Evil Tails

Now, in my mind, amnesia meant everything sort of went black and you’d come to days later without a clue of what had happened or where you were. And while, that absolutely can be the case for some— it wasn’t for me.

Amnesia for me is much more complex. The gaps of memory I loose are patched together by the things that I do remember. My mind may omit half the day, but because I can remember the other half, it doesn’t feel as if I’ve lost any time truly. My mind worked overtime to hide how much time I was loosing, simply because if I knew, I don’t think the past version of myself would’ve handled it very well. </3

Be careful who you disclose your information to. Protect your system.

I've disclosed that I am a system on the site I've been on. I've had no fewer than 5 traffickers contact me specifically looking for systems and trafficking victims to exploit in adulthood. They don't make it obvious, I treat it like a game, I know how to talk to them, then I report them.

There will be others, mostly girls positioning themselves as victims too, they will give elaborate stories about their childhood assaults, I'm not sure if they are real or not but it doesn't matter, they work for traffickers too. They want you to open up.

Some are just degenerates who will want to exploit your trauma for their own pleasures. They will ask if you have fucked animals, they want you to fuck animals. They will ask if you were filmed as a child, it is a lead up to discussing CSAM. Some will ask about your programming (Not the term they use but that is obviously what they probe for) and traumas simply because they are looking for guidelines to do so to children themselves. Many want to find an adult woman to have children with to exploit. Many want to find out if your abuse was tied to an organization so they can seek them out.

They do not exclusively look for women to exploit, they also look for men they can 'corrupt', or men who were victims (from discussing it with some others on the site who had PDs and childhood trauma).

Be cautious, never disclose your inner workings, alter triggers, switching patterns etc. I do not mention my side systems, or programmed parts beyond my one most obvious alter.

It is scary how many of them exist, how open they feel, one was a therapist, one was a lawyer, one was a former pro athlete, one worked in tech. Some even gave me their full legal names. I don't trust that reporting does anything.

I feel like this just happened to us. We have a collective account where we are very open about our CPTSD and trafficking. I think some creep realized and looked through our stuff when we posted about our birthday, and we’re very openly AFAB and our disguised singlet version is a woman.

I think they sent us that unsolicited picture of themself and we played along. Someone said we weren’t pretty, never had ‘real’ sex before, asked if he wanted to try. He said he’d love to, then we blocked him.

It’s creepy… we didn’t even go into detail about our trauma. He just saw she/her, 2-3 comments about us being a trafficking victim and went for it

let me try to explain it.

imagine you are in a sensory deprivation chamber all of the time and you are desperate for a way out. someone opens the door a crack. of course you're going to claw at that crack until you feel a bit of sunlight on your face - it's more than you've had in forever.

now, that, but emotionally. i feel bored or dissatisfied to an excruciating extent and when i find a 'crack' (such as a reason to argue with someone, breaking rules, theft, lying, etc), i will claw at it until i get an adrenaline rush - also known as thrill-seeking.

but imagine you're also NOT allowed to do that and are expected to sit and be pretty for the world because they don't like when you do that. it's hurtful. i understand that, and i don't want to necessarily hurt other people, but if it happens i am not torn up over it because i got that bit of sunlight on my face.

masking is very vigorous and tiring. the 'basic expectation' can wipe me out completely for days. even people who i'm supposed to be able to trust and unmask around, i still have to mask a little bit at least. it makes me seem irrational and completely immature when i explode off of little things like being disagreed with, but what people don't understand is that everything i do is masking and it all adds up to the bomb going off.