🖋

It feels distinctly like you're missing something. Or maybe like something is supposed to be happening but it's not.

You've already been around Jesper and Wylans to drop off the pie you promised them in exchange for them coming along on a job. Nina already talked to you about her trip back to Ravka to discuss some stuff with the King. Inej wasn't due back until tomorrow, already having everything prepared for her return. Matthias was relatively self sufficient so he didn't need anything from you today. Kaz is burning holes into your skull as a way of forcing you to continue to help him.

Logically, there's nothing left to worry about. You just went through your entire list of people who you wouldn't mind helping.

Maybe Rotty needed something? But you haven't talked with him in a while. Which, really, you need to do that because now you feel bad. Pim and Anika are out of town.

So what-

Panic bubbles in your chest and spurts out your throat. "Leo!"

Kaz jumps a bit, papers making a noise as they're jostled. He stares for a moment, then tenses. "Where is he?"

You rub at your face, the question already plaguing your mind.

"He's at fifth harbor, I think."

The fact that you're not certain kills you.

"You /think?/"

"Okay listen here, Mr. 5 Star Parent." You glare at him. "I told him there was something I needed at the harbor and that it was coming..."

You pat your body, looking for a pocketwatch. Usually it's around your neck or hanging in your pant leg but it's not here.

Kaz walks up to you, jutting his torso out a bit and paper filled hands held off to the side. You grab the pocketwatch from his vest, popping it open to look at the time.

A bit of relief nulls the panic. "It came about half an hour ago, which means he should be-" you turn towards the window, slotting the little clock back into his pocket "-on his way back right now."

The curtains are already open, letting in a deep, warm orange glow into his newly refurbished office. He still intends to move to the ground floor, but for now he remains up here, with the creaky stairs and wide angled window.

You walk over, looking outside. The sun blazes into your eyes for a moment before you block it out, the cobblestones glistening up at you.

There aren't any people around, which is a little weird considering this is the time when people would be making their way back home. But, there is a dog barking up the side of a building, the sound carrying to your ears.

"I doubt you'd see him walking back home."

"He couldn't carry a stack of notebooks with him over the rooftops."

"He would try."

That he would. And he proves Kaz right by hopping down from above.

"I got your note- Woah!"

His sudden appearance is enough to make you scream, hard earned fighting instincts kicking in. Your knife in your side pouch is suddenly no longer in your side pouch, instead flying at record breaking speeds across the Barrel.

The only reason it's not in your son is because you managed to divert it before it left your hand, instead making it create a wind that rustles his longer hair.

"Shit!"

Leo loses his balance, tumbling into the office in a very ungraceful front flip, landing on his back.

"Leo! What did we say about this!?"

He doesn't answer right away, and you don't really expect him to. He groans on the floor as you go to help him up, books scattered on the floor from where they ripped against the thick paper they were stored in.

Kaz is right behind you, papers forgotten as he grips Leo beneath the arms and hoists him up to his feet. You grab a chair, heart still racing yet relieved to see him here and, for the most part, safe.

You plop him down, wooden chair adorned with a cushion.

"I thought you'd have heard me!"

You scoff. "You know I often don't, you sneaky fucking minx." He learned from the best, unfortunately, so he had nothing to say in his defense. "I really could have killed you just now."

"Yeah, you could have." Kaz decides to chime in, going back to sorting through his papers, but paying you extra attention. "That knife is now floating in East Stave, judging by the sheer power and murderous intent you just threw it with."

"Which is why we talked about this!" You examine Leo, turning his face with your fingers near where you seen the knife fly by.

Kaz sighs, putting papers back between his fingers.

"I'm sorry." Leo whispers.

You take a minute to look at him, /really/ look at him instead of searching for what you know isn't there, and see the shaken up and guilt ridden look on his face. His freckled cheeks are drained of color, but slowly coming back. His eyes are wet, and his hair is ruffled beyond repair with just your fingers to card through the progressively curling strands. His eyebrows are pulled together, and there's a noticeable downturn to his lips.

He's really scared.

You sigh. "I'm sorry, too." There's no hesitation in the way you place a kiss to his forehead, letting your lips linger for a moment as you feel the tension leave the space between his brows. "I was literally in the window looking for you, I shouldn't have been so startled."

"I wasnt gone for that long."

You huff. "It's half eight. You left at two."

His eyebrows raise. "Wow."

Kaz actually laughs, a short, sharp exhale through his nose with a curve in the corner of his mouth. "I don't think 'wow' is the word you should be using."

"It's the only word I've got."

You scoff. "Well now you're just a liar, little book worm."

Speaking of books, you turn to the space in front of the window, finding it void of your stack of notebooks that nearly cost Leo his life.

You don't even get the chance to look around for them before Kaz is picking them up from his chair, and then handing them off to you.

There's four of them, each looking the exact same as the others, much to your delight. You take them in earnest. "Thanks, love."

It's wonderful to see the shade of pink that adorns his cheeks still when you call him that.

"What do you need 4 exactly replicated notebooks for?" He clears his throat.

You set them in Leo's lap, taking the top one off and opening it.

The paper was fine and thin, a bit of a bumpy texture to it when you run the pads of your fingers over the surface. It was cream white, a slight yellow tint to some and a very slight grayish-brown tint to others. The edges were deckled, which you'd fix later, and the back cover to the book had an imprint of the sellers company on it.

"They're for little things. Ones for Leo and the rest are for myself. I was considering getting into drawing, but I think I'm mostly going to use them for keeping track of my thoughts."

Leo picked one up, flipping through the pages. "Like a diary?"

"Not... necessarily."

"Then what?"

As you try to think of a different way to explain it, though, nothing comes to mind.

You bought a book you can write in to record your thoughts and feelings. If that's not a diary you don't know what is.

As if second nature you look towards Kaz, as if he's going to help you out of the mess you made. Instead you're met with your husband doing a shit job at hiding an amused smile.

He did that a lot these days.

"If not a diary, then what is it?" He teases.

"It's just... a journal." You go back to flipping through the pages, drinking in the sound that comes from Kaz as he suppresses a laugh with a controlled breath even if it pisses you off, Leo smiling widely at the display he's managed to produce. "Just to write stuff, yknow?"

Leo closes his journal and opens the next one, going over the pages.

"Write stuff. Personal stuff." Kaz teases again.

"Well, yeah." You shrug. "But also, other non personal things. Just stuff I notice and want to keep track of, like things people gravitate to. And to help me learn languages."

You feel Kaz before you hear him. He presses a feather light kiss to your temple, holding your face with his gloved hand.

It's new, welcomed.

You close your eyes and lean gently into his hand until he pulls away. And when you look back at him, he's got that boyish charm to him that he fought tooth and nail for.

You're just glad you run warm. To ease his worries.

"A journal isn't going to help with your abysmal pronunciation of Ravkan."

You shove the journal into his chest, making him stumble away from you. His smile grows.

"I don't need sass from you, Mr. I-only-know-one-language."

He takes the journal and opens it, looking into it. "I don't need to know more than one when I'm surrounded by people fluent in several."

"Not for much longer you're not."

The comment makes the air in the room melancholy.

Along with Nina going to Ravka to discuss some "important matters," her and Matthias won't be returning to Kerch afterward.

They're going to travel around for a while, exploring the different lands available to them to settle down in. After they explore a bit of Ravka, Nina giving Matthias an ample tour of her homeland, their next stop is Novyi Zem. There they'll do much of the same, basking in eachothers presense as they indulge in the prosperous lands and rich culture.

From there they'll edge into The Wandering Isle, but not too far to avoid the Drüskelle. And then they'll take their leave to the Southern Colonies, where they're planning on taking permanent residence if they don't find somewhere else first.

You're happy for them, and so is Kaz, much as he still hates to express it.

Leo, however, is having a hard time figuring out where he stands on the matter.

Earlier, when you went to treat Nina to waffles as one of the last meals you'll share together for a long while, Leo had made it about halfway to the same little diner the three if you went to when you first found him before stopping.

He stood his ground, refusing to move even as you took his hand and tried to encourage him to even just move out of the road, and then gave you a genuine, sad "sorry" and took off back towards the Slat.

You couldn't get him to turn around and come back. And knowing he'd make himself as difficult to find as possible, you continued to meet Nina, who was as sympathetic as can be despite being disappointed.

Even now, you can see the way Leo grips the notebooks, ready to flee.

Your fingers find the back of his head, gently scratching his scalp and loosening the knots in his hair. His shoulders loosen, and he let's out a deep breath.

He's the only reason they haven't done this sooner. But now that he's older and they've had time to learn how to manage the sheer amount of money they came into possession of, it's time.

"They leave tomorrow. Inej will be back as well to see her off." It was a feeble attempt to lighten his mood.

And it doesn't work, his smile not even reaching his eyes. "I know."

You can't think of anything else to say. And Leo stands up, setting the journals on the chair, and walks out the door.

--------

Inej makes it to the harbor before everyone else. Her boat is docked right where it always is, and she's throwing herself off the side and bounding towards the group of you before you can point it out.

