thecrisisdiaries

I just had a meeting with the head psychologist at the clinic I'm attending. She is also the one who runs group therapy. She said she'd invited me into her office because she was "worried" about me. She told me that over the past two weeks I've apparently not made any progress, that compared to when I first arrived in January I've even regressed. That I don't involve myself anymore and that I just "sit there folded over" in group therapy. She asked whether something had happened because she'd been sensing "some kind of negative energy" about me. If I would be brave enough during the next group session and talk about how the others perceive me? First off, thank you for letting me know that my one on one therapist is not in for the day 15 minutes before this and then springing this bullshit on me. That's exactly what you do with an insecure patient. Secondly, I don't give a rat's ass about how my co-patients perceive me. I'm here to work on myself and so are they. The people here don't care about building up relationships. They don't have the hots for interaction of which the only semblance is "how do you mean that?" and "what's for lunch?". They want an easy fix for their problems. Aside from that, I don't have to speak in every single group therapy session. It's my right not to. It's also my right to not be interested in other peoples' therapy subjects. I don't have to engage them, it's not my job and I don't have to apologize for that. I do not have to say sorry for not having the same mental capacity I had a year and a half ago. I'm unfortunately very aware of that every single day and I'm still working on my personal issues with it, but it's a fact I have come to accept. Burnouts are bitches and many people still suffer from the same mental incapacities toward various things years after their breakdowns (add to that that they, like me, may also have other mental disorders). I happen to believe that I'm an HSP, which doesn't necessarily make things easier for me. Being quickly overstimulated coupled with the amount of psychological damage I've endured is a sure fire reason why I just shut down when someone turns on the light, making it too bright for me to handle in a given situation, for instance. Talking with more than three people at once is an enormous amount of work for me. Someone chit chatting with me while I'm trying to count money to pay for drinks pressures me so much that I get internally aggressive. I can't help it. I'm not the person I used to be, but that's alright. What's not alright is constantly reminding me of that with the hidden intention of getting me to revert back to what I used to be. To "help me find what I've lost". No. Stop it. You are hurting me. The fact that I'm still in an outpatient clinic (having said upon entering that it is what I want to do of my own volition) proves that I'm ready to work and partake seriously. The fact that I get up every morning and arrive on time if not early proves that I put in effort. The fact that I call in when I miss the bus and could turn up late proves that I respect the people here and that I can take responsibility for certain consequences. My one on one therapist tells me I'm doing well. My psychological caretaker tells me I'm doing well. They both tell me they see the resilience within me. They acknowledge my discipline. They are aware that many things are difficult for me and they see that I'm trying. I have four long sessions with these people every week. My group therapist sees me three times a week for an hour. She does not talk with me. We do not have actual discussions. She does not know me. Maybe she has read my case file. But I am not a case file. You do not get to invite me into your office and corner me. You do not get to pretend you care about me and use it as a distraction for your incompetence. Not being able to "get through to" me during group session might pinch your ego or make your colleagues question your methods but it does not give you the right to crush my confidence I've spent so long rebuilding to a fraction of what it used to be by telling me that I haven't made any progress, let alone taken "several steps backward". What you are doing is disrespectful to me and others who are going through the same or a similar thing. I am not your exclusive patient. You are not my exclusive therapist. You do not get to blame me for reacting differently to what you might have expected when you don't even know me. You do not get to criticize what I say or don't say. I pay for my health insurance which, in turn, covers most of my expenses at your facility. You are employed only because I am ill and because thousands of others in my city share a poor mental health with me. Not all human beings are compatible with one another. That includes psychologist - patient relationships. It's natural. Stop trying to force it. You do not have the right.

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love it when friends thinks they know me and justify my own actions with their assumptions and then hold it against me to "protect" themselves why do i even bother opening up anymore and why do i make the same goddamn mistake over and over can't be isolated and cut off from everything, can't be out in the open with my arms spread for all, and now i can't even be whatever's in the middle of both also can't say i didn't try ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i dont know im fucking around again