The Abyss Writes

I’ve been stuck for years in a music box

Dancing to the same discordant tunes

Wound up, in the stomach of a fox

In the desert, drowning in the dunes

What’s life like, is it volatile?

Does it eat me alive, the acid rising?

Throw up, your hands and the bile

Nothing seems to be appetizing

The sun blazed, burning it’s pelt whole

Presented with the oasis, they let it go

Dehydrated, dehydrating, in the hole

I can’t escape, I can’t say no

I’m dying to drink, then evaporate

Let me be a cloud adrift on the blue

I’d rather die than be left to incinerate

Stuck in the pits of you and what you do

God blew my remains near the water

In my compromised container, lie seeds

Starving, you gladly ate your daughter

The life in me, growing back within weeds

In the lake’s fertile lands, I root into sand

I still can’t see, is it their lining or ground?

To be sure, I must trust the world’s hands

Drowning in nothing

Surviving on nothing

High on nothing

Stuck doing nothing

Tripping on nothing

Dancing with nothing

Living with nothing

Dying with nothing

I am the nothing man

Yes I am, yes I am

Do you understand?

This feeling is nothing

These feelings mean nothing

For I am the nothing man

Yes I am, yes I am

I am the nothing man

Choking on nothing

Biting on nothing

Riding on nothing

Cumming to nothing

Moaning to nothing

My pleasure is nothing

The pain is nothing

I make love to the nothing

My sadness is nothing

My anger is nothing

My fear is nothing

My disgust is nothing

My happiness is nothing

My love is nothing

My hate is nothing

My world is nothing

I am the nothing man

Yes I am, yes I am

I lack anything, only nothing

This existence is nothing

These lives mean nothing

For I am the nothing man

Yes I am, yes I am

I am the nothing man

My neglect is nothing

My isolation is nothing

My problems are nothing

My losses are nothing

My depression is nothing

My highs are nothing

My lows are nothing

My health is nothing

My light is nothing

My darkness is nothing

My past is nothing

My present is nothing

My future is nothing

My numbness is nothing

My aliveness is nothing

What am I, if not nothing?

A rhetorical question, meaning nothing

For I am the nothing man

And I am nothing, so nothing can

Hide this apathy, made of nothing

Prove the truths don’t mean nothing

Prove the lies don’t mean nothing

You can’t, for everything is nothing

I hate you with all of my heart

I’ve got to, I have to let it go

Instead it sinks in, and I play the part

Just thought I’d let you know

Pretend I’m killing you, when I protect

Let’s play, act like you’re hurt

Do you love me, do we connect?

Let me fake that I don’t feel like dirt

Let me have an illusion of control so wrong

Let it resonate with me until I see

That I had a chance to do it all along

That I still have a chance to be free

Demonic possession, slice of hell

My doors opened when he tore us apart

Were we an angel, did we serve you well?

For this, did you think you were so smart?

Helpless, hopeless, I’m out of luck

The hibiscus grows on such vulnerability

Hopeless, helpless, they don’t give a fuck

Spreading from every bit of culpability

As it covered me, in whose arms did I fall?

No one’s, but it could be in yours now

Pretend to think I’m able to handle it at all

If I wasn’t so horrible, maybe I’d know how

Hurt me, show me you think I’m something

Let me hurt you, to do the same..

Hurt me, show me I’m a real thing

Let me protect you quietly, this is my game

I’ll lie and say, I could violate your mind

I’m disgusting, terrible, I want to recoil

I’ll lie and say I’d never want to be kind

I just can’t stop, my blood’s boiling

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry

I can’t be kind like you, I’m sorry

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry

I can’t be anything real, I’m sorry

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry

No other way to feel alive, I’m sorry

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry

Snip, snip, snip, shape and snip up

Sketch, sketch, sketch, pin and peel

The prettiest paper i’d ever pin up

But these intense lines don’t appeal

Pin, peel, pin, peel, pin, peel

Feels like I’m peeling an onion

But it’s hopeless, I can’t make it heal

May the flames burn our creative union

I could have cut right through you

But your material’s precious at first sight

So I chose to treasure your hues

My rose colored glasses make them bright

Stupidly digging myself into the same hole

Falling into nothing, falling into heart block

Nothing can really make me feel whole

But the impulsivity tumbles like a rock

Tumbling, falling, spiraling, drowning

For how long can I just stand on my feet?

