#writeonworld

at some point

stop letting myself

use my own imagination against me…

and stop letting

my memories haunt me….

but theres always a what if??

But.....

...... What if??

And I find myself

Awaiting the paradigm shift

and I am paralyzed

within these thoughts

that keep me scared alive stiff

how dare I sit there

alive and be happy

when the mirror hides

And the fear grabs me

and forces me

To stare at my shit

and I sits there

On the solution

aware that I'm sick

Right beside the joy stolen

From comparing my sins

and my own mind

cant tell the difference

between paradise

and the pair of lies I live

as I dare to dive

into this rabbit hole

and it doesn't even care

if I'll swim

but im terrified

Feeling like ...

....it wouldn't be fair if I win

but please,

Let me clarify

im not scared to die

but more like, unprepared if I live

as they take every breath

of air that I give

fighting to the death

With no less

Than the pair of my fists

clenching my teeth

as the blood drips the ground

from the hair on my chin

and my fangs start to show

through a feralized grin...

M.C. Harold is a Pittsburgh based fiction author

I AM BLACK MAMBA: Short Story Series (Summer 2021)

I couldn't just be

Their stress-free

deprivation box.

Shameless thoughts

I've faded off

Because my chaos threatens

to break their safety locks.

And I'm taking off

Ignoring the fake

Aim take the safety off

And I haven't found an answer

To the pain yet

Exhausted

Writing rain checks

To the process

of my brain health

Try to get Enlightenment

Life is just

an insane train wreck

And I don't know how

to fight the shit

So I sit back

with a 6 pack

And use the fire inside

That keeps me alive

To light my spliff

Which chain reacts

to ignite my gift

Wondering how much longer

I can live life like this

And I can't help but wanna be more

But I am armed c4

On the ledge

on the 17th floor

Looking down at her ghost

Is it me or does it seem

That she needs more

Worrying about me

Has never been

About me before

Lost within her dream

Somehow took a detour

I am not peace...or

Release or

The power of belief

But I tried to believe

I could be yours.

The forth horse cometh

I can see more

They want to feed me war

180 degrees

I am diseased

To thee core

I am not a king

And you're right

I couldn't agree more

I have my point of view

and I've seen yours

honestly I'm probably

in a little bit of danger

considering my level of anger

And the fact that

I don't even want to be

A - ny - more

I try to be grateful

for my days because

I don't have many more

As shes on stage strumming

my pain with her fingers

As she sings her sirens song

I bring her the detonator

Depression threatening

to arrest me later

Then she calls

And seconds later

it's like she's my respirator

I can feel her angels breath

Head on my chest

The after position

that I love the best

But only when I'm

on my best behavior

The Way she moves

provokes my protective nature

Get aggressive

and you'll be a memory

just seconds later

With no evidence

for the investigator

And no one on earth

Will get to save ya

Then I awaken from the dream

Floating impossibly

The cost is cheap

These thoughts are deep

Come get lost in me

And there are different variations

behind each door

you are a star

and I am of the Earth

and the Moon seems

too high a dream

for me to reach for

But we have pain

and I feel like I love in vain

if I don't bleed yours

I'm not insane

I just bleed more

I feel everything

Intensely

Can't keep up with the beat

Im tired

But too wired to sleep

Defeat

I tried to save it

Then my face went

Flat on the pavement

And I'm supposed to worry about

her heartbreak-in

I guess she never knew

about the days spent

emaciated

opium Haze bent

taking out my rage

on somebody else today

Her ghost won't stay away

So I keep the sage lit

I barely got away

She's happy she got away with

Angry and dangerous today

And I just wanna break shit

I thought I was safe

She thought I was a game

I was looking for love

Not trying to be played with

feeling like nothing has changed

cuz nobody's changed it

So I find myself idle in the same cycle

dealing with the same s***

and I ain't trying to fight

Napoleon Dynamite

running off of the stage quick

I want to close my heart

Because we're still apart

and I can still hear your voice

in my brain from inside my cage

destroying my name

you wanted to die at one time

I wanted keep you alive

You wanted somebody to ride

All the way to a grave

I wanted us to escape it

We are not the same

another victim of expectation

Shit doesnt even make sense

lost in This Matrix

and in my mind I'm staring ay my grave

as it caves in

standing at Heaven's Gates

thinking.... Damn

I almost didn't make it in

Busy trying to save those

that didnt want to be saved

But noone is there to save him...