You pick up the pace, Nina following right after, luggage forgotten about once she gets to the base of the steps.

The both of you wrap Inej up in a hug, not squeezing hard, but hard enough that you're sure that Inej is having a bit of some difficulty breathing.

You all let go, you taking Inejs hands in yours, smiling as wide as you can. "It's so good to see you."

"You too."

Nina puts a hand on Inejs shoulder. "Are you sure you're alright with taking me to Ravka?"

Inej gives her a contented look. "I'm sure. I'll just be dropping you off, no getting off the boat."

You hardly get another moment with her before Jesper is shoving his way through. He draws out her name, slowly and gently coming down to wrap her in a hug. She reciprocates, already having seen his quick approach.

As Wylan comes to stand next to the hugging pair, Jesper swinging them from side to side, you turn toward Matthias to see him smiling at the display as well.

He's gotten so much more comfortable over the past few years, his year in prison far behind him. It's nice to see him smile so openly, so lovingly.

The boys let go of Inej, Leo having given her a hug as well.

He decided to come along silently, standing outside the Slat and ready to follow to the docks.

No one said a word, just nodded at him as he tailed right beside you.

Getting to see Inej breaks the tension within him a little. You can tell, his shoulders more relaxed and his smiles coming easier.

He moves out of the way as Nina gets Inej's attention again. Inej allows the tears to collect in her eyes as she hugs her once more, the both of them gripping eachother.

Inej sighs. "You'd think I'd be used to this."

They giggle, and so do you.

A high, sad whine escapes Nina's throat. "I didnt realize how hard this was."

"It gets easier."

"I don't think it does."

They go silent, gripping eachother just a little harder before letting go.

You suppose there's some truth to both those statements.

As Nina turns to you, wrapping you up in her arms, you find it hard to do the same.

Because sure, if you do this enough it can start to feel like routine. You lean in close, holding the other together as tight as possible, and then you say goodbye.

But there's so much more.

You hike your arms up and squeeze around her middle, only minding your pressure just a little to avoid forcing all the air out of her lungs. She does not afford you the same courtesy, and squeezes you as tight as possible.

Emotionally, it doesn't. Everytime Inej leaves it feels as if a piece of you is being taken away. And now two more pieces are leaving, a sizeable hole forming in your heart.

When will it be whole again?

When will every one of you be back in the same place, after almost 8 years since the Ice Court? With one hunting slavers and two finding a place they can call home?

Childishly, selfishly, you want everyone to stay together. To call this place, right here, their home, and settle down.

But that's not how real life works.

So you squeeze her a little tighter, and eventually when you let go, you allow the little piece of her that occupies your heart to float away with her.

"Take care of yourself." You say to her, clutching her hands in yours.

She laughs, her loud barking laugh, and tears run down her cheeks. "8 years and that's all you have to say?"

You scoff, regretting it immediately when the release of air from your lungs sends tears pouring out of your eyes. "You know I suck with this emotional goodbye bullshit."

"You and our boys all do."

You turn towards where Kaz and Matthias are standing next to eachother, Kaz's hands placed firmly on his cane and Matthias with his hands clenched into loose fists at his sides.

While he has grown more relaxed over the years, that Drüskelle rigidness has yet to be completely shed, if it ever will be.

Jesper and Wylan get their turn saying goodbye to Nina, and you walk over to Matthias.

He relaxes slightly, his body curving down ever so slightly to become just a bit more eye level with you.

"What do you want, big guy? A hug? Handshake? Fistbump?"

He smiles at the humor in your voice, rolling his eyes, and then he's walking forward, arms out.

It's only half surprising, your eyebrows raising ever so slightly as you walk into him.

He's still as solid as can be, but he's gentle in the way he uses that solidness. His arms wrap around your upper body in a way that encapsulates you, your hands flattening across his back.

The hug is much shorter than Nina's, but it's only slightly less emotional.

Your tears continue to fall. His eyes manage to get a glossy look to them, which is basically the same as you breaking down into an ugly sob if you had to put it on a scale.

You take hold of his arms, his hands holding onto your elbows.

"You take care of yourself as well. Keep eachother safe."

He smiles. "You and the demjin really do suck at goodbyes." His Fjerdan hasn't faded a bit, with you, him, Nina, and ocassionally Wylan all speaking it when he does. You and Wylan were learning to speak more like a native, you catching on much faster than him, who wanted to stay more towards textbook Fjerdan.

You're going to miss those bits of chaos, with Kaz and Jesper standing off to the side giving the lot of you looks of confusion and horror when they pick up on certain words out of context.

"Give me a break, half of you are gone now."

He gives your elbows a squeeze. "We will visit, as promised."

"You better. I'll be visiting you too once you get settled down, so you better be prepared."

"I wouldn't expect any less."

You let go of eachother, your body subconsciously finding Kaz's and standing as close as you can to him.

Leo is talking nervously to Nina. Their voices are gone with the wind, his mouth moving rapidly as hers stays slow, hands coming up and wiping away his tears.

He stops, lips turned down, and she brings him into her. Just like you, he can't seem to make his arms move at first. But when he does, they fly around Nina, squeezing her as tightly as a thirteen year old boy can.

You hope this doesn't break him. It's hard enough whenever Inej comes and goes, you have no idea how hard this will be for him with Nina and Matthias visiting so much less often.

They pull apart, and Nina wipes his tears once more. She says something, low enough that you see Inej try and lean in to hear. Whatever she says, Leo gets a serious look on his face, and then nods.

She ruffles his hair, making him giggle.

Inej takes this as her cue to make her way on over. Her eyes are a little pink and glassy, and her nose has gone a little red from where she's been rubbing it.

You hold your arms out again, and she accepts as she takes those last few steps. She's still so thin, but you know better than to think she's gotten weak. You can feel it in the firmness with which she hugs you and how tense her back is, hard muscles sleeping beneath her clothes.

"I've only seen you for five minutes and you're leaving already. And taking Nina and Matthias with you."

You feel more than you hear her chuckle. "Ill visit soon. And so will they when they're ready."

"I know." You pull away. "It just hurts."

She moves on to say something to Kaz, and you look back towards Nina to see Leo handing her one of the journals from yesterday. Usually you'd be a little upset at the regifting, but the awed look on Nina's face brings more confusion than anything else.

They hug again, squeezing tighter than before if possible, and then Leo is running back towards you.

He slams into you, and you're half ready for it. Your body stumbles backwards, his fingers digging into your side and shoulder blade. A third hand comes and stabilizes you as you put your hand on the back of his head, and your other on his back.

He's grown so much. Both physically and emotionally. He's tall enough now that his forehead can rest comfortably in the meat of your shoulder, and considering that he's only 13, you're willing to bet he'll be as tall as Matthias once he's done growing.

The people this important to him leaving will be hard, like opening an old wound, but you can tell he's been prepared for this. They've been openly preparing to leave Kerch for about a year and a half, discussing it when the topic comes up.

He knew this was going to happen.

You just hope you're prepared for how emotional this will be once they're actually gone, boat disappearing across the horizon.

You squeeze him a little tighter, wishing that just holding him like this would make everything better.

"You okay?" You ask.

He nods his head, but doesn't let go.

The other hand rubs your back from side to side. You can feel the leather through your many layers, the vibrations of the friction as he readjusts his fingers making you smile.

Looking up, you see Nina begin making her way over.

Gently, you encourage Leo to let you go. He stands next to Kaz, who does his best to comfort him, gloves fingers moving his hair from his face and behind his ears.

"One last hug before you go." You ask.

She doesn't deny you. "Youre doing a lot of that today."

"Forgive me for wanting to hold you while youre still here."

"Apologize for that again and I'll drag you with me to throw you overboard."

You both laugh, the sound coming from your bellies. Your heart stutters, and it makes you feel a whole lot better.

"Leo gave me a journal to write in while I'm away." She whispers.

"Are you going to use it?"

"Don't be stupid. Of course I will." She pulls away, wiping at her eyes. "And you can read about our adventures for generations to come."

"The size of your ego won't fit on that boat."

"I'll make it work."

You cup her head in your hands. "You always do."

Her lip wobbles, and Matthias takes that as his cue to come in and comfort her.

For a while you all stand in the middle of the docks of fifth harbor. Hoards of people give you dirty looks as they brush past, but no one could find it in them to care.

It's obvious that you're all just finding excuses to keep the conversation going. But the thing is, it's not hard. It's the easiest thing in the world. Topics flow into more topics, strings tying each one together so intricately that you loop back to the beginning several times without more than a blink, and then you're off on something else just as quickly.

And time continues, despite the unrelenting need for it to stop.

When you eventually look up, the sky is becoming a darker shade of blue than the ever lovely warm orange it sports. The sun is just barely peeking over the horizon if you had to guess, the torrential waves surrounding Ketterdam ever present.

Everyone goes silent, realizing the time, and then they begin their goodbyes.

The cycle starts with Jesper and ends with Kaz, who gives both Nina and Inej a tip of his hat, Matthias getting a handshake.

