#selfposts

I know what people think - that people with NPD (or ASPD) don’t feel love. And you might have been right - if there was only one way of ever feeling love. But you know what? I do love people! I get happy and excited when I see my friends recovering, even if they’re still in pain, I get angry and protective when they’re sad, and I feel possessive and altruistic towards them when I can!!

Helloooo

NPD affects how I think other people view me and how I view myself. This won’t be an exhaustive list, because I cannot pretend to be completely self aware, but here’s some more obvious ones.

I have an expectation (which I personally believe is normal) that other people will be kind and respectful towards me at all times. They should also do their absolute utmost to ensure I have everything I want and need. However, I do not subconsciously believe I should have to do the same.

Someone says something I think is rude and it sets me right the fuck off; I get so enraged it gives me physical headaches and causes me to dissociate heavily.

Someone criticises me, even if it’s constructive, and I simmer in rage for days. I can never forgive them for it, even if they beg. I have to force myself to forget via distractions and restart the relationship I have with that person from scratch.

It gives me moments of extremely, delusionally high self worth, and overall/daily makes me feel like I’m “set apart” from others by virtue of “just being better” with no real underlying truth (though I think I’m smarter or better looking or even more morally correct).

I also have had issues with being passive aggressive, sarcastic, demeaning, mocking, and bullying; not that I don’t know what I’m doing, but rather I don’t care, or I’m trying to push to see how far I can push this person. It’s an impulsive desire that I’m working on curbing.

I don’t feel “love” easily. This might be more related to my other personality disorder (paranoid) but I don’t relax enough to let anybody emotionally near me. Even friends I have had for years, I struggle to think of as “equals” who are really on par with me and worthy/deserving of my love.

My autism affects how I communicate with the world in general, including people, but also objects, time, and place. Symptoms I have include;

not liking eye contact, not finding it necessary to hold eye contact,

auditory/tactile/visual sensory processing issues,

finding it very very difficult to adjust to fit social groups (even though I desperately want to, because “fitting in” gives me a great deal of respect and therefore pleasure from an npd perspective),

not understanding sarcasm or unspoken communication, or any sort of vague/unclear communication,

extreme difficulty making friends as early as anybody can remember, as I was a “quiet, watchful, a-social child” who was often bullied for being weird or not fitting in,

speaking often in a very formal or stilted way with very stiff or nonexistent body language and facial expression,

having special interests (though I admit this had become difficult post major trauma, as hypervigilance prevents me from fixating and focusing on things very well).

I also struggle with, as a separate issue from the previous paragraph, saying things that are mean unintentionally (as well as the separate intentional/impulsive words) because I don’t understand where the boundaries lie for other people.

I also want to note, something which I find very important for comorbid dx, is that I have always displayed autistic symptoms, right back to preschool. I didn’t start displaying prominent, continuous narcissistic symptoms until I was at least about 14 or 15, though I had had my moments in childhood, they were scarce. I had always been a nervous and sheltered child, and I had suffered anxiety most of my life, but I didn’t display enough paranoid personality disorder symptoms for a diagnosis until I was 17 or 18.