Vers le cygne

Autiste : *Stimme,porte un casque antibruit, monologue*

As usual, I did m'y researches, and if course some medical exams. Not those for Fibromyalgia yet.

But yes, body pain, daily, dizzyness, light hyper sensitivity and this awful stuff some if you call brain fog and which seems to be the exact words I was looking for.

Hey

It has been a while. Surprisingly, people still are reading some billets of mine. I am really glad if I can be of help.

So, er. I live with my autism. I am happy. I might write something about this, one day. Being an happy autistic person. Maybe more for newly diagnosed fellows, or their parents. Being autistic is not a condamnation. We just have to find our way, and we live just as well, with struggles and joy.

Ah. It’s probable I have adhd, though. It’s amusing me a bit. Like, yeah, both often go together and it seems logical in my chaotic and nonetheless very organized daily life.

Less funny is this other stuff. Maybe the real reason I came back tonight. I have a new hypersensitivity to light. Thought it was autism related, but it goes with dizzyness so painful I am on meds for them. Also, body pains. Muscular ones. Exams shows my brain is healthy (ha !) so this is a relief. But there are days my whole body hurts and I don’t know what to do. So I’m back to a long wavering diagnosis route.

If I ever find an illustrator, I’ll create a comic book. It will be called « «Medical Wandering Sucks » !

Right. I’ve accepted I endure trauma from daily life events. I accepted it’s okay to feel this way and that no one is allowed to tell me whether my life was traumatic enough or not. 

Maybe you will one day, maybe you already did. But know this : 

You don’t have to WORK on it. 

You don’t have to immediately have the energy to see a psychologist/helper to work on it. You don’t owe the others any work on your traumas. 

Like, really. You need to take care of yourself. First. 

I won’t seek help, because I don’t want to work on my reactions when someone insult me. First, they shouldn’t have in the first place.

Second, when you’re neurodivergent, you get the “You need to work on [insert any damn thing here]” every day, sometimes every hour. So yes, make efforts as anyone should make efforts. But you don’t have to work on every thing, you need rest, you need self-care. Right now I’m working on my ponctuality problems, and it’s way enough. 

Because these last days, issue came about how I functiun. I received pretty harsh words. And since they were rather true, I’ve thought it through. And what people think as controlling behavior is response to huge panic issues. What people mistake for “not hearing criticism” is “survival state to avoid hurting myself badly because I think I deserve it when I make a mistake”. 

That might not be the case for everyone. People could see it as excuses. Frankly, it’s not. I try my best. 

Then, to every, every account ever writing “No one is allowed to decide wether what you lived is enough to give you trauma”, thank you. Because it helped me get I was heavily traumatised, enough to enter a survival state each time someone say something negative to me. So I don’t know what caused it, but I’m pretty sure I don’t have any huge family secret or repressed memory that could explain it. 

Sometimes, daily life can traumatise you, as no one reacts the same way. Sometimes, people telling you daily how different, unworthy, monstruous you are without any adult intefering is enough to create trauma. 

They hurt my eyes now more than before

It's been a while! I'm not exactly back but I have some questions for you! I might post a bit sometimes

First of all, I am okay. Better than my last posts! We beat depression and it s a huge thing!

It’s been two months. 

I can’t stand it anymore. Being locked down. I Know it’s for my health. I know we needed it. 

But the truth is, I don’t feel helped. 

I feel like I’m going mad, as in, litterally insane. My head hurts, I can’t think, I can’t focus, I can’t do anything. I’m trapped inside my body, with thoughts and boredom and I’m scared. 

I’m terrified all the time, I have panick attacks. 

And if it goes on like this, I’m scared of how much I can still take. Because therapists aren’t being any help here. They don’t KNOW how to help me, how to help us. They say it’s hard for everyone. Probably. But not everyone is as terrified for their mental health as already sensitive patients. 

Therapists aren’t helping me. We talk, but they don’t have any solution. They don’t bring me the support I need. They aren’t able to push away depression. 

Do you here have the same problems ? What do you do ? 

Father : *Blackmails brother*

Me : *Three days with nightmares, including the naps*

Brother : *Can't sleep anymore*

Hey autistic folks !

Am I the only one really disturbed by most “funny” movies ? 

French ones especially. They often joke about rape. What is fun about it ? About gay people, fat people, and some jokes are racist. 

Also, most of the trouble the characters have wouldn’t happen if they actually communicated with each other. But no, they behave like hypocrits with their best friends and can’t stop lying. 

S.O : What are you doing ?

Me : I'm baking ! A chocolate cake !

S.O : You do know it's 9 p.m ?

Today, I’m proud of myself. 

I started to work about a year ago, with kids, in schools. It was tough. I had no understanding of working social codes, and I discovered I was too easily exhausted. 

But I worked this whole week for a holiday’s kind of kindergarten, which is ten hours/day. 

I did not have any panic attack. I managed well my stress, my activities, my authority. When confronted to difficulties, I stayed calm.

This is a real progress. This is the achievements my bosses thought I could have, and I proved them right. I did not disappoint them. 

I realised i should propably tell you, though you might have figured this out, that when I answer the posts, even my own, I will appear as Redmacbeth, because I (once) created this main tumblr that is mainly unactive now. 

I don’t know if I can change that, if yes, I haven’t found the way to. 

I think I progressed with my non-binarity and my dysphoria. 

I wore a dress today. Not because I was a girl today, I’m in a very guy mood lately, but because it’s a nice piece of cloth, which is stimmy and perfect when I really am tired. 

I wore a dress. I still felt like a guy, and it made me think “It does not unvalidate me. I feel comfortable being a guy who wears a dress”. 

(Of course it would have been better if society had though I could be a guy wearing a dress too, but then, we need time). 

But this, is thanks to tumblr, and Assigned Male (even though I’m not always agreeing with this comics).