You put a hand on Ninas shoulder. "I hope you find the best piece of land the world has to offer."

"I won't settle for anything less, given what we've been through. I deserve it."

You both smile, giggles almost bubbling. "That you do."

You let your hand slip off her shoulder as she turns away to pick up her things, journal stuffed safely into her shoulder bag.

With nothing left to do, they wave goodbye with their stuffed hands, and Helnik and Inej are on the boat and pulling out of her berth and out into the sea.

The waves allow them to pass, making for a beautiful scene of The Wraith bathed in the light of the nearly set sun, and they're gone.

Nobody says anything.

You wrap your son in your arms, and take your husband's hand. Wylan tucks himself into Jespers arms, and props him up.

Everything feels like it's falling apart.

But for your sanity, and those around you. You tell yourself everything is as it should be, no matter how bullshit it feels.

Because everything is as it should be. It just...

It doesn't feel good.

A hand comes up and wipes your cheek, and you let it rid your face of the tears.

"Come. Home time." Kaz says. There's a gentle tug on your arm, and it's almost like he tugs on your heartstrings too.

He makes everything easier.

You finally look away from the waves, and you feel just a little better. "Home time."

You look down at Leo, who also has tears running down his face. He let's you wipe them away, and then nods. "Home time."

"See you tomorrow?" Wylan asks, Jesper cleaning himself up right next to him.

You hum a deep, confirming tone. "Tomorrow. Dinner."

He nods. "Dinner it is."

Kaz tugs once more, just as gentle, and you give in.

It's time to go home.

∘₊✧──────────────────✧₊∘

Tags:

@b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r @a-candle-maker @xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx @kylie18 @morrigan-crowmwell @venomsvl @milkshake0

And I hope it's okay to tag these people as well since you guys specifically asked for a part 2 in the notes:

If you're not mistaken, there's a table around here with finger foods and drinks that could help.

The crowd, however, is incredibly unforgiving. People remain where they stand, almost as if they're completely unaware you're trying to make it last them. You put hands on shoulders and backs, apologize when you have to tilt your body to squeeze between groups of people, and all you get are glares and judgemental up-and-down looks.

People really need to be kinder, more considerate. They're not the only people that exist in this room. How are the servers supposed to go around and serve the alcohol? What if there was an emergency? Is it really that hard to consider moving one step to the left?

Your annoyance makes you distracted. You step on someone's shoe, throwing you completely off balance and sending you falling to the floor.

The only thing that could make this more humiliating is falling into someone. Which you do.

You feel yourself flush, embarrassment rushing through your brain as you try and correct yourself.

"Oh saints, please forgive me!" It takes a moment to realize just how big the man who caught you was. His arms are rather large, but he's also just plain tall. He easily stands a good couple centimeters above every person in this room. "I really have to be more careful."

You realize now he's one of the Kings guards, but its more or less irrelevant seeing as he's so far away from said King. The stoic look on his face cracks a little, a small smile forming on his angled face.

"It's alright, It's only right I apologize as well. Forgive me for bumping into you." He slips his arm away from your waist once you get yourself balanced within your heels. "You aren't hurt, are you?"

You fix the gloves around your wrists. "Oh, no. Not at all. For as big as you are you're incredibly gentle."

"That's good to hear."

It takes you a moment to realize the words that slipped past your tongue. Mortification pummels through your system.

"I didnt mean- im so sorry once again. That wasnt the best choice of words."

This is just so wrong. This isn't how anything was supposed to go. And now you feel so hot, face even prickling at the increase in your internal temperature. The man eyes you, squinting when you begin to fan yourself.

"Truly, I dont take offense. Would you like to go on a walk? Its much cooler outside."

It's definitely not a smart to follow a man you just met to a secondary location. But with the way he's dressed, and the way he carries himself, he isn't all that threatening. The Soldat Sol tattoo on his arms also does well to quell any lasting fears.

"That would be lovely, thank you."

He walks through the crowd with you trailing very close behind. People part to make room for him, and make a look of disdain when they see you trailing behind like a duckling.

But the moment that fresh cool evening air reaches your skin, it feels worth it. Like you can breathe.

You allow yourself to walk to the edge of the wrap around patio that surrounds this whole place. The garden has plants beginning to close, no longer needing to open their petals now that the sun is setting.

The flowers are red, and butterflies are making their last rounds to the buds that are still open.

"There's a flower, in Shu Han, that looks similar to this." He takes a step off the porch and approaches the flower.

He's incredibly gentle, fingertips barely grazing the petals and slotting the stem between his fingers. He encourages it up towards his face as he bends down to smell it, a smile adorning this face.

"What's it called?" You ask, picking up your dress and stepping down to join him.

"The one in Shu Han is called Datura Meloxia. It's incredibly poisonous. This one... I'm not sure."

You hook a finger around one of the stems, bringing it toward you.

It seems tropical, which is strange given that summers aren't all that hot here and Ravka has a winter season. The stigma reaches far out beyond the confines of the petals, and almost seems to have a cloud of surrounding the end.

"Do you know a lot about Shu Han?" You ask.

He let's out a chortle. "I should hope so. It's where I grew up."

"Listen, people are everywhere these days. I didn't want to assume you knew everything about there just because you look like you're from there."

"Thats very open minded of you."

You shrug. "Doesnt do us any good to be close minded, does it?"

He let's go of the flower, putting his hands back behind his back. "No. It doesn't."

The air feels a bit tense, weighing on your shoulders. The way he keeps his eyes trained on the flowers makes you feel as if you may have made him uncomfortable.

"Do you know anything about Shu Han you specifically enjoy?"

If there's anything you know about people, is that broad questions are usually the way to go. From there they can get as specific as they want or stay broad.

"Poetry." He says, going specific. "Epic Poetry, specifically. There's quite a few poems from both Ravka and Shu that are quite interesting."

That, ironically, piques your interest. "Like what?"

And it's like you opened up a dam, water spilling out in the form of languages you don't understand but find incredibly alluring. He's like an encyclopedia, citing poems that date back hundreds of years and reciting the lines as of he has the material right in front of him.

In a way you think he does. His eyes will get glossy and it's almost like he's turning the page when he talks with his hands, staring far into the distance at something you can only hope to see.

He does his best to translate the text, but you can tell it pains him that there isn't a direct translation that will allow you to appreciate the beauty of the poem.

But he does his best all the same, and you give as much encouragement as possible, smiling wide when he says something particularly grand. He even cites romance every once in a while, and you feel yourself cataloging the lines to digest later.

Because it really was interesting. You've thought about poetry maybe three, four times in your entire life when your mom brought home a book filled with them for her entertainment. But never did you think it could be this interesting.

Or maybe it's just because he makes it interesting, adding bits of history from both Ravka and Shu Han when he can.

It's also nice to see his face light up just a smidgen when you express your own knowledge, telling him you do actually know about that piece of history and jump into your own session of info dumping.

But as all good things do, they come to an end.

He's in the middle of explaining a poem from liturgical Ravkan (who /knows/ that?) when he becomes distracted.

"Everything alright?" You ask, raising on your toes but staying off the side as you try and capture his attention again.

"I'm fine, yes. However, it's time for us to part ways."

When he looks at you, you swear you see his lips turn down just a bit.

"Ah." You don't bother to hide your sadness. "That's alright. Would you like to pick this up a different day?"

He hums. "Only if you live near the Palace."

"Actually, I do." That gets his attention again. "I work at this little shop in the city just outside the gates in Os Alta in the market area. Its-"

"The bookbinding shop." He interrupts. "I remember now. I see you almost everytime I walk by there with the King."

You smile, wide and feeling better than before. "Yeah. We make journals and restore books."

He's silent for a moment, eyes flickering back and forth between you and whatever has his attention.

When his eyes settle on you, he's kind. Which isn't saying a lot since during this entire interaction he has been nothing but, but still. He's kind. "When I have a moment to spare, I will visit you again."

You clap your hands together, then hold your hand out for him to take. "Ill see you then."

His rough and warm hand shakes your own. And with a nod, he's gone.

You watch him leave, walking briskly past hoards of people who part for him like he's dangerous or purposefully bump into him.

Once he's out of eyesight, you allow yourself to calm your heart.

It's mostly leftover anxiety from before he caught you. When you look at the shadows on the ground you realize you and him hadn't actually talked for that long. You just don't want to make a lasting horrible impression on anyone, and you hope you didn't make him feel awkward talking with you.

But, you think he enjoyed it. He relaxed a little while talking to you, yet still kept to his duty as the Kings guard and never looked away from the mansion.

You feel satisfied.

"Hello there."

A woman's voice gets your attention. She looks similar to Tolya, and you remember she's also a part of the Kings personal guard. Perhaps they're taking turns? That would make sense.

"Hello. How are you?" You ask.

"Splendid. My names Tamar." She wraps an arm around your shoulder, which you immediately grab to steady yourself. "Im Tolya's older sister. I just wanted to take a look at the girl thats got my brother in such a good mood."

