#rewrite later

He had pulled you onto his lap not even two minutes after you approached him, expressing interest in his physique and well tailored suit. You had to play the part of a dimwitted and eager to please patron of the club hoping for a few extra kruge and a night with a hot man.

Really, he wasn't that ugly of a guy, he wasn't. He was tall and well fit, a head of nice thick, shiny curly hair that reminded you a little of Wylans but a little more tame, and skin absent of too many blemishes with a sharp jawline and dark brown eyes that were the only thing you could bare to look at. But he absolutely reeked of alcohol and the sweats were making him stink like no other. And really, his personality was not something you could fawn over.

He was prideful. And while it's not an inherently negative trait, it /was/ annoying to no end when it's the only thing that makes up your personality.

You guessed you could say he was attentive too. He noticed right away the small tattoo that was, unknown to him, tailored onto your chest by Nina. He also noticed how expensive your dress was, the jewelry around your neck and the pearls hanging from your ears.

Yet, he didn't notice the small dagger sheathed beneath your dress on the same leg he was caressing in a ghostly manner.

It made you want to vomit. You hated how goosebumps trailed up your skin at the contact and the way he smirked when he felt them raise. Hated it, hated it, hated it. It wasn't even a horny hate either, it was a truly disgusted and revolted kind of hate that left you feeling like you needed to take a bath in the best acid Wylan could cook up.

You fluttered your eyes at the man holding you, giggling for good measure. He patted your thigh and rustled you with a growl. Your decorated fingers found purchase on his chest and around the back of his chair. You let out a squeal you hoped sounded enticing and more sexual than pig like.

He patted your thigh in approval, and you did your best not to rip hid hand from your body and break it.

Looking up from Mr. Strait, the target, your eyes found Kaz. His jaw was tight and eyes more narrow than usual. His gloved hands (which you might mention, have a new pair of thinner gloves more fitting for a servant than his normal leather ones) seemed oddly tight around the post of the fence separating the pit and upper floor, but it was a little hard to tell. It was even harder to tell whom he was staring at.

Was he mad at you? Were you doing this wrong?

The papers felt heavy from their place in your bra. They were folded neatly in just the way you had spotted when he cleaned out his pockets to find a lighter for one of his pals.

You needed to do this right, or everything was screwed.

"I finished her in less than five minutes. She didn't know what she was in for when I walked into that little room of hers." Strait bragged, the rest of the people around the table and ones passing by either laughed out of pity for not wanting to correct him that that wasn't a long time and she probably faked it or were genuinely impressed and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Quite impressive, isn't it darling?" He asked you, tilting you back just a bit.

"Very, sir." You purred, keeping your eyes on his.

It was a bit startling to realize that his eyes reminded you of Kaz's. You hadn't picked up on it before but the color was very similar, the shape of them being similar too. But they lacked the slight bags and look that shut crowds up in an instant. They weren't calculating either, and not nearly as observant as you liked.

But they would have to do for now.

Kaz came around to your table, a bottle of the clubs champagne held tightly in his gloved hands. How he got it, you didn't know, but were grateful for the distraction.

"Champagne, sir?" He asked, leaning down a little and holding the base of the bottle while leaning the neck on his hand.

"Yes please!" A man on the opposite side shouted. A few more agreed, while others held their hand over the top of their glass, Mr. Strait being one of them.

You thanked the Saints that he was finally done drinking.

"What about you, love?" Strait asked, turning to you. And to make it extra clear that he was talking to you, he bounced his leg, watching as your tits jiggled.

A moment later a shout in protest was called from across the table. You turned in time to see Kaz staring directly at you and flinch backwards, the tall glass he was filling overflowing with champagne.

"My apologies, sir." Was all he had to say, but his eyes flickered back towards you as he picked a towel out of his apron and began to pat the table dry.

That had to have been on purpose, right?

"You should be! You brat." The man grumbled, but picked up his full glass of champagne and was happy to down half of it.

Kaz stood up straight once he had dried off the table to satisfaction, and continued filling the rest of the glasses. Once he was done, he turned to you.

"If you need anything else, call." He spared you a second more and walked off.

You smiled at his retreating figure. "An odd one, that one." Straight said.

"Indeed." His friends agreed.

You watched as Kaz walked away, his shoulders tense. And while that wasn't unusual, it did seem a little different. If Kaz was off his game, then something must be terribly wrong.

Suddenly, the lights turned off.

15 seconds. That's all you've got.

You screamed in surprise along with a few other guests, pressing your body against his. The lights began to flicker, sending up a few more screams an anxious clambering.

As discreetly as possible, you pressed closer and slipped your fingers into your bra. On the next wave of flickering you adjusted yourself, boldly pressing your hands into his chest and replacing the documents whilst blocking the view of the other guests at the table, ignoring the way his fingernails dug into your skin with piercing pain. Once the real ones were in hand, you slipped them into your bra exactly where the fake ones once were. With one last blast of flickering, the lights switched on.

You tensed your muscles, mimicking scared shaking on the man before you. He began to shush you, his hand going to your hair.

Within moments Kaz came walking over. "Excuse me, ma'am. Your ride is here."

Instant relief flooded through you. You turned back toward Strait and smiled at him, fluttering your lashes once more. "Thank you for the wonderful evening, sir."

He seemed a little taken aback, no doubt by your quick change in attitude, but simply nodded his head with a smile. The man clasped his hand around your wrist before you could go, though, and placed a hundred kruge in the belt strap of your dress. "Pleasures all mine."

You giggled and winked at the man, sauntering off as casually as possible.

Kaz walked beside you, his bad leg only having a slight limp. Though if he was even showing that he had one, you knew it was bothering him badly. Maybe that's why he was so angry before.

It wasn't until you made it to the rendezvous point that you allowed yourself to rest. You took the kruge from your belt and slipped it into your bra on the opposite side of the papers.

You put your hand on your hips and bent down at the waist, allowing everything in your lower body to stretch. Your thigh ached a little where the man had dug his fingernails into you, two of the little crescent marks bleeding a little, staining a very tiny portion of the bottom of your dress where it had relaxed.

"Shit." Nina would have to check that.

Speaking of Nina, she came next with Matthias and Jesper in tow, Inej having already arrives silently some moments ago.

"Wow, I don't think I have ever seen Kaz Brekker so openly pissed at another man before." She began, a smirk on her features. "And I've seen him cut out a man's eye before."

Inej smirked, her eyes now looking at you.

"Quiet, Zenik." Kaz's jaw clenched. "Its a rendezvous for a reason. Don't speak of the job till we're back at the Slat."

Nina's smirk only grew wider. "If you being jealous and overprotective is part of the job then I missed that part of the debriefing."

"Nina~" you whined. "Can you look at my thigh and stop bugging Kaz, please?" You gave her puppy eyes. She would do it anyway, but it was fun to tease.

She perked up. "Why? Did something happen? What'd he do?"

Matthias looked at you, following Nina as she stepped forward to inspect your injuries immediately, Inej not far behind. Kaz stayed back, but he was staring at you intensely.

"Its nothing serious, I hope." You lifted the dress quite a bit to give the wounds a wide berth, the dagger peaking out a little from beneath the cloth. "He was just gripping me really hard when the lights started flickering. Speaking of which-" you looked to the alley where you came from "-where's Jesper and Wylan?"

"Probably eating eachothers faces as per usual." Nina remarked lowly, wiping the blood with a cloth she procured from her little travel bag. Inej snorted.

"They better get here soon." Kaz looked towards the alleyway too, but immediately turned back toward you, his normal gloves now safely tucked over his slender hands. You wish you had seen the switch.

"Its nothing more than a surface cut. Do you want me to heal it?"

You were going to refuse, but-

"Heal it." Kaz interrupted. "Ketterdam is dirty, Strait even dirtier." You could have sworn he growled at that. "Better safe than sorry."

A smirk played on Nina and Inejs face, while a faint blush played on yours. Matthias stared at you with what you could assume is a knowing smile, and you stuck your tongue at him in retaliation. He rolled his eyes.

"Well, I never!" Nina put a hand over her heart. "Kaz Brekker? Actually worried?" Her eyes were wide and mouth dropped open, but there was an unmistakable grin in there. "Well, it's not surprising considering who he's worrying about."

Nina turned to you, wiggling her eyebrows in her own raunchy manner. "Nina, please just heal me so we can get to the Slat and I can change out of this horrible itchy dress."

Nina, Jesper, Wylan, and occasionally even Matthias have insisted that Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, Bastard of the Barrel, has a crush on you. A crush that left him sputtering for his breath and his heart literally (as observed by Nina) skipping beats. A kind of love, actually, is the word, that left people jealous for just how infatuated he was with you.

But considering how open they were about this teasing, you were even less inclined to believe it than their usual gossip.

The only one excluded from this being Inej, who just watched the teasing from afar with a a very slight smile on her face. You had no idea what that meant, but it probably didn't mean anything in your favor.

Though looking at Kaz now, his eyes trained on your now healed thigh and his cheeks and ears dusted with a light pink, you weren't so sure. Though, it was a little chilly out. Maybe his face is just cold. You definitely were.

Like magic Jesper and Wylan came around the corner.

"All right, Jesper?" Inej called.

"Never better, Inej darling." He had his usual flirtatious smirk on. "Wylan here just forgot where he placed the last bomb."

Wyland groaned. "I did not forget. I knew where it was just... only in a general sense." His freckled face flushed pink.

"Its okay, Wylan." Hesper put his arm around his boyfriend. "No harm no foul."

Kaz bristled a bit. "You should have been here earlier. If they had seen you snooping around the building you could have jeopardized yourselves. And the mission should you have come sprinting back here." He fixed the lapels on his suit.

Jesper and Wylan just nodded. A small "Sorry Kaz" muttered beneath their breath. They weren't really sorry, obviously. And upon closer look at their slightly ruffled clothes, Wylans more tousled than usual hair, and Jespers now apparent slightly abrased skin on his neck, you knew exactly why.

You sent a wink at Jesper the moment he looked at you. He tipped his hat and winked back, which only made Wylans blush worse.

"Now that everyone finally made it here, lets move." Kaz approached you, his expression blank and his hand out. "Documents?"

You reached into your bra, pulling out the the documents and handing them over to Kaz. You tried your best not to brush your fingers against his, even though they were gloved, but he had other plans. His thumb firmly held your finger against his palm. You could feel the small slit in his glove and the way he stiffened a little when he felt it too. He retracted his hand and opened them, checking them over once, before nodding and gesturing with his cane for everyone to follow.

Where he got his cane? You, again, had no idea.

You all began to follow, Kaz leasing the way and everyone else hanging back with you. But to be absolutely honest, you were just running on auto pilot. You tried to remember the feeling of his hand against yours, but it was so quick and unexpected that you couldn't remember anything. It was just a little cold.

"He likes you." Nina whispered in your ear.

"He loves you." Jesper slung an arm around your shoulder.

"No?" It came out as more of a question than a statement. "It was an accident. It had to be."

Nina groaned from beside you. "No it wasn't! Brekker has feelings for you!"

"When was the last time you have ever seen him be in love like you describe? You're just reading things wrong."

"But that's exactly it!" She jostled you, her hands shaking your shoulders. "He doesn't do this with anyone else! It's just you!"

"Nina's right." Matthias piped in. "The demjin feels for you."

Your heartrate spiked, and Nina could feel it. But it wasn't completely for the reason she thought it was.

"Could you guys please quit it?" Your voice was edging on shakey. "I really don't think he does, and I don't want to read this wrong and go through completely unnecessary embarrassment. I-" you flapped your hands "I just got okay with the idea of this being one-sided and I don't need you guys giving me false hope."

You felt your heart rate plummet, and yanked your body away from Nina's.

It wasn't a lie. You really did accept the overwhelming possibility that this was one sided and not meant to go anywhere. Kaz Brekker does not feel that way for other people. He does not feel lovey dovey feelings and most certainly does not actively take on weaknesses if he can help it.

You would be a weakness. Something that people could use against him. Even if he did feel for you, it would not be something he would make known or act on.