Cracking, rumbling, crying, screaming

For just how long can I handle the heat?

Quickly etching you with jagged shapes

I’ll peel that one too, I feel sorry for you

Record-making drawings of distortion

Every time I try to see my face

I see the face of another me, another man

Who’s fire’s been erased

One who’s doing what he can

To keep me safe from the pain

Because I can’t let me feel it

I know any other way, I won’t stay sane

My world won’t let me heal it

As the rain’s water hits the flames

It either dies or adds to the smoke

With every drop not heard, it tames

Underneath, mine can’t truly be choked

So, the steam breaks away from within

Condensing into rainclouds, dissociation

Repeating, again, again and again

The pain locked away, stuck in repression

With every moment avoided, it suffocates

It drains me to have to cope every day

The pain ripples loudly through the gates

All I can stand to do is wish it stays away

It won’t go, it still burns me on the inside

As it blazes up slowly from the root

I ask if the universe is really on my side

My vision faltering, I run far from the truth

I can’t even see the real me with him now

I still want his paw held in my claws

But every time I try to get close, ow

I’m reminded of the hurt the abuse caused

I love him, but I know I can’t be enough

I can’t be by his side for long

I get dragged back into it all, it’s rough

I love you, I love you

I so overwhelmingly love you

When I see you glow

When my light runs low

You illuminate the dark

In the deepest parts of the abyss

You light my spark

Every time we kiss

I can’t keep my claws off your waist

My lips off your face

This pain is agonizing to the taste

But I can’t help it, hear my heart race

I can’t stop thinking of you dirtily

I feel so disgusting, when it’s all I can think

But it feels good, when I’m lusting thirstily

Let me “violate” you, then take a drink

But really, I’d do anything, just to get away

From being turned on by you every day

I’d rather just be romantically swayed

But my dick has other things to say

I’d rather just love you, normally

I can’t love me, or feed my ego

As soon as I see you, I ah, chronically

Curse out my fucking libido

Let my flames keep your heart toasty

As we sit beneath the shining stars

With our marshmallows roasting

You say we’re okay, I hope we are

Because I’m melting by your side

You’re so bright, I could never

Get lost for long with you as a guide

I don’t want to get out of bed

My body’s so heavy, I want to be light

Get me out of my head

I don’t have the will to fight

Make me nothing, incorporeal

This pain, the weight is all I can feel

I don’t want to be real

I don’t want to have to heal

I’m trying to find the spark inside today

But my debt to life is desolating

I’m telling myself, it’ll be okay

My insides are incinerating

I’m blocked up by the distortions

You hatefully hand crafted for me

I wasn’t given proper proportions

I need, I need room to be free

I’m biting the walls, the bed frame

In this home, I can’t be thriving

I can’t just go lie, and reframe

That I’m barely surviving

So, mortal world, let me go

Or don’t, rub the salt in my post-TSD

I can’t flow, let me go

Trapped in your domain, tied in chains

King of the couch, god of none

I’m snuffed with the hit of your reins

I’m so fed up, I’m so done

How could you drown me with your rage?

I’m forced to hide, I’m dead

How could I be stuck, like a dog in a cage?

I’m not, you’ve messed with my head

I wear a mask, a facade, every day

What’s next, I get on hands and knees?

Every interaction, a transaction to pay

Could you give me some slack, please?

