Amelia ✿

Amelia … 21 year old girl !! … She/Her please ^0^

This blog will primarily revolve around my own experiences with being disordered while still expected to function like a non-disordered person, and my recovery over the past two/three years.

Feel free to ask me about my experiences and opinions on topics <3 !

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TERFS / Bigots / Generally evil people aren’t welcome. I also block freely.

Amnesia is the lack of memory. It’s completely omitted from your mind. It’s akin to trying to remember before you were born. It’s simply impossible! You had no awareness before you’re born, and that lack of awareness is the same for amnesia.

Those who have not experienced it can only piece together what it is like through the accounts of those who have it, which leads to this popular idea of it being a hard transition from point a to point b. The truth is, it’s much more complex. It more looks like your mind blocking off the bad parts of a moment and keeping the parts it’s okay with to fill in the gap of time. That’s why things seem to happen so fast for those of us with it! Because we are experiencing that time— just way faster because we forget half of the moment we experienced.

Fakeclaiming amongst people without the disorder is rampant, but why????? Why do so many believe they are masters of the human mind, that they know what it should look like.

I think it’s two factors. Perception of what trauma is, and the sensationalism of the disorder.

People with DID are normal people. We eat, work, sleep, and do…Normal things. Because we are normal people. This just cannot exist to the average person though! Pain is only valid when it’s made you a hardened, barely functional person. It only is allowed when you hear the fire of gunshots when fireworks go off, or if you witnessed something so inhuman you cannot tell a soul.

You HAVE to be a victim. Being anything else immediately nulls your trauma.

The way we see DID represented follows this. When you see interviews of those with the disorder, you see the worst of cases. Someone with thousands of alters who cannot function, someone with extremely overt DID, etc etc. There isn’t allowed to be a middle ground, or different ways the disorder presents. It has to be its most extreme form! And even if it is, they won’t believe you if you’re not being interviewed or explain your life story. Ignore that this disorder causes amnesia!

It’s been causing me a lot of feelings. It’s weird, because as a part, I’m actually rather disconnected from the old host. I did not “know” her, so to speak. But, I feel like my heart recognizes that things are different now and I feel I’ve taken a rather large role with large shoes to fill.

This is something I feel I can’t explain well, because I haven’t ceased being myself. But at the same time, I feel like an entirely new person. It’s rather contradicting.

It was a long time in the making though.

For the past seven years, my host part lived in a state of delusion. She did not have the capacity to comprehend the abuse I was enduring…And that was how I survived for years, even before her time. There were walls and she could not access things happening in real time. But at a certain point, those walls became detrimental. Having a part who existed to be kept in the dark was affecting me rather negatively for numerous reasons. On top of this, she also retained a lot of childish traits from when she formed…Which just weren’t sticking well.

There are a lot of factors to her being swapped out…But it feels rather melancholy, even if it was for the better. Her job was thankless and she was taken away at a moments notice…

We are a system of five and uh... we're honestly still figuring this out? It's all been kinda confusing lol. We saw your amnesia post and kinda wondered if that might be what we're experiencing?

Basically, I'm the one who usually fronts, and until recently, we thought I was also the only one who could. But aside from research and reevaluating other things that have happened, we've been noticing that there are moments when I'm just... suddenly aware?

Like, for example, I'll do Task A and then move on to do Task B, and I have this sudden moment of "oh, shit, I'm doing Task B." And the weird thing is I do know most of what happened beforehand but I'll just kinda be left like "how and when did I get here" regardless. And my other alters can't really say either.

I've read about the whole "passive influence" thing, and I know memory sharing is common, so I think that's what might be happening? but like... I dunno, it's still super jarring, I guess.

Sorry for the long ask (and we're very sorry if this is super weird lol), it's just that we don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Feel free to completely ignore this if it's too weird lol

Hello lovely!! This isn’t weird!!

Now, it has a legitimate use. But I have a very hate relationship with it despite that.

