02/13/18
I realize I donāt post here much anymore and I want to change that because I think itās important to document this journey with myself. The mindset and the waves of emotions that ebb and flow are all important, and itās important to write even when nothing happens. Itās like checking In with myself, in a way that no one else does, in a way that I wouldnāt expect anyone too.
Today, I feel impatient. Yesterday I felt content. Tomorrow, I might feel scared. The waves of emotions that surge through me from day to day in regards to my transitioning are all scary and confusing, but also very important. Itās a good reminder that Iām taking my time with this big life changing decision, and my fears and worries, all stem from the point that it matters.
I find myself being very open to social media about who I am, without actually saying what it is Iām facing. I always post about this very important journey that Iām on, and well, anyone outside of my friend group who knows me in the slightest way, probably had a pretty good idea at what Iām getting at.
I donāt think the news, once it is made public, will be shocking to many. I think a lot of people will claim they saw it coming, or at the very least, be able to look back at all my posts and say oh, there are all the clues.
It just makes sense. From the time i was young until now, there was always something. Something I couldnāt explain, something I couldnāt quite pinpoint, something that made fitting in seem uncontrollably difficult. I blended well all these years, chalked it all up to being a lesbian, and refused to look at myself in the mirror. That was, up until travel.
Travelling has been the mirror I needed to see myself in for a long time. I am more secure in myself then I ever have been and Iām STILL not living my entire truth. I feel at peace just knowing who I am, I can only imagine how free Iāll feel once the world knows, and once I go on testosterone.
I try to envision the day I get my first T shot. Will I be scared, anxious, nervous, excited, regretful, guilty, all of the above? I canāt know now. All I can do is embrace my life each and every day and take my time getting to the place of finally developing my body in a way I see myself.
This past weekend, when I went to Portland with my gf, we met up with my friends that I had when my first assignment was there. They donāt know about my being transgender therefore they still call me she/her and Carissa. I told my girlfriend that we would have to make this shift and she said sheād try her best. Well she fucked up, right as we got there. As we were talking to them about something Iāve done my gf said something like āyeah well when he does this......ā and everything fell silent. I laughed and we continued talking all while giving her a death glare. The rest of the weekend she did super well at using she/her pronouns and calling me carissa. As proud as I was for her respecting that, I also think it was a lot for her to process. I shouldnāt have to ask her to play a part with me, I should just be myself unapologetically, but Iāve noticed Iām still hesitant around certain people. I need to spend time with these feelings and thoughts, and process what it is that is holding me back. Why Iām so proud to be a trans man when just accepting it in myself, but why Iām so fearful when sharing with other people.
For the first time in my life, I have these feelings that partly wants to keep private about MY life and MY transition. Part of me asks why itās anyoneās business and part of me says that putting myself out there only allows the world to come at me with negativity and biases. At the same time though, thereās a lot of positives. Thereās a lot of support that would occur, new friends and new resources, and thereās a lot about the message, that trans people do exist and that we are here and real and valid. I am a successful person in society, striving through this journey with myself, and I want to be one voice amongst others that says to anyone else struggling with their identity that itās okay, and you will make it out alive.
I feel like so much self love is needed to get here. And I feel like knowing yourself as much as you possibly can is important in this process of feeling mentally strong and mentally certain in who you are as a person. Therapy has helped me tremendously. Talking to other trans and queer folk has helped. Following trans guys, watching their very real journies, coming out to my family and my friends, talking openly, navigating through all the awkward questions I ask myself and others ask me. Itās all part of the journey, and it helps to feel it all.
Iām going to try to do better at writing on here but for my lovely followers and anyone else who might see this, feel free to message me. I, by no means, have all the answers, and each day is a different take on this journey. But ultimately, the theme is positive, and I will always push others to stay in tune with their true selves and to always always love yourself. You are all beautiful people, and letās not face this journey alone...letās face it all together.















