#self distructive

I am possibly the most competitive person in the world."

Me, tonight at the bowling:

Dear you,

I want you to know that I loved you. Truly. Deeply. Excruciatingly. I loved our FaceTime calls that lasted for hours and watching movies together from different rooms; homes; cities; countries; continents. I loved how you called me baby and whispered i love you over and over again through the phone. I loved when you'd ask me to sing your favorite slow songs as you tried to fall asleep. I loved that you always stayed up when I wasn't tired so I wouldn't be alone, even though you were seven hours ahead and had to wake up in a few hours. I loved when i could hear your breathing even out when you finally fell asleep at night. I loved that you drank your tea from a yellow mug and wore yellow when you missed me because it was my favorite color. I loved that you talked to me as if you were right next to me. I loved when you called me beautiful even when my hair was a mess and I was clad in sweatpants. I love that you taught me what love felt like. 

I hated when I had to hang up the phone. I hated that we weren't watching movies off of the same screen. I hated that I had to hear you say i love you through the phone rather than hearing you softly whisper it into my ear. I hated that we couldn't sing our favorite songs while slow dancing in the refrigerator light at 3am. I hated that we had to fall asleep in separate beds with nothing to hold but our pillows. I hated that you were seven hours ahead and lost so much sleep to stay up with me. I hated that I couldn't see every ounce of stress and worry leave your body as you fell asleep at night, softly snoring. I hated that we couldn't sip tea together as the morning sunrise shone across our features in a sea of yellow and golden hues. I hated that I had to listen to your voice through a speaker instead of feeling the vibrations of your words as I held you close and carried on meaningless conversations. I hate that I couldn't hear the words you're beautiful roll off your tongue in your accent as we laid in bed wasting the day away in our pajamas. I hate that I took all of your love and gave so little back. 

Our love story was a tragically beautiful poem that was ahead of its time. Written too soon. My heart loved you from across an ocean, but my brain couldn't even think of the beach. 

I was a seventeen year old girl who fell in love with someone she'd never met. Yet, when I think back to that time, as I sit in my room nearly three years later, I know that I have never felt love the way I felt it from you. So why is it that I decided to break your heart. I was scared. We were getting so serious and I was scared that we would meet and you wouldn't want me anymore. I was young and insecure. I was selfish. I shattered your heart into a million pieces to ensure that you wouldn't have the chance to break mine. 

Sometimes when I think about you, I wonder if my decision to leave you was good for you. I think I always knew deep down that I was a hinderance on your growth. I knew that you needed to sleep more. I knew that you needed to go out and party. I knew that you needed to focus on your school work. I knew that you needed to become your own person. I knew that if you were dating me, none of that would be possible. Is this an excuse for my selfish, toxic behavior? Or is this me being an adult and knowing what's best for other people's interests?

I lay here thinking about how you fought so hard for me to stay and I realize that the day where I forgive myself for the way I hurt you will never come. No matter how many times I apologize, it will never be enough for the boy I loved and never met.

do i self medicate with drugs and drinks? do i self obsess with work and responsibilities? do i self distruct with media and activities?