting at my desk/riding public transport and being on my phone because I’m restless or bored.

What date will you be back ‘online’?

Friday April 19th.

What do you think will happen as a result of surviving in a digital wasteland?

If you google ’30 days without social media’ then you’ll be bombarded with people evangelising the joys of having no distractions. There seems to be a universal relief and happiness that comes with ‘switching off’ for a full month. It’s likely that I’ll experience the same thing but in the long run, I believe there will be more questions that I’ll ask myself. Such as: Why do ANY of us use social media? Why keep everyone updated all the time? Where’s the mystery gone in life? Will I change my habits or delete my apps? Will I be happier?

I prey that my brain has not turned to mush and I’m still well-adjusted. I also hope to know significantly less about the Kardashians than I currently do.

A few week’s ago, I came across an interesting article that addressed a problem plaguing my generation: Millennial Burnout. The original story written by Anne Helen Petersen (which can be found here) charts the unreasonable expectations that millennials put themselves under in order to feel like we’re “living our best life”. It’s a fascinating read and, as it turns out, the only way to live like there’s no tomorrow is to kill ourselves by being available 24/7.

Like many people, I too, want to be successful and enjoy all the bounty that life offers. However, the combination of social media encouraging us to regularly share life updates and the pressure to keep up can result in stress, anxiety and low mood.

But how do we manage this pressure? What steps can each of us take to ensure that we don’t get bogged down by what we see on Instagram or the countless emails that appear in our work inbox overnight? There are many signs that are typical of regular burnout: ceaseless worrying, lack of sleep, working too hard and various other physical symptoms.

After a bit of research, I’ve come up with some suggestions that should alleviate stress and dispel the myth that it’s possible to do it all.

So without further ado, here are my tactics to prevent potential burnout before it hits you:

Do not access your email after/before work

Your phone is the enemy prior to 8am and after 6pm. As hard as it is to leave it charged while you try and calmly eat your breakfast, understand that you are not paid for this time. It is not your priority to solve the problem created by Betty in Accounts at approximately 5:59 the previous evening.

Re-prioritise your daily tasks

But I do that anyway and it makes no difference! I hear you shout.

And let me just say that you are doing a truly excellent job trying to do LITERALLY EVERYTHING but you are not superhuman, reader. You are a mere human. We must look at our daily life list and be reasonable. For example, I like to ask ‘will the world end if I don’t do x task today?’ If yes, then clearly it’s urgent and needs to be dealt with. If not, then it’s relegated to a future to-do list.

I understand that it can be hard but its either this or sitting curled up in the fetal position for 5 months unable to carry out the most menial of tasks because of a mental breakdown.

Practice self-care

Ah, I enjoy this immensely. Whatever ‘self-care’ means to you to ensure that you keep afloat in the tidal wave of shit coming at you from all angles. Self-care can be anything: taking a bath, reading a book for an hour, going for a jog, booking a therapy session. Take a moment to indulge.

Get a good night’s sleep

8 hours of pure unadulterated joy is what we’re aiming for here, people. Relax, drink a beverage, read a book or meditate as you wind down for the evening and settle in for the night.

Exercise

I hate working out on principle. But here we are with experts telling us that a bit of cardio is good for the body. It doesn’t have to be a 20 mile run. You could go for a jog around the block, spend a bit of time on the yoga mat stretching out or take a dip in the local pool.

Eat well

Listen. There is about zero chance that I will “forget” to eat. I love eating. I live to eat. Junk food, healthy snacks, I’ll take it all. However, I appreciate that not everyone’s schedule revolves around food so try to make time for that mid-morning cake and lunchtime soup special.

Understand that: Social. Media. Is. Not. Real

I don’t care how many times I have to say it but social media is a form of communication not a blueprint for life. So what if Nadia is in the Bahamas at her optimum weight? Who cares if Ashwin just won that noble prize for singing in the shower?

We need to start viewing social media in two ways: a channel to share creativity and a medium to show awareness. It’s great that people can sell products and talk about all their achievements if that’s their bag. Good for them.

If used wisely, social media is a mighty tool but we needs to remember that apps like Instagram are a highly edited version of real life.

Perfection is unattainable

A wise person once said that “the only thing that is perfect is the divine” and I must say the more I hear about people’s ideas of perceived ‘perfection’ the more I realise that it really doesn’t exist.

So with that in mind, understand that you can’t do everything perfectly. It’s just not possible. It is fine to put things on the backburner and to catch up on life admin when you are not overwrought with stress.

A necessity for life, surely.

