#relationship reflection

“Absolutely not,” I said, looking at her like she’d just suggested we delete Google Maps and start trusting vibes again.

"Why not?"

"Because we've all tried this before, and we all reinstall them within seventy-two hours like addicts."

"That's because we do it individually," Kennedy countered. "We need accountability. A support system. A contract."

Sofia perked up, blue eyes sparkling. "Did someone say contract?"

And that's how we ended up in Sofia's living room at 10:37 p.m. on a Friday night, witnessing Kennedy pull out her laptop and draft what she called "The Digital Dating Detox Agreement" with the seriousness of someone negotiating a corporate merger. And you would think we were kidding...

ARTICLE I: THE PURGE

"All participants agree to delete the following applications from their mobile devices," Kennedy read aloud sitting up straight, wine glass in hand, "effective immediately: Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, Raya, The League, Feeld, and any other dating-adjacent platforms currently installed."

"I don't have Feeld," Julia protested locking her phone.

"Bitch, your phone says otherwise."

"That was for research! For a client!"

"A fashion client needed you to join a sex-positive dating app? Ohhh ok."

"It was for a campaign about body positivity and... you know what, I'm deleting it. Fine. Whatever!"

Sofia cleared her throat, assertive, like she was about to cross-examine an opposing party. “Question about Raya.”

“Denied,” Kennedy said. “Raya is specifically included.”

“But what if I match with a celebrity?”

“You’ve been on Raya for two years,” Kennedy said. “You’ve matched with three B-list actors, a DJ no one’s heard of, and someone who claimed to be a ‘creative entrepreneur’ but was actually just unemployed. Might I add, one of those actors now does infomercials.”

Sofia said nothing, which we all knew meant she was mentally disputing the relevance of the infomercial.

"The DJ was nice."

"The DJ ghosted you after one date. And he wore sunglasses inside. Unironically."

"Still counts."

ARTICLE II: THE TIMELINE

"The detox period shall last thirty days," Kennedy continued, "commencing tonight at 11:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time."

"Thirty days?!" I said. "There is no way we'll be able to do that."

"It's literally one month."

"A lot can happen in a month! What if I meet my soulmate next week and I'm not on the apps?" Julia said with dramatic distress, quickly hiding her phone under the nearest couch cushion.

"Then you'll meet him in person like how we did when we were fucking sixteen years old," Sofia said. "Continue, Kennedy."

"During the thirty-day period, participants are prohibited from: downloading new dating apps, accessing dating apps via web browsers, creating accounts under pseudonyms, or asking friends to swipe on their behalf."

Julia looked guilty. "That last one is very specific."

"Because you did it last time."

“Busted,” I said, pouring another glass of wine, which felt necessary at this point.

"Leah was visiting from Chicago! She has fresh perspectives!"

"Oh my God, Leah swiped right on someone with a Fish Pics Only profile."

“She thought it was ironic,” Julia said, like that explained everything.

ARTICLE III: CONSEQUENCES

“Any participant who violates the terms of this agreement,” Kennedy said, her voice taking on the ominous tone of someone about to foreclose on a mortgage, “shall be required to: (a) publicly admit their failure to the group chat, (b) buy brunch for all participants for the following month, and (c) write a five-hundred-word essay titled Why I Have No Self-Control.”

“This is insane! Who has the time?” I said.

“This is necessary,” Kennedy corrected. “We need stakes. Otherwise, it’s just a suggestion, and suggestions don’t work for people like us. Besides, if you added up all the time you spend swiping, you’d already have your essay written.”

“Excuse me, ‘people like us’?”

“People who treat dating apps like slot machines and keep pulling the lever, hoping the next pull will be different.”

Silence.

She wasn’t wrong, which was the most irritating part. This is why she wrote the agreement and the rest of us just showed up.

ARTICLE IV: PERMITTED ACTIVITIES

"Participants ARE allowed to," Kennedy continued, "pursue romantic connections through: in-person interactions, social events, professional networking, friend introductions, bookstore meet-cutes, and other analog methods of human connection."

“Bookstore meet-cutes?” Sofia repeated. “Kennedy, this isn’t a fucking rom-com. I can’t even remember the last time I was in a bookstore. Maybe when I was in college.”

“It could be. Naomi literally ran into her ex at the Strand.”

“That wasn’t a meet-cute. That was a traumatic reencounter with unresolved feelings. Plus, he found me in a vulnerable state. I was lost in nonfiction, and he found me while I was reading about Marilyn.”

“Still counts as analog,” Kennedy said, like she was documenting evidence.

Julia had her hand raised like we were in fourth grade. “What about Instagram DMs?”

“From people you already follow, or people who slide into your DMs unsolicited?”

“…Both?”

“Alright. Unsolicited DMs are allowed. Strategically following attractive strangers for the purpose of initiating romantic contact is prohibited. Also, if they send unsolicited dick pics, those must be forwarded to the group chat.”

“Oh my God, why? Don’t we get enough of those already without help from our friends?” I protested.

“It’s funny, and I need a laugh,” Kennedy said, chuckling.

“Well… that’s literally how I met my last three boyfriends,” Julia said, like she was defending a lifestyle choice.

“Exactly,” the three of us said, laughing.

We signed the agreement at 10:52 p.m.

I remember the time exactly because it felt like being processed into Rikers.

