#spilledthought

I held his hand and pulled him closer He looked at me and I at him A Charming Awkwardness had set in, patiently waiting for the inevitable kiss

He leaned forward, almost touching his lips with mine Just then, something changed in the air The Charming Awkwardness was replaced by Burdening Shame

He looked away and let go of my hand The ancient ghosts of patriarchy and tradition stood there They were trespassing the most intimate space of my bedroom

They were staring at us I felt them too   

I held his hand and pulled him even closer, I leaned forward, bringing my lips close to his ear

‘We should be proud’ I said ‘When they make love it is nothing more, than a simple act of passion’  ‘When we make love it is much more, it is a brave act of defiance’

I’m putting much thought into this, i don’t know if i’ll ever show you this or let you read it. but it’s a goodbye latter, not to you, but to us. goodbye to what we had, to what we could of have had.

i knew this would happen sooner or later. i knew it that night, it was cloudy and raining. we went out for ice coffee and hamburgers, parked the car and talked for a while, then i asked if you where doing me dirty. i hold my breath, hoping you wouldn’t lie to me. but you looked away and said “no” you said no, ha. i asked again while looking into your eyes, once again you looked away while you said “NO” i knew you where a lying piece of shit that night.

the worst part is, you knew. you knew how broken i was, how much pain i had taken from my last relationship. i told you all about it, and you still decide to do me like that. instead of leaving me when you had the time, but you made me fall deeply and madly in love with you. it took me two months to fall for you, in those two months i asked you to leave me alone if you where just going to waits my time, but you promise you wouldn’t.

i turn into a naive person for you, believed your lies when i knew they where just lies. but i still saw the good in you, even after learning how much of a shity person you are. but i also fell in love with that person, i learn to love your dark side.

how could i not? it matched my own dark side, both had a twisted mind. i never admitted it but that’s was what most called to me about you, that twisted, dark and madness side of you.

no, i don’t regret you. i don’t regret us, we had something beautiful and special. it was short, but also it felt like we where together for years. we lived so much in such a little time, and i enjoyed every time of it, even our arguments and fights.

you asked why it was so easy for me to leave every time we called it off. i never really told you why, not because i didn’t care about you or our relationship. i just don’t have the energy to fight for people who don’t wanna stay in my life, i’ll rather say goodbye than stay and hurt each other more then needed.

i tasted the emptiness you would leave in that last kiss you gave me. i should of have listen to you when you said “don’t fall in love with me” that was my sign to say bye and walk away with my heart still intact. but i learn to trust you, i learn to love another soul, even after i promise myself i wouldn’t. now here i am, writing my feelings away.

i patched myself up again, just to try it once more with you. i ended up falling and breaking once more. i cried for you, now you’re just going to me a memory... another story of boy meets girl.

thank you for everything and all the beautiful moments....

My cries will echo through these halls

fire shall be found

hiding amongst my breast

behind piles of brittle, dead leaves

Holding hue closer to dirt than green.

Quick

Before they ignite

Hear my cry