Fear of not being a trans... Weird right ?
Heyaa! This time I'd like to talk about probably biggest fear that I have, probably a weird one and most likely not understandable by most of the people, and like the title of this post says, it's a fear of not being a trans. So let me get into this.
To begin with, I will say that I'm into questioning and exploring my gender already for like a decade, in other words - ever since I found out about transgender-ism and found community of people feeling similarly, and that's when I started to suspect that I'm a trans, but after some time I discovered that it might be just a fetish, so I started to suspect that, but at the end I decided that it's not just a fetish.
Sooo, why did I suspect it's just a fetish ? Briefly saying it's because all the time after I got to an orgasm, all the feeling and desire to be a girl used to go away, and feeling of shame with thoughts of "what the hell am I doing" would kick in, so that's used to be a main reason for thinking it might be just a fetish.
Now let me talk about why and how I decided that it's not really just a fetish...
Well, to begin with I'll say that even when I was just a child, I really liked to get dressed in girl's clothes, when I had opportunities to play with nail polish (like when I was near some family friends, women I mean, I enjoyed painting nails for her), and I did that without any thoughts of sexual thing (also I was way too young to even think about sex). Other reasons why I decided it's not a fetish is because I never go into girlmode with a thoughts of having sexual activities, and when I see other girls and don't really think of "oh how I liked to be/have sex with her", but rather think of how I'd wish to look like her or just being jealous of other girl's look. There is really lot of reasons why I decided it not being a fetish, but I don't want to expand about it so much, so to finish with, I must mention that even if I get orgasm and all the feelings and desire to be a girl disappears, it doesn't take long until those feelings and desires comes back and I get back into girlmode and I just continue with my day as a girl.
Besides, after researching more about it being or not being a fetish, I found out that having those guilt, shame and etc thoughts after orgasm is quite normal, as I understand it's because of hormones flooding the brain after orgasms.
Now this is where I will mention for the first time that I also have some addiction issues which I'm battling, but today I won't talk about it. I mention this, because I want to talk about that when I'm being high, it's when I start to want to be a trans/girl mostly, so one question started to pop up to me a lot, and it's "what if it's substance that makes me feel so"... But thanks to internet, as I was able to research this again and seems like I'm not the only one who has this dilema, and so after researching this and thinking about this I come to a conclusion that substances and being high simply removes lot of inhibitions and let's to feel more freely about this and accept fact of being trans easier. Also during the time when I was taking HrT meds, I was clean and had no hesitations of taking the meds, and I guess if it would be substances that makes me feel trans, I wouldn't even think of taking HrT meds when being clean, guess no cis-male would even consider that.
All in all, I do believe that I'm really supposed to be a girl and all these concerns of mine is just an unreasonable doubts, and I really believe that working on fully accepting myself for who I am is what I really have to do!