"Y/n-"

You out your hand up. "Stop. I just want to get home, change, and go to bed."

You wrapped your arms around yourself, and marched down the paved road, watching Kaz's uneven steps as everyone made their way back to the Slat.

-------

The lights of Ketterdam glittered below you, the thick smell of wet stone and a little bit of coal infected your nose, although the smell of books and a tad of ink was mixed in there from Kaz's office behind you.

You would sit on the roof, but you didn't want to bother with your clothes feeling sticky with wet soot and temporarily dyed hands because of it.

It just sucks that he wasn't here to keep company.

Not that he would actually be saying anything. But it was nice to hear the way his pen would scratch against the documents, the sound of the papers as he sifted through them, skimming their pages, and the quiet but heavy sighs when he found something out of order.

It was also nice to watch him while he worked. And you mean that in the least creepy way possible. It was a little inspiring how dedicated he was to what he does and the Crow Club. Sometimes you caught his eyebrows scrunched for a little too long and wanted to smooth it out, your thumb pressed heavily between them, the feeling of his skin intoxicating against your fingertips.

You wouldn't ever, but you couldn't help but wonder what it felt like.

It was strange how you could hear conversations and the occasional pair of heels clicking against the ground from so far away, but that's the fun thing about Ketterdam. It was never silent. Even when it was slower during the early morning or odd hours of the night. There was always something going on.

The Slat in particular was as boisterous as ever. The sun was still just barely peeking over the horizon, meaning groups were coming in and out frequently after completing jobs at the Club. A loud holler and cheer would erupt from the ground floor signifying a well liked member was successful, and other times a loud crash would puncture your ears when an unlucky pair got into a tussle (though that wasn't nearly as often as the former).

"Its nice."

The voice startled you until you realized who it was. You turned your head to find Inej standing behind you from your place in the window sill.

She probably came here to do the exact same.

You scooched over, giving her more than enough space beside you. She took it soundlessly.

For few moments you sat there in silence together, watching pairs as they perused the slowly darkening streets. Loners would pass by too, but not often. The smart ones would already be inside.

"He really does like you, you know."

Your heart plummeted, exhaustion from the weight of the statement making tears prick at your eyes. "Please stop." You slouched. "It's really not funny anymore"

"And I'm not joking."

You turned to her to find her already looking at you. She was beautiful in the setting sun, dark skin practically glowing.

"I don't believe you." And you knew the statement hurt. At least a little. You Inej didn't lie to you unless she truly had a reason to, but you couldn't allow yourself to believe it. "I just don't."

"He's not one to be obvious, you know that." She began. "He shows it in the subtle ways. The lingering glances. Sharing his space with you in the places he feels safest." She gestured to the room. "Giving you the last bit of food on his plate when he knows you haven't ate or knows it's your favorite dish."

The list made your heart ache. She kept going.

"Even on missions he gravitated towards you a little more. Earlier he didn't have to go fill the champagne glasses. But he took the bottle and went anyway to make sure you were alright upclose." Her eyes flickered to the nail marks on your now covered thigh. "He hates it." Your heart panged. "But he can't help himself." Your heart healed.

"But that's exactly it, isn't it?" You looked away from her and back out to the streets. "It wouldn't be smart. I'd be nothing but a weakness that could be exploited. He shouldn't be with me. He wouldn't do that to himself."

She was silent for a minute. "I think that's a risk you should let him decide he wants to take, not somethign you should decide for him."

You snapped your eyes to her, anger bubbling in your gut. But it dissolved the second you looked at her.

She was right.

The tears from earlier began to fall.

"I can't do this Inej." You whispered. "I don't want to have false hope. No matter how sure you are, its Kaz. You cant ever be sure with anything when it comes to him." You wiped your cheeks with the sleeve of your shirt. A shirt Kaz had gifted you not even a week ago.

Well, gifted would be putting it differently. It was more like he threw it at you when your other ones were dirty or falling apart after a few hours of being sick of you complaining about it. The fact that it was one of his own shirts was not lost on you, and at the time it took every ounce of self control to not pass out with shock.

"You're right about that." She laughed with a breath. "But, I can promise you," she took your hand in hers, "he likes you."

