Don't Pity Me!: It's Ok to Care Though
Hello, Class! Today we’re going to talk about compassion, empathy and all of those fun things. Most importantly we’re going to talk about that dreadful word, “PITY“. What it is, what it isn’t, and why we hate it.
Having a chronic illness or just falling short on hard times is something that not only effects us, but effects those around us. Particularly those that love us. Usually when we’re told something is wrong with us, or we get some bad news that may change everyone’s life and usually comes with a lot of sad emotions, the first thing we say is? Ah you guessed it! “I’m ok, I can handle it and will get through this. DON’T PITY ME!” This may all be true but there’s a couple of things that follow that we may or not be aware of. Numero uno mis amigos is that we have no idea what the word pity means, and I’m willing to bet that our friends and family don’t either. So what exactly is pity? Let’s look it up.
According to the Oxford dictionary, Pity is:
The feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others.
Doesn’t sound too bad right? In fact, we do it all the time when we see someone hurt in any kind of tragedy. Especially those in other countries. We feel sorry for them, we have a rush of compassion and empathy, flooded with anger that we can’t do anything to stop their pain or know how to help them. We do it in our every day lives as well. We do it with loved ones when we see them hurting from a broken heart or losing a loved one. We do it to ourselves when we’re grieving something or just sad. Doesn’t look too bad right? It really isn’t when you put it like that HOWEVER, here’s where the problem comes in.
Pity is bad because you feel sorry for someone but you won’t do anything about it, not because you can’t, but because it’s not that deep for you. It’s not your problem. It’s like when you see a missing person poster or something happens all over the world. You feel sad but it’s not happening to you so you don’t give it too much thought. Kind of like when you see a homeless person. We all do it. We walk by, have preconceived judgements on how they got there and we go “how sad” or “the city should do something.” or you just walk by and pretend to ignore them. You’re simply a watcher and your only contribution is pity. You look at a person as if they’re not going to get better so you feel sadness for them and that’s it. You keep them as the victim and never the victorious.
What does it feel like to be pitied?
You feel doubted, or you feel you’re looked at as helpless, lifeless, can’t overcome or do things on your own. When someone “pity’s” us, things change and there’s this feeling of inferiority. The person who does the pitying is usually in a better condition physically, financially, or emotionally, and becomes or puts themselves in a superior position.
In your typical teen movie, the popular kid will go on a date with the unpopular kid because they feel sorry for them and saves the day. Usually in this plot the nerdy kid finds out it was a sympathy date and not the real deal. It makes things worse and the popular kid gets angry because in their mind they’re doing them a favor. Reality? It’s pity. They acted on the emotion of feeling sorry for the kid with the idea that they’ll never get a date because they’re at the bottom and that it would make their day to be with the popular kid. One, that’s a lot of nerve to think you’re that important. It’s embarrassing and it makes them feel even worse and may even cause them to receive more ridicule. Sure, it probably would have made their day, but it would’ve meant more if it were genuine. Pity hurts.
So where does compassion come in and what is it?
According to Webster, Compassion is:
sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress, together with a desire to alleviate it.
So true compassion is seeing someone suffering, or a need,being aware of what that feels like, and offering or providing help to see the situation get better. It’s without judgement. In the above example, compassion would’ve been if the popular kid sat with the other and talked to them to get a better understanding of who they are and why they’re dateless versus assuming it’s because they’re different.
You can feel compassion for those you don’t know but most of the time we feel it for those we love. So what does that look like? It’s empathy. You feel and identify with their pain.
Your friend may break their leg in a car accident and they can’t walk or play sports for 6 months. Compassion is empathizing with their pain, and being there. You put yourself in their position and help them see through to the outcome. You may cry with them because you know how important that thing was to them and you hate seeing them hurt. You may pray with them to get better or laugh with them to take their mind off it. You may even just sit with them in silence or listen to them vent. Instead of doing everything for them from the jump, ask them how they’re feeling, check up on them from time to time. If you know they can’t drive to work or school, offer to drive them or make sure they have a ride. You listen. If they can’t get up off the couch, help them up when they ask or you see a struggle. You do this because you want to help and you care, not because you feel like they’re never going to overcome this without you or they’re a hopeless victim. Yes, they’re impaired and they’ll need help but what they don’t need is pity.
In situations like this, there may be times where they will want to try to do as much on their own as possible without asking for help because they want to overcome and be strong. This is good. This helps them grow and learn whereas pity would keep them stagnant. No they can’t run 6 miles but trying to walk to the table 5 feet away may be a healthy challenge. They’ll probably have poor judgement at times by trying to be bigger than their situation and they’ll probably fall on their face. If it’s not off a cliff or life threatening or more damaging to the situation, let them because that’s when they’ll recognize (most of the time), that they need some kind of assistance as well as seeing their progress. Even if you can’t help, because you don’t know how or are just unable because you’re in another country or something, offering a joke or a prayer or token of wisdom, those things are great because it’s done with the other person in mind. It’s the gesture of “this may help them feel better or ease the strain”. If you were doing all of this because you see them as lower, or to pat yourself on the back, it’d not only be pitty, you’d be an asshole.
It’s ok to care. It’s also ok to let someone care for you. What does care look like? It’s a conscious and genuine effort to be there for someone in their time of need. It’s rooted in compassion but most importantly love. It’s not because you feel sorry for them, it’s because you want to see them get through and you believe in them.
I’m stubborn as hell so I want to do everything on my own. Part of that is because I’ve had to do that a lot of times in my life and other times because I myself don’t think I’m worthy of all of this love and attention. So for me as well as some of my friends, it works if you offer to help as well as asking. When you ask, it puts the decision and control in the person who’s “sufferings” hands. It gives them the ability to say “hey yea, can you go to the store for me or can you just sit with me”. Or “yea, I just need to be alone for a while to figure this all out but it’s ok to check on me in a week or two”. Versus just doing something because you see them as a weaker being.
On the reverse, we have to let people that care about us care for us. One because they love us and two, because we’re going to need help. It’s trust. On days when IBD gets the best of us, it’s nice to have someone call and say “hey are you ok? You want any soup or to stare at the sky?”. Don’t block that out or push it away. Love and laughter are beautiful and healing. It’s human.
So don’t pity us. Care for us. Show us compassion and understand that we’ll have a hard time here and there but we’ll be ok and get through. Especially with genuine help, big or small.
I hope this makes sense and helps someone today. Let’s talk about it! Leave a comment or ask a question.
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