The angels are here !

i dont remember ever seeing anyone talk about it, but you shouldn't tell your abusers "important" / "personal" information (whether it be about your mental or physical health, or just random thoughts you had that seem valuable to you), even if they're the only "trusted" "friends" you got. even if you literally do not have anyone else irl. it feels rly fucking lonely and desperate for acknowledgement of your pain, of your self. maybe you feel like the past and the time do not exist, you live only in the present moment, and your abusers seem safe right now, i get it, but do not be fooled — they will use it against you later. do not trust them because you are lonely. you will be hurt. the moment of brief connection is not worth the later manipulation and pain, you will regret it. there are better options than drinking long-acting poison.

just noticed my right jaw joint (the one thats been clicking for the last 2 months) is swollen. its a bit more bulbous? im panicking. bones arent supposed to get swollen. im terrified. i got outside to calm myself down, to not feel locked in, and then i realized the wind feels like through a layer of wrapper, soft and distant. god i cant even ground myself from this anxiety, because my regular mood is dissociative already. now im calming down a little, half an hour later, but. this is so fucking scary. i still wanna cry. i keep wanting to compulsively touch my jaw. my plan is to wait until july, when my dad leaves again and my mom's bday (28th June) passes, and then i demand a medical check, but for now... i can only wait. i hate waiting. my worst fear is that i will suddenly die from the infection during thw waiting, like in those stories where someone randomly dies in a few days cuz their health issue seemed mild and they didnt check it in time. i dont want to die. i dont want to live in this state. i have so many dreams... jeeez, im rly fucked up, huh. my parents will fight, watch me, and get wasted while im waiting too. so much stress, so much worry. only God can pray for how much longer I can hold my shit together. i want to kill myself before my body does!!

seen even both sides complain abt it, but yeah, you wonder why syscourse is in CDD tags so much? 💀 you say CDDs are defined by alters and is why endos are specifically faking CDDs (nope), and then you define the validness of your disorder by how much hate you can pile onto the other side, and then you fakeclaim, reject and define other cdd systems' validness by whether they're anti-endo or even -neutral. that's not healthy or safe for a community, even though you claim that endos are the ones who encourage unhealthy mechanisms... lol

i just think of that but. you ever have to look in the mirror to realize your body has lines? i dont like looking in the mirror cuz the body doesnt feel mine, but also without my reflection i cant rly ground myself. i feel like my existence is stretched around the room, like my skin is blurry, or like im a cloud. yeah, like im a big cloud with a slightly-denser-but-still-not-solid core. i'll be laying in my room and realizing i cant feel my legs, like theyre just dead weight attached to me. i have mixed feelings about looking at photos and videos of myself, because its not rly me, i dont know them, but also its me and i actually exist as a real presence, woah. idk man ive been feeling dumbed down those days

picked up a book I've been meaning to keep reading for a few days. and. it's dog-eared to a few pages further than i remember. i swear i always used bookmarks like a normal respectful person. who the fuck is dog-earing my books. they didn't even read much

i know we all pretend to hate those brainrot games and doomscrolling and all that, but its actually a great thing for folx going through ptsd flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, pain flare-ups, abusive households where being alone with your thoughts is not optional, and so on. if i was forced to "sit with my feelings", to be left alone with my own brain and some useless slow-minded puzzle while my teeth are actively trying to escape my jaws or I'm actively thinking of suicide, I actually wouldn't be here right now

just a few days ago thought, "my neck and jaw are almost not acting up all day, maybe the whole issue is finally passing 2+ months later?" and now yesterday and today i cant lay or sit without it clicking, crunching or pinching. again. im tired. i cant live here. my other side of the jaw has got puffy too. when i tried to bring it up to mom a month ago and asked if we could check it at a hospital, because my jaw has been srsly hurting that day and i was panicking in tears, she reminded me first thing that a scan costs 4 thousands and maybe i could try waiting it out. then she goes to buy groceries for her drunk friends party that cost over 8 thousands. she doesnt love me. who am i kidding. i know i was never meant to live this long. im hoping just for another 10 years.

I found a fucking anthill in the corner of our main hallway, right near the front door. Bitch, so that's why I kept finding ant queens in the same spot there. Kill them.

Another chicken died today, outside. Probably not from infection, it seems. Mom expects me to bag her up like the last time. Like hell I can, I think I'll actually throw up if I touch it. I directly told her I won't do it. I told her hours ago about the chicken, why the fuck haven't you done something before you left to your friends. "How do you expect to live in a village!" I had NO fucking say in it? We've lived in a city my whole life, I have no idea why y'all suddenly got so interested in moving here. Also, you cannot be talking when you literally get nauseous from a little bug or complain about getting "exhausted" after one planted flower. At least I can clean up after cats or pick up most bugs without whining or getting physically bothered, fuck off.