I think, in the long run, it held me back. Victim implies a level of helplessness, and while I was being abused (and still am), I’ve had to learn I have a certain level of power.

The transition from being helpless to having resources can be a little bumpy. Weird. You don’t internalize it very fast. Even now, I find that I stop myself from doing things that’ll separate me from the abuse I endure. A part of this helplessness has been programmed into me, burned into my mind as if it’s the only option for me.

But, it’s not. And for a lot of us…I think there is more power there than we realize.

I try not to refer to myself as a victim anymore. Even if I am, the power that word gives those who abused me is sickening. Haven’t they had enough power over me? Haven’t they taken enough? Why should I give them more?

It doesn’t particularly matter what I am. Victim, or survivor, or any word in between. I want to be a person like anyone else. I don’t want to focus on the bad things that built me up— I want to focus on how those bad things fuel me to make the most of my life. And, I want to focus on all I’ve managed to accomplish while still actively being abused.

This is such a wonderful question! <3

When you say regular day-to-day forgetting, I think of things like…Forgetting what you ate a few days ago, or loosing your keys. Minor things like that.

Forgetting these things is considered normal because our brains are working machines! We take a lot of information in everyday, so it sort of cycles through and throws away information it doesn’t deem all too important.

It’s also the reason why we forget people after an extended period of time, or maybe the name of a teacher or old childhood pet.

I think a very key point with this type of forgetting is that you can be reminded of certain things, and it isn’t particularly distressing in any way outside of minor annoyance. It doesn’t affect you much, nor your perception of the world.

Now— dissociative amnesia is much more major. You forget things that build your personality or your world view. For example, I had no real idea that I was being abused for years because the memories of very severe incidents would be locked away from me in an attempt to help me cope. I couldn’t retain certain information within even a 24 hour time period. I would loose a day DURING that day.

It’s a little hard to even explain because…Lots of my memories are just gone. Recovery has helped me dig some up, but it feels weird. Like I’m trying to explain a black void… (´⊙ω⊙`)

But!! Here is a helpful portion from The Haunted Self that explains better than me!!

“The failure of people to recall experiences and facts in any part of their personality under conditions of abuse and neglect has been described as "dissociation of context" (L. D. Butler, Duran, et al., 1996) or "dissociative detachment"

(J. G. Allen, Console, & Lewis, 1999; Holmes et al.,

2005). This so-called dissociation is attributed to an individual being too overwhelmed, preoccupied, or spacey to perceive and recall. Yet, as noted above, structural dissociation does not need to exist for failures of memory to occur. This failure can sometimes be adaptive, in that it helps an individual cope with stress or potentially traumatizing events in the moment.”

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Ah! Sorry!

The gist is that he is on government benefits, which doesn’t allow him to have a certain amount of money at a time. I believe the limitation is 2000? But I could be wrong since I myself do not receive these benefits.

So, therefore, he works limited hours.

Hello anon!!!

Silly disclaimer, but I do not promote that someone share this information! The more you keep to yourself the better!!! On the Internet at least.

But, as this page is pretty anonymous and kind of dedicated to this topic, I do not mind.

Formally, I am diagnosed with Autism, OCD, DID, Depression, and Anxiety.

I talk about CPTSD because it’s sort of hand in hand with DID, but that’s not a formal diagnosis.

I do not suspect myself of having anything else…I certainly hope not. I honestly believe my Depression diagnosis is also sort of outdated because I was diagnosed with that during Covid, when I had minimal social interaction and was locked in the house with my abuser 24/7… （´-`）.｡oO

It’s so embarrassing to be twenty and still be an active abuse victim.

My mother is my primary abuser, and I love her dearly…But she doesn’t know how to return any love.

She’s a hoarder, so objects of hers I must keep in my room or else it ends up with explosive yelling. Her bedroom is so bad she has not slept in it in months, and now I’m subjected to keeping her dog in my room who sheds. My stuff has fur all over it and I cannot keep a thing clean. I’m not allowed to throw anything out or I’m shamed and humiliated for it. She digs through the trash. We have a mouse infestation that she refuses to acknowledge stems from her hoarding. She works from home in the living room, and sleeps in the living room, so I’m trapped in my tiny room (same room I was raped in! haha!) any time I am home.

