The angels are here ! @thegalvanizedstaff - Tumblr Blog

i just think of that but. you ever have to look in the mirror to realize your body has lines? i dont like looking in the mirror cuz the body doesnt feel mine, but also without my reflection i cant rly ground myself. i feel like my existence is stretched around the room, like my skin is blurry, or like im a cloud. yeah, like im a big cloud with a slightly-denser-but-still-not-solid core. i'll be laying in my room and realizing i cant feel my legs, like theyre just dead weight attached to me. i have mixed feelings about looking at photos and videos of myself, because its not rly me, i dont know them, but also its me and i actually exist as a real presence, woah. idk man ive been feeling dumbed down those days

#cant have body dysphoria if theres nothing to be dysphoric about #traumagenic system #dissociative system #actually dissociative #dpdr #cptsd #complex ptsd

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seeing very popular blogs say the dumbest misinformed bullshit and having to force myself to just step away and mutter to myself that one or few people isn't the end of the world even if they're popular... EVEN if they're popular... please. off-internet world save me.

wdym youre pro kink but anti para. wdym “objectum and objectophilia is not the same”, the fuck its not. wdym “paraphilias = fetishes”; where do u think the kink came from. if kink was not related to “fetishes”, then everyone could just. idk have vanilla sex n never think of it again. cuz they could cum and enjoy sex without their "kinks", lmao. do you think kink means, normal but slightly weird attraction? wow

#pro para #pro fiction #pro kink #paraphile community

picked up a book I've been meaning to keep reading for a few days. and. it's dog-eared to a few pages further than i remember. i swear i always used bookmarks like a normal respectful person. who the fuck is dog-earing my books. they didn't even read much

#system blog #plurality #plural community #plural shitpost

i know we all pretend to hate those brainrot games and doomscrolling and all that, but its actually a great thing for folx going through ptsd flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, pain flare-ups, abusive households where being alone with your thoughts is not optional, and so on. if i was forced to "sit with my feelings", to be left alone with my own brain and some useless slow-minded puzzle while my teeth are actively trying to escape my jaws or I'm actively thinking of suicide, I actually wouldn't be here right now

#the golden middle is something you have to achieve yourself ☝#im honestly glad we have brainrot n (somewhat) good painkillers #back in the day people just overworked or killed themselves. or others killed them for being ill #disabled #disability #actually mentally ill #actually cptsd #neurodivergent

just a few days ago thought, "my neck and jaw are almost not acting up all day, maybe the whole issue is finally passing 2+ months later?" and now yesterday and today i cant lay or sit without it clicking, crunching or pinching. again. im tired. i cant live here. my other side of the jaw has got puffy too. when i tried to bring it up to mom a month ago and asked if we could check it at a hospital, because my jaw has been srsly hurting that day and i was panicking in tears, she reminded me first thing that a scan costs 4 thousands and maybe i could try waiting it out. then she goes to buy groceries for her drunk friends party that cost over 8 thousands. she doesnt love me. who am i kidding. i know i was never meant to live this long. im hoping just for another 10 years.

#arden vents

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home-made rainbow to ur service

#rainbow #aesthetic

remember that your art is for you.

you can draw and write whatever and however you want. you can do only sketches and no coloring. you can do art only from waist or shoulders up. you can draw messily, do chicken scratches, do random brushes that barely make out a hand. etc. you can write only dialogues and no action, chatfics, small 500-word one shots. you can start sentences only with "And"/"But" and have so much water that there is almost no dialogues. you can write with no capital letters at all. etc.

I often think, "aw man, I can't draw backgrounds or complicated body positions or angles :( I don't draw other characters often :(", and then I remember, "who the fuck cares, I'm making it for myself", and I happily go to sketch a shoulder-up shot of a character that I've already drawn 5 times. or I think, "I always include too much background and yapping, readers would get bored", but like. I'm the first and last one to read my own works.

you can learn and such, but remember that the learning is for you, too. if you don't or you do want to learn more, literally no one else deals with it but you. your art and writing is enough, if it's enough for you.

