crokoak's log

i was on holiday so i'm yet again a little late, the 3 months mark was on July 25th but !! we'll pretend it's today. i started doing my own injections all by myself, i'm so proud and so lucky to be comfortable around needled lol

𓇼 my voice cracks ALL THE TIME, like i need to focus super hard to get it to stay still, otherwise it just goes ↗⬳⮃⭤ ↸ ⤱ i can't meow properly, i can't repeat what my cat says and can't talk to her in a baby voice. devastating /s

𓇼 my boobs are getting smaller & i can wear an oversized shirt without my binder and feel comfortable. wtf it's insane <3

𓇼 i get misgendered in public ONLY when: i'm nice, i show empathy, i'm funny, helpful, polite, and when i get excited for sth. otherwise: i'm perceived as a young man. LOL

𓇼 the changes i'm experiencing are happening quite fast, and i'm struggling to keep up mentally. i'm not comfortable with change, whether i view it as fairly positive or or not. there's a constant battle in my head as i ask myself if i like these changes or not (do i enjoy my "new" voice ? is getting more masculine the answer to my dysphoria ? will i ever feel comfortable in my gender expression? do i enjoy being perceived as a boy/man?)

so many questions i can't answer by myself so: i need to find a new therapist lol

𓇼 i still sweat a lot. the clean towel is a life saviour..... i was wiping my back constantly on holiday ᕙ⁠(⁠ ⁠:⁠ ⁠˘⁠ ⁠∧⁠ ⁠˘⁠ ⁠:⁠ ⁠)⁠ᕗ

𓇼 i'm getting hairier broo like my ass? didn't notice it until now, but there's a forest growing. my upper thighs also! but otherwise it's just growing steadily since last month :)

𓇼 my appetite STABILIZED. THANK GOD

𓇼 my period is manifesting in a weird way (i need to tell my doctor about it), like i've had light flow for the last three weeks (on and off), but so light i didn't need my diva cup or anything, and now it's a normal flow? how long will it last? tf? luckily i don't feel pain at all which is so. liberating

𓇼 still cry a lot!! :)) /pos

for me it's a form of empowerment and it can help with my dysphoria. i'm like mildly famous on pinterest ┐⁠(⁠ ⁠˘⁠_⁠˘⁠)⁠┌ and i see people save my pins in "men makeup" & "androgynous" boards all the time, among cis men (lol). it's v cool

anyway!! little inspo for y'all in case anyone wants to see what colourful masc makeup can look like.

i've been busy working on my portfolio so i'm a little bit late, the 2 months mark was on June 25th but !! we'll pretend it's today. my dosage is still at 0.5ml and the results so far are mind blowing, like i can't believe it

i anticipated how patient i'd have to be, i didn't want to be disappointed and frustrated if the evolution was too slow.

ᕦᕤ but i pass in public now? and ik it's summer and i'm usually more "masc" cz i wear shirts and shorts all the time lol, whereas in winter i like to layer and be more fashionable, but my voice used to be that one thing that would prevent me from passing ig. now it's deeper and i almost never get misgendered on the phone!

ᕦᕤ my voice cracks sometimes, like when i have to speak quite loud for a long time or when i scream wHAt.

ᕦᕤ being misgendered in public doesn't affect me as much now, because it's like a perfect balance between he and she lol

ᕦᕤ i still sweat a lot. found two ways to cope: deodorant cream and a clean towel in my backpack at all times ᕙ⁠(⁠ ⁠:⁠ ⁠˘⁠ ⁠∧⁠ ⁠˘⁠ ⁠:⁠ ⁠)⁠ᕗ

ᕦᕤ clit still getting bigger lol

ᕦᕤ my appetite is definitely more manageable now, although it's still quite high

ᕦᕤ new hairs on my sternum, thighs, stomach (and upper arms, but v fine). my partner said that my mustache is getting darker!!

ᕦᕤ no anger issues, no irritation at all

ᕦᕤ still cry a lot!! :)) /pos

ᕦᕤ i've put on some weight, not much, i'm trying not to freak out. it's hard because of my ed, but I've been trying to look up to more diverse masculine figures in my life. when i see my brother who's like, not a twink, i'm like yea sure i'd like to look like that. progress

i can't believe it's already been a month!! it's slow because for now I'm microdosing (2x0.5mL), but I can't say that nothing happened. i'm gna go over everything that's changed so far :-)

✧ i did my second injection in my left thigh and it was absolutely horrible. it was so sore the next few days i could barely walk lol, next time I'll do it in my ass <3

✧ I'M CONSTANTLY SWEATING. HELP. I'm always hot. I literally told my roommates they could tell me to shower if I stink (but I hope we won't get there). I feel like the smell is stronger but not different tho

✧ my clit got bigger. and more sensitive. yea

✧ i feel like my voice is starting to get deeper if i make it deep on purpose (like when i ditch my gay voice to talk to a stranger). it's easier and sounds more natural ? a few days ago I answered the interphone and got called "sir" lol

✧ I'm definitely feeling more hungry. I used to be able to eat two meals a day and feel fine, and now I need to eat lunch or I'm starving between 1pm and 7pm. it's annoying :-) i don't want to eat more ;-)

✧ I'm trying to focus on eating veggies and proteins, but I feel like I've been gaining weight nonetheless. aaaa

✧ I haven't noticed new hair growing or anything

✧ my friend told me I was giving teenage boy behaviour and i- don't know what to think about that

✧ my libido hasn't changed! but I don't expect it to change since I'm ace

✧ I got my period right before my second shot and it was weird ¿ brown discharge for a week and then blood for another week. ok

✧ I'm not feeling "angry" or more irritable/irritated than usual lol, no mood swings at all

i hate men. every day i find new ways to dislike and despise them. i cringe when i'm referred to as he except in Italian (i haven't figured out why). i'm open to seeing my gender fluctuate - especially while on T - and sometimes i wonder if I'll turn out to be a boy. i really don't want to, does that make me undeniably non-binary or a man suspiciously in denial?

picture of my cat cz why not

i also bought a new deodorant, a solid stick type? it looks efficient! I'm tired of smelling like shit <3

i had my first T shot done last friday, it was the best day ever :)

my doctor was so sweet and patient, she answered all my questions with clarity and honesty, she's literally the best. she asked me if i wanted to do the injection in my thigh or in my ass and even offered me a cat band-aid. i had another blood test done for the endocrinologist, no follow-up yet.

i'm at a half-dosage for now (0.5mL) given my wacky hormones and the fact that i don't want to "look like a man" lol.

i haven't noticed any change yet, i've been sweaty and hungry but the temperatures were really high in belgium this week and i've been waking up early so that means early breakfast and early lunch hunger.

i cried today reading warrior cats (leafpool's wish), so that's good! i'm trying to stay fed, clean and hydrated :)

my greatest worries as of now:

-not being able to cry

-acne (idk how to deal with that)

-weight gain (i had an ed and IDK HOW i will deal with that)

-growing a beard?? i don't think it'll suit me

-chest/back hair

-crazy body odor (i just want to smell good please)

il complimento più bello che ho mai ricevuto