祝日 / Permanent Vacation
AnasAbdin
noise dept.
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
trying on a metaphor
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
Product Placement
occasionally subtle
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
YOU ARE THE REASON
almost home
NASA
roma★
taylor price
RMH
Peter Solarz
i don't do bad sauce passes
d e v o n
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from Türkiye
seen from Bangladesh
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Romania
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from Colombia
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from Brazil
seen from Türkiye
@thegalvanizedstaff
picked up a book I've been meaning to keep reading for a few days. and. it's dog-eared to a few pages further than i remember. i swear i always used bookmarks like a normal respectful person. who the fuck is dog-earing my books. they didn't even read much
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i know we all pretend to hate those brainrot games and doomscrolling and all that, but its actually a great thing for folx going through ptsd flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, pain flare-ups, abusive households where being alone with your thoughts is not optional, and so on. if i was forced to "sit with my feelings", to be left alone with my own brain and some useless slow-minded puzzle while my teeth are actively trying to escape my jaws or I'm actively thinking of suicide, I actually wouldn't be here right now
just a few days ago thought, "my neck and jaw are almost not acting up all day, maybe the whole issue is finally passing 2+ months later?" and now yesterday and today i cant lay or sit without it clicking, crunching or pinching. again. im tired. i cant live here. my other side of the jaw has got puffy too. when i tried to bring it up to mom a month ago and asked if we could check it at a hospital, because my jaw has been srsly hurting that day and i was panicking in tears, she reminded me first thing that a scan costs 4 thousands and maybe i could try waiting it out. then she goes to buy groceries for her drunk friends party that cost over 8 thousands. she doesnt love me. who am i kidding. i know i was never meant to live this long. im hoping just for another 10 years.
home-made rainbow to ur service
remember that your art is for you.
you can draw and write whatever and however you want. you can do only sketches and no coloring. you can do art only from waist or shoulders up. you can draw messily, do chicken scratches, do random brushes that barely make out a hand. etc. you can write only dialogues and no action, chatfics, small 500-word one shots. you can start sentences only with "And"/"But" and have so much water that there is almost no dialogues. you can write with no capital letters at all. etc.
I often think, "aw man, I can't draw backgrounds or complicated body positions or angles :( I don't draw other characters often :(", and then I remember, "who the fuck cares, I'm making it for myself", and I happily go to sketch a shoulder-up shot of a character that I've already drawn 5 times. or I think, "I always include too much background and yapping, readers would get bored", but like. I'm the first and last one to read my own works.
you can learn and such, but remember that the learning is for you, too. if you don't or you do want to learn more, literally no one else deals with it but you. your art and writing is enough, if it's enough for you.
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y'know that "something died in me that day" phrase when talking about trauma? that's so funny when paired with plurality.
like. yeah. something died in me. but it hasn't stayed dead for long, you see!
I found a fucking anthill in the corner of our main hallway, right near the front door. Bitch, so that's why I kept finding ant queens in the same spot there. Kill them.
wrote a self-indulgent one-shot cuz I couldn't sleep <3 it has some mentions and discussions of suicidal ideation and mental health issues, but it's not detailed.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/86616741
Another chicken died today, outside. Probably not from infection, it seems. Mom expects me to bag her up like the last time. Like hell I can, I think I'll actually throw up if I touch it. I directly told her I won't do it. I told her hours ago about the chicken, why the fuck haven't you done something before you left to your friends. "How do you expect to live in a village!" I had NO fucking say in it? We've lived in a city my whole life, I have no idea why y'all suddenly got so interested in moving here. Also, you cannot be talking when you literally get nauseous from a little bug or complain about getting "exhausted" after one planted flower. At least I can clean up after cats or pick up most bugs without whining or getting physically bothered, fuck off.
You know what I grieve the most about my first school years? The lack of love I gave and experienced. I was calm and polite, but god, I could be so much more. I know I was capable of love even then, but instead I looked at my classmates, saw their heartfulness, and thought, "They're better off without me. I don't belong here." Who told me? Who hurt me? Why did everyone saw a lone, screen-addicted girl, and thought, "She's just introverted. She's just not a people person. She's just being difficult." I needed someone to hold my hand and say, "You need to love people loudly and unapologetically. People are not as bad as you think", instead of, "Why can't you just be normal?"
I want to grab my younger self by shoulders and tell him that, it's fine to love without reciprocation! It's fine to talk and talk! It's fine to take your time! It's fine that your "home" is quiet and dark, you could go out and make yourself the sun! But now I'm the cloud, just passing by and blocking the sunlight to everyone's annoyance.
It really, wholly FUCKS you over to be alone and isolated, to force yourself to stay away in fear of rejection.
My positive first-school memories:
Nikita, the class clown, handing me his phone while we have PE. He did it without any jokes, seemed stiff but more trusting of me than others. He told me I could play the games on it, if I wanted. I remember playing Pou on it for some time (the only game I remember, but I'm sure it had more games). While he was one of the class clowns, he was often ridiculed and ignored by others, even though I knew he was capable of seriousness/honesty and that he was kind deep down. I saw him trusting me, once.
Ksyusha, the straight-A student, was crying over something just after our classes were over—I think, it was a failed grade or something? I tried to comfort her, pat her shoulder, told her it's not that bad, she's still one of the best (I actually don't remember my words, but I'm sure it was something light and supportive of that kind). She wiped her tears and hugged me, saying, "Thank you, [full name]*. You are a good friend."