Readers. Today I come to you with a plea. With a request if you will to expand your media/entertainment horizons. I’m not trying to sell something nor am I pedaling unpopular religious or political opinions. Oh no, on this fine day, I am going to ask you to consider listening to one of life’s joys: true crime podcasts.

What is it about this particular genre of podcasting that has me hooked? Why oh why do I tune in each week to listen to my favourite shows that feature heavily on the unpleasantness factor? Well, there are many reasons that I’ll list below. Mainly, people (like myself) seem to be fascinated by the darker side of life and are interested to learn about the unsung heroes that solve seemingly impossible crimes.

So without further ado, let’s delve into why you should try listening to at least one true crime podcast:

Good Storytelling

This is key. There are a lot of podcasts out there but you need an engaging narrator to really weave the tale of woe. Casefile is a good one but watch out for the grisly murders. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

Intrigue/Mystery

I get it. You don’t want to hear about the terrible things murderers do and would prefer an open ended story. If so, cold cases and spooky disappearances that have been unsolved for years could be for you. I recommend The Fall Line and Bear Brook if this is more your bag.

Identify what works for you

As mentioned above, you may not be 100% comfortable tuning into the dark stuff. I avoid some podcasts or podcast episodes that I know will disturb me so get a feel for what you enjoy listening to and work with what doesn’t appall you to your core.

The potential humour

There are podcasts that incorporate humour into their retellings. For example My Favorite Murder is extremely popular and John David Booter who presents Done Disappeared is a parody mastermind.

To be clear, these podcasts do no laugh at people dying but at the stupidity of the killer or the myriad of characters that pop up.

Fact is stranger than fiction

I will never tire of the weird shit people come up with to get their spouses, partners, ex-employees etc out of the way. It’s almost as if they didn’t consider divorce like a normal person. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve uttered the phrase ‘stupid fucking idiot’ out loud listening to humanity’s worst justify their excuses for murder.

Sometimes a book/TV just won’t cut it

I’ll admit that I can only mindlessly stare at a screen for so long. I need more now. I need the thrill of a mysterious voice accompanied by eerie background music. I also enjoy the occasional phone interview and/or recordings of witness statements. There are so many layers to the case to consider! Not even the double baked chocolate croissants I get from my local bakery has that many layers and those pastries are flakey mothers!

Discerning the good from the bad

Diagnosis Murder it is not. For the record, I happen to enjoy a TV thriller or a hammy murder mystery, but its important to remember that a lot of crimes don’t get solved or are far more complex than initially thought. If you’ve got a presenter who is not that into the story or doesn’t fully engage with the content, listeners will get bored and no-one has time for that.

Not that Diagnosis Murder or Murder She Wrote could ever be guilty of having a convoluted plot.  

Victim/Survivor awareness

It’s important to recognise survivors and what they’ve been though. It’s also important to not forget victims who fell prey to dangerous predators and those who were left behind to deal with such loss.

Research skillz

I cannot imagine how long it takes for someone to investigate a shifty-as-fuck crime. Police errors, missing evidence, conflicting witness statements. It is agonizing. Yet, here we have people who love true crime so much that they use their investigative prowess to research the living hell out of a perpetrator and report back to the masses.

A realisation that anyone, literally anyone, can podcast.

Me, you, Simon from the Accounts department at work. ANYONE can buy a microphone and record their embarrassing ramblings. It’s amazing. So why not grasp the opportunity to humiliate yourself and alienate those around you for the sake of a hobby!?

I have a confession to make. If it was the end of the world tomorrow, I don’t think I’d be remotely prepared for survival. I don’t have any nature knowledge or bushcraft skills that would lend to self-preservation. All i’d have would be instinct and a genuine fear of having to endure the unimaginable like everyone else.

Fortunately, tomorrow looks like a Tuesday and all I have on is work so the apocalypse doesn’t look likely right now. Instead (and partly in a bid to educate myself) I ended up watching two excellent films on Netflix this weekend: Birdbox and A Quiet Place.

Both films are set during a time when society falls apart and the human race is struggling to survive because of aliens or an unknown force. Each story is filled with tension, unspeakable horrors and a strong cast of actors. Sidebar: I commend the child actors who must have been scarred in some way while filming but that’s by-the-by. Birdbox stars our lady and saviour, Sandra Bullock and A Quiet Place stars real-life couple and powerhouse team Emily Blunt and John Krasinski (he played Jim in the US version of The Office FYI).