Recently, our one dog has been showing severe food aggression— and has tried biting me!!! And attacking my dog!!! And she will not train him.

Her worst habit is barging in on me to rant to me about her life. She doesn’t ask me how I am, or how my day is. I’m her personal therapist. She has barged in on me trying to use the restroom to vent to me.

And don’t get me started on how she will threaten to rid of things that are important to me. She has threatened to get rid of my TRAINED dog just to upset me.

And … This is her being better. 🫩 It was a hundred times worse when I was a child.

I thought I would be out of this situation when I turned older, but I’m not and it’s downright humiliating.

DID does feel like a label that sorta. Fits me best and does make me notice and take care of myself a little bit more. Also it's completely fine that you don't know too much about DID! I honestly thought you would since you're almost three years into recovery but that's okay! (Mainly because I have a system friend with a psychology spinterest who taught me almost everything about DID)

Plus it's weirdly? Nice? To have your head not be quiet and have like your own little community in it.

And it also feels nice to get like. Reassurance from someone who has been recovering for nearly three years when I never stepped into a therapy office in my life. Makes me like. Strive to get to where you are right now, that it's possible and stuff

It's really early in the morning rn so Im sorry if i got emotional, but again. Thanks. I hope you and your headmates have a good day, evening and night :)

-🌠 (shooting star anon)

It’s always possible to get better. :)

It makes me very happy to hear this, truthfully. I started this blog because I felt there was a lack of people who spoke on recovery specifically. If my blog has even helped one person feel that they can heal, then that makes my heart so full. <3

I will say though … please do your own research!!! Learning about DID from someone with an interest in psychology is not the same as looking into genuine research and material. Of course, no disrespect to your friend!! I just don’t believe that should be your primary source, especially when it comes to a disorder such as DID.

It also just never hurts to have multiple sources! <3

MYCEEEEE GET OUT OF MY INBOX GET OUT SHOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Tumblr Anonymous.

Eyes here …

What you have put in my inbox is truly troubling. This blog revolves around recovery, yet you are mocking those with the disorder and claiming to have developed DID on the spot. I do not know what is wrong with you, but I suggest you take a good look in the mirror and evaluate yourself. What is humorous about the dissociative disorder? And what drives you to want to develop it? Your jokes are privileged, and you will atone for your blatant mockery in your next life. (All in tik tok nightmare Freddy voice)

While I haven't and Can't be properly diagnosed right now I show most if not all o the symptoms for DID, but im always so afraid that im somehow subconsciously faking it or it's not DID but something Else because I cannot get diagnosed

How do you tell if you at least 78% sure that you have DID? Or does it really all come down to that diagnoses?

(Context: the reason I can't get diagnosed as of now is due to my household. Despite just becoming an adult I am still treated like a child and cannot get diagnosed without asking my parents, and my parents have Very harsh views on mental illness so I'd most likely get looked at weird.)

-🌠 (shooting star) anon

Hello ml!! ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

First— let’s make a very important distinction.

Faking implies *intention*. There is a single way you could fake DID, and that is only if you are intentionally lying whilst knowing you do not have DID. Clearly, this doesn’t fit you!!!

What you are scared of is mislabeling.

I can give you no real identification on if you have DID or not, so I’m sorry about that. DID is very similar to many disorders, so it is hard to tell. I wouldn’t feel right pointing you in one way or another because I’m not a trained professional … Just a silly girl who happens to have the disorder.

Here is what you should focus on— does this label help you? Has assigning yourself DID helped you manage symptoms? Gotten you to care for your mental heath and wellbeing? If so, then please do not worry. Labels are just so we can manage symptoms. Now, if it’s stressing you out and making things worse? It may be worth visiting it when you *are* able to get professional help.