You searched. You really, really searched for any sign that she was fucking with you. Just being a dick and lying. You found nothing.

"And from what I can tell, you wouldn't be a weakness. You are an asset to the team for a reason. You're deadly." A smiled tugged on her features. "He'd be lucky to have you as his weakness."

Another tear fell, but you didn't have the will to wipe it away. You squeezed her hand and let go, opting for fiddling with the hem of your shirt, eyes trailing to the stitching.

"I think you have to talk to him." She said lowly, and then disappeared from your peripheral.

You watched her get up and go, but nearly jumped out of your shoes when you realized Kaz was standing at the door to his open closet.

He was in his usual get-up. White button up shirt beneath an black vest. A thick black long coat covered everything, even the black striped suit pants. Though the shoes would have to fend for themselves, covering black socks. He was topped with a black hat and his cane in hand. And an expression you're not sure looked like surprise or fear.

The door closed as Inej left, leaving you and Kaz in silence.

You stared at eachother for a long moment, his hand gripping and releasing the head of his cane as you now realized that he was thinking.

Eventually, he leaned his cane up against the wall beside the closet, shucking off his coat and walking over to place it on the coatstand by the door. He hesitated for a moment before taking his hat off, placing it on the top-most peg. He came back for the cane, his eyes uneasily finding their way back to you.

Bile rose in your throat. Did you make him that uncomfortable?

Your mind grasped for the hope that Inej place in your heart, gripping it with all your might.

As much walked over in your direction, you moved your body to be placed on the inside of the window instead of out. He rounded the desk, setting his cane against it before continuing on toward you.

He made sure not to get too close, but he did place himself a good arms length between you two. His gloved hands were steady at his sides, but that was probably because he was clenching them.

"Kaz-" you began, but he put up a hand, stopping you in your tracks.

He wanted to speak first.

His eyes stayed fixed on the wood of the sill, tracing it's marks with his eyes. His hand lowered, but not completely, staying about chest level in a more relaxed position before finally dragging his eyes over and up your body. They rested on your eyes, and you sucked in a breath at just how beautiful they were in the golden Ketterdam light.

"I... do, like you." He began. "And I don't know if I like it." His words were careful and calculated. You could see his jaw clenching every time he closed his mouth. But you could also see the way his ears and cheeks began to color. You could tell it was costing him a lot to even admit that much, but the confession was more than enough.

"I don't know if I like it." He repeated. "But I do know I want to experience it with you. And learn if it's something that I do like." His hands began to shake. He adjusted his stance to lean on his good leg.

You forgot you were crying earlier until you smiled and felt the tug of the dried line of tears.

He took off his glove and extended his hand, taking a step backward.

Your eyes flickered between his outstretched hand and his eyes. Your hand came out and hovered over his own. He gave the slightest of nods.

His hand was firm beneath yours, his fingers curling around your own as he helped you down. When your feet touched the floor, his hand was still locked on yours, but it was gentler now. His shaking wasn't too bad, but you could tell the intimacy of it all was foreign and terrifying.

You didn't let go until he did, and when he did it wasn't a jerk or super quick. It was soft and careful, deliberately slow. Your fingers dragged along his, and you craved his touch as it went away.

His skin was riddled with callouses from odd jobs and the tools of his craft. There was a rouch spot on his ring finger from where he held his pen. They were long and slender, cold from the Ketterdam air but not freezing. The lines of his palm were rough, and his fingernails were well trimmed and short.

You dedicated it all to memory.

"The deal is the deal." You muttered under your breath.

He was a little shaken and a cold sweat glistened on his forehead. But he had a genuine smile plastered on his face. "The deal is the deal." His hand nestled back into the safety of his glove.

You would patiently wait for the day he allowed you to touch him again if it meant you got to see that smile every day in between.

"I like you too, Kaz Brekker."

"I should hope so, Y/n L/n." He grabbed his cane and walked to the bathroom. "Otherwise that would have been one useless conversation."

You chuckled, and watched his ears turn a slightly redder shade at the sound.

Maybe he /was/ as infatuated with you as everyone insisted.