This here isn't singing I'm just screaming in tune
@thefandomlifechoseme
assigned Fandom by mutual | 20 | she/they/it | ace | I don't own the images I'm using for my header or profile picture | feel free to say hi 🙃 memes are always welcome! | very sad the title has a character limit, I had to poke at the lyrics | lyrics from Farewell Wanderlust by The Amazing Devil
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Waiting for the gifset of Thimble's flashback from the wedding ring where Thjazi says "I don't agree with any of this" and Hal saying "Just shut up and say thank you" next to this exchange where Bolaire tells Thimble she owns him and if not then she's saying he still belongs to Thjazi by pointing at Hal.
Bonus if it's interspersed with the scenes of Thjazi hurting Julien "for Aranessa" and "for Thimble" to Thaisha and Occtis's detriment
can we talk more about azune (who just recently came to the realization that he is in fact A Person and not A Thing) seeing bolaire’s painting and his reaction to it and asking him “do things dream? can they create?” and then bolaire thanking azune for their conversations and asking if he’ll be the one that takes bolaire back to his apartment. their narrative parallels of “i thought i was perfectly content living my life as An Object until the guy who always treated me as An Object died and then my long lost sister showed up and my life blew up in my face” are so delicious to me, they’re coming at the “learning if they’re even a person and, if so, how the fuck to be one” thing from such different angles but they’re also SO in it together. and of course i haven’t forgotten how azune found out what bolaire was and immediately reached out to touch the mask (to touch Him, not just his vessel) and wanted to try to cast mending on him (to make him Remember what he really is — an object that gets fixed or a person that has to be healed?)
there’s just something about bolaire starting the episode saying he’s more alone than he’s ever been and ending it standing there in his apartment looking at a flip book about the cat that escaped the story that was written for it, made by a young wizard who attributes everything he has to bolaire and didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye, and when brought to tears by it, presumably crying from the eyes of the man who first found out what he really is and instinctively pushed in closer while everyone else, to some extent or another, pulled away.
like, i’m pretty we’ve heard bolaire talk with other people about his own views on his personhood (or lack thereof), but azune is the first who really seems to have his own thoughts on it — he believes bolaire is a person, even if bolaire doesn’t, and he’s started sort of…softly but firmly making it clear that he believes that. azune was shaped by thjazi into the man he is now in so many ways, but where thjazi called bolaire “it” and refused to even look at him, azune reaches out to touch him and insists on looking for signs of personhood where even bolaire himself can’t see them. being shaped by someone doesn’t mean becoming them — in a lot of ways, bolaire was shaped by thjazi too, and they came out of that experience feeling very differently about the man but very similarly about themselves in ways that they’ve now been able to start untangling together: the man who watches other people having moments of closeness and joy from afar and then sits in front of a mirror privately making himself look like the man who was almost his father, and the one watching life through plays and stories and seeing the truth in it but assuming himself to be incapable of being a real participant in that truth and then withdrawing into his mind to privately play out a better version of recent events where his sister loves him and is glad to have him back.
god i’m gonna miss having them at the same table…i need them to be insane about each other forever
there was a really beautiful moment in last nights episode, during bolaire’s breakdown over his sisters’ return. he was spiralling and argumentative and thaisha just…took it all in, cocked her head to the side and asked a devastatingly insightful question point blank. bolaire. are you angry? or scared? and of course bolaire bursts out as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world that it’s both. bolaire is terrified.
and there was this dawning expression of understanding on thaisha’s face. because up until this point all of bolaire’s issues with thaz, all of his snide comments or outright hostility has been seen by the group as the attitude of someone who is angry and bitter and tbh maybe just sort of petty. but i think in this moment thaisha was re contextualizing all of her previous interactions with bolaire and really seeing him for the first time
and her expression softened. she spoke to him with a gentleness that hadn’t been there before. a relatively quiet moment but one that hit me hard and i havent been able to stop thinking about it.
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Thjazi's greatest flaws are reflections of his greatest strengths. He's courageous and passionate, and he spreads that courage and passion to others through the bonds he's forged with them. He's also reckless with more than his own life, whether or not he means to be, and he invests based on people's relationships with him while overlooking their other relationships.
