#web of thoughts

Nobody looks bad when they're smiling.

There are some dreams, I laugh myself at.

Would be the the day I'd realise

That I have lost it.

Two stars twinkling,

Shining on both sides of the half moon

On a dark, bright sky.

I see the moon, the brightest of all three,

With her scars she carries the soft light that's not even hers,

If you look carefully,

She has a world of her own,

And if you look carefully,

You can even see Santa Claus

With his sledge and six reindeers

Swishing around her, like the invisible air.

And I look and I look,

Just a small being,

Just a lost being in an ocean of tricksters,

Just another trickster trying to survive.

At times I wonder,

Who is prettier?

The moon - with not even a ray of light to call her own,

Or the two stars, giving away light to a family of planets of it's own,

And I pause to realise,

Why does it matter?

i dread every relationship — romantic or otherwise — will end one day, like the final day of school, or the last time you see your hometown.

it's this weird feeling where being in a relationship feels really good but i think i should much rather be left alone. only have friends that don't care about me that much, that i just laugh with sometimes

i think it's because i've been conditioned to see every relationship as temporary. "don't be too happy! don't get too attached!" people say, preparing you for heartbreak, but it kind of gets in your brain and you just go into relationships with the expectations that they'll all end.

when i was young, this was a rational thing to think. i was lying about my age on the internet at that time, and i knew every e-date i'd get into would eventually have to end because at some point they will need to known my real age. i was riding it out as long as it'll go, but when it came to actually meeting up or something, i'd dismiss it as a Future thing.

now that i'm older, i look at things and see that disconnect is still there. like i know i don't lie anymore but i still expect people to come and go. that eventually people will leave me and it'll go back To The Status Quo.

i'm in a pretty serious relationship now. multiple actually. and while that has subsided, i still occasionally think about it. that some day this will end and i'll go back to feeling alone.

back in the day, that was kind of comforting, because i wouldn't have to constantly live up the lie, and i liked being alone and on my own.

nowadays that thought has given me the worst dread i've ever felt in my entire life. i hate that thought and i want to abandon it. kill it. murder it.