Although these movies are similar in genre (i’d argue that Birdbox was more of a psychological thriller whereas A Quiet Place verges into the realm of horror), there are some similarities that I couldn’t help but notice when it came to the common ground of survival. So if you, like myself, have no idea what you’d do then please. Have a seat and allow me to share what Sandra, Emily and John/Jimbo taught viewers this weekend:

Do not have kids/keep kids/make kids

Team Blunt find out the hard way that reproducing in a post-apocalyptic horrorscape is not the best idea. Kids are difficult to control in a civilized world let alone one which requires them to not make a sound or look or play or do anything. It’s also hard to feel sympathetic when they do shit that they are EXPLICITLY TOLD NOT TO DO and repeatedly throw themselves in the way of danger.

Essentially, the lessons here are: don’t get too attached, if possible overdose on birth control and don’t disobey Sandra Bullock.

Ensure you are within reach of an abandoned supermarket

Food is your friend. You need it to live, to be happy and to block out the fact you just ran over several bodies with your stolen SUV. Believe in the supermarket. Understand that it holds all the things humans hold dear. Bread, chips, walkie talkies, alcohol, sugary goods, a menagerie of birds. You know, the basics.

Understand that you will face betrayal

There’s always peril afoot. You just have to learn to live with the knowledge that some bastard will take the car, try to shoot you, attract enemy attention or steal the last rolo. Becoming independent in the face of double-crossing behaviour is an inevitability. It's the end of the world and people are bound to act like shit-biscuits.

Don’t deny those bodily functions

Call me crazy but surely after 48 hours on a boat, you’re going to be experiencing sadness, sogginess, sour body odour, exhaustion and most importantly of all, the need to pee.

  Work with layers

Don’t dress to kill but also, don’t dress to die. Fashion is no longer necessary. It’s all about mending, washing and reusing clothes that you’ve stolen or recycled. Wear those 10 t-shirts for the warmth. Remember that this is the apocalypse and Banana Republic is no longer operational.

Become familiar with at least one firearm

I’m not a gun person and I believe in gun control. However, with that being said, if it was the end days tomorrow, i’d need to get my arse in gear and learn how to operate a shotgun.

If country music is all that's left then kill me now

I mean it. If the world ends and the only genre remaining is some banjo, sliding guitar shiz then we are going to have a serious problem. Surely, you’d want to get people fired up to survive not wanting to wallow in an abandoned bar over a large whiskey? Where’s my Britney hits? Is it too late to revisit Metallica’s seminal album? Put some Parliament on. But please God no country music.

Decorate your base/bunker tastefully

I know. It’s a hard ask when all and sundry are trying to kill you. But some tasteful fairy/twinkle lights and a canopy bed don’t seem too extravagant when you’re living in a hellscape. Scavenge what you can and work with muted tones, unvarnished wood and maybe a claw foot bath if you can drag one from the nearest homestead.

Stay alive

It must be absolutely exhausting to live day-to-day with death around every corner. The harrowing experience of watching loved ones die and living in constant fear must be immense. However, if it's one thing that Birdbox and A Quiet Place teaches us, it's that it is possible to keep going when everything looks remarkably bleak.

Anyone who wants to write or enjoys writing knows how hard it can be to make time to do so alongside all their other commitments. However, with a positive mentality and literary prompts, it can become easier to increase how often you spend doing it.

When I was younger, I kept a journal that I would obsessively update every day without fail. It was a type of self-care that would allow me to vent and articulate my thoughts without judgement or worry that it would be read by anyone other than myself. Before I left for Canada, I found these same journals and counted 7 years’ worth of content charting the highs and lows of my life. As I reread every one, I came to one solid conclusion: they had to be shredded. In the fading light of the copy room at my former workplace, I destroyed book after book until no evidence remained. It sounds quite dramatic but I simply couldn’t keep them. I had no room, no desire to type up my notes and no time to do so even if I had wanted to. It also covered parts of my life that I did not want to revisit so I felt a certain relief in dooming them to the shredder.

Writers tend to be the biggest book burners around. Not because it's fun to dispose of your previous work but because it's easy. Do you really want to keep a draft story that never came to fruition? Do you want a portfolio that is never shared? Can you honestly say that the hilarious poem you wrote 2 gin & tonics in was meaningful?

Anyone can write (as this blog demonstrates) but not everyone has the motivation to write regularly and, for a long time, I was one of these people. However, after I finished attending a creative writing course and joined a writers group, I experienced a surge of productivity and decided to make my new year’s resolution to write each day.

So without further ado, let me share how to get back on the ‘write’ track (yes, I like puns and no, i’m not ashamed):

Try to compose at least one sentence every day

Most people are capable of this and the sentence doesn’t have to be anything  profound. If you work in an office, odds are you write more than one sentence a day. Just think of all those passive-aggressive emails beginning with ‘as per my previous response…’ that you sent to Sandra in HR.