Thinking, "Damn that's some insane s***"

Yeah we were supposed to make it

You were Supposed to be

my safe place

but the place I saved

left my page ripped

and the pages I saved your name in,

Can't be replaced

and I'm running out of space

on my broken heart to put tape in

I wanted your heart

you wanted me to be a security blanket

to fall for the fake s***

and if I didn't invite you into my heart

You were going to break it...

I found the light

And within my weakness

I found the courage

Somehow to fight

As the warrior within me

Screams loud inside

I can't stand the way they lie

Existential visions

interdimensional wisdom

I can see thru your prism

with my third eye

Desensitized

Luckily I forget how to cry

Carry on live

With ever lasting energy

Yet lacking symmetry

Crash chemistry

My passion limits me

She says I love you

But it just doesn't sound right

Life is a constant battle for self

So I'm always wound tight

Vampire's are all around

ominously searching

For a sound bite

Unfortunately

I just don't know how to die

Her engineering is impeccable

Yet threatens to finish me

No Self control

I find that

My own soul is the enemy

And nothing is as it seems

At least not

what it pretends to be

Offended by their ministry

Yet still in search of divinity

Feet in the sand

Heart on my sleeve

Head in the clouds

wishing this Darkness would leave

Traveling against

the current of the crowd

As my sanity

slowly parts from me

Blessed but stressed out

And I dare not start to speak

lest my heart start to bleed

splatter on the page

Its ok my pain is all art to me

Uncharted

attempting to protect

and somehow resurrect

all the Lost parts of me

The fire burns different

When you know

you could have done better

but didn't

So many times we've died inside

sacrificing this life of mine

for the sake of somebody else to live it

Resentments turned me cold inside

another casualty

of another attempt at commitment

How much pain

how insane must I be made

How many "mistakes" does it take

for me to finally get it?

Check my pulse for me,

or just hold me closely

before I Impulsively

make another attempt to forget  it.

I'm not living well

Throw quarters in my wishing well

Some Wishing I fell

deep in a prison cell

waiting for medication

reservations in hell waiting

mental health fading

cradle to the grave quick

like rooftops to pavement

so impatient

and she couldn't be the glue

that holds my broken heart together

so she was gonna break it....

I kept in my sky

I Let it rain

tear drops stain

the window pane

from the pain that I hide

And the light starts to fade

behind my eyes...

It's insane

how fast time flies

Liquid rage

Cyanide Lies

fill my page

As I kill time

Tired inside

Feeling aged

A villain

Still enslaved

I fill this cage

I built from rage

Iron fireflies

As I wonder

is she still mine

Her ghost haunts my page

Exotic on the stage

Exorcize the demons

in my mind

Burn the sage

As I turn the page

before the stress inside

Becomes weaponized

And in seconds I

Release all the madness

I've kept inside

And after this disaster

Noone is left behind

To clean up

this mess of mine

And I've become

Dangerously numb

And unprotected

Unrecognized

In record time

Everything you are to me

Just to make you smile

I would reach into the Heavens

And grab every star you see

And rearrange them in a way that spells the words "Forever 'heart' you and me"

You are the light when I'm not right

And the futures too dark to see

You are the soft skin on my hard scars

You are the better part of me

The other half

of my wounded heart

My muse My artistry

And the bars

that guard the parts of me

that are just too dark to see

You are the motivation

to reach my dreams

When they seem

too far to reach

I'll love you forever

You make me better

From every scar you see

Thru every lesson

Until the reaper of death

Comes to collect

And trust I'll fight that

Until my very last breath

Until you're convinced

And start to believe

That every perfect imperfection

You think you have

Is just like art to me....