touch-averse bobby headcanons!!
basically a part 2 to this post about alex being touch-averse :3
he honestly can’t remember when it started getting really worse, but bobby has always had a problem with touch. it’s high on the list, with the texture of sand and the sound of chalk. it was just,,,, one of his Things.
and he doesn’t mean to, but whenever someone hugs him it makes his stomach twist and his breathing go panicky, and he doesn’t mean to, he really doesn’t, but he lashes out when it gets too much. he gets too stiff and he pushes whoever the offending party is away, and the rest of the day his shoulders curl in and he’s tense
he doesn’t remember if there’s a reason for it
and he tries to make friends, but sometimes even a handshake or a high-five will make him feel queasy, set his teeth on edge, have his muscles tight for a long time after
after awhile it’s easier to be alone than try to work around a friendship without touching, or making someone offended when he pulls away and clams up at the smallest touch. it’s easier and it hurts less
(even though it still does hurt)
so when he meets alex, it’s like breathing again after being stifled
alex is quiet and standoffish, and he’s more sarcastic than soft when he does speak up, but bobby doesn’t mind. he’s that way too sometimes, especially on the days when every sound is too much too much and his shirts feel all wrong and he’s still expected to ‘be normal’
so he makes himself make a friend again. and he tries to be careful and let alex know he’s not gonna say the wrong thing and get pushed away, and in turn alex is willing to sit next to him quietly, a few inches apart so they both have each other’s presence without worrying about being uncomfortable.
and then reggie and luke come along; he doesn’t know who came first to be honest, luke with his puppy-eyes and vibrant grin, or reggie with his sweet smile and funny (if often mistimed) jokes. either way they come barreling into his life, disrupting everything with their touchy-hands and words when silence is better
he’s mad at himself for how many times he shuts down or walks away when luke gets too loud or reggie slaps his back, because he wants to like these people, but he CAN’T, and he can’t be the friend he wants to be and why can’t it just be him and alex again, a few inches and years of understanding between them??
and not only do they stay, but.... they get a little bit better
it starts with reggie, and bobby might tease him about being oblivious, but he starts getting quieter when he sees bobby starting to tense up, and bobby thinks of the night when they had all stayed out late and reggie admitted that sometimes he’d sneak out at night to escape his parents yelling. bobby makes sure to give a grateful smile to him next time it happens
and then luke is doing it to, less fist-bumps and grabbing of shoulders, instead he’s bobbing his head when he’s extra proud and hyped, trading his physical gestures for more compliments, not like he lacked in them before
and bobby thinks this might be okay, these boys with their quieter words and still-wide smiles, trading their rough hands for bright words, for bobby, for alex.
and slowly bobby gets to the point where it’s okay, the small touches
he still likes to know when it’s coming, and sometimes the days are bad and he can barely stand the weight of the shirt on his skin, the rub of his jeans, let alone the heavy hand of a person, but some days...
some days it’s not just tolerable to feel someone’s hand in his own, it’s NICE. it’s nice to link pinkies with reggie and let luke ruffle his hair, and it’s NICE when he’s bumping shoulders with alex, smiles splitting wide across their faces like the sun through a cloudy sky
hugs are still hard, too much and too trapped and heavy heavy heavy, sick to his stomach and shoulders tight, curling into himself
the days when he can hug them and it feels alright?
those are the days he could cry from happiness
(and even when he can’t, it’s okay. it’s okay because reggie will smile, and he’s learned to like the silence. it’s okay because luke will look fondly at him and say “you’re incredible bobby” because God knows luke’s love language is words of affirmation and he tries to show the boys he loves them and loves them and loves them. and it’s okay, because alex still sits by him, and the quiet and the space between them is still good. still theirs)
(he doesn’t need to be hugged by them to know he’s loved abundantly, and he’s so so happy to realize that he doesn’t need to hug them for them to realize he loves them back)
it’s a shame the last time he holds them is all shaking limbs and eyes blurry with tears and too much, too much, sirens in his ears and red and blue and screaming and he’s hugging his boys one last time, one last time because he might not need it to know he loves them, but they deserve a pair of arms to hold them when they can’t breathe anymore, they deserve a boy who stayed with them, but since he didn’t stay they deserve a boy who will hold them until it doesn’t matter anymore. until the only one it can matter to is himself. until he’s clutching empty promises and empty hope and empty love where there used to be his friends
