#reconciliation

Isaac felt weak with relief when Gavin pushed open the sliding door to the back yard and walked into the kitchen - bringing Morja in tow, their hands clasped together. Isaac’s eyes fixed on their hands, dread sliding into his chest like a knife. His gaze crept upward until it met Gavin’s. Gavin inclined his chin, and Isaac saw the truth written on Gavin’s face, stark as a death sentence. 

We were wrong. 

Isaac’s throat tightened. He swallowed so that he could breathe again and looked at Morja. 

Morja’s face was red, his eyes swollen and fixed on Isaac’s face with a wary sort of hope that made Isaac’s chest ache. 

Isaac took two steps forward. Morja didn’t flinch away, the way Isaac feared he might. He didn’t go rigid the way Isaac would have. Instead, Morja leaned forward, and the faintest sound of a whimper left his throat. 

“Isaac,” Gavin murmured. “We fucked up.”

Isaac looked at Gavin once more, his hands spasming at his sides. 

Gavin held out the hand he had clasped with Morja’s, as if offering it to Isaac. “I think you two should talk,” he said. “But…” He faltered, and his eyes shone for a moment. “He isn’t like you, Isaac,” he said. “Are you okay with being touched, Morja?”

Morja wet his lips as he looked at Isaac. “Y-yes,” he breathed. “Please.” 

Isaac nodded. He took Morja’s hand and felt the shudder that coursed through Morja’s body at the touch. He turned toward the couch. “Do you want to sit? We can just…?”

Morja’s eyes flicked toward the hallway leading to the bedrooms. Isaac felt his body rebel at even the suggestion. 

I can’t take him to my room so soon after–

If it were me, I would have killed him if he tried to–

But Morja wasn’t him. That’s what Gavin said. And Morja said he was alright with… at least this much, so far. 

“You… want to go to my room?” Isaac rasped. 

Morja nodded, looking like he was half expecting to be laughed at for the suggestion. Isaac turned to lead Morja to their room, throwing a glance back at Gavin. Gavin’s tears had spilled over and were running down his cheeks.

Isaac led Morja down the hallway, fingers squeezing Morja’s warm hand. Once they reached the bedroom, he shut the door and sat down on the bed. Morja stood in the center of the room, arms wrapped around himself, trembling in every limb. Guilt seared through Isaac’s chest as he realized Morja had tears sliding down his face. 

He’d never seen Morja cry - not really. Not when Isaac had held him through the worst of Finn cleaning his wounds. Not when Morja thought the family was going to kill him when he first arrived here. Not after Schiester tortured him. 

But… this had done it. This. Isaac’s mistake. Isaac’s catastrophic fucking misread of the situation. 

His hand was shaking as he held it out. “Morja,” he said. “I… I only thought–”

Morja didn’t take his hand. He didn’t sit down on the bed beside him, either. He collapsed to the floor at Isaac’s feet, weeping softly, and pressed his forehead against Isaac’s thigh. 

“No,” Isaac breathed as he slid off the bed and wrapped his arms around Morja. Morja only cried harder, bawling into Isaac’s neck as Morja wrapped his arms tight around him. Morja clung to him, crying like his heart was broken. Tears burned in Isaac’s eyes. 

“Please,” Morja sobbed. “Please… let me stay? Please, please, Isaac, I’ll never ask for anything, I’ll… I never will, I… I want to be here, please.”

“Fuck,” Isaac whispered. He buried his face in Morja’s hair. “I’m so sorry, Morja. I… I didn’t… I was just trying to give you space, I… I thought… you might want space, after…” 

Morja only sobbed harder, his arms locking around Isaac’s neck. 

Isaac squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m sorry. I didn’t… I thought…”

I thought I was going to watch you die.

How many more times am I going to think I’m about to watch my family die?

His stomach clenched. He thought he’d been about to watch Morja die. And then he’d hurt Morja by being so, so wrong about this. For weeks. 

He’d left Morja alone with the fear and pain for weeks.

They were so alike in so many ways. They were so goddamn alike. But in this small way… Morja wasn’t like him at all. Morja needed this. Maybe from the very beginning, he needed this. 