#like yeah. you can WANT to get feedback. its literally in ur nature to want socializing #but therell always be ppl wholl react with ten fire emojis even if you just post a shitty sketch / quote on a toilet paper #those people are friends. you have to have friends before you have fans. they love you unconditionally unlike social media #art community #artists on tumblr #artists of tumblr #art #writing community

y'know that "something died in me that day" phrase when talking about trauma? that's so funny when paired with plurality.

like. yeah. something died in me. but it hasn't stayed dead for long, you see!

#thought of this when thinking of Frances. a factive of our deceased childhood cat #// especially if the trauma is about losing a person. and then you get a factive of them. they literally get reborn in you #poetic much? lmao #plurality #traumagenic system #actually traumagenic #system shitpost #dissociative system #disordered system #plural community #system community

I found a fucking anthill in the corner of our main hallway, right near the front door. Bitch, so that's why I kept finding ant queens in the same spot there. Kill them.

#anti ant #half joking #I MISS WINTER WHY ARE THEY HERE!!!!!

wrote a self-indulgent one-shot cuz I couldn't sleep <3 it has some mentions and discussions of suicidal ideation and mental health issues, but it's not detailed.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/86616741

#teablin teashop #green tea teablin #ao3 #ao3 fanfic #writing community #writeblr #writers on tumblr #ao3 writer #writing #fluff fic

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Another chicken died today, outside. Probably not from infection, it seems. Mom expects me to bag her up like the last time. Like hell I can, I think I'll actually throw up if I touch it. I directly told her I won't do it. I told her hours ago about the chicken, why the fuck haven't you done something before you left to your friends. "How do you expect to live in a village!" I had NO fucking say in it? We've lived in a city my whole life, I have no idea why y'all suddenly got so interested in moving here. Also, you cannot be talking when you literally get nauseous from a little bug or complain about getting "exhausted" after one planted flower. At least I can clean up after cats or pick up most bugs without whining or getting physically bothered, fuck off.

#guess our chickens are getting cannibalistic. ive already seen them eat feathers off the corpse #last time i got lightheaded and dissociated for the rest of the day!!! im not risking my wellbeing bcs YOU cant take care of animals #arden vents #tw death

thegalvanizedstaff

You know what I grieve the most about my first school years? The lack of love I gave and experienced. I was calm and polite, but god, I could be so much more. I know I was capable of love even then, but instead I looked at my classmates, saw their heartfulness, and thought, "They're better off without me. I don't belong here." Who told me? Who hurt me? Why did everyone saw a lone, screen-addicted girl, and thought, "She's just introverted. She's just not a people person. She's just being difficult." I needed someone to hold my hand and say, "You need to love people loudly and unapologetically. People are not as bad as you think", instead of, "Why can't you just be normal?"

I want to grab my younger self by shoulders and tell him that, it's fine to love without reciprocation! It's fine to talk and talk! It's fine to take your time! It's fine that your "home" is quiet and dark, you could go out and make yourself the sun! But now I'm the cloud, just passing by and blocking the sunlight to everyone's annoyance.

It really, wholly FUCKS you over to be alone and isolated, to force yourself to stay away in fear of rejection.

thegalvanizedstaff

My positive first-school memories:

Nikita, the class clown, handing me his phone while we have PE. He did it without any jokes, seemed stiff but more trusting of me than others. He told me I could play the games on it, if I wanted. I remember playing Pou on it for some time (the only game I remember, but I'm sure it had more games). While he was one of the class clowns, he was often ridiculed and ignored by others, even though I knew he was capable of seriousness/honesty and that he was kind deep down. I saw him trusting me, once.

Ksyusha, the straight-A student, was crying over something just after our classes were over—I think, it was a failed grade or something? I tried to comfort her, pat her shoulder, told her it's not that bad, she's still one of the best (I actually don't remember my words, but I'm sure it was something light and supportive of that kind). She wiped her tears and hugged me, saying, "Thank you, [full name]*. You are a good friend."

Mira and I were being driven by her mother. I think it was after a birthday party or whatever, some important fun event. I asked her, hesitantly, "We are friends, right?" She looked at me, "Of course we are. Why are you asking?"

I confessed to Vitaly through a note. He returned it to me with a response written down on the same note, saying it was mutual. (I don't remember the note or its content, only the fact that it was not discused outloud). He took me behind the corner and hugged me for some time, just holding me without any words. We never mentioned it again.