Thjazi neglected to check up on Casimir's status with the Crow Keepers
Thjazi asked both Hal and Aranessa to leave the rest of their families for him
Thjazi simultaneously worked with Azune and the company that separated him from Mayali/stranded him as a child
Julien's significance to people Thjazi cares about didn't factor into the decision(s) to harm and endanger him, threatening others by extension. "By extension" is a concept Thjazi really ought to wrap his dead head around, because his stunt for Thimble, who didn't require Julien's help and previously told him to leave, could have resulted in the deaths of Occtis, Mara, and Alba. Thjazi's disregard for that jerkass knight he's stuck with could have caused some of the most suffering to—of all people—Thjazi's widow, his sister-in-law, and his closest partners
Bolaire, despite hating Thjazi, wouldn't have cut him with the shears, because he has other relationships he wants to preserve. Thjazi discounting this resulted in a punch attempt that would have hurt Misha, not just Bolaire. Feels rather emblematic
The problem with Thjazi viewing his life as a story is that he's the one writing it (so to speak,) and in first person (remember the trailer?) He's not a sick bastard or a blockhead, but all his questionable behavior can't be sorted into the boxes of good strategy, harmless trolling, and self-sacrifice. He died in his 40s, and he's not beating the Peter Pan allegations anytime soon.
teor's last gift to wick being to give him a level 20 in charisma only for wicander to immediately fail every damn charisma check he tried to make at the manor. if he was in a grave, that lion would be rolling in it.
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Since the funeral he has been very tightly coiled. He has thrown himself into helping the schemers and making himself useful and show that he can be trusted. To his detriment. He kept putting off the box I think in part because he wasn't sure he had the resources to deal with it. And as it turns out while getting swept up in the remains of Thjazi's schemes the Schemers adopted as their own, and his own fear he missed his chance to help Termina and/or prepare for Termina.
So finally now we get the pressure becoming too much.
He had a freak out because the life he loved living was over. Thjazi was always a big threat to it and so that loss and Thjazi are entangled in his mind.
Bolaire is facing a lot of conquences at the end of this arc.
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1. Things with Termina went badly. His sibling wants to kill him. And she could. Up until now he's been very casual about his safety because if his body dies he can be put on again. He massively messed up.
2. He missed Hal's play. Getting the theatre and helping Hal has been a huge part of his life he built and he missed it.
3. Hal might want to remain friends, and even trusts him as a co-conspirator, but since confessing what he is Hal doesn't trust him as a person.
4. Teor and Cyd died. He didn't know them, but he deliberately made the choice of team spy because he worried about Wicander and Tyranny's abilities and for the first part of the mission they were completely fine. And when he gets separated from Wick in order to find his sibling who turns on him, Wick murders someone and loses his innocence which Bolaire can perhaps relate to with his line about learning to hate.
5. We know what plowshares are now. He's a plowshare. No one but Mara really acknowledged that, but theoretically if they needed an anchor it could be him. So there's a fear about dehumanizing him and using him as a tool once again. Or the expectation to sacrifice himself.
6. His sibling tried to kill him. Hal doesn't trust him and it can't be the same with him. Demodus is gone. He even says he feels he has no family and before Thjazi brought him into this he did. He had the hope of finding his siblings through the museum. He had Hal's friendship and theatre and family. He feels like he lost it.
6. Thjazi isn't gone. The first time we meet Bolaire he is at Thjazi's hanging and he laughs with relief. It's not just anger or hated. He fears Thjazi. He doesn't want to be under his thumb.
So Bolaire is facing all these things and losing all these things. He is feeling helpless. He's facing consequences of actions he felt were the right thing to do, and as it turns out Thjazi is not facing consequences in death. The person he hates is safe in a shadow.
The person that owed him. Either through blackmail or a more literal sense it doesn't really matter, Bolaire's agency and freewill were cut off after meeting Thjazi.
So that feeling of helplessness and lack of control goes up exponentially.
Of course he's freaking out. Just like how Occtis has a freakout with the seekers about his family and the party's trust in him and all the pressure he's under while facing that he's not alive anymore. Bolaire is emotionally young and is facing his own death essentially. Both the idea of it literally through Termina, but also metaphorically with the Museum Curator. A lot of it isn't about Thjazi at all, but Thjazi is connected to a lot of it which is why Bolaire's outburst is centred on him.
It's not going to be a rational moment. I think some of the PCs pushed up against it because of the mask of Museum Curator Bolaire wore, who is mature, unaffected, and sarcastic and in the moment Bolaire was anything but.
Since the funeral he has been very tightly coiled. He has thrown himself into helping the schemers and making himself useful and show that he can be trusted. To his detriment. He kept putting off the box I think in part because he wasn't sure he had the resources to deal with it. And as it turns out while getting swept up in the remains of Thjazi's schemes the Schemers adopted as their own, and his own fear he missed his chance to help Termina and/or prepare for Termina.
