monstrosity (darling)

Dean realizes, as he's tying his shoelaces this morning, that this body has never touched Dad. He stops, his fingers fumbling and the beginning loop coming undone.

Dad has never touched him. This body has never thrown up after giving its first, terrible blowjob, this body has never laid awake at night nauseous and terrified that Dad would come home drunk. Dean still doesn't know how to properly mourn Dad, a man that he loved so much it made him ill, but who terrified him more than anything living or dead.

But his hands never touched this chest, or pressed bruises into his legs, or ripped a fissure in his ass that Dean had taken so much ibuprofen for that he had to be taken to the ER.

Dean blinks at his hands, and realizes they are shaking slightly.

Dad's never touched him.

This body, that feels so strange, like Dean was put into it wrong. Dean looks down and sees all of his fingers are perfectly straight, his nails are perfectly even and clean, and his cuticles are low and intact. The bumps and scars and bruises from a lifetime of hunting are completely gone, wiped clean.

His left wrist doesn't have that slight bend in it from when Dad held his wrists so tightly that it caused hairline fractures that broke proper on their next hunt.

Wiped clean.

Dean feels...relieved, he thinks, the tangled ball of white, hot, agonizing emotion that thinking about Dad always brings pulses behind his sternum.

Now he can love Dad and miss Dad and know that Dad...never technically touched him.

Dean can lose his virginity. The thought makes him actually laugh out loud, and Dean is grateful Sam's already outside putting his stuff in the trunk, because suddenly it's hilarious.

Dean laughs long and hard, so much that tears spring to his eyes, bent over at the waist with his shoelaces untied.

Dean, who lost his virginity in the single digits, a virgin. Rehymenated.

Dean gets to pick who takes it.

Dean eventually stumbles out of the motel room, and claps Sam on the shoulder. Despite the fact that angels are apparently on their tails and Sam hung up the phone hastily when Dean walked out, the freedom is dizzying.

Dean is clean. Dean can pick who dirties him. Dean is untouched.

Dean is alive, and he's free.

~~~

i hope this was alright anon! dean being re-hymenated is MMMMM. "nobody is a virgin" dean winchester? gah. also, my little samdean brain wants SAM to take his re-hymenated virginity oh my god could you imagine? sam would be insufferable. he'd rip dean's pants off with his teeth.