#questionning

So we’re back again with the sexuality confusion. I’m lowkey tired of finding things about myself, but then again it’s better than finding out about those things in my 30s or never finding them at and thinking I’m broken.

Every time I face some uncertainties about my sexuality or gender identity I always do some research and take some notes about things I relate with and organize my thoughts in ways I understand. If you guys knew the number of sticky notes that are everywhere on my wall, on the floor, in my trash can. I throw them all away in case my parents decided to go into my room for god knows why and find it.

When I looked at the definition of asexual on google it said “Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered a sexual orientation or the lack thereof”. When you read this you may think ‘ oh this is so straight forward hahahahaha I am not asexual lol” but then I decided to go on youtube and have some actual asexual talk about asexuality and what it means to them and many other people. When I did that I was flabbergasted because it was an “oh fuck” moment. I was, and still am, confused about whether or not I am on the asexual spectrum or not.

I started questioning if I was on the ace spectrum when I found out about aromanticism and discovered I am indeed aromantic. I decided to not think about it because honestly, I am so tired of identity crises every three to five business days. I found out that I am on the spectrum but it is such a wide spectrum, that I don’t know where because there are so many labels that fall under the umbrella.

But then again, sometimes I think what if I am just not ready for sex and that’s the reason why I think I might be ace, but also I was never really interested in sex, sure I read plenty of fanfictions and sometimes the books I read have sex stuff in stuff but I never imagined myself having sex with an actual person. Even when I was dating my ex-girlfriend.

To try and learn even more about this I decided to read Loveless by Alice Oseman. She is an aroace author who wrote about someone finding out they are aroace. While reading that book I realized that there are so many things I relate to. The main character, Georgia, had talked about she also has read many fanfics a lot of things with sex in it and figured that one day eventually it will happen. But what truly hit me in that book was when Georgia was asked if when she jerks off she imagines someone with her and I said ‘ no that’s gross who does that’ and then Georgia also says no and we both discover that most people do think of themselves with people when they jerk off or whatever.

There’s the problem that I like kisses like I love them, I love being held by my friends, I can be very cuddly sometimes but also extremely disgusted by people that try to get close to me. At first, I thought I could not be ace because I like making out with the partners I’ve had, and cuddles mostly with my best friend (actually only with my best friend) and to me, those things are sexual, and google said “ Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.” so that throws me off completely because at the time I had no real idea what asexuality was and how wide of a spectrum it is.

When I was dating my ex-girlfriend I really liked kissing her but I was never comfortable with going further. I was fine with giving her what she wanted but I could never bring myself to let her go down on me because It’s not that I didn’t feel ready or scared, I simply did not want to do that and It’s kind of gross to me. But as I said before I’m denial’s bitch.

During my research, I found out that thinking someone is conventionally attractive or pleasing to your eyes is not sexual attraction. Like, EXCUSE ME??????? All of my so-called crushes were just me thinking wow that girl has good genes. Am I even a lesbian then? I learned about all of the different types of attraction and found out that the way I find people attractive is the same I find my books attractive. And no, I don’t want to have sex with my books.

It’s kind of difficult for me to admit those things because my whole life I have been raised in a way that told me that I will fall in love, have sex, have kids and my life will be great because I’ll be married and that is when I’ll know that I have made it in life. That my life will have worth. That I won’t die alone and sad and bitter with 67 cats. The way my parents, the media had shown me what made my life worth it, has made it so difficult for me to break out of those chains because in a way, even though I hate to admit it, I am a people pleaser and I care what people think of me. I’m scared of how people will react and sometimes I avoid saying I’m aromantic or I’m non-binary. It’s not because I’m ashamed of who I am but I’m scared of how people would react to me admitting those things. I spend my life leaving in the shadow because the truth is I’m the biggest coward out there.

I know this doesn’t necessarily mean anything but I keep thinking that I like kissing so I can’t be completely ace but I am somewhere there. I just need to figure out where that is. I hate labels but I like being a part of something. Gosh, Robin, you’re a mess huh.

I’m still confused, I don’t want to put a label on it but that label will tell me a part of who I am. I know that nothing necessarily has to change but I can’t help but think someone will find out and they will tell my parents and my life will be an even bigger shitshow… I know they won’t love me (well that’s debatable because they probably already hate me but they’ll have more reasons ) anymore. I don’t think I can live with that disappointed look on their face for the rest of my life. I know that if they don’t accept me they will be the ones losing but as much as I want to believe I can’t stop craving their approval.

Stay safe and sane,

Questioning Inconformism Flag

What do you mean other people don’t find all genders attractive!?

My friends have never questioned their gender!?!?