Mira and I were being driven by her mother. I think it was after a birthday party or whatever, some important fun event. I asked her, hesitantly, "We are friends, right?" She looked at me, "Of course we are. Why are you asking?"
I confessed to Vitaly through a note. He returned it to me with a response written down on the same note, saying it was mutual. (I don't remember the note or its content, only the fact that it was not discused outloud). He took me behind the corner and hugged me for some time, just holding me without any words. We never mentioned it again.
Kostya, the teacher's son, was standing with me near the school's gates, waiting for a bus. He was joking around, pretended to talk to God and make jokes about Him being on the toilet as we speak and such. I don't remember the jokes, but I remember me giggling as he speaks, and thinking, "This is nice."
Lyuba, the granddaughter of the owner of the store at the corner that was frequently visited by our class for baked goods, was holding my head back. We were just standing, hands circled around each other's faces, or hugging each other and such, giggling and pretending to act all serious. It was brushed off as fooling around, but I still remember the warmth.
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You know what I grieve the most about my first school years? The lack of love I gave and experienced. I was calm and polite, but god, I could be so much more. I know I was capable of love even then, but instead I looked at my classmates, saw their heartfulness, and thought, "They're better off without me. I don't belong here." Who told me? Who hurt me? Why did everyone saw a lone, screen-addicted girl, and thought, "She's just introverted. She's just not a people person. She's just being difficult." I needed someone to hold my hand and say, "You need to love people loudly and unapologetically. People are not as bad as you think", instead of, "Why can't you just be normal?"
I want to grab my younger self by shoulders and tell him that, it's fine to love without reciprocation! It's fine to talk and talk! It's fine to take your time! It's fine that your "home" is quiet and dark, you could go out and make yourself the sun! But now I'm the cloud, just passing by and blocking the sunlight to everyone's annoyance.
It really, wholly FUCKS you over to be alone and isolated, to force yourself to stay away in fear of rejection.
I envy people who have dumb or not-deep thoughts while showering. 💀 Tonight I've thought of how I'm actually reciprosexual—maybe, I haven't thought too much about a label—and I do not experience sexual attraction first, if at all, and I'm hypersexual simply because I'm anhedoniac and the arousal is a physiological response that is a quick and better option than the life-consuming boredom. I don't actually like porn! I really prefer romantic or action books. Oh, and my (auto)biastophilia is directly connected to touch-starvation. Nope, I won't elaborate.
sunset and night sky together <3
writing the Player to be plural, and they will have a lazy brainmade Host, but with introjects of Teablins who are motivation holders and caretakers, and who frequently front because of always being around Teablins. I'm cooking asf. 🔥 but, if Teablins are real in their world, wouldn't that be a factive then? lol
Green Tea introject, named Leaf, would be a secondary host who primarily runs the teashop.
Black Tea introject, named Red, would be a playmate who fronts usually to play with Teablins.
If Leaf is fronting around Black Tea? Oh, the player would get all cranky, zoned out, and most likely have a headache. Leaf would try to leave front (zoning out), or zey'll get irritable that zey have to be around Black Tea (headache).
If Red fronts around Green Tea, (as far as I know the canon rivalry is one-sided), so I think the player would have a weird sense of dejavu around zem, but not much hostility, and they& can brush it off as just feeling sentimental or such.
If Red and Leaf co-front? The player would feel stiff, restless and out of place. Definitely have a headache, dissociation in waves. Sometimes feel hatred or annoyance at "themselves&", but it's... not quite at their& self? Lol.
writing the Player to be plural, and they will have a lazy brainmade Host, but with introjects of Teablins who are motivation holders and caretakers, and who frequently front because of always being around Teablins. I'm cooking asf. 🔥 but, if Teablins are real in their world, wouldn't that be a factive then? lol
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I wonder if all the TT fans are just on other platforms, where TT has official accounts (Instagram, Twitter), and is why I don't find any fans here. I don't have any of those, only Tumblr and Telegram. Insta is not available in my country, and I don't hate myself that much to get Twitter. I wish more TT fans spreaded onto other platforms, ughh. 💔
you rly feel that under-presentation for PTSD when talking about uncommon triggers, now I think. 💀 it's Common to have specific / "unusual" triggers related to your trauma. of course, it's weird to go around and expect people to put TWs for things that are considered normal / non-triggering, but I'm sick of people going in response, "Who would even get triggered by that? You're the only weirdo here." no, actually I'm pretty sure there is at least 5 people with that trigger.
where do you think hypervigilance, random dissociative episodes and mood swings come from in PTSD? often from the fact that we have specific triggers that we cannot quite avoid, because it's a regular thing in daily life, or because we don't even know what's the exact trigger is, how to describe it to avoid it. or that the trigger is a Specific Situation, so while you can avoid "TW abuse" labeled stuff or such, you can't know if the abuse is similar to your experience or not. sometimes you get triggered, sometimes you don't.
you know what's my weird indescribable trigger is? when you're excited to have a good time or you are having a good time, but it goes really fucking wrong and upsetting cuz of a small unimportant thing. nothing UPSETS me like seeing / hearing someone expect to have fun, and then something fucks up and they are not having fun. it happened to me repeatedly that I'll go from "yay I'm spending time with both my parents <3" to "why do y'all always have to fucking argue over smallest things. I don't want to be here anymore." even writing this makes me quite sad and tearful.
or one of my weird triggers is seeing cars irl. like, just normal fucking cars. especially if they're in motion. I associate them with my mother and I always feel watched if there is a car anywhere nearby, even if it's supposedly empty.