Dying again

Disability, disabled

Fat

Old, elderly

Mobility aids

Disability aids and assistive tools

Incontinence, continence products, ostomies

Facial differences

Limb differences

AAC

The reason this is bad is because most of these (with the exception of the R slur which is bad for obvious reasons) are real mental conditions with people who actually suffer from them. What most people don’t understand is that having something like narcissistic personality disorder or sociopathy DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON. Many many people with these conditions are completely well adjusted. by using these terms as analogs for negative traits like being self centered or an asshole or stupid you are continuing to reinforce negative stereotypes that people with disabilities are inherently less worthy of basic human dignity.

Doing this contributes to the backwards idea that people with mental disorders are either crazy or stupid, and results in people believing that if you have a mental disorder you cannot be a functioning member of society, which is objectively wrong.

it is not embarrassing to have gi problems.

it is not embarrassing to need help with personal care or bathing.

it is not embarrassing to have groin/breast pain.

it is not embarrassing to need help using the bathroom.

Honestly I’m still figuring it out, but here are some things I think I’ve figured out so far:

- carers should not act like you are a massive inconvenience if you need help/ ask for something to be done differently

- carers are not your friend while they are at work. They can be friendly and you can be friendly back, but they aren’t your friend while at work. Again this can be tricky, and I have one carer who I’m now friends (and colleagues) with, but there are important differences. When they were still my carer there were different social rules.

-if you go to a group or event a carer should be in the background unless you’ve specified otherwise. I once went to a trans group with a cis carer who spoke (a lot) during a group discussion. This was absolutely not okay. I really struggled with this at first because it would be so rude to do this in other forms of relationships. Becoming okay with this and insistent on it has improved my life so much.

- carers don’t get a say in what you do, wear, or go unless that is part of their job (say if you need help to tell what clothes are appropriate for the weather). This is a big difference between friends and carers. If I’m going somewhere with a friend they might suggest alternatives they find more fun, a carer shouldn’t do this.

- carers should respect that they are in your home/ life. So they shouldn’t leave their stuff all over your house, even if they stay for several days at a time. They shouldn’t move things without you asking. I have a room in my house where my carers stay overnight, and a designated cupboard in the kitchen/ shelf on the fridge and I expect their things to stay in those spaces.

-not flake, especially getting meds bringing to appointments helping with forms etc

- should not act defensive when you ask for something

- should remain calm and still help you, as needed and with consent, when you are triggered

- should not take pictures of you, your home, or your pets unless you specifically ask them to (ex so you can see what's in your fridge, check a wound you can't see), and should delete those photos ASAP if taken with a device that isn't yours

- should be alert and ready to help the whole shift. SOBER.

- should be understanding and receptive when you try to communicate with them, especially around boundaries that may seem unconventional to them

- should not struggle to be on the same page as you when you try to tell them to stop or give you space (ex if you freeze up and become unresponsive, they should be trying to check in with you, not continuing to touch you...)

- should be comfortable with both complete silence and lots of chatter

- should be able to roll with your worst moods

- should not be lovebombing you (getting you random gifts frequently, constantly saying how pretty you are, calling you pet names, being overly touchy outside of what's needed for care)

- should not act cold or spurned if you don't match their energy/friendliness

- should not lecture you on how you manage your care (if you manage it), your life, what you eat, who you make friends with, how you hire people (if you hire people), etc.

- should not share "funny stories" or names of their other clients with you (if they do, this means they're sharing your private life with others too)

- should not go behind your back to ask about your disability

- should commit to memory the way you want or need things organized in your living space and stick to that, instead of what's easiest for them

"Why does it feel good to sexualise your mobility aids? For me, it was that improved connection with my own body. Aids like my crutches allowed me to feel safe and relaxed. My medical corset and joint braces not only reduced my pain, but also made my body feel special – cared for.

Other disabled people may find that mobility aids help them connect not only with themselves, but also with a partner⁠. The shared experience of using aids in the bedroom feels like a metaphor for a life shared together. It’s an opportunity to understand each other’s bodies, an opportunity to appreciate details that might otherwise have been missed. Lying back while your partner applies K-tape to your limbs, watching them smooth the tape carefully over your skin, has an inherently erotic⁠ quality. Likewise, leaning close to your partner’s space as they sit in their wheelchair while you mutually undress. Not only are these aids facilitating sex, but they can also become a galvanising force between partners. There is something undeniably attractive about seeing a partner who is both physically comfortable and obviously enjoying themself.

All of this may still seem rather odd to an able-bodied reader. A mobility aid is still just an object, albeit a useful one. Is there really anything sexy about a rollator or a back brace? I think the answer lies in the fact that even today, disabled people are often viewed as undesirable, uninterested in sex, or perhaps both. It’s still rare to see disabled people represented as sensual beings who are both willing and active participants in sex in the mainstream media, and non-disabled people frequently seem to express surprise that disabled people can and do have sex. Claiming some part of the disabled experience as erotic and sexual can therefore be a radical act. In an ableist world, disabled people in relationships, disabled people having casual hookups – even disabled people masturbating – all are subverting the limited expectations that society has for them."

Am I aromantic or does the “fun” mutual teasing, the unspoken rules of dating, the ungraspable social game of it all feel terrifying, unintuitive, repulsive, prohibiting?

Am I aromantic, or are the steps just out of order for me?

I do love. Deeply, soul crushingly, intensely, earth-shakingly. I write poetry for my loves, enjoy holding hands with them, sharing my soul with them.

I enjoy living with them, cooking meals together, taking our kid/s to the park together, running errands together. It feels like home.

Am I aromantic if the only kind of love I create feels more like family than fireworks?

Companionship, safety, friendship to the max, affection, maybe even sex (though never necessary), but… somehow it just seems different, queerer, than how people describe their romances.

I do not know where best friend ends and lover begins, if there even is a difference. People insist there is. I have felt euphoria in the development of such friendships, so… are all my friends my lovers? Are my lovers all my friends? We all love each other, but not in the way that’s scary to tell somebody. “Don’t say I love you yet, it’s too early” Scuse you, I DO love them and I WILL tell them, every time I feel it; the ‘I Love You’ will just grow deeper and richer over time, like a plant stretching roots down deep.

But somehow… when I say that, people say that’s different than romance. Weirder.

Maybe the categories are just too narrow for the breadth of the human experience.

Or maybe I’m just aromantic.

But trying again after you relapse is a sign of strength.

Because while ARFID certainly can present that way, by definition it's just any clinically significant restrictive eating or feeding disturbance that isn't body image based. It also commonly presents as:

Lack of interest in food or eating—such as a result of major depressive disorder, schizoid personality disorder, the negative symptoms of schizophrenia spectrum disorders, dissociative disorders, etc

Avoidance of specific foods that are PTSD triggers, or of eating as a whole due to traumatic events that happened around mealtimes or in kitchens or dining rooms

Avoiding food due to phobias surrounding vomiting, choking, allergic reactions, etc

Avoiding food due to OCD surrounding due to magical thinking around the consequences of eating (i.e. fearing that a loved one will die if you eat a specific food), obsessions surrounding poisoning or allergic reactions, or food restriction as a compulsion

Avoiding food as a result of delusions or paranoia in schizophrenia spectrum disorders, paranoid personality disorder, etc