#spilled everything

My love for you is just like the weather. It changes based on the seasons we go through. But it will only ever get more intense.

As the leaves colour change and shades us rain or shine. I know that I want to be with you in all times.

Every storm you feel coming is another profession of my love. It will never go away.

When Franz Kafka said;

“It would be better if you didn’t come, since you’d only have to leave again.”

But our very own Ahmed Faraz wrote;

The part That keeps all your air And the part That cages your beast Is the part That makes sure it is guarded From the part Of my predatorial feast

The part You bare with your hands When you lift a part Of your tee So the part Is laid for the taking And a part Of your breast I can see

The part That's a wedge for my fingers Is the part Where my lingering lips Kiss the part Just below your heaving Till a part of them Reaches your hips

I can’t get it out of my head.

You walked away.

You made your choice.

And somewhere along the way,

I stopped being it.

So tell me

why does it matter what I’m doing now?

Why does it matter whether I heal,

whether I smile,

whether I find my feet again?

You left.

You don’t get to close the door

and leave the key under the mat

with the words,

“Maybe one day.”

No.

Love doesn’t work that way.

You don’t get to abandon a future

we were still building

and expect me to keep the foundation standing,

hoping you’ll come home someday.

I loved you.

God, I loved you.

I wasn’t dreaming alone.

I was laying bricks beside you,

planning a life beside you,

believing we’d weather every storm

because that’s what love does.

Love isn’t only sunsets

and laughter over dinner.

Love is the ugly days.

The terrifying days.

The days when neither of you knows

what tomorrow looks like,

but you still reach for each other’s hand

and whisper,

“We’ll figure it out.”

That’s love.

Choosing someone

when life becomes difficult.

Choosing them

when it’s easier to leave.

Unless trust is shattered beyond repair…

unless betrayal has poisoned everything…

You fight.

But that wasn’t us.

We could have fought for us.

Instead…

you fought your way out.

And that’s the part that tears me open.

Because if our places had been reversed,

I couldn’t have walked away from you.

No matter how exhausted.

No matter how scared.

No matter how broken I felt.

Because I loved you

more than I loved the comfort of leaving.

I would have stayed.

I would have fought.

I would have chosen you.

Every single time.

I’ve tried to close this chapter.

I’ve told myself it’s over.

I’ve packed away the photographs,

silenced the memories,

learned how to survive another sunrise…

Yet somehow,

I always end up back there.

That day.

The day you walked away.

The day every breath abandoned me.

It felt as though the air had been stolen from my lungs.

I kept trying to breathe

just one breath…

one single breath

but nothing came.

I sank.

Like a stone thrown into dark water,

falling deeper and deeper,

until I reached the bottom.

And there I stayed.

While life,

uncaring and relentless,

dragged me wherever the current pleased.

That’s what healing has felt like.

Not swimming.

Not living.

Just drifting.

When I remember you,

I don’t remember seven beautiful years.

I don’t.

I remember your voice.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“There’s nothing left to talk about.”

Those words

echo louder than every “I love you”

that came before them.

Seven years…

Reduced to a goodbye.

Reduced to a silence

I never chose.

I have forgiven you.

At least,

I tell myself I have.

But forgiveness doesn’t erase memory.

It doesn’t silence the echo.

It doesn’t stop me from reliving the moment

my whole world collapsed

while yours kept walking.

So when I think of you now,

I don’t see our adventures.

I don’t see our laughter.

I don’t even see the love.

I see the door closing.

I hear your last words.

I feel my chest cave in.

And where seven years of love once lived,

there is only

pain…

anger…

and the empty space

where forever

used to be.