#spoonless

trying to continue on with your plans for life with an undiagnosed Something is like. you have a low level fever for days and can’t do anything about it. people tell you you’re too young to feel this way, and most people find the pain goes away with tylenol. you have bottles and bottles of pills but you’re in pain anyway. you use a cane but don’t feel like you deserve to. you can’t afford to go to the doctor, you’re not even sure you can afford rent. you’re trying to make grad school and following the career path you’ve wanted your entire life and living in a city work. you’re not sure if you can keep doing this much without destroying yourself. you go to work. something’s wrong. you go to class. something’s wrong. you go to the grocery store. something’s wrong. you call your mom. something’s wrong. something’s wrong. something’s wrong. and what can you do about it? how can you even begin to ask for help when you don’t know what’s happening?

ultimate curse - too tired to get up, too hungry to want to stay in bed !!

I want to live more than anything. The thing is, my body wants to make that really difficult. It constantly robs me of the things I love. It changes so drastically that it becomes impossible to carry on doing the things I adore or that make me feel even a little bit productive and useful. I get it. I listen. So I try to adjust and adapt. Let go of things I’ve loved because sometimes holding on is more painful than the act of letting go. I attempt to change my perspective and alter my goals/aspirations. I try to find new things that I can do within my limitations. I attempt to sculpt a new path for myself. And I do. I find something else and I try my best to make peace with what I have to leave behind so that I can embrace what I have gained. But then, my body chimes in, changes more, stops me again and says, “nope. You can’t do that either.” And the cycle begins again. I’m just so tired. I’m just so tired of trying to adapt, only to adapt again… and again. Until there’s not many other options.