#suicidality

I’ve been debating with myself whether I can reclaim “crazy” but you know what I’m going with it. I really doubt having constant messages in my brain informing me of all the possible ways I could kill myself is a sane person experience.

The idea of me living an "average life" can make me feel seriously depressed. In that moment, it feels like my whole sense of self is falling apart. The depressive feelings only last for a short while (between an hour and a day), because I quickly convince/remind myself that I will live a "special life". I don't think this is healthy, but atleast it stops me from killing myself.

My suicidal thoughts are so loud lately that I have to like actively keep thinking of and telling myself reasons to keep living. I'm actually so unwell but living in this charade where I pretend that I'm handling everything fine. But I'm not and idk what I'm supposed to do. Seriously

The way that since playing disco elysium, my suicidal thoughts have been genuinely a little easier to deal with. Cause yk what, Harry Du Bois had a way worse deal going on, and he somehow made it out alive, and he might just be polygons and good writing, but if he can pull himself together after six years of booze and speed and ideation to solve a murder, I can pull it together enough to go buy oat milk and fill in an online form for HR.

I’m so suicidal these days I’m literally walking about like a sim waiting for my next command otherwise I’m completely destabilised it’s awful !