However, if your job is not desk-based then you could scribble anything down. It could be fiction, fact, a review, a thought, anything. ANYTHING AT ALL. Remember that getting into the habit of writing a little each day will increase your productivity in the long run.

Do not delete/trash your drafts!

That action thriller that began so well but didn’t develop into a ‘good enough’ plot was relegated into the drafts folder on your laptop. This was until you went back to it a few weeks later and realised it would make an ideal short story! Just remember to keep the original draft. Its important to show how the idea evolved and see how far you’ve come.

Use prompts

I. Love. A. Prompt. Whoever came up with ‘literary prompts’ is clearly a genius. The concept is relatively simple. Write down 10 or more words that will spark inspiration. My former writing teacher said that two good prompts are: “I remember” and “I have learned”. This is because we can always recall at least one memory and are relatively self-aware when we consider how much we have learned.  This is a great technique when typing up academic essays and dissertations.

Put the inner critic on mute

This may come as a surprise but your inner critic is not helpful. It is the voice that comments that your work is not quite up to the jaw-dropping standard expected. It’s exhausting to listen to your own unreasonable criticism. This is why you must always take a moment to roast the hell out of the inner critic and remember that NO-ONE IS LISTENING to this voice except for you.

Go to a writing class

Taking a writing class is one of the best things I have ever done and it is a great way to improve. You get to meet new people, learn new ways to overcome the dreaded writer’s block, listen to other people’s work, appreciate different writing styles and get confident with sharing, critiquing and developing your own projects.

Or join a writers group

Contrary to popular belief, not every person who wants to write a novel or become a investigative journalist looks like this:

And just an FYI that if you do come across a person who is like this then leave. Run. Literally run. It will make you feel good. All those endorphins and shit you experience as you exercise. Then, when you return from your run, you now have a fully formed villain that you can incorporate into your next story.

Appreciating that attempting to write is akin to being on fire

You can either be lit up like a Christmas tree in a blaze of inspiration or screaming internally as you burn from the pressure/lack of ideas/poor grammar etc. etc.

It is what it is. Take a break and understand that frustration is part of the process. It’s inevitable that you will encounter times when there just isn’t any inspiration and that’s fine.

Read all kinds of material

You can never read too much. Read the newspaper, online blogs, books, memoirs, academic journals, poems, epics, graphic novels and so on. Read literally anything that broadens the mind and your exposure to narratives different from your own.

Be nice to yourself

A poem doesn’t have to be published to matter nor does a story have to be shared to be profound. An ability to articulate oneself is an art in itself and that is why you have to give yourself a break when you abandon an idea or take time on a new one. The fact that you are taking the time to work on something creative matters more than doing the laundry. You are nurturing your creativity and allowing your mind to focus on things that aren’t mundane. Silencing the inner critic is one thing but being nice to yourself should be a daily ritual. 

Never trust a person who tries to smoke a cigar nonchalantly and fails. This is the first lesson I learn 10 minutes into ‘Fyre’, which is simultaneously one of the most bewildering and horrifying documentaries i’ve seen for some time. Now, I love a documentary and this is a real eye-opener as it goes into painful detail, to the lengths one self-professed “entrepreneur” will go, to maintain the illusion of wealth.

But what is/was ‘Fyre’?

In case you’ve not been paying attention to the media over the last year or so, Fyre Festival was meant to be the next Coachella. A cataclysm of the famous, gorgeous, rich and privileged merging together to watch top artists perform on a desert island over several days. This festival was scheduled to take place in 2017 in the beautiful Caribbean and was widely publicised by supermodels/instagrammers promising nothing but the best and most exclusive of experiences to come.

Sadly, the festival materialised in the worst possible way and instead of being the most luxurious of parties, it became a living nightmare for festival goers and organisers alike. This Netflix documentary (there’s one on Hulu too) charts how the primary organiser, Billy McFarland and his business partner, Ja Rule (you know, that rapper in the early noughties) managed to produce the biggest clusterfuck of all time.

Here they are pre-festival:

There don’t seem to be many gifs of these two. I wonder why...

It’s quite something to watch a plan fall apart and see it slip into the murky depths of criminal activity. However, there is something hypnotic when watching a fully functioning psychopath in action as he successfully defrauds thousands of people and companies.

Would you like to know how McFarland did it? Of course you do, so here’s my view on why you should take some time to learn a bit more about Fyre.

Appreciating the original concept

Initially, Fyre Festival started out as a great idea. It was a way to market the now-defunct Fyre app, which (if I understand correctly) would have changed the way fans could book their favourite artists. The company needed to generate buzz and promote it in a way that it would surpass expectation and rival the big booking agencies. An employee suggested that the company create an exclusive event for music industry professionals under the Fyre banner but this somehow morphed into a festival-to-rival-the-great-Coachella by the now-universally hated, Billy McFarland.

If you don’t know nor care who this guy was at the start of the show, you will by the end and you will hate him. The gelatinous Billy is an unforgivable sociopath in his need to succeed and spends a vast amount of time demanding lesser mortals do his bidding without complaint.

How the organisers/Fyre team appear visibly drunk/impaired during the promo shoot.

If you were surrounded by the world’s most beautiful models like Bella Hadid, Emily Ratajkowski et al. Surely, surely you’d be conscious, no?

You certainly wouldn’t dream of being the CEO that’s passed out on the beach, beer in hand, like some drunken frat boy on his second ever Budweiser light.

Ignoring Pablo Escobar’s representatives/relatives

So the island you’re leasing used to be home to one of the world’s most terrifying drug kingpins and was used for countless nefarious activities. OK. Fine. But did you listen to the lawyers when they explicitly instructed you not to mention these facts to the media? No? Alright, find a new location for your festival.

The stupidity is haunting.

The lack of communication between teams and shady business dealings

If, like me, you’re a cynic that doesn’t believe everything you hear then you’ll find it hard to feel sorry for every single Fyre employee. There’s a lot of “but I didn’t know”, “just doing what I was told”, “I expressly said” yada yada yada narrative going on throughout the filming. Some employees, you do feel so sorry for, especially the locals on the island who were scammed out of thousands. The one upshot was that the caterer who lost $50,000 dollars of her own savings was reimbursed by kind folks on GoFundMe who raised $139,000!

Just bear in mind that not not everyone deserves such sympathy. I’m looking at you handsome yoga instructor-come-festival consultant.

How loyal people can be

2 words. Andy King. I just could not believe his devotion to conman, McFarland, to the point where he actually considers going so beyond the call of duty, that I had to pause my TV to process what he’d just said. If McFarland is the villain of the piece, then King is the bewildered hero struck down with guilt and shame at what the festival has become.

The perverse delight you will feel watching ‘influencers’ reactions

I have no qualms sharing my savage pleasure watching instagrammer’s react to their ‘exclusive accommodation’. The horror story began when they were squished into *horrified gasp* economy seats on a commercial 747 (not the promised private jet), then rammed into school buses that preceded to dump them unceremoniously at the gates of hell aka the festival site. Arguably watching rich people complain at the lack of champagne is its own kind of punishment but things got a lot more sinister when it evolved into a Lord of the Flies situation.

I know I shouldn’t have belly-laughed uncontrollably on my couch as they started to hoard toilet paper and fight over rain-soaked tents but it was hard to remain sympathetic. These people had willingly paid thousands of dollars to watch Migos. I can’t respect that.

A renewed hatred of Ja Rule

I thought I could let the Ashanti and J-Lo collaborations go after all these years, but it turns out i can’t. Not with this guy owing millions to all and sundry then trying to launch an identical app a year later. We know what you’re up to Ja Rule. IT WON’T WORK.

The chilling aftermath

Fraud, money laundering, thievery, employee layoffs, blackmail. All of it orchestrated by fraudster extraordinaire, Billy McFarland. Some of these allegations were so serious that the FBI turned up at employees’ doors asking for ‘information’. When high-level government agents get involved, you know that it's over. Crime does not pay.

Anger at Frank

Disbelief. Just total disbelief at what i was seeing, watching, feeling. McFarland’s out on bail. Just what the hell was he thinking and more importantly, what the fuck was Frank thinking?

A very real hope that McFarland stays in jail

Professor Robert Hare once said that he if he couldn’t study psychopaths in prisons then the stock exchange would have been his second choice. Why? Because psychopaths thrive in business scenarios but only to the extent that they’re managed very carefully. If not, we get a case like McFarland running loose, stealing millions, embezzling from investors and giving zero fucks to the consequences of his actions. Even afterwards, he shows no remorse and comes across as totally shameless. Lock him away.

Seth Rogan and his gang are about to do a Fyre spoof

Sweet Jesus, let it be funny. I need Rogan to bring out the big guns for this one. It has potential for pure farce and lord knows, people need something to laugh at after watching the documentary because at its very core, it will depress you.

There’s something very sad with people’s need to be special and this is why Fyre managed to convince a market to pay so much to be part of it. Why wouldn’t anyone want to party on a beach in the middle of the caribbean surrounded by beautiful people, exclusive areas and high-profile stars? It reinforces that all the instagramming, the filters and social media doesn’t mean much. It’s just a snapshot of what could be, a mirage, an illusion. It’s not real. Nevertheless, give this film a go. It’s a cautionary tale worth watching.

Ah, Marie Kondo. The woman behind the international bestseller The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing’, and endorser of living your best life in surroundings that aren’t reminiscent of a tramp’s hovel. If you’ve not heard of her then look online and on the TV: she’s got a show on Netflix entitled ‘Tidying up with Marie Kondo’, has published 4 books and is the definitive organising consultant. Its time for you to brace yourself for Kondo because your world is about to get super fucking tidy.

“So she teaches people how to clean up after themselves”, I hear you say “big deal”.

Aside from being an absolute delight, she manages to convince the most hard-core of hoarders that dumping excess possessions in their den-come-closet, is not the best way to live. But how does she do it? What steps does this dignified and highly qualified lady take to convert such trash heathens?

Let me explain. Marie is the creator of the KonMari method that involves organising your stuff into 5 main categories: clothes, books, paper, sentimental and komono (small things).

In short, it's a FOOLPROOF way to, literally, get your shit together. In the interests of personal growth, I decided to give it a try all the while asking ‘what would Marie do?’

My musings led to me question the following:

Why did I purchase 5 summer dresses and only wear 1?

I didn’t need that flimsy (and poor quality) H&M backless number yet here I am. There it lies in my closet, a pale blue reminder of poor self-control.

How does one perfect the Marie Kondo fold?!

The everlasting question: how can I store my clothes to create optimum space without creasing? By executing the Kondo fold that’s how!

It’s a shame that I still can’t do it properly. Even Marie’s infant children can fold clothes. I bet they love it.

Where does Marie buy her clothes? She’s always dressed impeccably.

I won’t lie here. I watch ‘Tidying up with Marie Kondo’ for many reasons. Partly to cleanse my soul but also because Marie knows how to dress. Her fashion sense is chic and elegant. Is there anything this woman can’t do?

I have a genuine concern that she’ll be suffocated by a landslide of clothing

Whenever the family in question shove all their stuff (mainly clothes) on the bed, I fear for Marie’s life. There have been far too many close calls where her safety is concerned. I’ve come to the conclusion that her assistant is not just a translator but a bodyguard. A barrier between tiny Marie and the precarious, free-fall avalanche of dirty undergarments piled high on an Ikea bedframe.

The ‘Sparking Joy’ debacle.

There’s a fine line between something you love and a necessity for life. For example, I don’t love my socks but the numerous pairs I own are to ensure that I don’t get frostbite in the winter months. This is Canada. I work with layers. So although it doesn’t bring me joy, it does serve a purpose and therefore, it stays in my closet.

The judgement

I thoroughly enjoy watching Marie spread the word and her evangelical enthusiasm for cleanliness. The benefits of not living in your own filth are too numerous to mention. I often compare the number of belongings I have to the participants on her show with a certain relief that I don’t have a hobby that demands I fill 200 10x15 boxes with baseball cards.  

Possessions are just ‘stuff’

They are not experiences that you will treasure nor memories you hold dear. Sure, there may be some keepsakes among your possessions but do you really need 10 lipsticks? Aren’t they all the same shade? Don’t you think they’ve expired by now?

Marie’s authentic approach

What’s not to love? She promotes a clean, tidy home to reflect a tidier mindset and attitude to organisation. My kind of jam.

The narration is in Japanese!

Subtitles for us Neanderthals that only speak English! I’m always impressed when anyone can speak another (or multiple) languages. It’s a skill and while Marie chooses to chat to her clients in conversational English, she switches to Japanese when explaining the reasoning behind her methods. I like it and it feels quite unusual when you consider how many shows are still produced exclusively in English.

The feel-good factor

In essence, Tidying up with Marie Kondo is all about feeling good about pulling yourself together. The show begins with a household in despair and ends with a family relieved by the progress they’ve made. I, like many other Kondo fans, breathe a deep sigh of relief when Marie emerges unscathed from such horrors and ready to tackle yet another home filled with too much stuff.

I’m not often one for reviews but after a marathon Netflix session last weekend, I just had to give my thoughts on this thriller of a show.

I should probably start by saying that there are MAJOR SPOILERS ahead so if you haven’t finished watching the series then stop reading here.

‘You’ is told from the perspective of Joe Goldberg, a bibliophile and psychopath extraordinaire, who believes in true love but also “that he needs to protect himself”. How so? By crossing every imaginable boundary that society holds dear in the name of “love”. He stalks, spies, manipulates, invades and kills for the object of his obsession: Guinevere Beck, all the while fulfilling the busy demands expected of a book store manager.

Beck is a pretty blond with aspirations to be a writer and is enduring the gruesome toll of life by subjecting herself to an MFA, wealthy and vapid friends, one-night stands and part-time yoga gigs. It’s quite the life but Joe thinks he can help her do better and so subsequently stalks her and ingratiates himself into her life.

I had been warned by friends that this show was going to be addictive and they weren’t wrong. I’d even heard that the actor who plays Joe (Penn Badgley) took to Twitter to remind followers that JOE. GOLDBERG. IS. A. MURDERER because some viewers kept romanticizing this dude’s evil deeds.

Now, I love Badgley. Who doesn’t remember him as Dan Humphrey in Gossip Girl?

Glorious teen drama with self-involved beautiful people tackling first world problems. Arguably trash TV at its absolute finest. However, this is not Gossip Girl and Joe Goldberg is no Dan Humphrey.  Instead we get a terrifyingly creepy protagonist who is crazier than a weekend in Ibiza.

As always, whenever I finish watching a show, I have questions and observations that need addressing so let’s get into it:

Why doesn’t anyone in Beck’s circle acknowledge that it’s weird that Joe has no social media presence (nor any friends) at all?

It’s unusual that someone in today’s ever-changing digital landscape doesn’t have at least one account. To be fair, Joe doesn’t really have any friends and he’s using Beck’s phone to spy on her. Then again, wouldn’t that raise a few red flags?

Beck is not exactly likeable.

Don’t get me wrong. NOBODY deserves to be murdered. Beck just seems to have such terrible judgement. She also lies about the death of her own father, is a self-identified ‘poet’ and allows pretty much anyone to walk all over her. Sure, your twenties are tough and I found myself sympathising with her to an extent but let’s be real here, she is manipulated far too easily.

For example, when Beck starts to investigate Joe and suspects that he just may-have-kind-of murdered his ex-girlfriend. I mean, if you thought that your boyfriend had killed one of his previous partners, surely you’d get out the big guns, no? Hire a private investigator? Distance yourself from said boyfriend? Possibly write down your suspicions and send them to a lawyer in case you DISSAPEAR? Maybe it’s just the murderino in me talking but I certainly wouldn’t confront My-Boyfriend-The-Murderer about his crimes.

Bad move, Beck. Bad move.

Why are absolutely none of Benji’s rich and entitled friends/family searching for him or wondering where he is?

Sure, he’s a douche bag but he’s also a missing and rich douche bag who didn’t come back from a suspicious business meeting. The fact that his gourmet soda business partner (insert exasperated face here) doesn’t follow up as to where he’s gone and he never returns to work again is unbelievable.  

The devil works hard but Goldberg works harder.

Why doesn’t anyone purchase some goddamn curtains?

Look. I get that student accommodation can be expensive but at least invest in some sort of privacy. A pretty young woman living at street level with no curtains and a window wide open in an urban metropolis where crime is prevalent is lunacy. Then again, my friend Verity (who runs the Cosy Reading Nest blog so check that out) explained to me that the book portrays Beck as an exhibitionist so that’s probably why she doesn’t care if any mad person can look through her windows night or day.

Fair dos but as the ladies of the Podcast hit ‘My Favorite Murder’ say “stay sexy and don’t get murdered” and that’s some pretty sound advice to live by.

Can we talk about the Dickens Festival scene?

Absolutely. Excruciating. You’re being made to dress up like literary characters from one of the worst periods in history? When children had to slave away in workshops? When there were barely any rights for women or any person of colour? (Also as a sidebar: Beck buys her costume from Victoria’s Secret. To wear outside? For a meet up with her dad? And his new family? Isn’t he meant to be dead?). 

Don’t even get me started on Joe’s lame excuse as to why he’s there (clearly doing a bit of much needed stalking) but as usual, she just buys his ridiculous explanation.

So help me God.

The weekend away of death

So you’re going on a quiet retreat with your best friend who’s secretly in love with you to her remote country manor miles away from civilization?

What could possibly go wrong?

Everything. Everything could and as it happens, everything does. I mean Peach isn’t exactly the nicest of people. She’s also been stalking her friend for years. Then we get Joe turning up, hallucinating, pissing in jars and just generally being a super creep. He manages to commit another murder and it is all so very exhausting.

Can we take a moment to just focus on John Stamos

He’s back, he’s (I’ll assume) a licensed therapist and he’s smoking weed in his office whilst wearing a questionable earring and reclining in a premium leather chair. As it also turns out, he’s not above abusing client trust by having an affair with Beck. Why? Because problems, ok. Beck’s got problems. She doesn’t want to be murdered but alas she’s having a helluva time proving otherwise to Joe.

The dark, dark humour

There is some real comedic timing in this show. From Joe lamenting on the state of his generation while trying to find a way of disposing of his latest victim to Joe shouting down the phone at Beck about “mixed messages” in the midst of trying to burn Benji’s body before being discovered by hikers. The laughs just keep coming.  

The inexplicable prevalence of typewriters

Where are they all coming from? How many does Joe have? How many does Beck have? Why bother stealing a laptop when you’ve got oily and heavy machinery to work with? Did the person who worked on the set design for this show have a fetish for typewriters or is it just assumed that this is the preferred device from which to write?

How can anyone ‘live their most amazing life’ as they constantly throw away their drafts with numerous mistakes because they’re working on civilization’s original laptop?

Joe Goldberg

In essence, ‘You’ is all about Joe and how he believes that the regular rules do not apply to him. He’s the charismatic, flawed sociopath that people love to hate and manages to re-create himself over and over again as a romantic hero, a saviour and ultimately a monster. That and the fact he’s so very pretty is probably why people have so many conflicting feelings about ‘You’. Whatever happens in season 2 (and I imagine it will be extremely unpleasant) we need to remember that the key thing about Joe Goldberg is this: he’s incredibly good at being extremely awful.

The last time this blog got an update, it was the year 2017 and I was in the midst of drafting my Masters degree dissertation for the final deadline. The summer was long, my days were taken up watching reality TV, reading academic journals and screaming into lukewarm coffee while spending countless hours in the library.

Since then readers, time has moved swiftly on and now I have not only passed my degree but have a nice, fancy certificate back home on my parent’s mantlepiece.

Although I enjoyed studying, it meant less time to focus on A Guide to Life and I’ve missed writing about the weird and wonderful. So I’ve resolved to get back on that metaphorical horse and start up the blog again.

A lot has changed in a year and a half since my last update so let me make like Craig David and ‘fill you in’.

I moved to another country.

That’s right. I’m Canada’s problem now. I decided that a change was in order so packed up my stuff and journeyed to North America. After landing in Calgary (let me tell you that this was such a mistake in January), I soon realised that I didn’t want to wear 15 layers of thermals whenever I stepped outside so I flew to the warmer climes of Vancouver.

I got a new job.

More money and good benefits? Why yes. I will take both thank you.

I took a creative writing course.

Sometimes you’ve got to get back into the habit of writing and there’s no better way to do that then with a group of people who have the same goal.

So what have I learnt?

Leaving everything behind to go abroad to a new place is terrifying.

I was shaking at the airport, weeping on the plane and just a bit of a mess the first few weeks after landing. I’ve discovered that i’m pretty resilient.

As a British person, people will either love your accent or be unable to work out where you’re from. Prepare for some wild, wild guesses.

Sure, I can pretend to be Swedish and I’ve got no problem with being misidentified as Australian but I am from the UK and yes, I do drink tea. Lots and lots of tea.

During the royal wedding mania of 2018, my coworkers and landlady automatically assumed that I (being the only English person in the office) was somehow the authority on the Meghan Markle/Prince Harry nuptials.

Surprise, surprise - I absolutely wasn’t. I find it difficult to understand what’s happening most of the time but to expect me to know every detail about the royal family? No, I’m sorry but you have come to the wrong person.

The wildlife situation is incomprehensible.

How have the Canadians survived this long? Skunks running amok late at night, raccoons with their fully functioning thumbs opening trash cans, bears taking up home in the average Joe’s backyard. Peril at every turn. It’s unreal.  

Despite being remarkably close to the US border, I’m not as scared of impending nuclear disaster as I thought I was.

I was imagining all kinds of crisis and possible warfare with Trump’s administration on the loose. As it turns out, the US aren’t that bothered with the North. I mean, Saudi Arabia and China aren’t too pleased with Canada right now but, as my mother says, you can’t please everyone.

A year later, I still have no idea what is going on with Brexit.

Don’t even ask. I have a friend who works for a government think-tank and deals with this shit daily. Even she’s at a loss.

That becoming addicted to Netflix is an inevitability here.

Great shows, no plans for the weekend and cold weather meaning that you DON’T want to venture outside? Well, that surely is a recipe for a Netflix binge. I have become inextricably drawn into some great and not-so-great television. Prime material for blogging.