I shouldn’t be serving, you’re undeserving

When we’re gone, you’re one to blame

You ruined your spot my heart’s reserving

I won’t play nice forever, forget your game

I’m making a plan to run away

Far, so I’ll never see your stupid face

I don’t think you’ll ever change or sway

Not a trace, no grace, you won’t embrace

The truth that would make you feel alive

Nor the love that I packed in my suitcase

My love that I’m sure wasn’t a lie

I hope you remember the past can’t erase

I will succeed, by following my light

You’ll fail, if you keep sinking in the dark

You chose this, we never had to fight

You chose this, so now I must embark

You chose this, to never understand

You chose this, to never show you cared

There’s nothing I can say, I can’t demand

I’d rather die than wake up this morning

I don’t want to get out of bed

Kill me, before I kill myself mourning

Stay out of my way, get out of my head

Today, I don’t want to change

Tomorrow, I’ll kill myself, welp

Tomorrow, I’ll live another day, deranged

Praying, crying on my knees for help

Drowning in my sorrows

Drowning in tears, I don’t want to let go

Farewell friends, I’ll be gone tomorrow

Farewell, I’m sorry that it has to be so

In the limitless fountain of life, flowing

You and I, both whispers of a spark

I’m sorry, I wish I didn’t have to be growing

I’m sorry, I wish we didn’t have to depart

I’ll kill myself if we have to move on

Stop the flow, I don’t want to ascend

I want to be loved forever, so fargone

I want to love you forever, never bend

Maybe, for as long as you don’t forget

That my heart beated hoping for yours to

And that I never did anything you regret

Maybe it’ll be okay for me to…

Unchain my wings, scarred with red

Give myself a reason to wake up every day

Cut the rope that I have forever dreaded

Make it so I don’t have to pray

Bite the path that’s mine, enduring pain

Falling, I can’t fly yet, surrendering

Protected, there is so much to gain

My new reality, in the process of rendering

It’s easier said than done, less fun

This choice is the hardest of them all

I just want to go away, run

But I have to pick up the wake up call

It rings, rings, on and on

I’d prefer if picking it up tore me apart

I’ll be okay at living, it won’t take me long

I feel like I’m dying, but I’m in one part

I’m mourning this new start, with my whole heart

The burden I see, graves of my wounds

Sticking out like sore thumbs

My heart sings out sad tunes

Ethereal, with grace on it’s lungs

My weeping, went unwept

My throat closing up with all of the fears

My love, gone unkept

I can no longer hold all of the tears

The rain, it falls in the yard

Pittering and pattering along

I lay my back on the cement, stone hard

Resting, soaking it in, staying strong

The world turns below, in slow motion

Some days colorful, some days dull

Always looking for my devotion

But it seems that I’m in a lull

I’ve got to release it all

The sorrow and the pain, since I was born

Hopefully I don’t slip and fall

Before the sun at the end of the rainstorm

I sigh, and take a breath or two

We’ll make it, it’s not over yet

The true strength is making it through

It takes time to change a mindset

Emotions dampen and remain

Trapped indefinitely underneath the skin

What isn’t released will be retained

Growing and festering from within

Another mold problem has been gained

In fixing it, I don’t know where to begin

It sticks to the front, leeching

Since you are miserable, I must be in misery

I try to find joy but I can’t, although seeking

I’d do anything to escape this energy

They ask me to be patient, which I suck at being

I’d do anything to escape this apathy

Putting out my heart’s fire, I am nothing but ash

It feels like taking a bath in dirty water

This is all such a pain in the ass

But despite that, I won’t give up or falter

I hope this goes by fast

I hope that I depart with this emotional rotting

Am I any good without you?

Would my mind go astray?

Am I only good

Until you go away?

My heart carries on with you

My heart carries on with you

Is it how I truly feel?

Or is it because you are here?

Did I truly heal?

Or is it only my fears?

Am I danger waiting to happen?

Or am I softer than I imagined?

I want to be good, just like you…

Can I be that?

I want to be loved, just like you…

Can I be that?

I want to be kind, just like you…

Can I be that?

Can you see that?

Even though it’s hard for me to care sometimes

Even though it’s hard for me to be there sometimes

Even though I disregard others sometimes

I’m trying to be better because

My heart carries on with you

My heart carries on with you