You perk up immediately. "Oh, how lovely! Tolya mentioned you a few times while he was talking about poetry."

Immediately she groans, which gets a giggle out of you. "I beg your forgiveness. Once he starts you have to kind of yell at him to get him to stop."

"Oh, don't apologize!" You slip out of her grasp, folding your hands neatly in front of you. "I quite enjoyed our talk. I never knew how much history could be stored in something as simple as a poem."

Her eyebrows nearly shoot into her hair, a look almost like incredulousness passes over her face. She snorts.

"You may just be the only person who can handle that."

That, you have to admit, makes you happy.

"What else are you interested in?"

Tamar was a little harder to talk to for the rest of the night. She's not as straight forward as her brother, but you can find the little similarities that make her feel almost familiar.

Once you have to part ways, the King possibly getting what he came here for, you waved goodbye to Tamar, and began to head to your carriage yourself.

Tonight was remarkably eventful. And as you watch Tolya and Tamar head off into the distance with their King in tow, you hoped that every once in a while they would stop by.

If only to get to know them more.

∘₊✧──────────────────✧₊∘

Tags:

Especially not when said close calls happen basically one after the other.

Your mind is usually good at erasing the memory of your near death experiences. It got really good at it around the 7th or 8th time. The most you can remember is a knife attached to a chain coming at you and then you were rendezvousing with Nina, Inej, and Kaz.

But this time...

This time it's sticking.

☆

"And where do you think you're going?" A black tip glared at you, hands gripping the handles of a pair of revolving pistols at his sides, barrels still in the holsters.

You couldn't help the smug grin pulling at the corners of your mouth. "I think your mother may have gave me the wrong address."

Kaz hissed your name as you dove to take cover, loading your shotgun behind a display column. It was in no way big enough to hide you, but it did its job and took the brunt of the bullets while the rest sprayed behind you.

The vase that was on top shattered on the ground, and you pulled the trigger, missing your target just barely as he dove behind a desk.

"Y/n!" Kaz's gravelly voice tickled your adrenaline addled brain just so. "Ammo check!"

"Tea time!" You sung, that smug grin turning into a genuine smile as you sprinted across the room, grabbing a chair with your other hand and chucking it at the wall.

It splintered apart, sending pieces all over the back and top of the desk. You slid across the top, your body connecting with the floor.

A gun came inches from your face, and luck would have it that the person fell forward, gun going off just to your right.

The sound definitely broke your eardrum. But you cocked your gun and blew his chest wide open, trying your hardest to ignore the nausea building up in your stomach and the warmth of the blood now dribbling down your cheek.

Eleven bullets left.

Tea time came much earlier for you and Kaz, your days starting much earlier and ending much later. Twelve o' clock is the least busy hour you've got.

Rapid footsteps barely reached through the ringing in your head, foot kicking away wood.

Whatever manic joy you managed to feel before is gone. Droplets of blood taste like copper on your lips, and Kaz is looting the body.

☆

You rubbed at you ear, freshly healed but less than functional.

The thing is you're the only person that entire mission that killed people. All five people that died did so at your hands, everyone else finding the mercy to spare their lives and merely knock them unconscious, or just not getting the opportunity to because of you.

You don't know where it came from.

As you step through the threshold of the Slat, it's hard to think of why exactly you didn't just blow their arm apart or destroy their foot.

You very well had the marksmanship under your belt to do so.

Is your empathy that shot?

This mission was hard. You got everything you came there for but it feels like you left a lot behind. You don't know if it's your imagination but it feels everyone is sticking close to their person's and far away from you.

Matthias and Nina clutch onto eachother, Nina's hand gripping Matthias' arm. Wylan and Jesper were shoulder to shoulder, pinkies interlocked as they followed closely behind the pair. Even Inej is close to Kaz.

But Kaz is close to you. He stays, plastering himself no more than six inches from your side at all times. Anytime the banter seemed to turn in your direction, smiles looking more like malicious grins to you, Kaz glares and redirects the conversation.

It doesn't make sense. You know it doesn't. The lot of you have killed more people than anyone would care to admit. This is just...

It's such a delayed reaction.

You stop walking somewhere between the door and the table everyone has sat themselves at. Your skin feels like it's buzzing, bees crawling and communicating from inside your body in a way you could only hope to understand. You feel like a stranger in your own mind.

Glasses and various bottles are dumped on the table, everyone grabbing their own and filling them with either gross concoctions or a single type.

Kaz steps in front of you, vision going a little dark as he blocks out the light. He smells a little like mildew, but he also smells like the smoke from your favorite candle.

"I'm pulling myself together." You say before he can speak. "I just need a minute."

"You have plenty of them." He hands you a glass, which you take in earnest, and he gently leads you to the rest of the group with the ghost of his hand behind your back.

You sit at a table close to the stairs, body leaning on the cloth covered wood and your drink below your chin. The liquid is a warm brown, and inside you can see every shadow being cast on your face from the few candles at the center.

A rumbling in the back of your head starts, remembering all too well the glinting of a knife when you tilt the glass and see the candle flash a bright orange light into your retinas.

☆

You sidestep, feeling almost like you're dancing between the two black tips as they aim for your torso and neck. A poorly aimed blast from your sawed shotgun startles them enough that you wack it against the taller mans skull, end still burning hot.

Dancing, however, is supposed to be fun. This? This isn't fun. Not anymore.

The taller black tip stumbles while the other catches his footing. And in a feat of something you can only describe as experience earned fighting instinct, you force your body to plummet to the ground as a large knife flies over your body and face, sticking into something behind you.

You roll away, reloading your shotgun behind a pillar within seconds and aim it at the bigger one. He crumples when you hit his thigh, falling onto his partner whom you shoot in the neck.

Blood spatters everywhere.

☆

It's like you get stuck. Imagining how different it would look if that was your blood. If they had survived and you didn't. Everytime you think back on it you feel tense and pure dread pump through your system and send it further and further over the edge.

The glint of a knife. The crack of the blade slicing into the wall.

The glint of a knife. The thud of the hilt meeting your skin.

One easily more plausible than the other and yet it's the former that reigns supreme.

It plays on a loop in your mind. Bang, break, duck, thud. Bang, break, duck, thud. The adrenaline courses back through your veins as you feel your temples begin to ache, teeth pressing together so roughly you question if your jaw will snap.

"Hey."

You jolt, taking a deep startled breath as the glass falls from your grasp.

Nina's once outstretched hand recoils slightly, Wylan and Jesper staring at you with shock. Matthias looks right through you, icy blue drüskelle eyes reading too much into the things not even you don't even have a label for yet.

You look around, searching.

Kaz is next to you. Close, but not touching. His gloved hands rest on the cane placed between his feet. A reclined power stance, easy to exude intimidation, safety.

"Sorry, ah- what did you say?"

"Nothing." Nina says. She's probably the one who called out to you and tapped your hands. "You were breaking the glass."

The glass in question sits cracked against the table. The alcohol inside is ever so slowly seeping out, dampening the cloth it rests on.

"You were getting a little stressed out." Jesper says, soft. "Shaking and hardly breathing. All that jazz."

You take a moment and close your eyes, breathing deeply through your nose and out your mouth. Your hands hurt, knuckles getting squeezed together when you tried to strangle the cup, but the rest of you is...

It's overwhelmed. It's exhausted.

"I'm fine. It was just- yeah. I'm fine."

Inej quirks her brow, and you feel more than you see Kaz inch just a bit closer to you. His presence is distinct, impossible to ignore, which is enough for you to tone down your fidgeting leg.

"Convincing." Kaz jokes, picking up his own glass and taking a long drink from it.

"Very." Nina is right on top of the badgering train. "Try that again when your heart isn't going literally a hundred beats a minute."

You can feel it. The pounding of your heart inside your ears and in the vein on your neck. The fact that you can feel it there without pressing your finger to the warm skin feels like a statement in and of itself.

"Ill be fine in a minute. Pass me the pretzels."

The tiny bowl of assorted pretzels and snacks gets passed to you as you grab the broken glass and lift it to your lips. Kaz takes it from your hand with little effort, walking away from the table.

You glare at his back, and grab Jesper's drink from in front of him and drink from that, much to his dismay.

"My rum!"

You slide the glass back over to him, face twisted in a cringe. "Not very good rum."

He rolls his eyes and downs the rest of it, grabbing the bottle from the center of the table and refilling it. Wylan is quick to put a hand on his back, chuckling at his pouting boyfriend.

It's hard to ignore the feeling that keeps coming over you. The way you feel threatened even in your safe space, with the people you feel safest with. You worry and worry, like time could turn back and make the bad endings real. The more you think about it the more you feel like you're speaking it into existence.

But how can you stop? Three close calls in a span of just twenty minutes Three instances in which you could have died with a hundred percent certainty and yet here you sit, a pretzel in your mouth and a hand covered in sticky fermented sugar.

A full glass is set in front of you.

It's a warm brown like the last one, but it's a lot more red than before. And when you touch it it's actually a little cold.

"What's this?" You swallow the pretzel, swirling the liquid in the new glass. It smells almost fruity, enticing you to take a sip.