Carefully, Isaac kissed into Morja’s hair. Morja let out a choked sound and turned his face toward Isaac’s. Isaac kissed his cheek, damp with tears. Then the corner of his mouth. Then his lips. 

Morja gasped softly. “Isaac.” He pressed their foreheads together, cupped Isaac’s face in his hand. 

This was too much. Isaac was doing too much. He was going to hurt Morja. He was being selfish; just because he missed Morja these past few weeks - just because he’d wondered if Morja was ever going to want him again, ever going to want to touch him again - didn’t mean he should be pushing things this far. If it were Isaac, he would have–

Softly, tentatively, Morja kissed him back, soft sobs still shaking his chest. Isaac let out a shaky breath. 

“You’re so good?” Morja said brokenly. “You’re so brave? I-I didn’t think–”

Isaac pulled back and searched Morja’s face with his gaze. Morja’s eyes were squeezed shut. 

“I didn’t think you would… that you… knew… what you signed up for, for me.” 

Isaac’s eyes went hard. “You were a diathésimos,” he rasped. “I knew from the first day we met that you had been… that that had been…” 

Morja’s brows pulled together. He opened his eyes. “Oh,” he whispered. 

“Yeah.” Isaac kissed his forehead, then both cheeks. They sat on the floor together for a long time, holding each other. Isaac felt Morja’s heartbeat through his ribs. He felt the warm solidity of his body, the strength of his arms, the roughness of his hands. He felt Morja, and felt the ache in his throat at how much he’d missed this. 

Morja heaved a shaky breath. “Isaac?” he murmured.

“Yeah?”

“May–” Isaac heard Morja swallow, and felt his heartbeat speed up. “Can I–” Then, slowly, he disentangled himself from Isaac’s arms. Isaac felt the hollowness of the loss. His clothes began to cool without Morja near him anymore. Morja leaned down and rested his cheek on Isaac’s thigh, curling into a ball on the floor, looking impossibly small for such a broad man. Isaac’s hand rested in Morja’s hair. “Can I rest here… please?”

Isaac patted the bedspread next to him. “Do you want to just come up here? Take a nap with me?”

Morja swallowed again. “Could I…” He spoke the rest in a rush. “Could I lay at the foot of your bed?”

It was Isaac’s turn to swallow. His stomach felt cold. “...wh-why?”

Morja’s face and neck flushed. He pressed his face into Isaac’s lap. “Feels… safe,” he said, his voice small. “Can be close and feels…” He shook his head and didn’t say anything else. 

Isaac wet his lips. “Um…”

“I’m sorry if that’s too much,” Morja breathed. 

It wasn’t… it wasn’t the same. His place with Rosa had been keeping watch, sleeping on the floor, cleaning their weapons, and patrolling their camp. And with Colleen, he’d been chained to Gavin’s bed like a pet. It wasn’t the same. It wasn’t.

But for Morja… if this was what he needed, after Isaac had already fucked this up so badly…

“Y-yeah, Morja,” he said weakly. “If you… if that’s what you need.” 

He pushed himself to his feet and helped Morja up alongside him. Morja looked up at him, his face so open, eyes so vulnerable and trusting. Isaac’s chest ached once more. He leaned down to kiss Morja.

I’m sorry. 

Morja kissed him back. 

It was Morja who broke the kiss. He took Isaac’s hand and pulled him to the bed. Isaac laid down, half expecting Morja to change his mind and climb in right beside him. Instead, Morja crawled to the foot of the bed and stretched out on his side, eyes turned up toward Isaac. 

Isaac felt a little strange looking down at him. “That okay?” he whispered. 

Morja nodded and leaned his arm against Isaac’s calf. “It’s… it’s good, Isaac,” he said. “Thank you.” 

“Yeah.” Isaac’s lips trembled, and he pressed them together for a moment. “I’m… I’m here, Morja. I’m always gonna be… right here.” 

More tears flooded Morja’s eyes. He pressed his forehead to Isaac’s leg and heaved a long, contented sigh. 

Title is from this song, which is the song for Isaac/Morja: