SagelessIchor

And the texts are like

I: I wish they could shrink me down really tiny so I could live in your pants and hug your dick the whole day.

This is UNTRUE!!!! If you’re new to Catholicism you HAVE to listen to MEEEEEEEEE. Here’s my advice:

If a person is highly allergic to nuts then there *is* a risk that if their sexual partner eats nuts then they could trigger an allergic reaction via their semen

I am just imagining hook up era texting

Shane: have you eaten any nuts in the past 48 hours?

Ilya: terrible joke about nuts

Shane: you’re awful. Answer the question

Ilya: I had peanut butter this morning??

Shane: so sad. Guess I’ll see you in 7 weeks when we play in MTL

Ilya: ???

Shane: yeahhh… last time I had to take Benadryl for like three days. Thought we’d be alright since we used condoms but probably better not to risk it

Ilya: ???

he gets a text on a night out maybe at all stars with players he doesn't usually talk to, and obviously they know ilya and shane are married and shane stayed back at the hotel instead of joining them

"ahhhh, gotta get home to the old ball and chain soon, huh?"

"what even are you saying to me"

"old lady isn't blowing up your phone?"

"i am married to a man. there is no lady."

"but he's the girl in the relationship, isn't he?"

Ilya always had been a light sleeper, so no matter how lightly they stepped he was awake moments after the first shocked gasp.

Ilya knows it’s over for him. There’s no mistaking that there’s a man asleep on his chest in a clearly non-platonic cuddle. Usually Ilya would be punching the intruder, threatening violence to try and ensure they kept their mouth shut but he has quickly realised something far more important. With the way they are sleeping, Ilya on his underneath on his back and Shane on his stomach on top with his face pressed into the gap between Ilya’s neck and the couch, they can’t see his face.

He quickly pulls Shane’s hood up over his head to hide hair and rests a hand over it to gently discourage Shane from moving it should he start to wake up.

So Ilya just stares down his team and goes “you can be upset, but are going to be fucking quiet about it because if you wake my guest I’m sending all my blackmail on you to your wives, and then start fucking them to help them get over the divorce.”

So the whole “You’re fucking gay!” “No, I’m a fucking bi who is fucking a gay” conversation happens at a furious whisper, with Shane blissfully sleeping on Ilya’s chest as life implodes around him.

Shane may be a deep sleeper - and the argument in whispers - but even he starts to stir at the noise.

Ilya can’t have him moving his face into visibility now, so he just scruffs the back of his neck harshly and pressed him deeper into his shoulder.

Shane lets out a pleased (and not at all quiet) moan, and - worried that he is going to start talking - Ilya realises he needs to shut him up.

So he glares at the Bears to be quiet, while suddenly putting on the softest voice they have ever heard him use as he goes, “shhh quiet time now mоя любовь. Back to sleep.” And then shoves his fingers into Shane’s mouth.