The Weirdo Who Posts Stuff

I was today years old when I realized that one of my eyes is bigger than the other

I cant believe I forgot about this...

I would let a racoon do surgery on me

Have you seen their little hands? Those motherfuckers would give me a great heart transplant for the low low cost of a cold pizza slice

you do realize where racoons' little hands have been right

is that the...only reason you wouldn’t let a raccoon give you a heart transplant?

Come on! They are so well known for washing their hands that they’s called “washing bears” in German! You don’t have to worry about where their hands have been!

Well! you heard it folks, getting a heart transplant from a raccoon is perfectly safe!

where is the raccoon getting the heart

don't worry about it

i could never be allowed to time travel because i would try to introduce medieval peasants to scented candles and be executed as a vvitch

at least i'd have the best smelling execution bonfire though

why did you write w like vv

vvhy don't you

Bananas, tomatoes, watermelons, coffee, cocoa, pomegranates and pumpkins are also berries.

W-what????????’

WHAT DO YOU MEAN POMEGRANATES ARE BERRIES????

You know what isn’t a berry? Strawberries. Fuck fruit scientists.

hey is everyone ignoring the part of the dream where bees and beekeepers fucked

This woman deserves an oscar

I am shrieking with laughter but only because if I don’t laugh I will burst into tears. 

I mean, if someone wrote that to me, I’d probably believe they were sick.

“Slutantions” has me crying laughing

THE SUBJECT LINE IS THE BEST PART JSJFJSJDJS JUST IMAGINE GETTING AN EMAIL WITH NO CONTEXT OTHER THAN “OW”

As someone who has taught college, please send those emails because 1) We WILL believe that; no one would write that on purpose and 2) we need a laugh sometimes.

On the other side of this, once after getting taken to the ER by ambulance, I got an email from the professor whose class I’d passed out in, and the message had no text, just the subject line “you good?”

Reblogging for the last addition

yolo