Kaz sets a glass of a similar liquid down, then a bottle as he places himself back from where he left.

"Wine."

"Wine." You repeat, a smile on your face.

"Mixed with syrup."

"Mixed with syrup." It gets wider. Taking a sip of the drink sends goosebumps across your arms, tongue happy with the flavor greeting your tastebuds.

Kaz drinks his, and it's safe to assume he doesn't actually like it even though it's lacking the syrup. He prefers the more bitter drinks, the ones that bite you back when you swallow. You feel a little guilty for glaring at him when he took your cup.

The change in drink is enough to keep your mind mostly off of the various scenes in which you nearly died. Ocassionally you'd return to them when the conversation slipped out of your grasp, drowning. But the wicker bowl of pretzels would get pushed against your knuckles, and you'd take a few, Kaz satisfied with himself.

There's something to be said about being looked after in the most minute of ways. And to have the person who's taking on that responsibility do so without question or complaint.

You don't currently have the brain power to put that into a specific feeling.

But whatever it is, it's good.

"No matter how many people die im still surprised with how much blood there is in the body."

Nina shrugs. "It's easy to forget. People don't really look like they can hold gallons of blood in them."

"You're a heartrender." You comment.

"Yeah, but I don't actually see the blood most the time." She drags the wicker basket towards her. "I can feel it pumping through you but unless I crush your heart or slice you open it all stays nice and neat where it's supposed to be."

Your wine looks more like blood than you'd like it too. Old clotted blood, losing the red and adopting a brownish color. When you drink it you swear you can taste copper, but that might just be from a cut on the inside of your cheek.

It stings.

Slowly, you rise from your chair. Your head swims a little, forehead warming as the blood rushes down to your legs.

"I'm gonna head to bed." You announce.

"I need to go over our intel. Make sure everything's up to date." Kaz pushes in your chair, stepping away from the table and watching as you sluggishly put one foot in front of the other.

A chorus of good nights follow behind the both of you. You wave your hand, maybe as if to say good night as well, but you feel as if it comes across angry. Would it be embarrassing to turn around and say good night after that?

Probably.

The ascent up the stairs is slow, feet not quite cooperating. Your toes will hit the stair it's supposed to step on, and you have to be quick to correct it before you launch yourself face first into the slabs of wood.

You can feel Kaz boring holes into the side of your skull, watching you struggle.

You know full well he wouldn't catch you if you fall, fearing the inherent togetherness that comes with holding someone close and pulling them away from what wishes to hurt them.

But you think he might worry. Might offer you his cane, or press the pads of his gloves fingertips to your shoulder when you begin to teeter away from the railing.

It's just because of the stairs. Once you're on the second floor you'll be fine.

What the hell is it about stairs that makes balance so hard? Is it because your feet are at two different heights? Is it the fact that the stairs are so narrow and you're very, very aware of it?

"Both." Kaz says. "Loss of equilibrium and personal insecurities make it easier to fall."

You hum a response, scolding yourself for talking aloud. "Weird."

"You being tipsy also has something to do with it."

"You drank everytime I did."

"I have more experience."

The ferrule of his cane tapped against the wood, bad leg shaking when he put his weight on it.

He must be tired.

The top of the steps was the source of both your euphoria and your anxiety.

Your hands felt like they could relax, no longer needing to hoist yourself up. But...

There's a moment, where you plan to head to your room, but your muscles tense and you can't think to look in any direction that doesn't have Kaz in it.

No creak of the floorboard. No tap of his cane hitting the ground. No whisking of a coat in the wind as Kaz turns toward his door and disappears.

He's still. So incredibly so that he almost appears as a statue if not for the way he swallows.

You don't want to be alone.

"Kaz?" You ask, calling out to wherever his mind wandered off to.

He turns to you. Theres a scab that's been reopened, the blood seeping across the seal of his lips. "Yes?"

"Can I sleep with you tonight?"

You don't have the energy to find a way to package the question in a way that doesn't read desperate. In a way that a businessman would find respectable. You're tired, and you want to go to sleep with Kaz. No 'if's, 'and's or 'but's come to mind.

He takes a step towards his door, and then gives a very slight nod, turning away from you.

Relief floods through you as your shoulders relax. He bounces up the stairs, unlocking his door and opening it wide for you.

It's warm up here. Warm enough that the drafts from the window make it feel as if summer hasn't already passed. Your outer layers come off languidly, whereas Kaz has already shed them and vacated to the bathroom.

Silently, you wonder if you've made him uncomfortable.

Like you've somehow trapped him, using whatever relationship you both have come to agree on as leverage.

Water, you think. You need water. But there's no way in hell you'd ever drink anything that comes directly from the Barrel.

Mysterious illnesses are not on your bucket list of things to experience.

For now, you'll suffer. Tomorrow's headache is for the you of tomorrow to solve.

You take off your shoes, and then your socks, throwing them into the corner. Your pants come off next, leaving only your undergarments and your shirt left.

He can sleep on the floor if he has a problem with it.

Though immediately you regret that thought.

You've slept in Kaz's bad on a multitude of ocassions. He's always passing out in his chair, head tucked into the crook of his arms. And you don't ever have the heart to wake him up, knowing that he'll just jump right back into work and not heed a single word you say about getting into bed.

So you take his, slipping underneath his old ratty covers. You'll make yourself sleep light, on the lookout for when he'll startle himself awake within the next few hours, and join him again.

You've just... never actually slept in the bed with him in it.

You walk up to it, picking up the new covers you had gotten for him as a faux gift. It was made with all the materials he likes, but it was mostly just to make yourself more comfortable compared to the old one filled with holes.

The bed itself is big enough to fit two people. You don't know where he found a frame that big or found the time to sew a mattress to fit it, but he did.

It just doesn't solve the risk of you two touching in your sleep.

He needs to feel as comfortable as possible.

Kaz walks in, interrupting you.

He's stripped down into a shirt and pants, belt not gone but loosened enough that it makes them sag on one side, underwear peeking out the top. His leather gloves are gone, instead replaced with some thin cotton ones.

And just as you're looking him up and down, you watch him do the same, eyes wandering from your legs and up your back. They stop on your face, and it's as if he relaxes and tenses all at once.

"How are we expected to do this?" He asks.

"I was just wondering the same- oh!" You set down the covers, motioning for him to slip under them. He hesitates, then meanders over and lifts the blanket and climbs under them, cane being set on the nightstand.

There's a blanket at the end of the bed that you love. It pleases you to think he may have gotten it for you in retaliation for the blanket that he's using. You grab it and crawl on the bed in the space left by Kaz's blanket, a barrier forming between you and him.

Kaz looks a little amazed, if you had to describe it as anything. His jaw is a little slack, eyes wide enough that the bruises under his eyes are accentuated.

"Is this okay?"

He snaps back to the present, his hard earned bastard personality slowly beginning to coat his face again.

"It's fine."

'Yes', you translate. 'It's okay.'

As you lay down, vision no longer swimming, head coming against the warm pillow, it's hard not to remember when Kaz came exactly this close to you. Your third close call of the night, bruises caking your throat.

☆

Hands grab at you. Large hands, picking you up from where you stand over a dead body.

You don't have time to think of anything else as your head is slammed into the wall. A lightning bolt shoots through from the front of your skull right to the back, like a wave of pure pain.

A holler escapes your throat as you're turned around. Fingers squeeze the side of your neck, palm pushing into your trachea while another holds one of your wrists. It makes you drop your gun.

The man before you is huge. Bigger than a man should ever be. Not even tall, but wide. Every muscle in this guy's body seems to be enhanced. You make attempts to kick at him, but things are going blurry and you still can't get past the fact that your head was slammed into a wall.

"You think you're all that, huh?" His voice is like rough paper, airy and scraping against your eardrums. "Think you and your little crew can just come up in here, kill a couple of us, and then leave?"

It takes everything in you to slow down your breathing, catching up to the present.

This guy's on some kind of drug. Something to make his muscles solid. But you can feel his fingers twitching against your artery, arms shaking.

He does good with hard blows. He's not made to last in a fight.

It's one thing to pick up something heavy and then set it down. It's something completely different to be able to hold that straight out for long periods of time.

You neglect to answer him, picking up your legs and shoving your foot in the top of his pants.

His belt makes them snug. Snug enough that for a brief moment you're able to pick yourself up against your own body weight, and kick your other foot into his nose.

It's not enough to hurt him. Maybe enough to make his eyes water. But he shoves his head against your foot, bringing it just close enough that you stick out your free hand and shove your thumb right into his eye.

He yells, hands squeezing for a moment before releasing them.

Your thumb feels sticky, the colored fluid from his iris spilling down your hand along with blood and whatever other sticky residue resides in eyeballs.

It still hurts. Your head is throbbing, but adrenaline pumps your blood into your previously dying brain and gives you enough energy to grab the closest thing to you and stand up.

He's whining, body hunched over and hands rubbing at his eye. His head is red with rage, but so is yours, and all you can see is glimpses of red as you take the full bottle of Kvas and slam it as hard as you can against his skull.

As hard as his muscles are, he needs them loose enough to talk, to sneer at the faces of his victims, and that's his downfall.

He's on the ground, blood pooling out of the open wound on his head. The bottles broken, the clear bitter liquid flowing out of it. You take it again, and ram the sharp edges right into his face.

The muscles distort against the glass, and you do it again. You can feel the bottle stop roughly against his skull, and then go farther as you beat it down. Pieces of bottle slowly break off until you're left with nothing but the thin neck, and you jam that so harshly into his mouth you cave his teeth in.

"Y/n." Another gruff voice calls, and for a moment you fear you haven't done enough.

But you look up, back straightening from its hunched position, and Kaz is not a foot away with blood splattered across his coat and his pale beautiful face.

You don't realize how hard you're huffing until now, lungs singing as air flows in and out in harsh gulps.

It's too much.

You crumple to the ground.

☆

"Hey." Kaz's voice feels welcomed now, drawing you out.

You blink, wiping at your eyes.

One of them stings. The same eye of the guy you shoved your finger into. Tears flood it, as if the pain is real.

"Hi." You croak out.

You don't really remember what happened after you crumpled. You just remember coming face to face with a body that was utterly unrecognizable and so much blood you could see your reflection. And then Nina was looking you over. And then you were walking home.

But Kaz's face. A little wide eyed, a little captivated, a lot... bewildered, is the synonym you're gonna go for, is forever stamped into your mind.

"I watched it happen." He says, half his face covered in the pillow. "I watched you get slammed into a wall and get choked out."

He watched as you struggled. He watched you become triumphant. He watched you unfold and let lose an animalistic kind of destruction on the face of your attacker, somebody's son.

And yet he lays here, phobia be damned, an arm above the covers and laid so perfectly between you. He lays in the same bed as you, climbing in of his own volition, and talks to you as if you deserve the softness that comes so sparsely, so monitored.

"I watched. And you had it covered."

You take a deep breath. "I had it covered."

"You did what you needed to, to walk out of there."

To walk out of there. To be able to live with yourself after being caught so off guard and seconds away from your end, dignity in tow.

You nod.

The stars dance in his eyes, and your own body heat begins to lull you to sleep.

"If you allow their deaths to plague you now, you will be haunted till your last breath." His voice becomes even hoarser, probably tired as well. "Don't let yourself drown."

"I won't." You mumble. "If you're there to throw me a float."

"Ill drain the ocean if it means you stay above water."

While his words make your heart soar and your mind feel like it's tripping on dust, you can't help but chuckle. "Can't be above water if there is no water to stay above."

You blink, slow like molasses. And maybe it's your imagination, but you think you see his lips turn up as his eyelids become heavy.

"Go to sleep."

You're out before you can respond.

∘₊✧──────────────────✧₊∘

Tags:

"Whatever it is they're talking about I don't think its wise for us to listen anymore." Inej turns away, body facing towards you.

"Agreed." You scoff, turning a little towards her too. "I'm not all that into exhibitionism."

Kaz's eyebrows raise. "Surprising."

He's mocking you, which you immediately recognize and shoot a glare at him, knocking your heel into his cane. "Budge off, limpy."

"Oh no. Not my limp. Anything but the limp."

It's really only funny because Kaz isn't bothering to fluctuate his voice at all. It's monotone, and his eyes remain half lidded and he hoists his cane up and brushes off the dirt you got on it.

Inej smiles, holding back a chuckle as she watches the crowd around her, people steering clear if only for the fact that Kaz is nearby.

"Yes, the limp. Your worst fear." You giggle when you watch his eyes roll.

Nina comes in, standing below the railing where you stand, eyes flickering between you and Kaz.

"How are the lovebirds doing?" She jests.

It sends a little pang through Inej's heart.

Your closeness with Kaz has been a topic of interest within the crows since they joined the little inner circle. And it's not all that surprising.

You have known Kaz the longest out of any of them. You were with him when he joined the Dregs, when he climbed his way up the ladder until he became floor boss and when he managed to secure fifth harbor. You even own a share in it, taking the risk and knowing full well Kaz would have gotten it up and running.

He let's you closer than anyone else, his trust intrinsic to the fact that you have been with him through thick and thin. Inej can tell something big happened an your guys' past, small looks shared here and there, pursed lips when someone mentions a niche topic.

But with the way you hang around eachother, when you sigh with a far away look and Kaz wacks your shin with his cane just gard enough that it aches, when you can have a conversation with just a glance, it's only natural that people assume.

"In his fucking dreams." You chuckle. "This lump of coal is my best friend and nothing more, we've told you this."

Nina smirks, looking between you two once more. "You tell me and yet I can sense your heart beating like crazy, my dear Y/n."

Inej watches as you prickle, flustered, but her gazing is interrupted when you turn your body completely away from her, focusing solely on Nina.

"Hearts can lie, Zenik." Inej watches as the smile falters slightly on Nina's face. "There are people who have mastered the art of lying without any spikes in heartbeat because of grisha power. Unrelated, im simply inebriated and just witnessed the most foul and frankly disgusting conversation between Jesper and Wylan."

Nina groans. "Oh don't even get me started on that. They walked right next to me and let me tell you, I learned more about Wylan than I ever needed to know."

And just like that the topic is dropped, but Inej's mind was still gripping it, trying and failing to squeeze any sort of meaning beneath your words.

Because that conversation between those two boys hadn't flustered you in the slightest. You made jokes, voice and posture lacking any semblance of embarrassment.

You like someone. If not Kaz, then someone else. Someone you know. She takes the little hope that bubbles in her heart and gently pours it into a bottle, corking it and putting it away.

Hope is dangerous. But not unnecessary.

She'll look at it later. When she has time to feel what she needs to feel.

"Well that's a delicious specimen." You purr, watching a man in a bright yellow-green suit walk into the club.

Nina looks where you do, Inej and Kaz following your gaze.

"5." Is all Nina says.

"James Denker." Kaz relays. "Dirt poor, dressed in an attempt to impress."

"Ugly suit color." It wasnt, but it clashed horribly with the reds and blacks the club adorned. He stood out like a sore thumb.

You groan. "You're all the worst."

"We're simply saving you from having the worst time of your life." Nina downs a glass being cleaned up, Rotty taking it back once it was dry. "Speaking of, I need to go find Matthias."

"To torture him?" You lean into the railing, resting your head in your open hand.

Nina hums. "Torture is not on the menu tonight."

Kaz rolls his eyes, immediately leaving to go elsewhere as Nina strolls away, off to find her burly boyfriend.

You stay planted exactly where you are, looking out at the little tide pool of people rolling dice and flipping cards.

"Everyone's so obsessed with sex today." You remark.

Inej raises a brow. "You literally just called a man a 'delicious specimen'."

You chuckle. "I wasnt actually going to do anything. I would never go for a man dressed like an unripe lemon."

She hums, coming to rest her hands on the rail next to you. Out of the corner of her eye she sees you begin to track someone, a smile pulling at your lips. She follows your gaze, and sees a women in a dark blue dress, low a-line revealing her stomach. A feather boa rests on her shoulders, a matching dark blue bandana pinning her hair back in a mass of curls.

"Men tend to have the worst fashion taste."

Inej looks at you, your face relaxed and pupils wider than she's ever seen them.

The girl comes up to the railing, looking up at you. You give her a toothy smile, allowing her to take your hand and give it a kiss.

It squashes her heart and shocks it all at once.

You're so gentle with the woman below, who introduces herself as Femke, at it pains Inej that it's not her, but also uncorks that bottle she had just put away and pours it all over her.

She feels it in her hands, the way her eyes avert as you giggle at eachother with your hand in the safety of your pocket, the way her feet want to run and jump between the highest rooftops.

Kaz was incredibly right. Hope is dangerous.

"I have to go, but it was lovely conversing with you." You say politely, giving Inej a look she knows is begging you to follow her.

She does so, taking an alternate route out of club, pulling up a mask and throwing the hood of her tunic over her head.

She heads out a side door, melding into the shadows of an alleyway as she begins to scale the side of the building, fingers still electrified. Balconies become footholds and launching points and gutters become ledges to hoist herself up.

You're a bit further behind, but not terribly. You opt for a ladder placed on the back of a building two addresses down. You hop along the top of the curved rooftops, bouncing between the dormers and sliding down gabled edges whilst Inej followed, a grin pulling her mask up until you both reach a flat roof.

The view below is rather pretty compared to the rest of the Barrel. The distance you had crossed places you closer to East Stave, the wide canal full of boats and gondolas.

Lamposts were beginning to turn on, the lamplighters going around and lighting them. People began to bunch up, drawing their coats around their shoulders.

She looks at you, then. Worn out, the thinnest sheen of sweat making you glow. She wants to know just how warm you are.

She stays where she is.

"You're rather popular tonight." Inej begins, biting the topic in the ass.

"Hm?" You ask, catching your breath. "Oh, Femke. I guess."

Inej quirks a brow. "It didnt go as planned?"

You chuckle. "You were standing right next to me, Inej." Her name sounds like sweet treats her parents used to get her coming from your lips.

"The moment felt private."

"Femke was pretty, yes. She was... fucking gorgeous." You laugh, a kind of manic one when you remember her features. "But I couldn't be with her even if I wanted to."

Your face turned a little more solemn, eyes glancing around Inej's face.

"I'm sure she would have agreed to a night together if you showed interest."

"Thats not the problem. But thanks for the vote of confidence." You turn away, hopping onto the edge of the roof, hanging your legs off the side.

She walks to the edge, prefering to stay where she could quickly flee, hands resting on the concrete. "Do you want to elaborate?"

She hopes you'll say yes. Hopes you'll let her in.

You swing your feet, lip sucked between your teeth as you tear off the skin.

"I have... a rather quiet appreciation for the attractiveness of women." You say, staring out at the open street full of people. Inej cannot help but think of how romantic this all could be, if the day had been different. The topic lighter. Your words bobble around in her mind relentlessly. "Aside from the fact that me being with someone could compromise their safety, women get enough people who will yell how pretty we are with the caveat that they'll hurt us if we take it negatively in any way. I wanted my love for women to be quieter, out of personal experience, but there all the same."

It feels like Inej's mind is playing tricks on her, some sort of intoxication manifesting in auditory hallucinations. But when you look at her out of the corner of your eye, mouth upturned so perfectly, she knows in her wildest dreams she couldn't have thought of something even half as stunning.

She looks where you were just looking, seeing parades of men with their arms slung around eachother stumbling down the road, women hooking their arms through the other and talking quietly into the others ear, families tugging their kids close and loners standing on the corners of buildings with blunts and cigars resting between their fingers.

She understands. "You've got a beautiful soul."

She'll treasure the way she could hear your shoulders relax, hand coming to rest right next to hers.

-----

"Kaz!! Kaz Kaz Kaz Kaz-"

Inej was startled from her perch in the window when your voice boomed up the stairs, door to the office flying open.

You were slightly out of breath, and your hair was a mess of strands flying in random directions, like you'd been running your fingers through it. Pulling it even.

Kaz didn't seem worried in the slightest though. In fact, she wasn't even sure he recognized you were there until he said, "What is it now, Y/n?"

"We have a problem."

"No we don't. You have a problem. I have a friend who is obsessed with making them." He looks up from his desk, not even bothering to set down the pen from his hold. "What happened?"

Your lip wobbled, and Inej was quick to tag it as fake when you threw yourself into the lonely chair that sits across from Kaz's desk, body melting into it. "There's no more Kvas."

He sighs. "Of course there isn't." His fingers find the bridge of his nose, pinching it just slightly.

"We had four bottles left yesterday." Inej notes. "Was there some sort of celebration?"

"No. All jobs that took place yesterday, while necessary, wouldn't have warranted a celebration like that. I'll order more tonight."

Immediately you brighten, face splitting open as you hop up from the chair, a giggle spilling from your lips. "Thank you Kaz!"

"What's the ocassion?" Inej asks. Her heart stutters when you turn that wide grin towards her.

"Remember that businessman Kaz had you spy on a few days ago?"

That got both her and Kaz's attention, the both of them staring at you. "I do."

"Well, I happened to run into him today and had a chat with him when I realized he was wearing a pocketwatch of the same type that my father used to wear." The mention of your family only makes Inej more interested.

You and Kaz never talk about where you came from, not unprompted anyway. The only tidbits of information that Inej has been able to scrounge up and overhear was that your family was very close friends with Kaz's, and that both of your parents, judging by how you talk about them, are either dead or too busy to bother contacting you.

"And this is meant to mean... what? Exactly?" Kaz prompts, a bit of caution dripping from his tone.

"I'm getting to it! Anyway, we had a rather long conversation about it and how useful they can be. Which of course led into talk about businesses and meetings and the such- he mentioned that there was about to be a huge rise in, like, 4 different stocks because of something going on over in Ravka. I have it written down, um, here!"

You root around your jacket, taking a card out of one of your inner pockets and handing it to Kaz. Inej stood up and walked over, taking a look at the writing.

There 5 stocks written down in your own messy scrawl, the card itself being the man's business information. One of the stocks she recognized as being really low from when Kaz talked about it the day she had to spy on him.

"I also managed to nab his wallet. You would not believe the stuff this guy keeps in here. There's a deed and tons of other interesting things." You take a wallet from your pocket, leaning forward and dangling it in front of Kaz's face.

He grabbed it from you, opening the leather receptacle.

"Aren't I just the greatest bff you could ask for?" You posed, going out of your way to exaggerate each one, sending a wink Inej's way when she eventually made eye contact with you.

"Annoying, is what you are." Kaz remarks.

You two were incredibly confusing sometimes. He treats you differently than he would everyone else. You make fun of him and tease him and get closer than anyone would dare, and he takes all of it in stride, turning your teasing right back on you, pulling you around by your waist with his cane when you particularly annoy him or when you're about to run into something.

But maybe that's just a statement of your friendship. In a way, Inej doesn't think anyone will ever be able to get so deep beneath Kaz's walls like you have. Kaz deserves to have that someone that he can just be who he is around. There's some semblance of a boy within that bloody battered exterior.

And who better to bring that out than you? The person who came here with him and who holds so much compassion that it's truly a wonder it hasn't been beaten out of you yet? You hold a certain appreciation for life that brings a balance to the apathy Kaz likes to exhibit and uplifts others.

It makes Inej remember the little moment last night. The way you looked so calm and the way the lights of the lampost made your skin glow.

You... you really like girls. And it makes Inej feel so giddy and hopeful. It translates as a smile that you return.

Kaz sighs. "Inej, I need you to return this once I look at everything."

She glares at him. "We've talked about this."

"Dearest Inej, will you please return this once I'm done?"

"Can I come?" You ask.

"Unfortunately for you, no." Kaz gives you a glance. "Youre needed with Jesper and I after I do this."

Your eyebrows snap together, mouth opening to say something before the whole expression fades into realization. "Oh yeah." You drag out the words. "For that thing near the lid."

Kaz neglects to answer, still going over everything in the wallet. He pulls out a few bills of kruge, which he immediately stows away into his shirt pocket. Everything is taken out and placed methodically around his desk, any wet papers being skillfully avoided.

"That thing is a ten thousand kruge job. So you better remember what it is."

There's a silence for a few moments, your wide eyes trailing towards Inej. She shrugs, and you cup your hand around your mouth, a stage whisper exiting your lips. "I don't remember."

Kaz drops the wallet, scratching his chair against the floor as he says "of course you don't, filthy lovebird" and walks to a drawer in a dresser, pulling out a blueprint.

'Lovebird.' Inej thinks the same time you whine out an 'I'm sorry' but Kaz ignores it, shoving the paper into your hand. You quickly unroll it as Kaz starts going over the plan once more, eyes flickering to find the starting point.

"It's simple. You will use your curse of an ability to start conversation with complete strangers and distract the guard at the west point by asking for a bathroom..."

Inej remembers this. Kaz had briefed her for it as well before realizing her presence, for once, wasn't all that necessary. You were acting strange that meeting, half of it you were off staring into space at Inej.

She remembers her collar feeling a little stiff, heat making her sweat under your gaze.

Kaz ended up sighing and knocking the metal head of his cane against your forehead, making you yelp. He had to go over the plan again, Jesper laughing at your pouted lip.

"I don't need anything else from this wallet." The conversation fades back into focus. "The kruge and the stock card are all I need. Inej." He holds out the wallet to her, which she takes and immediately pockets it.

"How long will you be gone?" She asks, eyes flickering to you.

"No more than four hours." Kaz stands and takes his cane, heading to the coat rack to collect his outer wear. He gives you a stern glare. "If everything goes according to plan."

Your eyes roll, landing on Inej. "No faith. Absolutely none."

"Faith isn't in his vocabulary."

Kaz walks out the door, leaving it wipe open.

Inej expects you to follow, to jog to the door and disappear beyond into the darkness of the staircase with nothing but a 'see ya' yelled at her.

But you turn to her instead, hand rubbing over your stomach as if to quiet it. You wet your lips, her eyes following the movement. She stands a little straighter when you approach.

"No mourners, yeah?" You extend your fist.

Inej smiles, heart beating faster as she tentatively bumps her knuckles into yours. "Yeah. No funerals."

With a nod, you chuckle and leave, leaving Inej alone with her thoughts and a cold wallet pressed into her tunic.

You'll be fine. Jobs like these were routine, and Kaz and Jesper were two people she'd trust with your life any day.

But that doesn't stop the anxiety from bubbling in her gut, acid gnawing at the walls as she leaps out the window.

The chance for something to go wrong is never zero.

-----

They should be, though.

A loud, booming "Move" startles everyone away from the door. People dive out of the way, a cane flashing by their faces as Jesper carries a body down to the makeshift hospital beneath the Slat.

Inejs heart sinks, Nina rushing in after them.

There's only one person that could be.

She hops down the stairs, weaving through people like a needle and thread and swinging the door open with such a force that it bounces off the wall and squeals shut behind her.

"Guys please it's not that ba- OW!"

"You don't get to say it's not that bad when you lost nearly a quart of blood." Jesper hisses, grabbing at his head.

"What happened?" Inej demands, a rumbling in her chest as she does so.

Kaz nearly threw his cane down, chunks of his composure swiftly falling away. "Plan A failed, we had to resort to Plan J."

Inej wants to tug out her braid, to tug his hair out, "Which was?"

"Fucking book it." Jesper slumps into a chair. "Which we did, but one of them got lucky and hit her in quite possibly one of the worst places you can get hit."

Inej starts going through a catalogue of major arteries, sick intrusive images of your neck blown open and chest reduced to a gaping hole shoving their way into her mind.

But that's not the case. You were talking, sitting upright, protesting.

Now you're laid down, your nails carving crescent moons into your forehead as you shove the heel of your palms into your eyes, teeth gritting.

Nina's using her heartrending to look over your hip and thigh area, and Inej realizes the predicament that the novice healer has to deal with.

There's an artery that runs through the inner thigh. If it's hit, it's almost just as deadly as the side of your neck being slit open. The bullet managed to hit within that area, and a tightly bound blood-soaked piece of fabric was keeping pressure on the wound. Probably the only thing keeping you from bleeding out.

"It's been nicked. But the bullet seems to still be in you. I'll have to do my best to heal it while also trying to direct it out of your body." Nina doesn't even give you a moment to process it, immediately loosening the fabric.

Blood begins to gush from your wound, and Inej wants to scream.

Jesper follows your lead and digs his palms into his eyes. Kaz stands a good few feet from the table, watching the whole thing unfold. And Inej is...

She walks up to the side of the table, reaching out and brushing her finger through your hair.

"It'll be done soon, yeah?" She asks thought not really expecting an answer, watching your temple flex and your skin turn red as you held your breath. A rough scream escapes your lungs when you open your throat, gulping in as much air as possible before you go back under.

A small tink sounds against the table, bullet out. But Nina is sweating, glowing under candle light as she stitches everything she can back together.

"The bullets out. The only thing you have to do is wait for Nina to be done putting you together again and then you'll be done."

Healing, while ever so helpful, was far from painless. You're speeding up your body's natural process, your skin, muscles, veins being stitched back together on a cellular level.

A highly trained grisha healer could probably numb you while doing so. But Nina is not that.

Inej wants to be mad at her for being so inept when it comes to this. For not having the ability to just repair you with practiced ease and get this over with.

But she can't. She can't be mad at Nina for being who she is.

Instead she's grateful that Nina is here at all. Otherwise you'd be-

Saints, she doesn't want to think about it.

"What went wrong?" Inej asks, taking your hands away from your eyes when beads of blood build on your forehead. "This was supposed to be simple."

You grip her hands tightly. She squeezes them right back, hoping she's providing some sort of relief as she prays for your life.

"Simple doesn't cut it when your intel becomes outdated." Kaz snarled. "They changed the guard postings on the inside. We got found out shortly after retrieving this."

He pulls out a rolled up painting from a tube slung over a chair. It's a landscape of what looks to be from Fjerdan territory looking beyond towards Ravka. The Shadow Fold is missing, and in the distance she can see the artist took some creative liberties and drew the Ravkan palace.

"Supposed to be worth over ten times what we were getting paid for." Jesper uncovers his eyes, opting to cover his mouth and nose. "Doesnt really seem worth it for this."

He glances at Kaz, but Kaz looks at her, and in those dark brown eyes she feels like they come to an understanding. Kaz knows things that Inej hasnt bothered to voice to him outloud. He knows how she feels about you, and is probably just about the only person that on some level could come close to feeling the way she does now.

You're way too important to lose.

Nina let's out a deep breath, hands becoming slower and less steady. "I've got this mostly patched up, but for now the artery is pretty weak. I've got most of the muscles around it to heal to protect what it can but rest and the least amount of movement as possible while I monitor this for the next few days is whats needed."

Inej feels you relax, hands no longer squeezing the life out of her own. Your elbows knock against the table, foot wiggling on your injured leg.

You swallow. "Okay."

Inej has never heard you sound so small, which is surprising.

This isn't your first time getting injured like this, though it has been a long time. But even now she can remember you fighting them every step of the way when you were asked to rest.

Now you're more compliant than ever. You're not even making a move to sit up.

Kaz clears his throat. "Jesper, Nina, out."

Inej can hear Jesper get up from the chair, all too ready to get away from the situation. Nina, however, is less ready to vacate your side.

"I want to check over the rest of her for any other injuries you may have missed in your getaway plan." She places her hands over your head, slowly moving down your body.

"There are no other injuries. It was just the bullet. Out."

Jesper is already up the stairs, probably to find Wylan. She knows he'll come back later, once he's calmed down and can properly look you in the eye after being faced with your mortality. Nina gets down to your feet, and sighs.

"Just wanted to make sure your girlfriend-"

At the same time, you and Kaz state that you're not together. Your voice is a lot sharper than Kaz's, which is enough for Nina to whip around and give you a look.

You're sat up now, propped up on your elbows as you glare at her.

"I would really appreciate it if you stopped pushing us together, thanks."

Your hand squeezes Inej's, and it's like her heart gets zapped with a little lightning.

Nina eyes you for a moment, expression a little hurt but otherwise reserved as she searches for something.

When she looks at Inej, it seems she found it.

Her eyebrows shoot up, and her mouth falls into a little 'o' as she backs up. "How could I have missed that?"

Before Inej can silently ask what that means, she's smirking and basically running up the stairs.

Kaz collects his things, then gives Inej and you a nod before following.

The door above clicks shut, and a bound of wild creaking from above tells her that a few people were crowding around the door and waiting for news.

You squeeze her hand again, and Inejs attention is all on you.

"How bad is it?" You ask.

Inej swallows, then looks down. There's a mess of reds and purple around where the wound is. It's smaller than before, skin a little malformed where Nina put everything back together.

"It looks like you got shot."

You chuckle, moving to sit up completely. Inej helps you were she's needed, letting you use her to pull yourself up and position yourself without using your leg.

Silence followed. Your hand was still holding Inej's, your thumb going over rough spots on her palms. Your finger would stop, finding a spot that was particularly rough, and then smooth over it as if you could make it disappear.

"Thank you."

Her brows scrunch. "For what?"

"For staying."

"Of course."

You take a deep breath, exhale coming out shaky. Before Inej can ask what was the matter, you begin talking.

"I like you." You say. "I like you a lot, and I have for a while. Long enough that I can't be in a room alone without automatically looking for even though I know you won't be there. Enough that about half the time when I feel like you're watching me I'm right, and I can pick you out from the crowd."

Inej is smiling. She can feel it on her face, eyes pricking and ears ringing just a bit.

"Kaz has gotten so sick of me talking about you to the point he actually has resorted to knocking his cane against me when I sigh too loudly or when your name comes out of my mouth for the tenth time in a minute." A chuckle comes out of your mouth when you go to rub at a bruise on your shin. "He doesnt mean to be harsh but I think he forgets how solid his cane is sometimes."

She's laughs, the same as you do when she pulls your hand towards her and presses it against her chest, heart saying everything and more.

But words matter too.

"I like you too. For what sounds like just as long as you have. Believe me if I had known you liked girls I wouldn't have let you torture Kaz for as long as you did."

"What do you say? Girlfriends?" You let go of her hand and hold out your fist.

She bumps her fist against yours. "Girlfriends."

She loves the way your eyes brighten.

However, she does not love that the door to the room comes open again.

The distinct sound of metal on wood tells the both of you immediately who it is. While Inej's annoyance only slightly decreases, yours disappears immediately.

"Kaz!"

"Y/n."

"Look!" You gently offer your hand, and Inej slips her fingers between yours, interlocking them. "We're dating. Inej likes me back."

He rounds the corner, looking at the both of your hands. He puts up his shoulders, raising an eyebrows.

"And im actively disabled. Dont waste my time with the obvious."

You chuckle. "Thanks, Kaz."

While Kaz mulls over whether it's worth it to stay down here, Inej helps you off the table, easing your leg down to the ground where it remains limp.

"Oh my saints, twinsies."

Inej looks between you and Kaz. Your limp leg is the same as his.

"If I ever hear you say twinsies again, you will lose me as your friend."

"Impossible."

Kaz takes that as a challenge, and moves up the stairs faster than she has ever seen him go.

As you call out to him to get his ass back here, Inej takes a moment to think about how perfect everything is.

Your leg may be out of commission, but you're happier than she has ever seen you before. You asked her to be your girlfriend, and still you're gentle and wait for permission. She's giggling as you do when you trip a little and catch yourself on the step.

She's so incredibly happy to be where she is today. And even more excited to figure out where the both of you will go from here.

∘₊✧──────────────────✧₊∘

Tags: