The angels are here !

i just think of that but. you ever have to look in the mirror to realize your body has lines? i dont like looking in the mirror cuz the body doesnt feel mine, but also without my reflection i cant rly ground myself. i feel like my existence is stretched around the room, like my skin is blurry, or like im a cloud. yeah, like im a big cloud with a slightly-denser-but-still-not-solid core. i'll be laying in my room and realizing i cant feel my legs, like theyre just dead weight attached to me. i have mixed feelings about looking at photos and videos of myself, because its not rly me, i dont know them, but also its me and i actually exist as a real presence, woah. idk man ive been feeling dumbed down those days

picked up a book I've been meaning to keep reading for a few days. and. it's dog-eared to a few pages further than i remember. i swear i always used bookmarks like a normal respectful person. who the fuck is dog-earing my books. they didn't even read much

i know we all pretend to hate those brainrot games and doomscrolling and all that, but its actually a great thing for folx going through ptsd flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, pain flare-ups, abusive households where being alone with your thoughts is not optional, and so on. if i was forced to "sit with my feelings", to be left alone with my own brain and some useless slow-minded puzzle while my teeth are actively trying to escape my jaws or I'm actively thinking of suicide, I actually wouldn't be here right now

just a few days ago thought, "my neck and jaw are almost not acting up all day, maybe the whole issue is finally passing 2+ months later?" and now yesterday and today i cant lay or sit without it clicking, crunching or pinching. again. im tired. i cant live here. my other side of the jaw has got puffy too. when i tried to bring it up to mom a month ago and asked if we could check it at a hospital, because my jaw has been srsly hurting that day and i was panicking in tears, she reminded me first thing that a scan costs 4 thousands and maybe i could try waiting it out. then she goes to buy groceries for her drunk friends party that cost over 8 thousands. she doesnt love me. who am i kidding. i know i was never meant to live this long. im hoping just for another 10 years.

I found a fucking anthill in the corner of our main hallway, right near the front door. Bitch, so that's why I kept finding ant queens in the same spot there. Kill them.

Another chicken died today, outside. Probably not from infection, it seems. Mom expects me to bag her up like the last time. Like hell I can, I think I'll actually throw up if I touch it. I directly told her I won't do it. I told her hours ago about the chicken, why the fuck haven't you done something before you left to your friends. "How do you expect to live in a village!" I had NO fucking say in it? We've lived in a city my whole life, I have no idea why y'all suddenly got so interested in moving here. Also, you cannot be talking when you literally get nauseous from a little bug or complain about getting "exhausted" after one planted flower. At least I can clean up after cats or pick up most bugs without whining or getting physically bothered, fuck off.

I envy people who have dumb or not-deep thoughts while showering. 💀 Tonight I've thought of how I'm actually reciprosexual—maybe, I haven't thought too much about a label—and I do not experience sexual attraction first, if at all, and I'm hypersexual simply because I'm anhedoniac and the arousal is a physiological response that is a quick and better option than the life-consuming boredom. I don't actually like porn! I really prefer romantic or action books. Oh, and my (auto)biastophilia is directly connected to touch-starvation. Nope, I won't elaborate.