#unknown illness

I’ve been flaring up for like 2-3 weeks, and it’s been worse than ever before. My mobility is terrible, I’m getting low-grade fevers and flu-like symptoms every day. I’m in a lot of pain. My skin burns. I’m napping 2-4 hours most days.

Since I started going way downhill when school started, and I am constantly pushing myself to my energy limits to keep up, that school was the reason. I’ve been deliberating on leaving (I’m in nursing school and it’s super rigorous and long hours for me).

First crisis- I find out that if I do a medical leave of absence I’m potentially going to have to pay $10k out of pocket because they take away my grant money. I CANT WORK because I’m disabled, I just go to school. My husband provides for us and we’re trying to save money to start our life. This amount of debt out of pocket would cripple us.

Then, I go to my rheumatologist for an urgent appointment. I tell her about my symptoms. She says that my lupus and fibromyalgia are both managed really well, and my symptoms aren’t from either of them. She said she doesn’t know what’s causing my symptoms, she is concerned, and I need to see a neurologist. She didn’t think school was the cause.

She tells me that I should stay in school because I’m going to feel worse at home, even though I feel terrible afterward. She said I wouldn’t qualify for disability because my diseases don’t explain my symptoms. She said I need to do more therapy, do mindfulness and think positive.

She said it’s my choice to make about school but I can’t do *nothing* (I know that), and that I’ll feel bad and lose my self worth if I stop going. She said if I didn’t want to be a nurse that was okay (not the reason at all that I’m considering leaving but honestly at this point fuck it all).

I don’t know how to do this. I just don’t. I can’t do it anymore. I sobbed on the way home, told my mom I don’t want to talk about it, and now I’m crying in the shower.

Cane's don't seem to work well for me.

So i was thinking crutches. But I'm so tired all the time that I worry that wouldn't work either.. but being plus sized. And young. I'm so scared of judgement by others over me being in a wheelchair.

But. My current thing is is i don't have a diagnosis yet. But I've been seeing doctors for almost 5 years trying to find out what is wrong. Over these years I've been suffering from a horrible exhaustion that doesn't go away no matter what I do. And pain that is most times unbearable but I grit my teeth and deal for the time being.

They try to laugh it off and their friends do laugh. They’ll bring it up later as an amusing story and Whumpee smiles along and nods at the more dramatic retellings of coffee spills and silly falls.