Kostya, the teacher's son, was standing with me near the school's gates, waiting for a bus. He was joking around, pretended to talk to God and make jokes about Him being on the toilet as we speak and such. I don't remember the jokes, but I remember me giggling as he speaks, and thinking, "This is nice."

Lyuba, the granddaughter of the owner of the store at the corner that was frequently visited by our class for baked goods, was holding my head back. We were just standing, hands circled around each other's faces, or hugging each other and such, giggling and pretending to act all serious. It was brushed off as fooling around, but I still remember the warmth.

#* no one ever called me by full name. as a kid. as a teen. said it was too long. it was such a shock to hear my full name and not a nickname #childhood memories #childhood nostalgia #memories #nostalgia #arden vents

You know what I grieve the most about my first school years? The lack of love I gave and experienced. I was calm and polite, but god, I could be so much more. I know I was capable of love even then, but instead I looked at my classmates, saw their heartfulness, and thought, "They're better off without me. I don't belong here." Who told me? Who hurt me? Why did everyone saw a lone, screen-addicted girl, and thought, "She's just introverted. She's just not a people person. She's just being difficult." I needed someone to hold my hand and say, "You need to love people loudly and unapologetically. People are not as bad as you think", instead of, "Why can't you just be normal?"

I want to grab my younger self by shoulders and tell him that, it's fine to love without reciprocation! It's fine to talk and talk! It's fine to take your time! It's fine that your "home" is quiet and dark, you could go out and make yourself the sun! But now I'm the cloud, just passing by and blocking the sunlight to everyone's annoyance.

It really, wholly FUCKS you over to be alone and isolated, to force yourself to stay away in fear of rejection.

#arden vents #vent #childhood trauma #cptsd #actually cptsd

I envy people who have dumb or not-deep thoughts while showering. 💀 Tonight I've thought of how I'm actually reciprosexual—maybe, I haven't thought too much about a label—and I do not experience sexual attraction first, if at all, and I'm hypersexual simply because I'm anhedoniac and the arousal is a physiological response that is a quick and better option than the life-consuming boredom. I don't actually like porn! I really prefer romantic or action books. Oh, and my (auto)biastophilia is directly connected to touch-starvation. Nope, I won't elaborate.

#maybe this is why i just dont fantasize about anyone or anything when jerking off #whats there to fantasize about when im not genuinely attracted to anyone or anything lol #i always got surprised when i hear ppl ACTUALLY fantasize while doing it. like. huh? you do that?#i only rly LIKE smut (not as masturbation content) if its something heartfelt. yknow #paraphile community #op is a paraphile #asexual #asexuality #acespec #hypersexuality

sunset and night sky together <3

#need to get starlight too. the trio #teablin teashop #chaggebi #sunset teablin #night sky teablin

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thegalvanizedstaff

writing the Player to be plural, and they will have a lazy brainmade Host, but with introjects of Teablins who are motivation holders and caretakers, and who frequently front because of always being around Teablins. I'm cooking asf. 🔥 but, if Teablins are real in their world, wouldn't that be a factive then? lol

thegalvanizedstaff

Green Tea introject, named Leaf, would be a secondary host who primarily runs the teashop.

Black Tea introject, named Red, would be a playmate who fronts usually to play with Teablins.

If Leaf is fronting around Black Tea? Oh, the player would get all cranky, zoned out, and most likely have a headache. Leaf would try to leave front (zoning out), or zey'll get irritable that zey have to be around Black Tea (headache).

If Red fronts around Green Tea, (as far as I know the canon rivalry is one-sided), so I think the player would have a weird sense of dejavu around zem, but not much hostility, and they& can brush it off as just feeling sentimental or such.

If Red and Leaf co-front? The player would feel stiff, restless and out of place. Definitely have a headache, dissociation in waves. Sometimes feel hatred or annoyance at "themselves&", but it's... not quite at their& self? Lol.

#for context. Green Tea is envious of Black Tea in game and calls xem zeir rival #teablin teashop #writing community #plurality #plural community

writing the Player to be plural, and they will have a lazy brainmade Host, but with introjects of Teablins who are motivation holders and caretakers, and who frequently front because of always being around Teablins. I'm cooking asf. 🔥 but, if Teablins are real in their world, wouldn't that be a factive then? lol

#im writing down basic info for their sys. and. i think im accidentally making it syskid heavy #teablin teashop #writing community #plurality

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