Kennedy made us do it individually, with witnesses, like we were ratifying a constitutional amendment. She’d even created a digital signature field, because of course she had.

“This is the dumbest thing we’ve ever done,” I said, signing my name with the kind of finality usually reserved for marriage licenses or organ donor cards.

“Remember that in thirty days when you’re thanking me,” Kennedy said, proudly signing last.

Then came the actual deletions.

Kennedy went first, holding her phone up like she was about to perform surgery. “Bumble… deleted. Hinge… deleted. The League… deleted.”

“How do you feel?” Julia asked, still holding on to what little she had left.

“Liberated. Terrified. Possibly nauseous.”

Sofia went next, deleting each app with the cold efficiency of someone executing a hostile takeover. “This is fine. I don’t need them. I have a vibrator and a successful career.”

“That’s real shit,” I said, envious of her confidence.

Julia took longer, hovering over each app icon like she was saying goodbye to old friends. “Bye, Bumble. You introduced me to River, who was emotionally unavailable but made excellent smoothies. Bye, Hinge. You gave me Tim, who was boring but had great health insurance.”

“Julia. Delete the fucking apps.”

“I’m processing!”

Finally, it was my turn.

I looked at my phone screen: the familiar yellow square of Bumble, the white H of Hinge, the flame icon of Tinder that I’d kept installed “just in case,” despite not opening it in six months.

“You know what these apps have given me?” I said. “Carpal tunnel, anxiety, and approximately forty-seven screenshots of men holding fish I’ve never heard of.”

I deleted them all.

The screen felt weirdly empty afterward.

DAY 3:

The group chat was chaos.

Julia: I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop and didn't know how to talk to him without swiping first. Is this what dating was like in the Before Times?

Sofia: You open your mouth and use words, Julia.

Julia: WHAT WORDS?? I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO MAKE WORDS!!

Kennedy: "Hi" is a good start...

Julia: I said hi and he said hi back and then I panicked and left.

Naomi: This is painful to watch. We're grown ass women lol

DAY 7:

Kennedy: Update: I have so much free time now. I've read two books, reorganized my investment portfolio, and deep-cleaned my apartment. Is this what people do when they're not swiping?

Sofia: It's called having a life, Kennedy.

Kennedy: It's unsettling...

DAY 12:

Naomi: Liam asked me to dinner tomorrow.

Julia: OMG!!! STOP.

Sofia: And?

Naomi: And I said yes without immediately analyzing whether it was a date or just two people eating food in proximity.

Kennedy: Character growth. I'm proud, bitchhh.

Naomi: I'm terrified tbh

Sofia: Also growth.

DAY 18:

Julia: I went to a gallery opening tonight. Talked to three different guys. Got two phone numbers. Did not once wonder if I should have swiped right on them first to verify mutual interest.

Naomi: OMG.Who are you and what have you done with Julia?

Julia: I'm Julia but with CONFIDENCE. Also I'm still seeing Luca but I told him I'm keeping my colorful pillows and he said okay.

Kennedy: Progress.

DAY 23:

Sofia: Ran into Marcus at a work event. He introduced me to his new girlfriend, Bridgette... She's 24 and works in marketing and said "like" seventeen times in one sentence.

Naomi: Ew... How do you feel?

Sofia: I feel like I dodged a bullet shaped like a man who needs a younger woman to make him feel relevant.

Kennedy: Also progress.

DAY 29:

We met for brunch at Rue Deux, one day before the detox officially ended.

"So," Kennedy said, opening her laptop because she'd created a PowerPoint. "Let's debrief."

Of course she'd created a PowerPoint.

SLIDE 1: PARTICIPANT OUTCOMES

Kennedy: 2 dates from friend introductions, 1 promising connection, 0 spreadsheet entries

Julia: 4 phone numbers, 2 dates, 1 ongoing relationship (Luca, revised terms)

Sofia: 0 dates, 100% growth in self-awareness, 1 vibrator purchase

Naomi: 6 dates with Liam, escalating emotional vulnerability, moderate terror

"I object to 'moderate terror,'" I said. "It's at least high-level terror."

"Noted."

SLIDE 2: LESSONS LEARNED

Kennedy clicked to the next slide.

"We learned that: dating apps are a tool, not a solution. Meeting people in person is terrifying but absolutely possible. We're all way more dependent on digital validation than we realized. And " she paused for effect, " we're fully capable of connection when we stop treating it like a marketplace."

"So do we reinstall them tomorrow?" Julia asked, her face lit up.

We all looked at each other.

"I don't think I want to," I said slowly. "At least not yet. I feel like I'm actually... present? Like I'm participating instead of just swiping through options."

"Same," Julia said. "It's scary but also kind of nice? Like I'm a person again instead of a profile."

Sofia shrugged. "I'm good without them. Turns out I actually like being single when I'm not constantly reminded that I could be not-single if I just lowered my standards."

Kennedy closed her laptop. "Then I propose we extend the detox. Indefinitely. Or at least until we actually miss it."

"Agreed," we said in unison.

The waiter brought our mimosas.

"To thirty days," Kennedy said, raising her glass.

"To analog dating," Julia added.

"To not swiping our lives away," Sofia said.

"To choosing ourselves," I finished.

We clinked glasses.

My phone buzzed. A text from Liam: Dinner tomorrow? I found a bookstore in Brooklyn you'd love. We could go after.

I smiled and typed back: Yes.