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@that1disabledchick
You ever feel so lonely because no one cares about you as much as you care about them? Because I do. All the time. I give and I give and I give, but no one actually gives back to me. And I’m trapped in my flesh prison knowing that my body will never be the way I want it to be. Knowing that illness eats and erodes and destroys things that I enjoy. And I can’t fight back because I’m using all my energy trying to hold onto people so I’m not lonely.
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I post a lot of “down-in-the-dumps” things on here, and to be honest that probably won’t stop. However I wanted to say that despite the sorrow and heartbreak that is being disabled, I am still here. I am still trying. I am still determined to become the person that I want to be, not the person I am forced to be. There are hard days and success isn’t linear, but by god do I want to keep pushing on. Anyway yeah that’s it. Gonna cherish the good people I’ve got around me and keep going. If someone hasn’t said this to you today, I love you and I’m proud of you. Keep going.
“It hurts, I’m in pain,” I scream out in these halls. But all I see are blank faces matching those blank walls. Sorry this is happening. I wish that I could help. Just another platitude to put up on a shelf.
We treat facts here, not people, so I don’t know what to say. I guess I just wished that there was another way. I’ll do any test it takes and I’ll try any other treatment. One more try just leaves me with another simple achievement.
See you in 4 weeks they say as they hand me a report. Another new appointment that just keeps ending up short. This cycle never ends, except that it gets worse. I want it all to fix itself before I end up in a hearse.
This endless chronic pain it lives inside my brain and hides behind the echoes of my pure distilled disdain.
It keeps spreading. I ignore it; confine the thought away in a locked box in my brain. It’s better that way. I live. I laugh. I go through every motion. Except that deep down, it’s still spreading. It’s spreading into every nook and cranny it can. It doesn’t want to let go now that it has its hooks in me. It gets harder to ignore now. It gets harder to fake being ok. I sit in the shower and cry. I can’t wash my hair. It spreads. I sure wish I knew how to make it not spread.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
When managing your health becomes your full-time job (and you miss being a person)
You know that moment when your health complications go beyond your “normal,” and your body and brain just go into freeze mode?
There’s so much to do. It’s overwhelming. And your body barely works.
It’s been two months since I touched a book, colored my feelings, or journaled.
Lately, I’ve just been playing Barbie Secretary™: researching, scheduling, preparing, going to appointments and tests, waiting for results… and repeating the cycle.
I do it at my own pace, even if it’s slow — because that’s what my body allows. And honestly, that’s valid.
But you know what? Some big scary things got ruled out — like certain Ehlers-Danlos-related conditions and serious eye issues.
And no, I didn’t just start using glasses — I just hadn’t updated them in two years. Because, well… life.
So now I’m giving myself a break from being Barbie Secretary.
I’m switching to Barbie Who Rests™. She’s earned it.
You never realize how hostile the world is to mobility impaired people, until you become one.
Things appear to be chair/cart friendly, until you actually have to use them. Everything is so badly maintained, and you get stuck everywhere.
Let’s talk about hostile architecture.
I had never noticed how there’s literally NOWHERE to sit down
All because they want to prevent unhoused people from resting. That’s already awful, but it doesn’t just affect them. It also impacts those of us who deal with mobility issues, chronic pain, or any condition that makes standing for long periods exhausting.
And when there are seats, they’re often uncomfortable or unstable. Want to go out to eat? Suddenly, you’re doing detective work: checking if there are stairs, whether there’s an elevator, what kind of chairs they use, and if the bathroom is even remotely accessible.
It’s hard to face flare ups. The pain comes on so suddenly and makes me want to crawl in a ball. But I have a job. But I have commitments. But society isn’t built to accommodate disability. So I go out and exist and I try my hardest not to scream when the pain gets hard or my body gives out.
I’m trying to be gentle on my body. I’m cleaning makeup off in bed and listening to audio books because my eyes are too tired to focus on vision.
But it’s still hard. Disability hurts.
Being on vacation as a disabled person is a tricky balance. There’s always this want to enjoy vacation and do the next thing, but also sometimes I have to just slow down and remind myself that it’s ok to rest. It is ok to just go back to my room early. It’s ok to advocate and say hey I need to step out so I can take medicine. It’s ok to ask for help. I hope vacation can be fun and safe for all disabled people.
It feels like I’m in a bad movie. I can almost see it play out if I dissociate enough. The person gets bad news and drops to their knees in sobs. It really pulls at the heart strings. No one ever expects the movies to be real life. Today I learned in my disability journey that sometimes accepting things is hard. I wish this sounded better.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I thought they finally had a clue. I thought I was finally reaching for the answer. But it was just another red herring. I’m so tired of being in pain. I’m so tired of it.
Some days I wake up and I feel so much excitement for the day. I am so excited to do things, to be active, and to exist. Then I am hit with the realization that I cannot do those things. I can try but I only get through one thing before I hit the wall. 6 months ago I could have done those things, but the changes have happened so quickly. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to do those things. I’m not sure if my brain will ever adjust to the urge to do so much and the inability to do so. I’m sure I’ll adapt and figure things out. I’ll ask for help and find new systems, but for now it’s just hard. This week they’re doing more tests. I wonder when it’ll be the test that’ll finally have answers?
I’m frightened and I feel like I can’t say that. Which is silly, but I’ve tried so hard for so long to work through my limits. Now I’m just at the limit. I’m exhausted all the time. I’m in pain all of the time. I went to the doctor and cried for the first time since I was 2 years old. It’s hard and I’m scared. I’m scared nothing will ever show up for me. I’m scared I’ll be stuck just feeling like a failure because I can’t exist properly in an able body world, but apparently there’s nothing wrong with me.
I've been thinking on how to explain the physical and emotional overload of being disabled and I came up with this analogy. When you try taking a single step it's pretty easy. You've done it your whole life, but then try saying a math problem while you take that step. That makes it harder. Then while you're doing that try to remember to keep your posture straight and pay attention to how your foot is actually moving. Then from there try doing a task all while thinking about where you are in space consciously and doing those math problems and doing those simple things. Simple things get layered up with pain or discomfort and suddenly something easy like taking a step is something hard and tiring. Disabled people aren't lazy. They're just doing more to get less.
I am disabled. I’ve been so afraid of saying those words. They’re portrayed as bad to me and others in media so often. Disability isn’t bad. Disability just is.
What makes disability scary is the way the world isn’t accessible. My needs are more than abled people’s, but the priority for my support is less than abled’s. It’s frustrating. This week I’m looking for a new job. But it’s hard because so many jobs say they’re accessible, but the fact is they aren’t. They don’t have chairs that won’t make me scream. They don’t have schedules that allow for me to call out when I’m in too much pain to think. They don’t have people who care to ask how they can change.
The world isn’t accessible. Disabled people have to fight so much harder just to exist. It is so hard to take up space as a disabled person. If you’re disabled in any way even if it doesn’t seem like much or even if you aren’t ready to say you’re disabled, I hope you can find a space where you can just exist.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I hate that there's no way to be disabled that people will accept.
If you show joy, or acceptance in your disability, you're not really disabled and no one will take you seriously when you do complain and well it can't be that bad and oh I'm sure you're used to it.
But if you're miserable then you're whiny and annoying and people hate that it's "all you talk about" and its always ugh you're always tired and can we please stop talking about this it's making me depressed and oh I'd kill myself if that happen to me.
If you're happy you have everything figured out and don't need help anyway but if you're miserable you're a whiny bitch that can't just suck it up. There's no winning
Another day another ouch. Idk why chronic illnesses and chronic pain have to be so excessive. Some days it feels like the symptoms will never end.