So finally now we get the pressure becoming too much.
He had a freak out because the life he loved living was over. Thjazi was always a big threat to it and so that loss and Thjazi are entangled in his mind.
Bolaire is facing a lot of conquences at the end of this arc.
MORE
1. Things with Termina went badly. His sibling wants to kill him. And she could. Up until now he's been very casual about his safety because if his body dies he can be put on again. He massively messed up.
2. He missed Hal's play. Getting the theatre and helping Hal has been a huge part of his life he built and he missed it.
3. Hal might want to remain friends, and even trusts him as a co-conspirator, but since confessing what he is Hal doesn't trust him as a person.
4. Teor and Cyd died. He didn't know them, but he deliberately made the choice of team spy because he worried about Wicander and Tyranny's abilities and for the first part of the mission they were completely fine. And when he gets separated from Wick in order to find his sibling who turns on him, Wick murders someone and loses his innocence which Bolaire can perhaps relate to with his line about learning to hate.
5. We know what plowshares are now. He's a plowshare. No one but Mara really acknowledged that, but theoretically if they needed an anchor it could be him. So there's a fear about dehumanizing him and using him as a tool once again. Or the expectation to sacrifice himself.
6. His sibling tried to kill him. Hal doesn't trust him and it can't be the same with him. Demodus is gone. He even says he feels he has no family and before Thjazi brought him into this he did. He had the hope of finding his siblings through the museum. He had Hal's friendship and theatre and family. He feels like he lost it.
6. Thjazi isn't gone. The first time we meet Bolaire he is at Thjazi's hanging and he laughs with relief. It's not just anger or hated. He fears Thjazi. He doesn't want to be under his thumb.
So Bolaire is facing all these things and losing all these things. He is feeling helpless. He's facing consequences of actions he felt were the right thing to do, and as it turns out Thjazi is not facing consequences in death. The person he hates is safe in a shadow.
The person that owed him. Either through blackmail or a more literal sense it doesn't really matter, Bolaire's agency and freewill were cut off after meeting Thjazi.
So that feeling of helplessness and lack of control goes up exponentially.
Of course he's freaking out. Just like how Occtis has a freakout with the seekers about his family and the party's trust in him and all the pressure he's under while facing that he's not alive anymore. Bolaire is emotionally young and is facing his own death essentially. Both the idea of it literally through Termina, but also metaphorically with the Museum Curator. A lot of it isn't about Thjazi at all, but Thjazi is connected to a lot of it which is why Bolaire's outburst is centred on him.
It's not going to be a rational moment. I think some of the PCs pushed up against it because of the mask of Museum Curator Bolaire wore, who is mature, unaffected, and sarcastic and in the moment Bolaire was anything but.
I love Ceci N'est Pas Un Figment and Ceci N'est Pas Un Bolaire(which I've decided are my full names for them until stated otherwise, Figment Bolaire collectively for short) I really hope they are Bolaire's familiar now. I love the "I'm not alone" moment later, like- Figment Bolaire was looking for their demiplane but they're a couple of lil flat guys and so he was looking for something that's connected to Bolaire's mind theatre at the real theatre because the real theatre was one of Bolaire's dreams that became real, just like Bolaire's dream of not being alone anymore, and then they found the box and these strangers(though everyone's a stranger now) saw them and trapped them in the paint on the box and Figment Bolaire was this weird little mask guy stuck in a box until they saw Bolaire who invited them onto his body to SHARE it!!!
Also "My wig's good, I'm Bolaire!" and "I'm Figment, let me in the box." and "Ow, I'm Bolaire!" and "Let us in the box, we're good!" I love that they're very base characters for having started as a simple doodle. They don't have much to them yet except identity because they were only created to be recognizable figures.
I'm so sad that meeting Figment couldn't happen for Bolaire the way it happened here for Team Theatre because his first thought really seems to be "Hal dreamed life into my little doodle with this play that I put so much work into helping him achieve and I fucking missed it only to destroy my relationship with my sister, I should've just gone to the play" but also Bolaire isn't alone anymore either and hopefully never will be again because he has them!!!
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shakily stepping up to the mic . something about last night's episode that really stuck with me is how everyone kinda treats bolaire's trauma [towards thjazi, but also kinda in general] like Nothing. and i don't mean stuck with me in a good way . in earlier episodes there was the idea that bolaire was always lying [not that i subscribed to this idea] but thimble basically confirmed that thjazi treated him like shit to at least some degree last night.
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