This here isn't singing I'm just screaming in tune

And the funniest part?

My fiancé, who most notably is not on our favorite hellsite, made a passing comment about how the fact that the book leaned heavily into the Tumblr syntax style made it harder for him to read aloud, because so many things were "written backwards." To which I said, what? And then he re-read the same line he had just read and looked at me, expectantly. To which I said what? again, but louder.

Readers, I had no idea what the fuck this man was talking about.

Apparently, he explained to me far more patiently than I probably deserved, one of the major flags that someone has been around on Tumblr long enough for it to affect their speech patterns is that we love to reverse the order of a sentence and throw in a comma or period as a brief pause for breath, so as to make the second part of the sentence have more of a comedic punch. He said that we've been "yes, and"-ing on the site so long that we've developed entirely around The Bit. He said that while other sites are chasing clout, we're chasing the ha-ha's. He functionally said we're a separate jester genus in the social media taxonomy of the Internet. Tumblr is a clown car and we're driving dangerously with our infinite handkerchiefs and squirting flowers at the ready. Cool, cool. What?

@pangur-and-grim My traitorous soon-to-be-husband went and read ahead (and finished the whole thing without me!!!!), so I forced him at book-point to re-read through the first few chapters and point out the lines that made him say that the book has a Tumblr accent. It includes more than just whichever one made him stop and pause while reading the book aloud, because he said it was something he technically noticed multiple times, but he only ended up commenting on in chapter 3 or 4.

He warns that someone much smarter than him would be able to point out why these lines feel uniquely Tumblr better than he can, because it includes some non-backwards sentence examples, but that when you read them out loud, you can just really tell. He says it felt like the book lost its Tumblr syntax the further along it went-- but also recognizes that it's just much more obvious when read out loud, and he had spirited the book away to read at work, so it may just have gone under his radar the more engrossed he was while reading in his head.

Also, he says he wishes there more of Domitia and that she was "delightful" and he "enjoyed every line of her." I don't know who that is yet, but he absolutely insisted I pass on the message since he has no Tumblr account of his own to speak with. He also really liked "the lady from the wet place that [he] can't describe" (to avoid spoilers). I also don't know who that is, so I really hope he's not just making up people for me to tell you that he liked.

Sorry for the rambling and examples Tumblr-accent lines (according to a non-Tumblr user) below the cut, in case people want to avoid any sneak peeks! But also, they are some really funny lines. Sorted in page order, earliest at pg. 18 and farthest at pg. 40.

#my old phone looks like this on my shelf lmao #im too scared to touch it to throw it away #idk what trash this even goes into when its at this point

The pillow-shaped object here used to be the phone’s battery. It’s not a battery anymore. Now it’s a balloon full of corrosive, pyrophoric chemicals and hydrogen gas and it’s one puncture away from burning your house down. I am 100% serious. You should be scared to touch it.

But you gotta touch it, because you gotta get it out of your house before the pressure builds up to the point where the balloon pops. This isn’t going to happen soon – there is no need to panic – but it will happen eventually.

And, indeed, it doesn’t go in the ordinary trash. You put this in the ordinary trash and you’re gonna set the garbage truck on fire. Don’t do that to the garbage collectors, their job is hard enough already.

The first thing you need to do is get a fireproof container. The most common household item that qualifies as a fireproof container is a cast-iron cookpot with a cast-iron lid – often sold as a “Dutch oven.” Any other cooking container that’s unreactive, has a very high melting point, and has a lid made of the same materials will also work: enameled or stainless steel, Pyrex with glass lid, etc.

However: Do not use a pot with a PTFE-based non-stick coating. If the battery does explode, the fire will probably be hot enough to degrade a PTFE coating, producing toxic smoke. (Not that you should breathe the smoke from the battery fire either, but PTFE breakdown products are worse.) Do not use a pot made of aluminium or copper. The fire might even get hot enough to melt those.

Whatever container you use, you might have to throw away along with the phone, so don’t use your good Dutch oven for this. Go to a thrift store and buy a cheap one.

Once you have the fireproof container:

Gently pick up the phone and put it in the fireproof container. If possible, gently tape the phone to the bottom of the container to prevent it from bouncing around. Don’t put any padding in there, that’ll just make a fire worse if it does happen. Put the lid on and tape it shut.

Put a label on the container, something like “DEFECTIVE LI-ION BATTERY – FIRE HAZARD”.

It is now reasonably safe to move the container around. However, if the battery does explode, the container is very likely to leak smoke and get hot, so keep it in a well-ventilated area and away from things that will be damaged by heat. Don’t leave it exposed to the weather, either.

You need to find either a hazardous waste disposal site, or an e-waste recycler that will accept defective Li-ion batteries. I can’t help with that because I have no idea where you live.

However, your local fire department, if you have one, will probably be happy to help. Call their non-emergency number. Nothing is on fire yet, so this isn’t an emergency, but things that can easily start a fire are still within the fire department’s responsibilities. Tell them you have a phone with a bulging lithium-ion battery, you put it in a fireproof container, and you want to know how to dispose of it safely.

If the fire department tries to tell you this isn’t dangerous or it’s okay to throw it out in the regular trash (with or without fireproof container), hang up on them and write a cranky letter to your local government representatives, then keep looking for a proper disposal site.