#spilledprose

Can I sleep next to you in your bed?

Can you kiss me goodnight and good morning?

Can I spend afternoons reading on your daybed and pet the dogs?

Can we talk until we fall asleep?

Can I tell you a secret while I’m under your covers with your hands around me? Inhaling each other’s air.

It’s that You feel familiar, in a way I can’t place. I’m nervous and scared about how fast I’ve fallen, the safety and comfort you’ve made me feel. I want to push away but I can’t find the fear or hesitation that usually pulls me back this time.

One day I'll wake up in my room

Next to the whispering ocean

A cold space within my head

All my dreams safely forgotten

Open the doors, drag my toes

Through the crumbling sand

To feel alone and alive

they say that if my thoughts are strong enough it'd transmit to you and manifest in a visual form so i'm sorry. i'm sorry if you wake up late at night, troubled and confused. that was me trying to make a dream contact with you. i don't mean to disturb your sleep. i just want to remind you i'm still here.

i'm sorry you had to fill the crevices of my broken heart just so i won't be emptied of love again. i emptied you instead.

i can still picture you touching me in places no one else ever had. i imagine you kissing me like i was water, and you were a lonesome traveller who have ran out of supplies. i cling onto these memories but they are only silver strands of what once was, a poignant blur of the night i turned nineteen. and i know memories like they are my friends — they evanesce as quickly as they manifest.

i'm sorry if your name still wanders between the margins of my unsent letters to you. i'm sorry i wrote you in a miscellany of old and new poems. it's the only way i know to cope with your absence.

there are times when i feel unloved, as if all the universe conspired against me. i think of you and suddenly i am happier — just in a sad kind of way.

i understand that you're happy without me but i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. i still want you.

in my dreams, hope has been keeping me company — that someday you will be back, that our story is not over yet, that i can continue holding on to you, to us. but then i wake up and layers after layers of realization and sadness blanket me. how am i supposed to hold on to something that already let me go?

youy uou yout yoy yi8 ypu yiu YoU.

good night, good night, good night. i will embrace my pillows tight and pretend they're warm enough. good night, good night. i hope to wake tomorrow feeling... good — even without you by my side — night.