All That Jazz

Can I perhaps also introduce you to the kazoo trombone?

If you vote on this poll, for ingredients for bread, I will make the bread and attempt to eat it.

First off, these decimal percentages are too stupidly specific to realistically measure, so let's simplify and round them all to the nearest even number.

The numbers still add up to 100! Lucky us!

So my instinct is to make a proper bread sized recipe, which would be something like this:

4 cups flour

1 cup water

2/3 cup salt

2/3 cup sugar

2 cups yeast (!)

2/3 cup oil

1 2/3 cup eggs (6-7 large eggs)

6 cups garlic and herbs

Needless to say, um, fuck that. I'll leave it here in case anyone else wants to make it but I have learned from my past Tumblr recipe experiences, so we're making this boy tiny. A single serve evil bread. If we make 6% equivalent to one tablespoon, a unit that both multiplies and divides nicely, we get this:

1/4 cup flour

1 tbsp water

2 tsp salt

2 tsp sugar

2 tbsp yeast

2 tsp oil

5 tsp egg (approx 1/2 large egg)

1/4 cup + 2 tbsp herbs and garlic

I'm not sure exactly what "herbs and garlic" entails but I suppose you could separate them and have 3 tbsp herbs and 3 tbsp garlic. I am going to use this leeway to my advantage.

I'm not exactly sure how kneading and baking are going to go down. I've made a lot of bread but I don't think that will help me in this arena. Regardless, I will faithfully record my failures and successes and addend my recipe with instructions (once I figure them out). I'm thinking I'll just pretend it's normal bread. We'll see how far that gets me.

I cannot fucking believe this worked?

Suffice it to say that it was harrowing. The yeast almost grew out of the bowl until I added the salt and killed (some of) it. There must be some alive in there somewhere because it smells very strongly of yeast and garlic. The dough is unpalatable, and that's coming from me, who will eat any bread product at any stage. It's the salt mostly. It tastes like over yeasted, garlicly bread with an entire saltshaker upended in it. Better than the cake tho, so 1/10.

Usually you allow bread to proof until it's doubled in size, I'm not sure that's gonna happen. We'll give it an hour

As for advice, if you make this bread (do not) you're gonna hafta put a lil more oomf into your kneading than you're used to. The proportions in here are so astronomically fucked up the gluten will not want to develop. Additionally, my whole house smells of garlic and herbs, which I find pleasant but you may want to know going in

Full disclosure, I floured my surface when kneading, but that's a given of bread making imo

Behold, a passable facsimile of bread

I made the cut in the top into a lil Tumblr t so you know that, despite its breadlike looks, this is a hell loaf

THE TUMBLR POLL BREAD

It tastes fucking