Techy

Is It Cute?

Or Is It Compulsive?

I got these socks with these colored stripes years ago. Many have vanished, as they do, so it's a smorgasbord now.

I decided one day when finding new pairs for all the singles, these two are never getting paired.

No way am I wearing thin blue line colors...

Maybe that's endearing!

But ..

Some days, I just can't be assed to pair my socks to and I just throw em in my drawer.

I cannot wear these two together. I will find some other fucked up combo of mismatched socks before I wear them together. Even if no one will see em!

I wasn't raised to investigate myself critically. the people raising me so rarely tried to learn about me.

Be pleasant and tolerable. That was the end goal levied towards me 99% of the time

So now it's one of many brain muscles that atrophied from neglect. I can list things that I like. Albums, foods, activities. Can I explain why? Not really.

At best I can describe the basic emotions I feel, much like a child might. But investigating why I feel those emotions is carving pathways in my brain that have hardened long ago.

This week I've been investigating what I look for romantically. What makes me both find a person attractive and want to kiss them.

I tried to describe what came to mind after my girlfriend asked me this and after some word salad, I communicated "Good conversationalist" and hoh boy that's just the tip of the damn iceberg.

I need them to be like.. a person? One with hobbies and interests and a sense of self, not just whatever video game or tv show has had their attention lately. There needs to be some shared passions and interests to actually commiserate over.

I need to feel like more than just their attraction to me. So hookups just aren't for me. I've known that for a while, but desperation for attention has made me ignore that in the past.